View Full Version : Handling others' birthdays
Does anyone else face the challenge of people telling you several times that their birthday is coming up? I am getting this from a few people and not sure what to say to sort out expectations.
We do not celebrate birthdays. period! It is simply one more trip around the sun for us. We celebrate many things like mortgage freedom, end of school, Easter, etc., but not birthdays. I will try to go to see our kids in the fall and make them a meal and, of course, send DGS gifts but not for friends.
I am feeling pressured to make an effort to recognize birthdays. In my cake decorating days, it was worse since I was even told when they would like a cake.
If I don't have to remember anyone's birthday, I have no problems since no one can expect anything. That is my choice but it sure is hard to enforce without sounding rude. Ideas?
I tend to mention it as I tend to do something for myself and am usually excited about it. I also seldom invite friends to join me to party and that is my one exception. However, I mention it as something exciting I'm planning, and I hope others will join me, not so that they will 'do' anything extra for me.
I think a good answer is just to respond to the people who mention they have a B-Day coming up rather than remember peoples B-Days. For example, if someone says their B-day is on Friday, resond with a simple "I hope you have a nice one!". If you want to elaborate more - tell them that you don't celebrate or even remember B-days in your family but that you hope they enjoy theirs. That lets them know you won't be honoring their B-Day in any way, but provides a nice message to them before hand. For many people a B-Day is a big thing, less so for others, and everyone celecbrates it (or not :-)!) in their own way. You don't have to feel you need to just because they do.
I'm one of those people to whom birthdays are a big deal- although I've rarely told people my birthday is coming up. All I'm looking for is an email or phone call on the day of. A card is nice too, but not at all necessary.
We dont usually remember or celebrate birthdays. This year I am sending cards because I found so many bought in prior years and not sent. This year for my hubby's upcoming birthday, I had him buy a more expensive bottle of wine he never would buy on his own. ($14.99 vs 5.99) It was a comment like "go ahead and buy it, Happy Birthday." while at the grocery store.
This year is Mom's 80th and while she is here in Indy we are going to take her out to dinner with some of our friends and have a special cake made and served. But this is the first one we have celebrated with family in years and years.
People I didn't give birth to or who didn't give birth to me aren't even on my radar for birthday acknowledgements. If they're right there telling me it's their birthdya, I'll wish them well.
I quit feeling responsible for remembering everyones birthdays. But I have to say, I've mentioned mine coming up to a few people because it's one I plan to celebrate.....on my own. I'm taking a personal retreat weekend to celebrate me all by myself.
Yeah, if I tell you that my birthday is coming it doesn't mean I'm expecting anything, just that it is a conversation topic. Even to ask if it is a "big one" would be nice...and I find it particularly interesting that some people don't care at all about them and others do. I have a thought that I "shouldn't" care about my birthday, so two years ago I told DH to just forget it, no cake, no dinner, no nothing, it was all okay. And then I felt AWFUL and of course had brought that on myself. So I allowed myself to feel lousy and remind myself that I DO want a cake, and a nice dinner and people to say Happy Birthday (mostly my children). And this year, DH did exactly that and it was lovely. I have gotten over believing that if I ask for something that makes it less a good thing when I get it.
I acknowledge family birthdays and a couple of close friends but by acknowledge, I mean I might send an email.
razz, I'm with you. I don't care about others' birthdays because I don't care about my own. Those who have Birthdays and those who have birthdays are different tribes.
I love the people who plans and execute their own celebration, that's cool. Recently my friend threw herself a pretty danged elaborate party for her 34th birthday. It cost her easily $1,000. Oh and then her boyfriend proposed at the party (but they've since broken up. ) but anyway--another friend said about that in kind of a catty way "you mean she planned her own party"? and sure enough, friend #2 is of Birthdays are Special tribe.
I planned an ultimate trip to the U.K. for my 50th birthday and I see nothing wrong with that. It was also the year of DH's birthday and our 15th wedding anniversary. We took charge of the celebrating.
I wouldn't worry about them thinking they are going to get a gift from you, but I do think people feel special if someone even remembers and wishes them a happy birthday. I'd just chat about it with them, either before or on the day.
I just celebrated a 50th and so that was a big deal to me. My husband and brother took it on themselves to let everyone know that it was a special day - I didn't remind anyone.
I do like to be remembered on my birthday, moreso than I do Christmas or any other holiday. It makes me feel as though people value my presence in their lives -- the ones that say "I'm glad you were born" are the funniest and most touching. But I don't hold it against anyone who doesn't. It's special to ME, a day for reflection, and that's what matters.
