View Full Version : MIL mad at DH (again)
Hi all, just wanting to vent here.....
DH and I received a birthday invite, on fairly short notice ( 1 week) , from our niece who is hosting a dual birthday party for our grandnephew and MIL this Sunday. We have previous plans already in place with my sister and her family for Superbowl which has become a "tradition" event between me and my only sibling living near me (another sister lives out of the state).
This has been set up for months; now we get this other invite. I tried to see if it was possible to do both events on the same day but between the scheduling and the long distance between the two places, it's not just going to be possible. Besides, we have tried this before and all we do is a lot of running around and nobody is happy.
MIL called DH last night to see if we were going; she was already aware we had this get-together with my sister but was trying to guilt DH into going anyway. Didn't work and now she's mad.
By way of background, in-law family is pretty small; MIL and FIL are only children, and SIL's DH pretty much came with no family (only a mom) so when DH married into my larger family it was a bit of a shock for them as they really didn't have any experience dealing with extended family members. Even now, they still are strangers to my family in spite of my family trying to include them in weddings, birthdays, etc. Even after 28 years of marriage, they seem to have a hard time with the fact that DH is part of my family and seems to resent that we have things going on with them.
Also, in-laws have had a history of blowing us off for a "better offer"; things are set up and then they get another invite from someone else. It really stuck in DH's craw when they cancelled Easter a few years ago so they could go to a rich friend's house instead. They have this unbelievable worship of "rich people" :confused: but that's another topic.
We feel bad as this is my MIL's 80th birthday. Normally this event wouldn't happen because MIL and FIL are snowbirds who be in Florida now, but due to health issues they are haven't gone yet. I asked DH what he wanted to do and he said to get on with our original plans. It was his call.
Anyway, just wanted to vent...get some feedback too. Sometimes we just can't seem to win....arrrggh
There is an answer to the battles that one cannot win: quit the fight. I don't see any issue here. Your MIL is mad and she can be mad. Your job is to not react to that. You guys had a plan, it is regrettable that you had another invitation for the same day but you already had a plan. People can only "guilt" us to the degree that we believe that they have a right to our time, attention, money, or love. Note that it is not what THEY believe but what we believe.
Too bad the combined birthday party cannot be rescheduled to Saturday but that's not your call.
Don't fight battles like this. Just step away emotionally. You don't have to let it eat you alive. Find something else to think about and just notice when you are obsessively thinking things like "she should" "they ought" "They shouldn't have" "They mistreated us so...". Notice those thoughts, touch them, and then let them go...."Oh, there I go, thinking all those thoughts about my in-laws....Yep, that's not helpful to me to stew in those thoughts so I'll just move on.."
You honestly cannot change other people. But you sure do have control over how you respond to them. You CAN be in a peaceful place with this.
iris lily
1-31-12, 10:19am
Wow leslie, that is greatly worded advice (and great content, too!) The "touch the thoughts but let them go" is such a great way of visualizing what to do.
OP, take heed of these wise words!
Agree that it's your husband's call. And you can't control how other people react.
That being said..if it was my mother's 80th birthday (or my mother-in-law's) that would take priority over a superbowl party. I'm a football fan but an 80th birthday is a big event.
+1 on what Leslie said. My opinion is that the first invitation gets accepted, and it would have to be a really unusual situation to break the first invitation for a second. I would have said "so sorry, I already had plans" and then left it at that and not felt bad.
Just an aside, why was an 80th bday party such an afterthought? And why hold it on Superbowl Sunday, when many people, not just the OP, would already have plans?
iris lily
1-31-12, 11:37am
Agree that it's your husband's call. And you can't control how other people react.
That being said..if it was my mother's 80th birthday (or my mother-in-law's) that would take priority over a superbowl party. I'm a football fan but an 80th birthday is a big event.
This 80th birthday party was such a big deal that it was planned 1 week prior to the event. That is lame party planning, sorry.
jennipurrr
1-31-12, 11:47am
Just an aside, why was an 80th bday party such an afterthought? And why hold it on Superbowl Sunday, when many people, not just the OP, would already have plans?
