Why does the person with the least money have the grandest party ideas?

[herbgeek]

Yes, I'm an old cranky woman.

Just got a Facebook message from my husband's niece (hubby is not on FB) saying she wants to have a 80th birthday party for my MIL (her grandmother) and she wants hubby and siblings to pay for it (she's a 19 year old college student).

She threw out the idea of renting a hall and catering and inviting a slew of people. My MIL is agoraphobic and freezes up with crowds and won't talk to anyone outside of direct family (I'm not considered direct family) unless directly spoken to.

I'm staying out of this, my husband handles his own family. Half of his siblings really don't have any spare money, they can barely keep a roof over their heads. Then there's some awkward family dynamics including a sister who has essentially disowned the family and a brother who provides economic support to my MIL but who otherwise is uninvolved. Two of the siblings live at great distances (greater than a day's drive).

I'm a little put off by this grand plan. Not only would it be expensive, it would be overwhelming for my MIL even though I think after the fact she would say that she liked it. I'm a big fan of having a celebration according to your financial means, and if that means cake and coffee at home, then that is a fine celebration.

[Float On]

I'm going thru something similar. My MIL is having her 80th this year as well. We've been "informed" that the family will all gather at a very expensive resort 3 states away for the entire easter weekend. We can't afford it and look like the bad guys.

[flowerseverywhere]

I feel for the both of you. Good luck handling these tough situations.

I don't know why someone would even think of proposing a party if they weren't going to make a contribution to it and it sounds like something the recipient probably would not enjoy. Very rude and inconsiderate. Keep us posted as to how it goes.

reminds me of a wedding my DIL declined to be in. It was held at a resort that was over $300 per night, a long flight, and she declined. She figured it would easily cost $5000 for them to go and at the time had some credit card debt. Today she and the girl are still friends, because she was honest and told her outright she couldn't afford it. She did offer to host a party for them at home, and she did. It cost her a few hundred dollars to put on, and other guests pitched in bringing wine and snacks and they had a nice time.

I recommend honesty, way better than racking up the bills and them trying to figure out how to pay for it.

[Stella]

I'd chalk it up to her being 19. She's awfully young and probably hasn't thought it through. It does seem pretty bold to propose a party that other people pay for. I can maybe see pitching the idea to her own parents and if it flies, letting them take it from there, but contacting aunts and uncles about it seems presumptious.

I would look at it as an older version of the kind of thing my seven year old does. She is very loving and sweet and frequently wants to do things "for you mommy" that would cost me money and be a lot of work for me as she isn't capable at her age of doing them herself. We don't always do them and I explain to her honestly the reasons why, but remark that it is very sweet that she loves me and wants to do something for me. Your niece probably has good intentions and bad execution.

[Selah]

This reminds me of the saying "a wedding invitation is a bill written in calligraphy"! :)

[Mrs-M]

Originally posted by Stella.
I'd chalk it up to her being 19. She's awfully young and probably hasn't thought it through.My thoughts exactly.

Relative to this surfacing, I have to ask myself, "has there been a history of spending dynamics introduced to your husbands niece that begs for this sort of presentation"? In my experience, this sort of suggestive behaviour is often tied to familial, cultured conditioning.

[puglogic]

I have a friend who is forever dreaming up these grand schemes to make people happy. She's not a bad person, in fact she's quite lovely - just that personality type who thinks that a party is the best possible way to bring happiness and healing to everyone. At 19, your hub's niece is just unrealistic, but I wouldn't hold it against her; when she starts having to pay for things herself, she will get a rude awakening. Of course that hasn't stopped my friend....she just ensured that she had a career where she could afford it! :) Hopefully he and his siblings will choose a route that's still a great celebration but doesn't involve this sort of spending.

[iris lily]

Agreed, the 19 year old is just copying what everyone else does on the latest Big Deal, the 80th birthday. I would like to know which gubmnt agency declared THIS one the Big One. I mean, why not 75? When did this become the standard. Why not 85? I suspect Obama is to blame. :~)

Whatever. Humans are sheep.

Two years ago my Father in Law was feted for his 80th in the typical hall- invite-hundreds extravaganza. But because his children are practical, resourceful, and reasonable, it cost our household only $150. The event was held in the back of his son's garage business. The daughters did all of the cooking. The son roasted a pig that he raised himself. etc. Everyone can afford a lot more but did not feel the need to expend it.

