View Full Version : Would you be comfortable with this?
OK, so our long-term helper left last week (sob!) and the friend she suggested could help us isn't going to work out -- her commute is too long and her family is not happy about her being away. We are fine with that, but now scrambling a bit to figure out how to manage things without the extra help, at least for the short term. My DH was originally planning to leave on his monthly work trip on Wednesday, but now has turned that into just a day trip to reset his visa. I've got major stuff going down at work and am putting in crazy hours, though I hope that will settle down this week (in the meantime up at 2am because I am too stressed to sleep).
So, with that as some background for why we are doing it, my DH and I discussed and decided we are going to try an experiment of letting the kids come home from school by themselves. DS is 10.5 and DD is 7. Their school is in our apartment compound, about a 5-10 minute walk through the compound. They do have to cross a couple of small streets -- one just behind the school and one fairly close to our building -- but both are interior to the compound and don't get a lot of traffic, and what traffic there is is very low speed. We're giving DS a cell phone, and he will be responsible for calling us to tell us when they are leaving the school -- if they are not home within 10 minutes, DH can call to see where they are. If for some reason DH or I aren't home, kids are supposed to call me when they get home (I should be on the way if not already home).
Does this seem reasonable and would you be comfortable with this kind of arrangement? I'm still not comfortable with leaving the kids alone at home for long periods, but the walk to school is short and safe, and DS is pretty responsible/mature for his age. Part of why we are contemplating this, in addition to just dealing with the stress of this week, is that it is kind of a test for how they might handle being latchkey kids if we can't find somebody to help long term or if we just decide we want to forego that for the timebeing. If this works, we might also add on them going to school on their own. If that works, then I might look into what it would cost to hire someone to drive me to/from work regularly, and shift my hours to a more regular 9-5 schedule.
Lots to think about, and not sure how it will all turn out, but wanted to get opinions here. Has anybody else made choices like these and how did they turn out? How old were your kids when you felt comfortable leaving them home alone for a few hours? I have done it for short periods, but only when I was in the immediate neighborhood -- no more than 5-10 minutes away. This would be similar when DH is home, but may change as we continue the experiment.
Thanks for any feedback.
lhamo
Yes, try it for a week, and pay attention, obviously, to how your kid feel about it all. Now, get some melatonin and go to sleep!
early morning
2-5-12, 3:32pm
Yes - I agree w/ redfox, try it out and see. Work out a couple "what if" scenarios - what if the door is open? What if the key breaks off in the door (no, really, this happened to our kids) - what if someone is following us? Not presented as scary, just matter of fact - "If you have any concerns, go to Mrs. Nosey's instead, and call me ASAP!") Of course you know your kids, and we don't. But at about those ages, our kids were responsible for getting themselves from the bus stop to the sitters house, and in another year, they were coming on home and staying until DH or I arrived. And that was before we could afford cell phones - they were really pricy then!
My daughter does exactly what you're thinking of with her 10& 7 yr old boys. All has been well so far. The older boy has proven to be quite responsible.
Sounds fine with me! Here's an idea. Are there any classmates whose parents pick them up at school and walk with them home and live close to you? Maybe your kids could walk at least part of the way with them if such could be found? Perhaps that might make you a bit easier?
chanterelle
2-5-12, 4:10pm
Before you start, meet them after school and have your son walk you home. You do not comment at all on the way home [unless something really dangerous comes up] but have him explain what he is doing and why he feels it is safe to cross each street. Let him lead you. Have him use his key to unlock your door and lock it again after they are inside. If you will be leaving snacks for them, let him get them out for himself and sister.
After you are home you can offer any constructive corrections if needed. You will both be happy, proud and relieved at the outcome of the trip I'm sure.
I agree with all the above. I believe there was a report in the UK at the time my son was around 9 or 10 (he's 24) saying that children who had not had steadily increasing amounts of responsibility in the primary school years were in greater danger of accident when they went to high school or became teenagers and suddenly had (relatively) huge amounts of freedom. It really helped me to make the decision to let him go out/stay at home on his own, and also to learn to cross increasingly busy roads over a period of about three years. It was hard (and I was a single parent so had no partner to help me make the decisions), but I do think it was the right thing to do.
I would be comfortable with that. I haven't left my big kids (almost 8 and 6.5) home alone, but they wander the neighborhood by themselves regularly. By 11 years old I know I was babysitting small kids, so a 10.5 year old staying with a 7 year old seems pretty reasonable.
Do you know any of your neighbors? I think I would feel better if the kids had the number of a neighbor who would be home that they could call in case of an emergency. I'd still probably do it even if I didn't have that, but it would ease my mind knowing there was someone who could be there quickly if absolutely necessary.
Probably the responsibility will be good for them.
Do your kids have a cell phone? Could they call you when they get to school? Will they have to leave by themselves in the mornings?
If they can't call you, does the school have a policy to call you if your children aren't there?
Thanks for all these great comments, ideas and suggestions! I'm not sure there are other kids in their classes who live in the compound, but there is one other family who used to live upstairs who my daughter played with. They moved to another building and the parents both work, but the kids know they ayi and that could be a safe place for them to go if we're not home. I could also have them go to the gym to wait for me if they couldn't get in the house for some reason -- the people at the counter know them from when we go in for swimming, and there is a little nook with couches where they could sit. There is also a coffeeshop fairly close downstairs where they could go to wait (and it probably isn't a bad idea to give my son some "mad money" to use in an emergency
Our door is a little strange. We have an electronic keypad where you punch in the code to make it open. DS knows the code, but sometimes the batteries get low and it doesn't open so they might get locked out that way.