Totally agree with Leslie. I want to print out and save it as its applicable in so many situations.
At first I thought this was the party from that thread where the person with the least amount of money is planning the party, but it appears not to be. So, yeah, what's up with the last minute 80th bday party. Everyone knew this was on the horizon!
Agreed that it seems kind of suspicious that they only planned it one week ahead, but I have to kind of side with Weston on it. She is turning 80, and not in the best of health. But, you do have plans, so I would try to maybe spend Saturday afternoon or evening with the MIL, telling her you can't change the plans for Sunday, but you value her and know how important this birthday is. Maybe take her to dinner to celebrate her special day. I would even be inclined to go a bit over the top, bring her a bunch of flowers, take her to dinner, buy her a balloon! Make that little rushed party pale in comparison. ;)
This 80th birthday party was such a big deal that it was planned 1 week prior to the event. That is lame party planning, sorry.
Agree that it is lame. But that is on the niece not the Mother-in-Law. Actually I don't want to be too harsh towards the niece. It is a shame that it was not handled by a closer relation. It is not the M-I-L's job to arrange her own 80th birthday party. It should be her spouse or her children. Actually I think the niece is being very kind for taking on the responsibility even if it is "lame party planning"
Agreed that it seems kind of suspicious that they only planned it one week ahead, but I have to kind of side with Weston on it. She is turning 80, and not in the best of health. But, you do have plans, so I would try to maybe spend Saturday afternoon or evening with the MIL, telling her you can't change the plans for Sunday, but you value her and know how important this birthday is. Maybe take her to dinner to celebrate her special day. I would even be inclined to go a bit over the top, bring her a bunch of flowers, take her to dinner, buy her a balloon! Make that little rushed party pale in comparison. ;) Excellent suggestions Peggy. I have found that with most family disputes their is always a third alternative that can go a long way towards meeting the needs of both sides.
Checking in...
Read the replies and thank you, leslieann, for your wonderful, beautifully worded post. You are absolutely right and your advice rings true for so many situations especially this:
People can only "guilt" us to the degree that we believe that they have a right to our time, attention, money, or love. Note that it is not what THEY believe but what we believe.
While DH has learned to become quite firm in these situations and not get sucked into the guilt trips with his family (he's darn tired of them) I still get angry and frankly obsess (sp?) about it. I admit it. DH is truly a good, honest man (and a darn good husband) and seeing the many ways he's been treated shabbily by his family over the years really ticks me off. It's been a "death by a thousand cuts" erosion of the relationship. Frankly if this was my family, I wouldn't be even talking to them but it's his family and his call on what to do. He's found a place where he can manage some relationship but keep some distance in order to protect himself emotionally and I really need to leave it at that. But still wanted to share where I am coming from.
Re: the short notice. MIL was expecting to be in FL by now and this is the first time in years she's actually going to be around for her birthday. It's very possible that niece didn't know whether to count on that until the last minute but OTOH, she does have a habit of issuing short notice / last minute invitations. This is not the first time we have run into this.
peggy, thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of trying (note that) to take MIL out or seeing her on Saturday, but right now she is in such a huff that she either will nix it and start off another round of the "silent treatment" (she's prone to that) or we will be treated to further berating only this time in person. Seriously. She is allergic to flowers but maybe we could send an a balloon arrangement or something. This way she can stay mad if she wants, but she gets something from us that recognizes the day.
Setting boundaries, especially doing it kindly & not reactively out of anger, is not always easy. Sticking to them is even harded... Your DH is doing this, and yahoo for him!!
