View Full Version : Child in Need
jennipurrr
1-30-12, 12:39pm
I have a dilemma. I've talked to people IRL about it and the reactions are varied, so I figured I would throw it out there for the online community.
If anyone is familiar, my DH comes from a fairly unstable family of origin. His mother is ill, made it through a partial round of chemo before deciding she would rather drink than have treatment, but is doing better "right now" - all though the long term prognosis is (educated guess) 2-3 years probably.
DH has a "step sister" who is actually MIL's long term boyfriend's daughter. So, DH is not related to her in anyway. She is on a downward spiral with drugs. She is 22 and has two children by different fathers, age 3 and 2. The 3 year old is mostly being taken care of by the father's parents and thus has some stability. She has been leaving the 2 year old in the care of MIL and boyfriend a lot. MIL has her own issues, plus her illness. Recently, MIL had a bday party for the little guy and Stepsister came to it 2 hours late and high out of her gourd.
If something were to happen, where stepsister goes to jail or child services becomes involved, MIL/Boyfriend would likely not be granted custody as MIL has 4 DUIs (ugh). Also, MILs liver condition will only get worse, and she has less energy already. He really doesn't have anywhere stable to go and may end up in foster care.
I've been worrying about him. I fear something may happen in the middle of the night and he'd have no where to go. Maybe its not my business, he is not directly related to DH and me but it upsets me. He is such a darling child. Previously several years ago, we had mentioned we could take DH's brothers son when he and the baby's mother were both having life issues - baby's mother got clean and really made a big turnaround and so we never had to do anything with that. That was discussed and talked about in a normal way in the family.
I am considering writing an email to MIL saying that with everything that has been going on, DH and I would like everyone involved to know that we would be happy to open our home to this child if that is ever necessary, for a short time or an extended period. In DH's childhood he often was in less than adequate care and so he also wants to put this out there. However, this is likely to spark problems...one MIL may be insulted because she thinks she can take care of the child. Two, if we ever did take care of the child there would be soooo much family drama. Three, giving the child back to stepsister is going to be so disappointing unless she has really changed for the better. If it were anything except a child's future in the wings I would be avoiding this like the plague.
What do you guys think? Should I step in this pile? How should I say things? Any experience if we were to actually have some sort of temporary custody?
mtnlaurel
1-30-12, 12:51pm
If you could pluck that child out of a life of misery and possibly the grips of their own addiction, go for it.
No experience with temp custody, but experience with alcoholic mom growing up.
My only suggestion would be that husband do the talking with his family vs. you.
Blood is thicker than water.
If you need help learning how to deal with the zany Bizarro-world of addiction, Alanon can be a huge help if you find a good 12-step centered group.
leslieann
1-30-12, 12:55pm
Hi, jennipurr,
I don't have experience with taking on someone else's child. I do have experience working with children and adults who grew up with the kinds of instability and chaos you describe for this little guy. There is a lot of suffering going on, regardless of how well adjusted the little guy looks, and there is going to be more suffering as time goes by. This child needs adult (adult) people to care for him and protect him and make a safe and supportive place for him. It doesn't sound like that is likely to be possible, unless and until mom is willing to either let him go or step up.
You can help a child, though, even if you only provide a sometime supportive, stable, consistently structured and loving space for him. But setting boundaries around that is a huge challenge. I am sure you'll get some responses with good experiences to share here in the forum.
In the meantime, I want to commend you for thinking about this child as you are. It isn't his fault what has befallen him, but for most of his life he'll end up being treated like there is something wrong with HIM....as he develops behaviour problems, etc. Keeping an open mind may help you to figure out what ways in which you can be most helpful to him. I am looking forward to reading the accumulated wisdom of this group. And I will be thinking of you. It is a challenge, certainly.
chanterelle
1-30-12, 1:14pm
Since both of you are not blood relatives, you will need to check with social services for your area to see if you need to be pre-certified as foster parents. There are legal issues even with blood relatives where the parent is willing to give over custody, and states can vary quite a bit in their requirements.