[redfox]

Here's a strategy, if you're in the problem solving mood - though you may just want to be listened to... (I hate it when someone jumps into problem solving instead of just listening. Am aware that I do it too often!)

I learned this from an architect I met in grad school. It's the design approach to problems. Here's a for example: I want a comfortable, inviting living room. To me, that's warm colors, cushy furniture, throws, a fireplace, etc. To you, that might be simple, spare lines, a monochromatic palate, and modern furniture. Both design strategies achieve the underlying goals of the individuals tastes with very different strategies, but going after the same qualities of a comfortable & inviting space.

The well-meaning 19 year old has very particular design strategies for meeting her underlying desired qualities of celebration, recognition, etc. As you shared, herbgeek, Grandmother doesn't likely share the same strategies for achieveing these qualities.

The problem solving conversation is one which surfaces the desired qualities; i.e., what does this dear young woman hope to achieve, and hope to give Grandmother? Once these are surfaced, the next conversation is, do her design ideas meet her goals? What OTHER design ideas would meet these goals, and take into consideration Grandmother's personality & ways of being? This honors the 19 year old's lovely intentions, while opening up the possibility of other approaches.

So often, I know that I am guilty of imposing my design strategies upon others to achieve a shared vision, because of course, MY way of doing it is the only way to achieve the desired outcome! My comfy, colorful, squishy room must be YOUR vision of comfortable and inviting, right?

Honor the desire to celebrate Grandmother, the underlying quality of celebration, and look for more design strategies than the big hall, etc. that will meet the very sweet urge to honor her octegenarian.

[Mrs-M]

Ditto, Iris! Birthdays in general, particularly after the age of 55- 60, should be celebrated for all their worth (every year), frugally of course, with zest and zeal.

[herbgeek]

Mrs. M- you asked an interesting question. In my husband's family, there are the haves and the have nots. We're not talking a huge income discrepancy though. The haves are expected to be the family banker, and bail anyone out in a crisis such as spending your rent money on a drinking binge with your buddies or deciding to quit your job without something else lined up because you don't like the tone the boss took with you. This niece grew up in a have not family, and her family has been bailed out on a number of occasions.

I do recognize the sweet motives of the niece, she is a thoughtful girl and she genuinely adores her grandmother and its mutual. I do think she is wanting this party because SHE likes parties, she's extroverted and friendly. My mother in law is pathologically shy, hates crowds, hates being outside a few familiar places. Money aside, I really don't think my MIL would enjoy a production like this.

But like I said, its my husband's issue to deal with.

[Mrs-M]

Ah-ha. Makes perfect sense, Herbgeek. I think you're making the right decision to keep out of the way and allow your husband to adjudicate.

[jania]

I commend you for not getting all caught up in a drama about the whole affair (money issues and does MIL even want a party) and just handing it off to your husband.

[jennipurrr]

Mrs. M- you asked an interesting question. In my husband's family, there are the haves and the have nots. We're not talking a huge income discrepancy though. The haves are expected to be the family banker, and bail anyone out in a crisis such as spending your rent money on a drinking binge with your buddies or deciding to quit your job without something else lined up because you don't like the tone the boss took with you. This niece grew up in a have not family, and her family has been bailed out on a number of occasions.

This is how my DHs family is and believe me, it has made me want to pull my hair out more than once! It took YEARS of boundary building so that people do not ask us for money any longer. And even then we still get guilt-ed about it. I do not know the background of your husband's family but my DH grew up in extreme poverty and his extended family was not quite as bad, but no one ever had a stable amount of money. I read in a book...it was for teachers about understanding poverty...can't remember the name, that this kind of behavior with money is really common. That when someone in the family comes into money the entire family has a sense of entitlement to it if they need money, since money doesn't come on a regular basis or for very often. That was interesting to me because until that point I had never experienced a family dynamic like that.

Edited to add - I found the book. It has mixed reviews and thinking back does likely make generalizations, but was very easy to read and I got some new perspectives. I got it from my aunt who is a kindergarten teacher with a mix of income levels at her school - http://www.amazon.com/Framework-Understanding-Poverty-Ruby-Payne/dp/1929229143

[CathyA]

LOL Selah.......that's a good saying!

[mm1970]

Yucky. Well, just stay out of it. And the resort thing...go ahead and be the bad guys. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

[Mighty Frugal]

Here's a strategy, if you're in the problem solving mood - though you may just want to be listened to... (I hate it when someone jumps into problem solving instead of just listening. Am aware that I do it too often!)