As I see it, this is your opportunity for some insight is your reactivity. It's not wrong or right; it is causing you upset though. Are you curious about what's at the root in yourself? This is just between you & you! I would like to suggest that this is a fantastic opportunity to reflect on what hooks you and begin to take the charge out of the hooks.
loosechickens
1-31-12, 2:30pm
I agree with Leslieann....
in ordinary situations, I'd also agree with peggy, and hers might still be a good idea, but I suspect even if you pull out all the stops for your MIL short of going to that party, you'll be whistling into the wind, because the underlying emotional situation with your MIL is "my son would rather be with his wife's family than with me, me, me".......
but you could try.....I always look for a win/win if possible, and if taking your MIL out on another day and showering her with attention would do the trick, that's great.
The big thing to remember is that their problem is not necessarily your problem, so you need not feel guilty about keeping on with your original plans.
No one can make you feel guilty without your cooperation, so don't even go there, and you'll be fine. It's clear that you've put your finger on the probable REAL problem which is an insulated family that doesn't easily open to accepting new people into the family, or will ever consider your family of origin as having anything to do with them.
Enjoy the Super Bowl, and practice that "touching" of the emotions....but don't give up your plans. JMHO
My ILs do this a lot, too. Really, I could have written that post.
I remember one time where we were expected to plan the party, so I did (and I lived 1.5 hrs away and i'm the DIL, not the son nor her daughter who lived with her at the time), and did everything 5 weeks in advance, only to have the whole thing changed the day before. We were told the change to those plans, so I called and cancelled the reservations, etc, and then made arrangements to go to the new party (planned by my SIL, MIL's daughter).
My husband and I arrive at the agreed-upon time, and no one was there. We waited an hour, and no one came. We had cell phones and called MIL, FIL, and SIL, and no one answered our calls. We decided to go home (so, a 1.5 hr trip each way), and when we got home, MIL was calling our land line chewing us out for "missing" her birthday party. DH explained the situation, and somehow we were still to blame for it, and people were like 'Oh, haha ha, sorry that we missed you!" (SIL and her boyfriend, in particular. They did this a lot.). We were basically blamed for getting the time wrong, because of course SIL wouldn't lie to us about the time, right? We must have made a mistake.
It was pretty infuriating at the time. I remember, though, that it was the last straw for me. Their shenanigans are just their shenanigans. I have no expectations of ever being "right" or "good" or making the right choice, and neither does DH.
And that's, that.
Agree that it is lame. But that is on the niece not the Mother-in-Law. Actually I don't want to be too harsh towards the niece. It is a shame that it was not handled by a closer relation. It is not the M-I-L's job to arrange her own 80th birthday party. It should be her spouse or her children. Actually I think the niece is being very kind for taking on the responsibility even if it is "lame party planning"
I have to say that I agree with you on this Weston. I say that his Mother's 80th B-Day takes precedence over a SB party - especially one which is with the OP's sister who lives near by and probably see her often. I don't understand why OP's DH (and MIL's son) didn't plan a party - or at least some sort of get together - for his mother's 80th once he realized she wouldn't be in Florida. I think that's the responsibilty of the children not the neice. He could have planned it for the Friday or Sat before the SB and not have this conflict. SB's will be around for decades, mother's won't.
I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to plan parties. It is nice if a person wants to do so, but it's not a requirement.
Second, when a family is small, before setting the date, it's a good idea to contact all of the family members to choose a common date where everyone can make it. You don't just choose a date a week in advance and expect everyone to be able to make it.
I come from a small family. When we lived closer to each other, DSis had 5 hrs to travel to get to us (or us to them), and I had 1.5 from my parents and 1.5 from my ILs. Often, we would do things near us, my sister staying with my parents. I would ask my sister first which dates she was available for travel, and then from those 2-3 dates, I would contact my parents and ask their availability. They would then choose their top dates from those dates, which I would then float past my ILs, who would usually pick one of those weekends, and then plan the party.
If I were planning something a week out -- and it is rare that I would -- I would have no expectation of everyone being able to "make it," even close family and even for something "important" like an 80th birthday. If I were planning something months out (and I currently have plans set through Dec 2012, so I'm a planner), then I wouldn't expect someone to move something just because it was the most convenient time for most people.