In the meantime, see how much regular time you and your husband can spend with the child and include him in your life. If your are there for him on a regular basis, it may smooth the transition with his family and with your MIL and be a bridge with the social service issues.
This is a difficult one and I wish you well.
Does the child live near you? Can you schedule lots of time with him first? If your home becomes a familiar place to him, then if/when something *does* happen, the state might feel you would be the best choice for placement. Also, he would already be familiar with you, and the transition would be easier. And, offering to open your home to him should anything happen may be seen as less an outsider gesture than it might be otherwise.
But these are just thoughts off the top of my coffee-less head. I've never had experience with anything resembling this situation before.
Good luck.
Jennipurr, I too would suggest that you explore Alanon. It educated and strengthened me to do the things I had to do in life re: my addictive parents and siblings - and their kids.
I also second the motion of becoming more involved in this child's life as a "first step." When I was in his situation, what I needed most was for someone to provide a safe space for me where I could understand what was happening, and that it wasn't my fault.
Ditto AlAnon, and call the local child protective services. I am a firm believer in intervention that is strategic & planned. Take some time to think it through. I really appreciate your concern for this child. God willing, a few months to plan, think, and get clear on what's best for all will have long term positive impacts. Jumping based upon emotions is never a good idea; unintended consequences abound. I speak from deep personal experience here...
loosechickens
1-30-12, 4:10pm
Jennipurr, I hope the Universe showers good karma upon you for your kindness and compassion. This poor little kid has already lost the life lottery in being born into this very unstable family, and often only the intervention of caring people like yourself with these kids can make the difference between ending up a productive adult or continuing the dysfunctional patterns.
I agree with the making attempts to include this child in your life, maybe offering to babysit for the MIL, having him visit, spending time with him, etc. before even attempting to address the issues of long term care with the family. I also agree with having your DH broach that subject when it's time, as blood really IS thicker than water, and a blood family member can often step where an in-law would find resistance.
I'd also explore the idea of being certified as a foster family, as if you are, should the proverbial "sh*t hit the fan" with this family, you would be a logical choice even if the child is taken into foster care. Social service agencies often make every effort to place kids where they have some ties if possible.
Right now, doing your best to spend time with this child, providing him at least sometimes with adults who are able to be a stable influence and a port in the storm that has to be raging in his life, even at this young age (even the smallest children react to tensions and dysfunction in families, even if they aren't able to verbalize yet), and if you do, gradually you can address the issue of your willingness to take him in should it become necessary.
If you can do this without giving the impression that the family of origin is seriously lacking (a hard task, I imagine), you may find that if you don't cause a defensive reaction in the family by them feeling judged, that the mother and grandparents may be quite happy to lay down that burden in your lap.
It is always hard to give your heart to anyone, child or not, and have circumstances occur where the relationship is interrupted, such as if you take the child in, and eventually he goes back to his family of origin, but try to remember that love is never wasted, nothing in the Universe lasts without change, so just give of your love without fear, and you will always have a special place in the life of this child, no matter what happens.
JMHO.......this child is SO lucky that you married into his family!!!!!!
jennipurrr
1-30-12, 5:01pm
Thank you for the replies. I really appreciate the kind words. Lots to think about....I really like what Loosechickens said, that love is never wasted. I believe doing as much for him in a way where he knows we care about him and maybe over time sees us as a safe place is the best thing we can do right now. DH was very fortunate to have a friend's Dad and an Aunt and Uncle both really take him under their wings at different times in his life. Without that I am sure he would not be so removed from the behavior of the rest of his family. Related to that issue, we live two hours away. I am going to talk to DH about how we can spend more time with him. Maybe he could stay weekends with us when he is older, although I am sure his mother would be find to dump him off now if we drove up there to get him :/ Also MIL would not understand at all and I am sure be offended if we weren't spending time with her. We've limited our visits up there a lot since she has been sick and still drinking as it is very hard for DH to see.
