View Full Version : Stepson update
My DSS left home last year, and recently cut us both off, zero communication, no replies to texts, calls, etc. He is clearly individuating.
I discovered a blog he's been keeping, and both his dad & I looked at it occasionally. Tonight here is what he posted:
"Just found out that my father and my stepmother have been watching my (blog name) for the last month because I refuse to talk to them or return their phone calls anymore since they are the last people I want to talk to anymore.
I haven’t lived with them in two years and they still insist on trying to go through my things and my life and **** with things so that I will do what they want.
And he wonders why his children don’t speak to him."
At first I had no idea how he could know we saw his blog. Then I realized he is using Google analytics to determine who has been reading it, and the analytics reveal the IP address of anyone who has viewed one's blog. After I got over the shock of his statements, I also realized that his post is directed at us, and it's a clear back off statement.
I am both blown away by the crazy, labrynthine nature of the internet, and of having a stepson who is finding a way to communicate with us, telling us to stay out of his life. And, how very weird it is to have him communicate with us via this oblique and yet very direct way.
(And for the record, his sister speaks to both of us, it's just him who isn't right now, and neither of us is trying to make him do anything!)
His father is gonna be hurt when he sees his son's statement... but I think he will get the meta message. Parenting in the internet age is really hard...
Sorry you are having to deal with this, redfox. It hurts to be cut off from someone you care about.
If you want to continue to keep an eye on what he is doing, you could use a vpn. Mine has been useful for leaping over the firewall here, but it also generates a random IP number depending on which server I choose to go through. At the moment it appears to anyone looking that I am in Singapore.
Maybe it is better to stay out of his life if he is sending these kinds of signals, especially filled with such unwarranted hostility, but if you are concerned and want to keep an eye out on him from a distance this would be one way.
I hope in a few years you all are able to look back and laugh at this silly phase he is going through. I put my mom through some pretty rough times, but that was mostly as a young teen and I never cut off contact.
((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
lhamo
My heart breaks for parents like yourselves, Redfox, those, who have done well and done everything right in the field, yet for some unknown reason, all efforts prove to be never quite enough. Will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks. I was pretty blown away with his language last night. I have a good friend who is a therapist, and her mantra to us is this: he is individuating with us via cutoff because he knows we will never stop loving him, no matter what (his other parent levies some pretty high conditions for her approval). His job is to separate himself, ours is to manage our reactivity and stay adults. We are definitely the strong parental unit that he is choosing to push against.
My DH was upset when I told him what I had found; his reply was that he has been checking in on the blog - which is public, btw, but we were definitely lurkers - to make sure his son is still ok. I had though about a masking IP after my research last night, but decided that this would be essentially spying on him in the face of an explicit go-away message.
I am hoping my DH will chose some soft, we will always love you message to convey to our DS, and that this will be what our son carries with him in his heart. I want us to communicate that we believe in him and in his abilities to make his way in the world, and look forward to the time when he feels ready to be back in communication. I know that eventually, we will hear from him. I suspect it will be years, however. Luckily, his sister is in solid communication with us, and though we've been very careful not to triangulate with her, if we needed to know something, I think she'd tell us.
Cutoff is one of the ways that someone manages anxiety in a relationship. It seems, on the surface, to relieve the individual of having to deal with anxiety. However, it carries its own intensity, and ultimately does not work, as the anxiety is still there. He's very young, only 19, and so I soothe myself by remembering that this is age appropriate behavior, especially for someone who had such a disrupted childhood.
I practiced some cutoff from my parents when I went away to college - I remember my mom trying to get me to write to her, and I would not. She'd send me letters, I read & ignored them. One day, I got a manila envelope with a set of blank pages, a pencil, a stamped, self-addressed return envelope, and a note, which said "Write, goddammit!" I recently shared this with my mom, and she has no recall of it... I look back on it now and it is very funny. She was not managing her anxiety well!
I love my DSS very much, and it's sad that he is choosing to cut us out of his life. I hope he gets through this phase of his life quickly, though I suspect it will be some time. Who the heck knew that parenting in this crazy world, especially step-parenting, was gonna be so hard?!?
Just wanted to say that I am sorry for the hurt you must be feeling. Hopefully he will come back around soon.
(((redfox)))
Big hugs, redfox.