All of that said, I often forget other peoples', though I would like to remember better. :(
The way I see it is, although birthdays aren't important to me, although it's kind of nice to have someone make ME breakfast for a change, birthdays ARE important to some people in my life, who are important to me. If I know the person well enough to know if birthdays are important to them, I make it important to me to remember their special day, because that person is important to me. It isn't always about me and my views on the subject. Sometimes it's about that person who will be hurt if i don't remember their special day. It ain't rocket surgery. Just mark it on the calendar. It takes so little effort to call/e-mail/send a card, but could mean the world to someone who is special to you.
Simple kindness is the easiest thing that is so hard to give.
All this is fine but then there are the Birthday celebrators who want to move the celebrations into the work arena. Don't get me started. Uggg.For my department that would be an obligatory "celebration" about every two - three weeks. Nope, we are not gonna do that (read: I will not take on that burden for non-related work stuff.) IF people wish to bring treats for their own birthday, that's fine.
It may be fine to remember once after they have told you but then you are expected to remember every year. I will assist and support these friends through different episodes in their lives without a single moment of hesitation but would have to mark quite a number of people's birthday on my calendar every blooming year so it is not going to happen.
I do mention that I wish that the day is wonderful should they raise it ahead of time but that does not seem to be enough. What about respecting my choice in the matter?
Maybe this disinterest in birthdays is one of those things that will make people annoyed but if the friendship is to survive, I may need to ask and we need to agree to ignore birthdays when the subject is raised the first time.
All this is fine but then there are the Birthday celebrators who want to move the celebrations into the work arena. Don't get me started. Uggg.For my department that would be an obligatory "celebration" about every two - three weeks. Nope, we are not gonna do that (read: I will not take on that burden for non-related work stuff.) IF people wish to bring treats for their own birthday, that's fine.
Regarding the OP, if someone broadcasts their birthday then a ‘Happy Birthday’ suffices, no one is obligated to celebrate someone elses birthday. If you wish, however, to do more than a greeting, plan festivities or join in then that’s good too.
Office birthdays are entirely an entirely different animal. My attitude comes from many years of obligatory birthday celebrations, as Iris lily noted, every 2-3 weeks or even often. The birthday consisted of contributing to the cost of the cake and sometimes a gift, birthday lunches, cards and sometimes after hour parties. I worked in an office of 100+ employees and the costs mounted up way too much for frugal me. Bowing out was an option but I usually gave in to pressure to participate.
I sound like a real party pooper but I’m really not I just prefer a simple, voluntary observance.
I'm with you Iris Lily- I hate personal celebrations in the workplace. I get paid to work. Party on your own time, with your own money. You are my colleague, not my friend. This is not a family- as anyone who's ever been laid off so the company can improve their margins and the VP's bonuses can attest. If someone does happen to be a friend outside of the office, I will go out to lunch with them on my own.
Ditto on workplace celebrations--a huge--and inappropriate--waste of time.
That said, it doesn't take much time or effort to keep track of friends' and relatives' birthdays and acknowledge them. If it brings them pleasure, why wouldn't you? People like to be acknowledged. My guess is there's something more to this.
The people who I am close to, I know the dates of their birthdays, and I always recognize the occasion with a birthday wish, as for everyone else, they don't repeat again and again. I recognize peoples birthdays, however if I were to ever come across someone bent on repeating the fact (again and again), I'd simply ignore them. In my mind I think, "yes, you've mentioned it to me once already, and I wished you a happy, up and coming celebration".
If I get that from someone, all I do is email/phone/send a FB message wishing them Happy Birthday on the day, if I won't see them in person. I simply don't do birthday cards anymore unless I'm going to a big number party. Well, there's an exception - my parents, whom I've not seen in almost 10 years. If I do NOT send them a card, I wouldn't hear the end of it. So, just to keep them quiet, I send b-day, Mother's/Father's Day, and Christmas cards.
All this is fine but then there are the Birthday celebrators who want to move the celebrations into the work arena. Don't get me started. Uggg.For my department that would be an obligatory "celebration" about every two - three weeks. Nope, we are not gonna do that (read: I will not take on that burden for non-related work stuff.) IF people wish to bring treats for their own birthday, that's fine.
We used to do that for everyone in my department, when I first began working at current company (in its previous, pre-merger incarnation). But as things changed, and we've gone through two different supervisors since then, it's fallen by the wayside, which I'm glad for. Some folks bring in treats on their birthdays, which is fine. For me, my birthday is in the middle of March, which is always during Lent. So Ii compromised by telling people that I will bring in all sorts of goodies - my Easter goodies - on the Tuesday after Easter when I return from being off for a few days for the end of Holy Week and Easter. Since it's primarily savory (people usually bring in sweet stuff) - meat and cheese, with some Eastern European-type holiday sweet things they would never see otherwise, they're always happy to gobble down what I bring in. :)
I forgot to mention in my previous post regarding work birthdays that one time when I was not quick enough to contribute to an office birthday celebration I got a 'you owe so and so $xx.xx for birthday cake and present' note on my desk when returning from an appointment. That was definitely over the top.