DH and I have been attending Alanon on a semi-regular basis (about once a month) since this summer. We also bought and read several highly reviewed books for Adult Children of Alocholics, since we are both readers. Before that we did go to therapy about 4 years ago to set boundaries with his Mom and her drinking. We picked up the Alanon bc DH especially was having a really hard time with the fact that her drinking not only has all these consequences and stuff we addressed in therapy, but also manifesting itself physically and is likely to cause her to die in the not distant future.
I have found more peace in Alanon than DH...but I think that is because she is not my mother and it is easier for me to put distance between me and her problem. Our local Alanon is very focused on self (which I assume all 12 step groups are) and although I think its helped a lot with the bigger picture and we have gotten in a good place regarding how we will interact and continue to love MIL in a way that does not hinder our health...I am not sure if it would help us come to a right answer with the kid issue. Nothing is concrete there!
In my gut, I feel someone should call Child Services, but we are removed and only hear after the fact. Plus, calling Child Services would create WWIII - I know it is supposed to be anonymous, but its fairly obvious who the only people with concerns are. Its like being in this other world where things like child endangerment are tolerated even if everyone realizes how harmful the behavior is. I can only assume its because it would require far too much self reflection by people who don't want to even think about their own substance issues and consequences and the legacy its brought.
Two thoughts to share. He probably is a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, FAS, which has its own longterm health issues and may enable you to help him now and later. Look into what is involved with FAS, socially, physically and legally.
Offer to take him for weekends or certain weekends etc just to get him felling safe with someone which is so important.
I agree that he is very aware of instability right now even at his young age.
Having the experience in your lives will enable you to meet foster parenting requirements should that be needed.
If you are going to say anything, have your husband tell his mother about it.
And don't expect the conversation to go well, no matter what.
When my SIL (addict) and her boyfriend (addict) had a pregnancy "scare" -- my husband and I discussed taking the child in (should there be one) because 1. we didn't want the kid in foster care, and 2. we knew that we could provide stability.
We talked to MIL, FIL, and SIL about it -- as a suggestion -- because we had work, health insurance, owned our home (well, at that point, about 1/3 of our home), were living on a single income (which meant that I could stay home and take care of a special needs child, should there be any special needs), had an active and supportive community network, and so on and so forth.
My MIL completely flipped out, saying that SIL would make a "wonderful mother" and how "cruel I was" because I wanted to "steal SIL's child." Nothing could be farther from the truth. The idea of taking on a special needs child at that point was not high on my list. Part of the reason why we didn't have children at that point is because we didn't feel ready to care for children, but I was willing to step up and help if need be.
DH explained to her that this was really about stability and sobriety. It was likely that SIL would not be clean and sober during the pregnancy (after all, she announced it too us when she got completely sloshed on a pitcher of whisky sours), and the child was likely to have several special needs and issues (such as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, addictions to narcotics, and related). Likewise, while SIL was able to keep a job, her boyfriend rarely could, and usually "stole" all of their money to spend on cocaine. She, likewise, was often with him (though this was obscured from her parents by her as much as possible), and then they would beg the ILs for money for rent, food, power, and so on. And, my ILs would give it to them.
In the end, it turned out -- thankfully -- to be nothing. It is unlikely, at this point, that SIL will have children, but you never know. She may or may not be sober (we have no clue), and she is on/off with the same boyfriend as before (we also have no clue). But, there it is.
Anyway, it was stressful at the time, but hey -- we offered.
All kinds of experience here... I remember you touching on (a while back) expressing your interest in stepping-in to occasionally care for/take-in another family members child. How wonderful of you.
Rule #1. Leave everyone out of it, aside from those who are directly involved.
Rule #2. Put any/all concerns you may have, i.e., what other family members will think, do, say, off to the side.
Rule #3. Unless you see (with your own two eyes) abuse taking place, outright neglect, or affirmation that your MIL is no longer physically/mentally capable of/or healthy enough to unconditionally love and care for the child, leave all legal avenues/departments out of the picture (for now). Complicating things (as they presently stand) is not going to aid-in, add-to, or better, the current situation or make for a brighter outcome/future for the child/children involved.