For example, I am teaching one weekend a month March through December, plus an additional weekend per month April, May, and June. I may also have several other weekends from July through October that I'll be teaching. So, if you were to plan an 80th birthday party for my mother, you'd better check with me NOW for her birthday in APRIL because I'm likely already booked, since I have two weekends of work already. DS's kindy is also having a celebration on a third Saturday. While my mother's birthday would easily 'trump' this plan, the reality is that it is three weekends booked already, and it's only 2 Feb.
These ideas that the OP's DH "should have" planned the party for his mother, not the niece, or that they "should" drop everything for this party at the last minute is really just unrealistic and off base imo.
I don't think it's anyone's responsibility to plan parties. It is nice if a person wants to do so, but it's not a requirement.
Second, when a family is small, before setting the date, it's a good idea to contact all of the family members to choose a common date where everyone can make it. You don't just choose a date a week in advance and expect everyone to be able to make it.
These ideas that the OP's DH "should have" planned the party for his mother, not the niece, or that they "should" drop everything for this party at the last minute is really just unrealistic and off base imo.
I agree with you that it isn't anyone responsibilty to plan a party or get together (even between the mother and son) for an elderly parents 80th B-Day and or that anyone should "have to" drop their prior arrangements, but I do think it is the "right" thing to do from my point of view, as a super bowl party is less important than an elderly parents B-day IMO. What I wondered was "why" the son didn't make plans with his Mom for her B-Day? I would think that he would want to do that - to spend time with his Mom on her B-Day. I felt that it was the son, not the neice, who should have done the calling to set something up - either with his Mom or with other family members. That would have avoided the whole mess of conflicting parties. But everybody's family dynamics are different and maybe that wasn't a big deal to him. And while I agree that the Mom should not get miffed if the son can't make it to her party on short notice, I can understand the hurt and sorrow she would feel (often masked as anger by an elderly person who feels unloved and unwanted) at such a rebuff for what is, imo, something much less important than her 80th B-Day. I guess I just feel the son should be the bigger man and put aside his personal feelings for that one B-day to be with his mom - a B-day that could be his last with her. Just my 2 cents.
Regarding whether DH should have set things up...this was not something I was going to bring up but here goes...
He has tried numerous times to set up similar events in the past. The MIL/FIL would say "no" or, in the event of their 50th anniversary a few years ago, his sister would insist on planning events, only to not follow through. There is a dynamic within the family that DH's sister is the "golden child" and everything must happen with her blessing. And if not, it doesn't happen.
In the case of the 50th anniversary, it was clear that SIL was not coming through and even though nothing was happening, DH could not plan things without her "OK". We didn't want this event to pass by without doing something, so we took MIL/FIL out to a nice restaurant ourselves for the 50th only to have SIL throw a fit that we were "upstaging" her. It's not about doing nice things for MIL/FIL, it's about SIL's ego and strangely enough, MIL and FIL are so in fear of her that they go along with this stuff. They went with us for the 50th and it was "so nice" until a week later; then they complained it wasn't good enough after SIL threw a hissy fit after hearing about it.
Niece is SIL's daughter who she controls, so that may make SIL feel that she is some control of this event.
I can't say how much DH has tried and be the "bigger person" but he can't win. Won't be allowed to, unfortunately.
Just wanted to comment that a birthday is just one day whether it is the 1st or 80th - just another trip around the sun. To use such an occasion to manipulate anyone is really tasteless and to feel that the world owes you something on that day is tasteless, IMHO.