He sounds like he's passing through a very angry period right now. How can he know that there may come a day when he'll be grateful to know that someone cares about him enough to see what he's writing & feeling? I wonder what he's so angry about. What does he mean by "they still insist on trying to go through my things and my life" ? Were there boundary issues when he lived with you? Did you part on bad terms?
Parenting in this era must be painful.
So sorry that you are having to go through this redfox. We had a difficult period with DS, who is technically DSS for me, so I understand how emotionally draining it can be. It does kind of seem like the blog might also be a bit of a tether to you regardless of what he says. The fact that he knows you have read it and yet still keeps it public says something. Personally, I use whatever means necessary to know that my kids are safe. I might lose an ethical debate by being willing to read a kids diary (or blog), but if it meant there is less chance I would lose the kid its a no brainer. For me it would be, and has been, a lot easier to give them space if all my information says they are safe.
It's too bad you're having to deal with that kind of behavior. But I think it's pretty typical for a 19 year old young man. He's still maturing and feeling the need to cut himself off from any association with parental authority. Even kids that have had a great childhood and a loving relationship with parents do this to some extent. Hopefully he'll be over it by age 30.
rodeosweetheart
1-16-12, 5:57pm
Mega hugs, Redfox. I imagine my son could have written this at that age--my son, not my stepson! I think thougt, that if he wants for you to give him space, you must give him space, and stop reading the blog. It is obviously a zone where he wants to be parent-free. So what, really? I am usually a bit put off when I read my kids social media stuff and try not to--they send me stuff, sometimes, however! I just don't share the same sensibility, and tehy are adults now, and I don't want to text anyone or read about what a great day someone had playing video games or playing beer pong or whatever it is they are up to. I sure as heck don't want them lurking here and reading what I might occasionally say about whatever is going on between us--I want a kid-free zone, even if the kids are in their 20's. I think it is quite right that if he feels the way he has expressed, you back off and let him have that bubble around him, for politeness if nothing else. No doubt, if he needs you, he will surface.
It sure isn't like I thought it would be (I had the Waltons in mind) but I love them, they love me, they'll be back at some point when they have grandchildren and want grandmother to giving a riding lesson, knit a sweater, or read their kids the Ramona books. That's just the wya it is, generationally speaking. Who wants to party with their parents, in other words? I am trying to let them be, in their own space, in their own lives, as you really have absolutely no choice:)
Although on Ozzie and harriet, they always invited Ozzie and Harriet to their parties, but I suspect htat was part of that fantasy of world of TV.
And of, with my one son, I always have to bite my tongue and not tell him how I think he should be doing things (going back to school, getting health insurance, etc. etc.) because I figure I had my time to do that, that time is over, and now, we are two adults, and I do not call up adults and say things like that.
Hugs, hugs, and I'm glad you are here with a place to vent and grieve, cause yes, it is hard to face the empty nest.
Big hugs, redfox.
He sounds like he's passing through a very angry period right now. How can he know that there may come a day when he'll be grateful to know that someone cares about him enough to see what he's writing & feeling? I wonder what he's so angry about. What does he mean by "they still insist on trying to go through my things and my life" ? Were there boundary issues when he lived with you? Did you part on bad terms?
Parenting in this era must be painful.
You know, we didn't part on bad terms. He left a bunch of stuff wth us, and recently, DH went through it to pack it up & liberate the space it was in for his own use. He messaged DSS about it all, and the reply was a curt 'give it all to GW, I don't want any of it'. It includes some pretty nice art equipment, and he's an artist, so I am holding onto it anyway. I wonder if he took affront at this? Who knows... Maybe some day we can talk about it.
We definitely did go through his stuff when he was younger & acting out. We let him know that he was not to bring drugs into the house, and DH confiscated his pipe & marijuana. We also monitored his online useage, and interrupted a grooming scene an older, closeted, and very scared young gay teen was unintentionally doing when DSS was 12. Ironically, I am now friends with that young man, who is nearly 23. We helped him come out to his family, and I think he felt safe with us because we set very clear boundaries around the friendship.
I have a friend whose 27 year old son "goes dark", i.e., incommunicado, every so often, and the son lives close by. So I guess it is normal. <sigh> I know it will work out, eventually... Thanks, all. Keep the words of wisdom coming...
fidgiegirl
1-16-12, 9:54pm
You know, I'm sure being able to rationalize it doesn't make the emotions any easier, but he is very lucky to have someone like you who CAN rationalize what is happening and react accordingly . . . that said, I pray for your hurting heart.