If you do step-in and take charge of the child through a mutual agreement/welcome understanding (all parties involved), be it periodically, regularly, or full-time, you are babysitting (plain and simple). That's all anyone needs to know. No more, no less...
As far as approaching your MIL, you will also need to approach your husbands step-sister, too. If it were me, Jennipurrr, I would approach your husbands step-sister, first, and get a feel for how receptive she is over your interest to get involved. Lay it out in black and white, i.e., stating your case for, and concerns. With your MIL, a little psychology often works wonders, i.e., leaning towards easing-up the workload, etc.
IMO, first-come, first-served, applies to this case. Blaze the trail on your own, and let everyone else squabble and fret. There's nothing wrong with family getting involved (when and where they can), and/or offering help/assistance whenever/wherever they can.
I'm acutely bothered right now knowing alcohol, etc, is present in the alternative home related to the child's care, and even more bothered by the knowledge that the child's/children's regular home is tainted with a less-than satisfactory parental presence.
I'm here for you, Jenni.
chrisgermany
1-31-12, 8:07am
You and DH are wonderful.
How close are you to the kid? Could you first increase contact slowly by inviting him regularly for a fun event, like a visit to a zoo or the like?
Then you may frame your offer carefully, embedded in a lot of praise of mom's and MIL'S current efforts, by stating first that you know that everybody is loving the boy from the bottom of their heart and doing his/her best to bring him up as good as possible and that they obviously are successful in it, given how well the boy turns out. ...Anyhow, it might help mother + MIL to know, that you + DH would always be available as family and as a backup caregiver if ever unforeseen things happen and they ever need a place for him for some days, weeks or longer. Of course you hope that this will never happen because you know that they do what is possible etc. etc.
All the best to you, DH + family.
jennipurrr
1-31-12, 11:41am
Thanks so much for the posts. MM, thanks especially, I know you speak from experience, so I really appreciate the thoughts. I think any interaction will go a lot smoother if we approach it from a place of kindness and wanting to help and spend time with him, and I like calling it babysitting.
DH and I had a fairly long talk about everything last night, as we have both been seeing stepsisters facebook posts.
When my nephew was born, the family actually approached us caring for him. We said we would if the need arose. This was 5 years ago and DH and I were in a completely different place in our lives (similar to Zoebird) not ready for kids, but we were willing to take him if needed. Now we would be much more prepared (are you ever prepared for something like this???) to care for a child. DH is going to say something, treading very lightly, about the current situation and let MIL know that our home is open and that we would love to spend time with him to help MIL/boyfriend/stepsister out. We'll see how it goes...
Also, not exactly related to this, but I have wondered if my husband's cerebral palsy (mild) was directly related to his mother's drinking. His mother has commented on more than once how the present day medical establishment was just nuts for telling pregnant women not to drink, that they didn't do that "back in her day" and her kids "turned out fine" He does not have any of the "look" of someone with FAS, and is a computer programmer so no cognitive defects, but you never know what kind of effects it had. My aunt adopted a child with special needs stemming from drug use in utero so I have seen the challenges in the family. I know if we were to care for him for the long term, it would not be an easy road, at all...I imagine I have no idea what would be coming our way, but I feel that if we were faced with that situation there is no other alternative for us (personally) than to try our best and take it on.
Jennipurrr. I used "you" in my post a little loosely (for my liking), as I meant both you and your husband, because I know the both of you are on the same page/wave-length related to intervening/assisting. Bless the both of you.
As far as "ever being prepared for something like this" (as you say), not really, but it's amazing how your womanly/motherly instincts will kick-in and help guide you. In my case, my youngest (at the time) was five, when the two boys came along, so I was still in the groove of all things baby/toddler. I had everything needed/on-hand to take of the boys in our home without having to worry about buying anything (or packing anything from their home), and that was a definite added plus, especially on days when I'd have to cancel my already-made plans to accommodate the boys (unexpectedly), which happened a lot.
