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My DH & I have been housing our friend, S, on the days his soon to be ex-wife is in the family home with their two children. She is opposed to him being a half time father, and is insisting on minimal contact with the kids. He wants to share parenting half & half, and told her of that today.
Her response is to allege abuse. I was a DV social worker for nearly two decades, and was part of the legion of women & men who fought very hard for victim's rights, to make sure women were believed. To have this allegation raised as a weapon is incredibly infuriating.
Of course, I was not in the room with them each time they were in conflict, so I cannot assert that the allegation is without merit. In the 8 years I have known them, I've seen NOTHING, not a damn inkling even remotely suggesting abuse. They have both been disrespectful of each other, but not abuse.
She is threatening to get a restraining order tomorrow morning to throw him out of their home. Because of decades of hard work that I and scores of others did, she will likely be believed, and granted a temporary RO. She will have to defend it in court two weeks later. He will be lining up an attorney tomorrow. Of course guess who pays the price? A 2 year old & a 6 year old.
What a freaking disaster. Each and every escalation she pulls reminds me of my stepkids mom. What is it with these crazy people?
K. Thanks for listening. FWIW, I'm doing a good job keeping my boundaries clear... And I am very, very sad.
{{{{ redfox }}}} You have a big heart, and I can feel it aching. I'm sad for the kids too, no matter whether the allegations are true or not. People going through contentious divorces can be so very, very volatile. Sigh.
it's about power, isn't it?
I think it's the saddest thing to keep a loving father away from his children. I think it's terrible to keep a loving mother away from her children. Absolute heartbreak.
Friends of ours have a son going through a similar scenario. Their son is no Prince Charming but there is such an anger in the woman (they lived common-law) and need for control of the one child. He did lose the court case but does have shared access because she needed to work and needed childcare despite the huge $$$ settlement.
Often I wonder if an addiction response is for those who cannot gain power over their mental or emotional pain any other way and power battles are for those who fight due to the same pain triggers. I am referring to that "fight and flight" response to life's challenges that no one seems to fully understand as yet. Wonder if neuroscience will ever work that out?
I had hoped that mediation/counselling would have greater effect in the power struggles.
That is horrible, I know I asked to have my ex out of the house much faster than he was. I wasn't stopping him from seeing the kids but it was scary to live with him then. Since he never laid a hand on me I couldn't get anything done, but I spent 4 months primarily living in the bedroom only coming out to fix meals or take care of the kids.
I hope someone in this situation is as clear headed. No police reports, no reports at all to friends or family. I am not saying people are not abused and very quiet about it but there usually is something there. And I wouldn't want someone actually being abused to not have this protection, not a good one.
I agree with the power dynamic. It can be used by either gender, not about size or strength. I was shocked at how well the legal system works with some pretty messed up, power focused people,
That is indeed sad - mainly for the young children involved. I'll keep them in my prayers.
I know so many people who were at each others throats in the aftermath of separation, using every mean trick in the book, convinced that by doing this they were saving their child/children from the other 'monster' parent.
When in fact it was just out of control hurt and anger and not a whole lot to do with the kids at all. Wind forward a couple of years and when people have hung in there a bit, they often have really good and even loving co-parenting arrangements.
Living together after separation is VERY stressful and I hope that part of it can sort out soon for your friend, Redfox. And I hope, for everyone's sake they all can try not to muddy the future by their rage in the present.
And I hope, for everyone's sake they all can try not to muddy the future by their rage in the present.
I am quoting this very line to both of them... To S in person, and to his wife in a letter. Thank you.
chanterelle
2-14-12, 10:53am
I am quoting this very line to both of them... To S in person, and to his wife in a letter. Thank you.
Redfox, iknow that you have painful experience with these issues via your past work, your own daughter and step kids. By virtue of that experience, want to add your wisdom to help fix the situation, but you cannot fix everyone's life no matter how hard you try and how much life experience and knowledge of possible outcomes you may have.
Please reconsider sending that letter unless the two of you have been very close in the past and she is asking for your insight. Unsolicited input, no matter how well meaning, could further anger an already furious person and seem like and intrusion into her personal affairs. This could have the opposite effect that you are hoping for, and result in her making things even more contentious for a settlement to be reached.
You can, by all means, support your friend and act as a chaacter witness if needed, but you are not the social worker of record here and despite your insight and life experience must step back.....way back.