The line about using cutoff to manage anxiety in a relationship hit home for me. I have done it once, but to a friend rather than any relative. She was dishonest and controlling. She dated an ex of mine and didn't tell me - he did. Then she started to get involved with someone else I was interested in, but it was bizarre how they would get together without me . . . anyway. I did the cutoff move (inspired by Your Money and Your Life, strangely), but never realized until you just wrote it that it was my own anxiety. I still have some about her, as we are in the same profession and I'd hate to inadvertently end up working with her. Thanks for bringing the discussion to light, I'm not sure how to say it, but bringing it up and that line in particular helped me understand my own reaction all those years ago better.
And none of this is to say that you are dishonest or controlling!! Sounds like he is figuring out how to be a grown up and relate to both you and DH as well as his mother. How difficult for everyone.
Hugs and prayers for your whole family redfox! You seem to be handling this in a really healthy way. I don't really have any advice. Like the others said, he will most likely come around eventually. I found 19 or so to be a very difficult, confusing age. Hopefully he grows out of it quickly.
For anyone interested in understanding more about how cutoff, among several patterns, is used to manage anxiety in relationships, read Extraordinary Relationships, by Dr. Roberta Gilbert. It is a life changer.
http://www.amazon.com/Extraordinary-Relationships-Thinking-About-Interactions/dp/047134690X
And thanks for your words... they really help.
Context is everything. Today I found out that my nephew is a heroin addict. Holy sh*+. So many pieces have fallen into place learning this. Please hold him and our immediate family in your prayers... We're all pretty stressed. Makes my stepson's choices seem pretty insignificant, at least for me.
Lost my sister to it, redfox, dreadful stuff. I pray your nephew finds his way free of it.
Lost my sister to it, redfox, dreadful stuff. I pray your nephew finds his way free of it.
Oh, honey. That is terrible. I'm so sorry... how old was she? I hope my darling nephew gets free of it too.. He's a young adult. My sis is a wreck, and has been for some time. She's been keeping this to herself for a year... He apparently has self de-toxed a few times, and right now, he looks spectral and wasted. It's awful. I am working on managing my own anxiety, as our family system does not need it.
Our young men are so lost right now... what have we done to lose them like this? That is my grief...
I'm so sorry for you and your family, redfox. Sending all available positive vibes and energy in your direction.
lhamo
redfox your nephew and the rest of your family will be in my prayers!
Just a vent here... My stepson's mom posted on her public blog that the kids have "suffered irretrievable losses from a father who is challenged by his role as a parent". This made me mad & sad; that she is still choosing to slam their father, and in a pulic way, is heartbreaking. I sure wish she'd STFU already.
K, thanks.
That's so sad. As the old saying goes, "talk is cheap", and as challenging as it may be, try and look beyond the ill-actions and those who sprinkle malignant bane, and let good old karma perform it's magic in taking care of the rest. I'm a firm believer in the old saying, "what goes around comes around".
In the meantime, continue to stand-by and support your husband, because at the end of the day it isn't about the hurt so much, as it is about the happiness, comfort, and support we all enjoy and receive through the love and care of those who are true and dear to us.
Thanks, Mrs. M. You're right, as usual! Luckily, I don't think my DH knows about her blog. It's the impact on our kids that is disheartening... I know some day they will understand that her rancor is not their truth. Think long term... think long term... think long term...
Awww... thank you for the kind words, Redfox. It's not easy (I know), because I too, have been there before, just on a different level and plane, but time is the healer, and truthfulness, always has a way of speaking the loudest when it comes to separating good from evil. You and your husbands day is coming.
Thinking of you today, Redfox. Sending a warm hug. (At times of weakness, draw from your inner Zen).
Think long term, redfox. I'd be in no hurry to point out this toxic woman's blog to your husband. What purpose could it serve?
Sending hugs to you.
I might also consider giving up reading the blog yourself. I can kind of understand why you might when the children when younger since through them their mother is part of your life. But now they are adults, it's time to stop making space for her in your lives.
Originally posted by Anne Lee.
it's time to stop making space for her in your lives.Excellent advice.
What's that they say? "Time to stop giving her real estate in your head"
I might also consider giving up reading the blog yourself. I can kind of understand why you might when the children when younger since through them their mother is part of your life. But now they are adults, it's time to stop making space for her in your lives.
Yup, that was my take too.
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