I don't want to bore you with historical happenings related to the beginning stages of when I was caring for the boys, but I remember one morning in particular, I had dropped-by to do a surprise spot-check on the boys (something I started doing frequently/regularly) and found both distraught (as was often the case), so I gathered up the two, and came straight back home again, instead of stopping by to pick up my mom and go out for lunch (as planned).
Where I'm going with my story, is as I sat on the lawn-chair out back (our house) watching the boys frolic and laugh and play, the inner voice in me said, "this would be so much easier if I had them full-time... if they were actually mine". So, as in you and your husbands case, it's actually easier to settle a little one into a family unit (full-time), than it is to be made to feel as though you are being tugged and pulled in all directions at random. Moral of the story, don't be intimidated or worried over taking the child in full-time, for an extended period of time. It serves as being the most beneficial to both caregiver(s) and the child/children involved.
It was amazing, Jennipurrr, I remember how upset and distant the boys would be at times when I was preparing to take them home with me. Both crying and upset (not due to me), but part-way home they'd settle and quiet, and while driving, I'd reach into the back and grab their bare feet and tickle them. To see their faces light-up, great big happy smiles, like all little people should have. Melted my heart every time. And once home, it was as though there was no transition. Totally seamless. As if the boys thought of me as their real mom, and my kids as their own brothers and sisters. It was so good for them.
Gosh, I can talk and talk about this. If the time does arise where you are called upon to take charge, you can call upon me any time (here or privately) to seek any help/advice you may need/require. I don't have all the answers, but I do have a good jog of experience behind me, and I'm open and willing to forward anything/everything I know to you and your husband to help make life a little easier for you. :)
I have no experience or sound legal or even moral advice to add. All I really know Jennipurr is that, as LC and others have said, love is never wasted. Never. Bless you and your DH for being caring and compassionate. The world needs more of that. Hoping for all the best for you!
As a grandparent age person myself, I think I would receive such an offer best if couched in terms of backup for me, relief pitchers as it were, offering support to her. Then if it gets to be too much for her, the child might just gradually spend more and more time with you, without it being a big issue.
Jennipurrr. Re: your husbands cerebral palsy, I also wonder if there's a connection. It infuriates me to know there are mothers out there, still, today, who continue to take no responsibility for their actions while carrying a baby to term. Equally infuriating is hearing mothers bolstering cases for their negligence.
Jennipurr - bless you.
Personal experience here. About 10 years ago, my dh and I regularly babysat two little ones for their mom - who was my dh's business partner's girlfriend. She had past drug issues, but we thought she was clean. One day, she dropped the kiddos off and just didn't come back. For three days! Well, long story short, she went on a bender. Turned herself in to a probation officer / mentor in the sobriety program she was in. (She'd been clean 5+ yrs, this was a one time wild weekend). We ended up with the kiddos for about two months, until she could prove herself clean again. With a lot more checks in place, the kiddos were returned. She has remained clean completely since.
A few sideline observations: we were not foster parents, blood relatives or anything. (in fact, the kids are african american, and we are white). DSS did not care. The mom left the kids with us, and we were willing to keep them - end of story. Turns out, we got a check after they left us, reimbursing us for their care. Dh and I seriously considered keeping the kids permanently. We feel it would have been TOO EASY to win that case, and unfair to mom and kids. Actually, if we had gone that route, my fear is that mom would have no incentive to stay clean. It is too tempting to say "I can be a better parent". Taking this action would have caused some serious dischord in the biological family. We are glad we stepped back, on the wings, ready to step back in if needed. Thankfully, it was not.
Imerullo. "Too easy of a case", was how it worked for us. Such a blessing. Were you set up for little ones in your home already (at the time)?
Mrs M - our children were 10 and 14, if I remember. The littles were one and four. Doing the math, then it was a lot more like 13 -14 years ago. My, how time flies. The mom's pregnancy with the four year old was what caught her attention to clean up her life. Unfortunately, the damage was done, and he had some significant struggles.
We have had occasional contact with the family since this event, and it has all worked out well.