In my stuporous lack of sleep this morning I was imagining everything that could go wrong. Like them coming home and finding no one home and DS deciding to try to make a snack himself and practically cutting his finger off (like I did while making salsa the other morning). First level solution = avoidance: pre-make a snack for them every day and leave it in the fridge when I leave, and estabilsh a strict "no adult, no knives" rule. Second-level solution: teach them both basic first aid for smaller cuts. Third level solution: Have a backup adult to call nearby and also leave money for an emergency taxi to the hospital (they know what it is called and where it is) if they need it.
I did get a lead on a possible person to help in the afternoons from a friend who also lives in the compound. Will be following up with her on that.
back to work...
Kids LIKE being responsible. Especially if the responsibility is tempered with lots of support. I bet the kids would do very well. Sounds like you have several fail-safe options and that's good.
Bastelmutti
2-6-12, 11:35am
I think that arrangement sounds just fine. I started leaving my kids alone for short periods at about 8 (no stove/oven rule since ours needs to be lit with a match), and DD started riding her bike to school at 11. She now walks in a "walking school bus" where they pick up kids along the way until a group of 3-5 is walking to school together. Some of them have phones, but she doesn't. We're thinking of getting her one. It's nice that your route includes places they could get help or stop off along the way. My DDs know how to get to their aunt's and grandma's houses, so that makes me feel better, too. Good luck with your plan!
Letting go for the first time and allowing kids a little more in the way of responsibility and freedom, can be difficult. In addition to everything mentioned thus far, how about doing a couple of "dry runs" with your kids, i.e., engaging in the walk to and from school (with them). This will be a good time to review any additional hazards or predicaments you see, while at the same time observing your DK's in action.
I did this with my kids when they reached a point where they were ready to start going to the park on their own to play, or going to the school playground to toboggan. On the way, I pointed out familiar houses to them, where familiar people live, so in the case of an emergency, they could go to those homes for help, and I set out and established a path (directions and way) I expected them to follow when going to and from, that way if I came looking for them, we'd cross paths. I think of them as the little things, but all too often parents overlook the little things that make all the difference in world related to avoiding the bigger things.
Additionally, I'd be inclined to make a list of rules and requirements you expect from your DK's when walking to and from school by themselves. Rules such as, no dilly-dallying, no stopping anywhere, etc. Speaking from experience, I find that helps calibrate the child's way of thinking with that of the parent(s), helping to reiterate to them what is expected of them and what isn't acceptable.
Sure, by all means, give a whirl for a few days and see where it goes.
I think that with the right children, a little responsibility goes a long way. You are best to judge whether your kids are up for the task. I would say, though, that keep a plan b in mind... for all your thoughts that this might be a solution to your problem, be very cognizant that your ds may be too stressed by this and it could be beyond his capacity at the moment. In that case, you will have to put your backup plan into place until later.
My ds was still not comfortable being alone until he was 15! My dd was fine at a much younger age - about 10, and with the added task of being responsible for her younger brother.
To be honest, I generally have a pretty "free range" philosophy when it comes to the kids -- I am not a hovering type at all, and we have let them go out and play around the compound by themselves for a couple of years now. Knowing that is kind of my style, I think I asked out of a kind of "gut check" reflex -- just want some validation that I'm not being crazy and neglectful here.
Yesterday afternoon went exactly as planned. DS called before they left, and they were home about 10 minutes later. Pretty pleased with themselves, too. Today might be interesting, as their dad and I are going to check out a different school possibility for our son, and may not get home before they do. We'll see how it goes.
lhamo
To be honest, I generally have a pretty "free range" philosophy when it comes to the kids -- I am not a hovering type at all, and we have let them go out and play around the compound by themselves for a couple of years now. Knowing that is kind of my style, I think I asked out of a kind of "gut check" reflex -- just want some validation that I'm not being crazy and neglectful here.
LOL. I totally get that! I am the same way. Every once in a while someone will make a comment to me and I wonder if I'm a careful enough parent and second guess myself. Then I'll hear that same person complaining about junior who is a teenager and can't be trusted to feed the cat or make themselves toast and I feel vindicated. :)
I'm glad it's going well!
loosechickens
2-7-12, 2:57pm
I think it's fine, and Stella is right......when you see those teenagers who are completely incompetent to be trusted to make decisions, do things like remember to feed the cat, etc., you don't need to look very far to see someone who should have been taught ever increasing responsibility from a very young age.
We have become a society that infantilizes our children out of fear that something will happen to them, yet childhood is THE time to learn to make decisions, practice judgment, take on responsibilities, etc. In this society, we often keep children "safe" at the expense of them learning to be responsible adults.
Yes, things have always happened to children, often when adults were right there, yet powerless to help. But it is an almost sure thing that if you overprotect your children, do not allow them to learn how to accept and fulfill responsibilities, learn critical thinking skills about how to handle situations, you are almost guaranteed to find those children as young adults, inept, unable and clueless about how to navigate the adult world. And THEN they have almost complete freedom, yet no long experience of how to handle it. Perfect examples of parenting that erred more on the side of the parents' comfort zone in protecting them, rather than on what a parent's job really IS, producing a responsible adult, who is capable and able of making decisions, judgments and taking on and fulfilling responsibilities.
one of my favorite hobbyhorses, in case any might have missed that in the past, hahahaha.......
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