I learned this from an architect I met in grad school. It's the design approach to problems. Here's a for example: I want a comfortable, inviting living room. To me, that's warm colors, cushy furniture, throws, a fireplace, etc. To you, that might be simple, spare lines, a monochromatic palate, and modern furniture. Both design strategies achieve the underlying goals of the individuals tastes with very different strategies, but going after the same qualities of a comfortable & inviting space.

The well-meaning 19 year old has very particular design strategies for meeting her underlying desired qualities of celebration, recognition, etc. As you shared, herbgeek, Grandmother doesn't likely share the same strategies for achieveing these qualities.

The problem solving conversation is one which surfaces the desired qualities; i.e., what does this dear young woman hope to achieve, and hope to give Grandmother? Once these are surfaced, the next conversation is, do her design ideas meet her goals? What OTHER design ideas would meet these goals, and take into consideration Grandmother's personality & ways of being? This honors the 19 year old's lovely intentions, while opening up the possibility of other approaches.

So often, I know that I am guilty of imposing my design strategies upon others to achieve a shared vision, because of course, MY way of doing it is the only way to achieve the desired outcome! My comfy, colorful, squishy room must be YOUR vision of comfortable and inviting, right?

Honor the desire to celebrate Grandmother, the underlying quality of celebration, and look for more design strategies than the big hall, etc. that will meet the very sweet urge to honor her octegenarian.

I love this! What a marvelous strategy and one I will use in the future. Like you, redfox, I too impose my design strategies on others....This method is very familiar with a psychologist drawing out what is really bothering you-love it!

[Anne Lee]

It's my mother's 80th birthday. I talked my brother and sister into going in on a new bed for her since her old one has got to be 25 years old or more. Instead she wanted a donation to a community garden in a poor neighborhood so we did. There is no way we could have done a party for her. She would have hated that.

[mtnlaurel]

So many things at play here that parallel things in my life:

- I too made a decision VERY early in my relationship/marriage that each person 'manages' their own family. When I've ventured outside of that boundary I often get burned. Plus, my husband and I interact with our families differently - I talk daily with some family members and we are pretty enmeshed, he may speak with one family member every 2 weeks. Where I get into trouble with this strategy is when I judge his management style or his managed outcome doesn't jive with my desired end results.
Good luck staying neutral and removed.

- Classic Party Host Moves - this has happened to a relative of mine before....
Friend Hosting Party - "I'll provide the vegetables, how about you bring the chicken and wine?"
By far in our Top 5 of Rude as H-e-Double-Hockey-Sticks Party Fouls
Guess host wasn't that aware of prices at grocery store... or were they?, It was a friend that was obsessed with their budget and it was a focus of most conversations = annoying.
Now if my relative had offered to bring the 2 most expensive things instead of being assigned the 2 most expensive items that would be different.

- We threw a 90th b-day party for our grandmother and she loved it! My Grandmother said it was 'Getting to go to her own memorial service while she was on this side of the grass'. But our family are all extroverts - whether the loner/extrorvert type or social/extrovert type. So it was appropriate to the person being honored.

- I'm with Stella and Mrs. M - Anyone who is 19 doesn't have much of a clue and probably just means well.
I couldn't imagine anything worse than the person being honored having a bad time at their own party.
Maybe the niece's youthful enthusiasm could be channeled in a way that would be more fun for the Grandmother to enjoy her birthday with loved ones.

[Aqua Blue]

Maybe the niece could send out letters inviting people to send a scrapbook page for the guest on honor, with rememberances, old pictures etc. Then she could put them in a nice binder of some sort. That way the niece would be doing most of the work.. Heck, you could offer to throw in a roll of stamps.

My own Mom said birthday parties at that age are weird. All of your friends are the same age and you can only go to so many parties and eat so much cake. the older people who come usually live close by and you see them fairly often, and the others are too old to travel at least by themselves and so they don't come. She said it also always made her a little sad because you were well aware of the ones who had been at so and so's party 6 monthes ago and now were no longer there. We did the scrapbook page, mailing the actually page and a stamped return envelope and she was very pleased to hear from people she hadn't seen very often. We also learned some things about her that we hadn't known(good things,there were no skeletons in the closet, at least they weren't disclosed). We asked our living aunts and uncles for names and addresses of people she might enjoy hearing from, that we didn't know. We also got names and addresses of all her pastors that were still alive.

A friend of mine did something similar for her Mom for her 80th B day and said that as she sank into dementia she loved looking at the pages and reminicing.