Jennipurrr - just to be devil's advocate, knowing that you are in the wings, willing to take over could be a stimulus for the family to step up. Let's hope you and your husband can find the way to bridge this difficult time.
How right you are, Imerullo, as to how time flies. I often reflect on days gone by, and think, "no way, I can't believe it's been that long already"... Re: being set-up for, or not set-up for a surprise little one or two, six of one versus a half dozen of the other is how I see it. Either way, transition and adjustment will be all in a days work, at least in the very beginning.
I'm so happy to hear all has worked out well for the family. Happy endings in such cases seem to be so few and far between don't they.
Wanted to add that after reading "Hope's Boy" a memoir of a child sent to foster care at the age of 7, I'm much more aware of how a stable, friendly and most importantly KIND adult can have an impact on those children's lives. This boy learned early on to be emotionally self-sufficient because year after year, adult after adult did not bother to consider his needs. His intelligence, and the simple kindness of a few teachers, kept him going.
My point is if we each reach out to children in those circumstances, even doing small things - taking them to the zoo, helping with homework, listening to their fears or dreams, buying them a bicycle or some clothes - it can have a greater impact than we can even realize.
I am in awe of good foster parents, or volunteers with Big Brothers/Big Sisters, or relatives who step in and provide the shadow parenting that can make all the difference.
jlroussin
2-14-12, 11:07am
Jenipurr, my thought is to go ahead and do something for this child. It breaks my heart to see this. If MIL gets her feelings hurt, that is her problem. It really saddens me to see a child's life ruined by other people's poor choices. This child needs at least one person in their life who loves and cares for them, or he will end up just like the MIL and his mother, and likely a criminal too. Oftentimes taking the high road involves a lot of sacrifice and hard work. However, I don't believe that we were put on this planet just to have a fun and easy life without sacrifice. The fun and easy life is also a meaningless life.
I can tell you, from personal experience, because my mom was an alcoholic, and I myself have signs of fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. I am now 50 years old, and am still trying to heal from the mental, emotional, and spiritual pain of being brought up in an unstable alcoholic home. And I had a grandmother that cared for me and about me. I don't think this child stands a chance if someone doesn't reach out to him in a life changing way for him.
mtnlaurel
2-14-12, 11:45am
Jenipurr, my thought is to go ahead and do something for this child. It breaks my heart to see this. If MIL gets her feelings hurt, that is her problem. It really saddens me to see a child's life ruined by other people's poor choices. This child needs at least one person in their life who loves and cares for them, or he will end up just like the MIL and his mother, and likely a criminal too. Oftentimes taking the high road involves a lot of sacrifice and hard work. However, I don't believe that we were put on this planet just to have a fun and easy life without sacrifice. The fun and easy life is also a meaningless life.
I can tell you, from personal experience, because my mom was an alcoholic, and I myself have signs of fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. I am now 50 years old, and am still trying to heal from the mental, emotional, and spiritual pain of being brought up in an unstable alcoholic home. And I had a grandmother that cared for me and about me. I don't think this child stands a chance if someone doesn't reach out to him in a life changing way for him.
I want to piggyback on this....
It may be that you don't even have to do anything OFFICIAL meaning through social services or whatever.
Make up your own Big Brothers/Big Sister's program in your mind, invite the child over as much as you can and do simple things so they can see how you and DH interact and see that life doesn't HAVE to be a Jerry Springer episode.
When I was 13 I chose to no longer go over to my mom's on the days she was supposed to have me and moved in fulltime to my paternal grandmother of my own choosing - I just couldn't live in the craziness anymore.
Nothing official was done in the courts, but my mom just opted out of life due to her addiction. It was very sad.
One thing you do need to know is that children will always love their mothers, almost no matter what and will go to great pains to cover up for their addicted parent's shortcomings and will never give up hope of their lives being 'normal' one day.
Edit to add - My sister and I often look back on our childhoods though and realize that it is just the Grace of God that we didn't get seriously injured in some way living in an unintended atmosphere of neglect. A person in active addiction hangs with some pretty seedy characters and does crazy things. Although the alcoholic doesn't mean to, they end up putting their children in some really dangerous situations.
