Dealing with passive aggressive people (somewhat of a vent)

[herbgeek]

How do you deal with passive aggressive people? Give in? Avoid them? Confront them?

Here's my situation (and I'm trying to keep it as brief as possible, and not mention multiple incidents):

We've known this couple "Mary" and "John" for 30 years. John, my husband and I worked together and we've stayed friendly over the years, maybe seeing each other socially once a year or so.

Mary is a huge control freak. Plans must be her idea, and the event has to unfold the way she wants it. Not just with us, with her family too. But she's pretty sneaky about it, and often pulls the martyr/victim card in order to get her way. I've put up with this over the years so that my husband can hang out with John. Its not very often, so I suck it up.

In September, Mary asked me if I'd be interested in a discounted coupon to a local comedy club. I said sure, let me know when, but have not heard from her since then.

This coming weekend is a jazz concert at a local place. I know they like jazz, so yesterday I asked if they'd like to go and said I'd be buying tickets today. This evening I receive an email from Mary, never mentioning the invite, and asking if I want to go to the comedy club on Saturday, because "this is the last weekend my coupon is valid". I responded with, sorry I already bought the tickets to the concert. So she says, how about next weekend? Hmmm, I guess this really wasn't the last valid weekend, she just pulled that to get me to agree to what she wanted to do. >:(

I think I surprised her by not playing along this time.

Do you have people like this in your life and how do you deal with them?

[redfox]

I have a few. I have gotten super clear on the personal boundaries I want to set, and communicated them. I've practised, not always successfully, managing my own reactivity to boundary violations. I do my best to be kind and firm; clear and flexible.

[mtnlaurel]

It's really nice of you to continue to have Mary in your life for the benefit of your husband to hang with John.

People are nuts.
I'd write her off as a nut and deal with her the way you would deal with a child and work my hardest to be amused by her next absurdity.

Very often when dealing with my children when I think of them as being on the developmental scale of a well-trained chimpanzee (on a good day) that helps me in some way.
(my children aren't passive aggressive - I just mean if I view some people, such as PAs, as developmentally stunted I can deal with them in a kinder fashion)

My final email to her would be, "oh, if the coupon is valid next weekend for the comedy club too, count us in - sounds like fun! I could use a good laugh. Will you all be joining us this weekend for jazz? Let me know when you can. All the best, MtnLaurel"

So I guess in the area of PA, I'd just try to out PA her.
That's probably not good advice by the way, but it's honestly what I would do.

Unless something is super serious, I rarely waste my time trying to get people to see the light.

[razz]

P-A's are very aggravating to deal with. As mentioned above, discuss with your DH so he has some understanding of the situation, set boundaries and stick with it. Don't be surprised if your DH has no idea what you are talking about, BTW. Many men don't seem to do the analysis of relationships that women often do. John has lived with this dynamic for years and probably goes along with Mary to get along but it is his choice.

[Mrs-M]

Yes, we have a couple of those kinds in our family, but I don't allow them to bore into my skin. I've learned to keep them elbows-length away, give them very little to go on, and when faced with their nature, I make communication and contact, short and brief.

People with this type (and make-up) speak for themselves, and others notice, so don't allow them to setup shop under your skin and cause irritation. Take them with a grain of salt, and let the chips fall where they will. I find the less one pays attention to them, the more unstable you make the path they walk on.

[Sad Eyed Lady]

A very frustrating situation. I used to work for an attorney who was PA - could drive me absolutely nuts! He would actually "pout", (my way of putting at it), and you just had to guess what you had done to bring this on. So frustrating. So after 10 years with him, I still have no advice as how to handle someone like this. The boundary setting sounds good and it would be easier to do with someone who is not your employer.

[merince]

I think you handled it perfectly. I also have to deal a lot with that kind of stuff.

I have found that the best strategy is not to let it get you and not to react to the sub-text. As somebody already mentioned women tend to pick out the non-verbal clues a lot more than men. Just take it at face value and roll with it.

[Stella]

My MIL and step-FIL are like that. I try to use the same strategy as redfox. I keep my boundaries super clear and stick to them. I make my decisions based on what works for me and my immediate family and don't apologize.

It's caused quite a few major temper tantrums from them. I refuse to take responsibility for the temper tantrums. DH and I have been accused by them of "tearing the family into pieces" because we refuse to bend over backwards to accomodate their sometimes outrageous demands.

I end any conversation that devolves into a temper tantrum or pity party politely, but firmly. "This seems to be hitting an emotional nerve. I think this conversation would be best delt with when we can discuss it calmly and rationally. We'll talk another day." I ignore whining and moping the way I do with my kids.

It sounds like you handled it well. If you want to go to the comedy club the next week, by all means go, but good for you for sticking to your guns about the concert.

[Charity]

I've dealt with passive aggressive people, and I think the thing that gets to me the most is the dishonesty. When someone is dishonest with you in order to get what they want it's hard to buy into the friendship. At the suggestion of the wise people on these boards I bought and read the book "Who's Pulling Your Strings". It's fantastic. As a result I have a much clearer understanding of how to recognize when I'm being manipulated and stop it before I give in and resent it.

[treehugger]

My mother is like that and, consequently, I don't really put up with that kind of behavior from others (acquaintences, coworkers). I have had to deal with it enough with her, I guess. And of course, since she's my mom, and I love her, I concentrate on just not letting her get to me (I can't change her, only my reaction). I am only moderately successful.

Kara

[puglogic]

The question that arose for me was: Why would you WANT to go (to either a comedy show or a jazz concert) with a person like this? When you search your feelings, is it something you're doing because you really want her company, or are you just reacting to her?

I'd personally tend not to spend money to be around someone like this. Let your husband contact John if he wants to remain friends and do friend things. I guess I just have a real distaste for passive-aggressive people, and tend to just let them stew in their own juices and do what *I* feel like doing. But that's just me.

[Gardenarian]

I deal with passive-aggression with brutal honesty. Address the person directly, tell what it is you want or don't want. They will blither and blather and try to slide away, but just hold your ground. I do not like confrontation, but I am not afraid of it either, and would rather confront someone than feel resentment that they are trying to manipulate me.

[jlroussin]

I have experience with people like that. The only thing that works is to avoid them, and have only minimal contact. I've learned the hard way, that confrontation will only make matters worse, and that there is no way to change these people. If you can't avoid them, try to realize that it is their issue, and nothing personal, which is hard to do.

[larknm]

One way I reduce my reaction to that is to remember "None of us is born with a manual on how to get it right." This allows me to just bounce a long without looking down on them.

When I recognize it in relationships, it's usually in the form of which of the partners can communicate that s/he suffers more than the other, and the highest sufferer wins. Fortunately it's easynot to get into other couples' tangles of this sort.