Chanterelle, great observations. I appreciate your counsel. She & I have been close, and she has been a good friend.... we spent time together over the holidays as she disclosed her fury and plans to seperate. When their now nearly 7 year old was 6 months old, we took care of her weekly while they had date nights in an attempt to mend their marriage. We did that for nearly two years for them. She knows her kids are here with their dad, and feels good about our home being a safe place for them. I'm confident that she'd hear my wish in a good light.
leslieann
2-14-12, 11:02am
Hard stuff, hard, hard, stuff. I see this all the time in my work and the dynamics are frequently far more subtle than overt. Parents who have been somewhat involved with their kids decide to become full half time parents with no history of that, and they are supported in that regardless. Parents who have been uninvolved with the kids decide to become half time parents and they are supported in that. parents who have been fully involved are squeezed out by allegations of neglect of family. Mostly when people decide to divorce they don't want this level of conflict and they often seem to believe that they, somehow, will be spared the anger and drama that everyone else experiences. But there is something so primal about losing that attachment relationship that it turns many people into something that they otherwise would not be.
Keeping in touch with one's higher self is really, really hard during separation and divorce. I wish your friends some peace and sanity. And for you, redfox, I wish you also peace and to know that you can send your kindness and your positive thoughts and your warmth to both of your friends without addressing them directly. Not to sound too "woo-woo" here, but just being aware of your wishes for them and pointing that thought in their direction can help you, at least, to feel better.....chanterelle makes a good point about unintended consequences.
I love Zemma's comment and think it should be on a t shirt....for everyone, not just divorcing couples....but offering advice when it is unsolicited is a dangerous business under the best of circumstances.
(((((redfox)))))) Your friends are lucky to have you.
Yesterday, our friend moved back home, as his wife found an apartment. He had us over to dinner with the kids. It was fun & relaxing. She's unfortunately choosing to trash him in FB messages... I hope they are not public. And I hope she stops it. She is filing for divorce this week, and wants the kids to herself. Luckily, this state views all parenting as 50/50 unless it's otherwise demonstrated to be bad for the kids. Kids need & deserve BOTH parents!
He was with us for almost 2 months, and his kids were here the last two weeks. That was so fun! My DH had an incredible chance to mentor our friend as a father who has been divorced, and bullied by an ex. I think it was very healing for my DH to pay forward what he received almost 20 years ago when his wife left him & dear friends took him in. We both feel incredibly lucky to both have a calm, adult relationship and a capacious home to welcome people into. I'll miss him... and am glad to have our sanctuary back!
Redfox, I'm just so glad there are people like you and your husband who will stand in the gap. It's a true sign of friendship to be there in the rough times and to invest in others.
I've been on both sides of this fence ....sort of. Once I dated a guy for awhile that had a daughter from his previous marriage. Long after he and I broke up his ex wife was trying to get sole custody of DD and used the physical abuse excuse. There was not a violent bone in this man's body and he lived for DD. His ex actually told the court that the reason I broke up with him was because he was physically abusing me and that I called her and told her so. I had never had a single conversation with her in my life. I was so livid I actually wrote to the judge in his defense.
On the other hand, within about a year of my divorce, my DD at age 6 started acting strangely. She was bed wetting, becoming a bully in school and other things. I took her to a child counselor and he suspected sexual abuse. As a couple of years passed there was even more evidence, including journal writings by her for a school project, which the teacher was alarmed enough to bring to my attention. When I spoke to her father about it in an effort to get to the bottom of it, I was immediately dismissed as the lying irate ex-wife. He and his new wife flatly refused to cooperate and said I was making it all up. I learned when my daughter was 18 that I was right. The abuser was her paternal grandfather. I honestly feel that had we gotten her the help she so desperately needed at an early age we would have avoided a world of difficult and dangerous behavior in her teens. But then what do I know. I'm just the bitchy ex-wife.
Oh, Charity, that's very sad. My stepkids lived with an abuser who pulled guns on their mom. We intervened when we found this out... It was very dramatic, unfortunately. Their mom is still a bully (she's bipolar, untreated), but at least she's safe. And the kids are young adults.
My friends wife is, I believe, still very immature. She has a childike sense of entitlement that is very confusing from the outside. She has no grounds upon which to demand full custody, and I hope my friend gets a good attorney. I'm glad your daughter has gotten support. Hugs.
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