Lainey, Jlroussin, and Mtnlaurel, great reading.
Jennipurrr. Do drop-by when you can to post any updates you may have, or things that have developed since the last time you posted. (I find myself thinking about you and your husband and nephew almost daily).
jennipurrr
2-28-12, 2:31pm
The kids have moved in with MIL. MIL sent an email and was venting a bit about how hard it is with two toddlers. We opened the door for us watching them whenever they need, taking them for a weekend, etc. Haven't heard back about that but at least we put it out there. As bad as MIL is, the situation is 1000% better than with their mother. Today MIL took pics of the little girl dressed up for preschool (which MIL has enrolled her in)...as flawed as she is, at least the kids are having someone care about them, keep them nourished and bathed on a daily basis, etc. We're watching and waiting right now.
Jennipurr, thanks so much for the update. I was wondering. And what a perfect opportunity for you to offer yourselves in a supporting role. Keep the communication channels open and nonjudgmental with MIL and you'll be doing a wonderful favor to these two little ones.
It is a great update, and a step in the right direction. Just by putting it out there that you are willing to help, it can be a great balm for your MIL. Even if she doesn't ask for it for a long while.
chrisgermany
2-29-12, 7:16am
When the kids have adapted you could start to invite them for some hours on the weekends, "just to give MIL some alone time". Honestly praise all that MIL does for them.
The news comes as a welcome relief to me, Jennipurrr. So happy I am knowing the babies are being loved and cared for the way they should be. Way to go on putting your offer out there.
jennipurrr
4-16-12, 4:12pm
Recently, I contacted child services to see about what we would have to do to meet qualifications to take the children if necessary. I explained the situation and asked if there would be anything beneficial to do, such as be approved as foster parents, have current cpr certifications, etc etc should the children need somewhere to go and no closer relatives were suitable. I guess I didn't know what I expected...well, I only half way expected a response, but I thought if I did it would be a positive one or I was nervous they would want to followup on what is happening right now...but nope, I was completely rebuffed.
They told me not to waste their time becoming approved unless I want other foster children (which I understand, but still) and that since we aren't related by blood to these kids, if they do get taken away, there will be little likelyhood we would be able to take them over a preapproved foster parent. Ugh...how dysfunctional is this system?
It is extremely dysfunctional.
My suggestion is to talk to a family lawyer about the options for custody.
It is perfectly legal for the mother to surrender custody over to a family of her choosing, should that family accept. She doesn't need to know --at this point -- that you are asking questions to get things situated.
Should things start to go awry, you can talk to the family, provide a lawyer for them, one for yourself, and get the legal paperwork taken care of privately. Keep it out of "the system." The last thing anyone should want is to have those children going into the system.
I wonder if a legal guardianship would be one avenue to explore. The bio parents may be more comfortable with the word guardianship instead of custody which of course makes you the legal parents with all of those rights, but doesn't seem so charged as the word custody.
iris lily
4-17-12, 12:07am
...Ugh...how dysfunctional is this system?
Under gooberment care is the place of last resort for kids. Sad and true. And most foster kids know that.
Yes, Jennipurrr, sadly, the system is very broken and dysfunctional. I've given a lot of thought to the process of foster care/emergency care of children, and as far as I'm concerned, a law should be written to extend secondary parental rights to those close to families in need of help and support.
It's interesting, in the case of DH and myself, how no extended family stepped-up to claim care-rights, of our two youngest boys at the time we took them in and proceeded with legal steps to secure a safe and healthy home for them. It's as if everyone related to the mother recognized (and knew) we were a good solid choice and fit.
jennipurrr
5-7-12, 12:45pm
The saga continues...
Stepsister wrote on Facebook (but then deleted it) that she just found out she was pregnant again. I was sick to my stomach after reading that.