One can celebrate the joy (gratitude or whatever emotion fits) of having someone in your life any day of the week or year with no pressure from anyone or any agenda set by anyone else.
been there, too, saguaro -- with both my parents and my ILs. Our sisters can do no wrong, are always better, and everything has to happen with their buy-in. truly, there are lots of things that I want to do for my parents, but without my sister's buy-in, forget it. They are not interested. Same with ILs. And, like you, we try our best, but at the end of the day, after years and years, there's just nothing right that we can do. And, it gets exhausting. You'd rather not keep trying, move around your plans when someone changes them at the last minute, and even if you did, it still wouldn't be good enough. I totally get it.
been there, too, saguaro -- with both my parents and my ILs. Our sisters can do no wrong, are always better, and everything has to happen with their buy-in. truly, there are lots of things that I want to do for my parents, but without my sister's buy-in, forget it. They are not interested. Same with ILs. And, like you, we try our best, but at the end of the day, after years and years, there's just nothing right that we can do. And, it gets exhausting. You'd rather not keep trying, move around your plans when someone changes them at the last minute, and even if you did, it still wouldn't be good enough. I totally get it.
Thanks, Zoebird and you nailed it exactly. It does get exhausting and DH has finally given up after years of this stuff. This family dynamic is very entrenched; I also think the IL's need to have their scapegoat as they are the type that needs something / someone to blame and they are never wrong. It's sad (and unhealthy) for them to scapegoat their own son; DH has learned after years he doesn't need to accept this role anymore so I think there's some general anger over that.
Regarding whether DH should have set things up...this was not something I was going to bring up but here goes...
He has tried numerous times to set up similar events in the past. The MIL/FIL would say "no" or, in the event of their 50th anniversary a few years ago, his sister would insist on planning events, only to not follow through. There is a dynamic within the family that DH's sister is the "golden child" and everything must happen with her blessing. And if not, it doesn't happen.
In the case of the 50th anniversary, it was clear that SIL was not coming through and even though nothing was happening, DH could not plan things without her "OK". We didn't want this event to pass by without doing something, so we took MIL/FIL out to a nice restaurant ourselves for the 50th only to have SIL throw a fit that we were "upstaging" her. It's not about doing nice things for MIL/FIL, it's about SIL's ego and strangely enough, MIL and FIL are so in fear of her that they go along with this stuff. They went with us for the 50th and it was "so nice" until a week later; then they complained it wasn't good enough after SIL threw a hissy fit after hearing about it.
Niece is SIL's daughter who she controls, so that may make SIL feel that she is some control of this event.
I can't say how much DH has tried and be the "bigger person" but he can't win. Won't be allowed to, unfortunately.
I guess in this situation there isn't anything you can do to make everyone happy - so you and DH should do what makes you guys happy and try not to worry about the rest of them. Be kind and gentle and tell them you'd love to go but already had other plans but would love to see MIL on another day to celebrate. If that's not good enough for her... welll.. then just let it go. As Loose chickens said, no one can make you feel guilty - that's something you bring upon yourself. If you guys are comfortable about your decision and feel it's the right one, then there is no reason the feel guilty about it.
In my world 80th birthdays are a really big deal. If you already have plans then don't go to the party but why not invite the birthday girl out for a nice meal or a small gathering at your home. I imagine if ill health is involved there won't be many more birthdays to celebrate in the future. Don't spend your precious time getting mad and ranting but instead find a way to make it work instead. I wish my parents or in laws were still around.
In my world 80th birthdays are a really big deal. If you already have plans then don't go to the party but why not invite the birthday girl out for a nice meal or a small gathering at your home. I imagine if ill health is involved there won't be many more birthdays to celebrate in the future. Don't spend your precious time getting mad and ranting but instead find a way to make it work instead. I wish my parents or in laws were still around.
Well, here's an update for all of you...
DH called MIL and suggested taking her out for dinner on another day. She said she had to think about it....then called back 10 minutes later. We are set to go next Saturday.
We weren't sure if she would go for it....as loosechickens suggested, nothing short of going to the party would might not be enough, but it worked. And if it didn't, we would have sent an arrangement to her home on the exact day, which is tomorrow. One way or another, we decided she would get something....
Actually, DH thinks this may be better as it gives her something to look forward to, and she will be the focus. This 80th birthday party is actually lumped into our grandnephew's 7th birthday so it's going to be dual 80th / kids party.
So far a win/win. Let's hope she's in a good mood......
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