Goldensmom, I once came back from being off a month for major surgery in a previous office. In my email was a message to cough up $50 for the boss' Christmas prezzie. That was back in 2004. Folks who've been around for a good while might remember me posting about that. I didn't pay it, but the office manager who was organizing it, harassed me publicly something awful in the office, until I got fed up, went to the boss (without telling her the gift), and she told the office manager to lay off (which she did - for a while - that office was a mess).
Ditto on workplace celebrations--a huge--and inappropriate--waste of time.
That said, it doesn't take much time or effort to keep track of friends' and relatives' birthdays and acknowledge them. If it brings them pleasure, why wouldn't you? People like to be acknowledged. My guess is there's something more to this.
Nothing more to this. Jacqui Lawson website lets me place reminders about immediate family birthdays and now I do send an ecardto a very few.
A birthday repeat date is simply one more trip around the sun. Over 6 billion people do it every year with no effort and it is absolutely meaningless. In a few decades, about 9 billion will do this. Did Charles Manson, Adolph Hitler, Stalin etc have birthdays that were celebrated just because it was expected to do so. Blind submission to mass mesmerism.
Someone tells me that they are having a birthday, they set up expectations for me to meet and then are hurt because I don't follow their script.
Actual experience - I had a lot of fun doing cake decorating, won prizes at the local county fair and really enjoyed it. Pretty soon, friends were telling me when they would have their birthday and how they wanted it decorated and were deeply hurt when I didn't come through. Finally I simply announced that i was no longer doing any cake decorating. I lost the joy of doing something I loved because some people felt that their birthday gave them the right to set expectations for me and demanded that I comply.
By saying that it requires little effort to remember birthdays and send cards, you (general you) are perpetuating the myth that someone can impose responsbilities on me without my consent or even basic interest never mind in opposition to my sense of what is appropriate.
I don't celebrate birthdays! It is meaningless to me and a very commercial enterprise that the general public has been manipulated into doing.
Have a celebration of life by all means, honour someone for their accomplishments, say all the words that one might do in a eulogy so that the person being so honoured can hear it while they are still alive but don't expect me to have to do something because you have announced that you had one more trip around the sun.
To me that is one small choice of simple living and nothing more.
Nicely put, razz.
I rather like some of the suggestions above. For example, I'd like to bring treats to work on my birthday and invite people to share. I don't think anyone owes me anything on my birthday (well, I sure do like it if my children phone me!) but I also like being able to say yes, it is my birthday....and would you like some cake? I think I'll do this next year....if I have a workplace, or maybe even if I don't.
Yes, it is my birthday, I am glad and grateful to have made it another year, and I am glad to share this with you.....if you want it, and if you don't, no worries...
Goldensmom, I once came back from being off a month for major surgery in a previous office. In my email was a message to cough up $50 for the boss' Christmas prezzie. That was back in 2004. Folks who've been around for a good while might remember me posting about that. I didn't pay it, but the office manager who was organizing it, harassed me publicly something awful in the office, until I got fed up, went to the boss (without telling her the gift), and she told the office manager to lay off (which she did - for a while - that office was a mess).
Unfortunately, Tradd, based on my own experience, your experience does not surprise me.
The other side of the coin......in a any situation, work or personal, if the birthday person wants to provide a special treat for their own birthday, with participation optional, then what a fun way for them to celebrate their birthday. See, I'm not a birthday curmudgeon.
Miss Cellane
2-5-12, 10:01am
I try to remember and acknowledge the birthdays of my family and a very few close friends. Because I'm from a large family, just my siblings, their spouses and their kids is 17 people. Most just get an email or a card, but for the little kids I do buy presents. But that's in large part because I like shopping for kids' toys. The three friends that I remember every year--I know birthdays are important to them and part of being a good friend to them is remembering their birthdays.
The rest of the world--I'm happy they are happy about their birthdays, but I don't feel the need to contribute to their celebration. If I see them on the day, and I remember it's their birthday, I'll wish them a happy one.
The best arrangement I've experienced for birthdays at work was entirely optional. If you wanted to, you contributed $10 per year to the "Birthday Fund." Once a month, a cake was brought in and all the birthdays, new babies, graduations, anniversaries and other festive events were celebrated at lunch time. An email would go out: "Today is Celebration Day! John, Sam and Susie have birthdays this month, Todd and his wife Sara had their baby, Alexis, and Martha finished her Master's Degree! Join us at noon in the break room to say congratulations!"
The key thing being that it was entirely optional. And given the size of the department, $10 was a very low fee. I suspect the department head contributed a bit from his own pocket. But then, he was probably the best boss I've ever worked for.
I only send a card to those who have sent me one for years--one friend and DH's sister and DH. Nothing else for anyone.
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