I am not sure if I should tell MIL about this. She has been vacationing so I know she did not see the post. I don't think I should as obviously it can't stay hidden for long...but part of me thinks that maybe if people knew they could convince stepsister to not proceed with the pregnancy. I really hate to say that, but in this situation with her life, drug addiction, two kids she is already has that are not even being cared for her, I think it may be something to consider. However, as far as I know, she did not consider it with the other two. I believe she has viewed the past pregnancies as a warped way to keep the babies fathers...which hasn't worked with the previous two, so obviously number 3 (different father of course) isn't going to work out either. Maybe I don't even need to mention it to MIL. Not sure what to do at all!
Sigh... My heart breaks for those children. Don't want to bore you with the saga I went through with our two youngest, but I remember how unkept the boys were, the state of their clothes, i.e., dirty, soiled, and their diapers never changed.
Anyhow, one evening, after taking them, again, for the umpteenth time, I stripped both boys down to their birthday suits, filled the bathtub to the brim with bubbles and hot water, and let the boys soak and play. They were distant (by nature/disconnect), but once I had them all padded-up again in clean fresh diaps and warm soft pyjamas, out came the ice cream and homemade chocolate chip cookies. I wanted (so bad) to put a smile on their faces again.
With my daughters (and me) stroking their soft and still damp hair while they sat in their highchairs, the two went to work on the spoilage, and in no time at all the two were a bundle of joy! Being me, I had a good cry, but what a warm loving feeling it gave me to know I was doing right, and something so simple.
All children deserve the basics. To be clean, cared for, loved, fed, and comforted. And, be raised in a safe, stable, and well-adjusted environment. How I wish the children belonged to you and your husband. One thing I've learned about motherhood, there are those (mothers) who deserve to have children, and then there are those who don't.
I babysat (for a short-time) for a single mom (Welfare), but quit shortly after, due to my displeasure over her performance. The house was filthy, the kids were filthy, and whenever I arrived to sit, I spent the first hour picking-up/cleaning-up just so I could semi-relax. Pathetic! Drinking, smoking, partying... disgusting! And, two different dads (two kids), both gone, no where to be found, and neither grown-up enough to show any responsibility or love.
Oh Mrs M, I am sorry you feel so bad and hate to even post, but at the same time it is nice to know that someone out there cares! I have just had this horrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach all day thinking about this. It is really hurting me inside :( I just don't understand how people can be so callous with life and their children's well being. At some point I will detach properly, but its eating me up today :(
Jennipurrr, that kind of info is hard to deal with. Hugs!!!
poor kiddos.
i'm actually very thankful that my sister in law never got pregnant. looks like she won't either, in this lifetime. between her bipolar disorder (sometimes unmedicated) and her drug, alcohol, and eating disorder issues -- it would just be tragic. She is -- as far as we know -- simply a "dry drunk" but she's also quite a high-functioning drunk, so when she is drinking, you can't really tell per se.
And, she's shifted to "more privacy" mode -- which is to say that she won't Skype anymore, but will call her parents on the phone and not talk about anything for a while.
I believe she's back with her boyfriend (and has been for a while), and he's an active cocaine addict. It's likely that he pawned her lap top for drugs, which is why she can't Skype. she says it's because the internet that the apartment complex provides isn't adequate, but it's more than adequate, honestly (it's part of their marketing how much it provides -- it's normal cable-based broadband). It's better than what we get. LOL So, it's just a lie and her parents are willing to believe it.
Anyway, I just suspect this.
But I'm super-thankful she's not pregnant. It would be very sad.
Jennipurrr. Sometimes, when I don't understand something, I try and tell myself through reminders, that some people cannot be helped. Being around such a thing and watching things unfold like they are isn't easy. I feel so bad for you and wish there was something more I could say. (More I could do).
I know cyber-hugs are a small consolation when it comes to warmth and comfort, but somehow, at least for me, cyber-hugs remind me that others care, and sometimes that means the difference between me feeling blue or feeling better, so I'm sending you a sweet, warm cyber-hug in hopes it casts a ray of sunshine into your world.
P.S. Post whenever you feel the need to. That's what having a quality community is all about, support, encouragement, and care.
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