View Full Version : Spouse: Don't tell me how much we have in savings.
A little while back, I was so happy that I finally saved one month's living expenses. We finally reached that amount in savings, which for us is around $3500 a month, though that includes spending an extra $685 on the mortgage each month.
I happily told my wife, and she said, "Oh, don't tell ME how much we have in savings; I'll spend it!"
And to some extent that's true. She is much more likely to spend than I am. (And we do have $50 a month personal spending money each built into the budget, so there's some room to spend frivolously).
I was a little disappointed by the reaction because I'm proud of the job I've done as the CFO of the family. I wanted her to say "great honey! keep it up and we'll soon have that three to six month cushion we need." But whatever. I decided I would continue to quietly shepherd the budget along with the goal being to get completely free of debt before the kids hit college so we could help them and no one would have to borrow money.
Now here's the thing. As I mentioned in another post. My mother passed away recently. Because of that, we now have six months of living expenses in savings and I've paid off my wife's student loan and a home improvement loan we took out this winter to replace our heater and water heater. That leaves only our mortgage, and I think I'm going to be able to take a $30-$60,000 chunk out of that, leaving us with only three years or so to go before we're completely debt-free.
My wife has not asked me anything about my mother's estate. I've been feeling like I'm sneaking around socking money into the emergency fund and paying off debt. But I am going by her original "Oh, don't tell me how much we have in savings!"
What do I do? Do I follow this original "don't ask, don't tell" policy that she requested and seems to be following? I somehow feel guilty. I also know that, while she wouldn't exactly waste the money, it would get spent more quickly if she knew exactly how much there is. (It would not remain an emergency fund, but would dwindle). I assume that she has the same suspicion, and that is why she hasn't asked about how much money has been going into the bank.
I've been sticking exactly to the same budget with the exception of paying off loans and putting money into savings. So, it's not like I'm buying myself stuff on the sly with the money. Still, I'm slightly uncomfortable about it.
Is this weird?
No. My DH is EXACTLY the same way. He's a big spender, and he wants nothing to do with the day-to-day issues of money. In fact, there's a rule in the house that I can't even bring up the topic of money before 11 a.m. (I'm not kidding).
I've tried to get him on board with debt repayment and even though he's glazed over every time I mention it, when I pay off a debt, I make a big deal of it, and I share with him the process of crossing it off the list, which is huge to me. He honestly has 0 interest in it.
My MIL died, and the inheritance is his, and he's the one who just keeps it to himself. I don't ask him about it, because it's "his" money, although he has said, of course, it's mine, too. But there is nothing that says to me that he wants to share any decisions about that with me. In fact, he said to me yesterday, "I'm thinking of changing the investment, and I'm going to ask [our son] what he thinks."
As long as you feel comfortable that she's just disinterested and not passive aggressive, I'd leave it alone. In my case, I know it would be better if we could communicate as a couple about money, but frankly, I've given up.
My wife is not passive/aggressive about money. She's honestly happy that I deal with it because she doesn't want to and often thanks me for doing such a good job with our finances. Before we got married, our local credit union almost kicked her out because she kept writing bad checks. I've never quite put my finger on what it is she does that causes money to go away. She doesn't exactly waste money, but her spending always seems dictated by what she feels she needs rather than how much money is budgeted to spend. We actually balance each other nicely since I generally don't like to spend. I just feel that maybe we should be communicating about such large sums. (Well, at least they seem large to me). But the type of argument we would have is like this: She would think that a six month emergency fund would mean that we could replace our old carpeting. I would rather keep the six month's worth in the bank and save for the carpeting, and besides, I would not want to replace it while we have an ancient incontinent dog. It's just not the kind of thing I would want to spend an inheritance on. It's a question of whether I keep that money quietly in place, knowing that she told me not to tell her how much we have in savings, or whether I want to be above board and fight to keep the emergency fund in place against a rising tide of projects that would occur to my spouse in the light of such an amount of money on hand. Of course, now that the fund is in place, I can divert the money I had been saving into other projects she finds desirable.
I would ask her to have the conversation & make joint decisions. The communications needed to decide on financial priorities are important to develop, and if you end up in a fight, perhaps you could use some coaching on how best to talk about it all. If you're hiding the amount due to wanting to avoid communications, that is not a money matter.
If she has said point blank not to tell her, then I think you are doing the right thing and abiding by her request. She obviously knows there is some money and I'm assuming that if she felt she truly needed something that required more than her $50 personal allowance she would ask. But if it makes you feel better to include her in some way, perhaps you can simply tell her, "I've got a financial plan mapped out for the family that will have us debt free and able to provide for our children's future educations. If you want to know the details, I will share them with you. If you would rather that I just keep doing what I'm doing, then I will give you updates as we reach what I consider to be significant milestones, but I won't bore you with the details."
Maybe just ask her again if she wants to know or if she was serious about not knowing.
I'd feel more comfortable making joint decisions unless my DH really didn't want to be involved.
You are not being dishonest or unfair. It is your inheritance that you have applied as you saw fit, you have been appointed the CFO by an informed joint decision, you are doing and being acknowledged to be doing a great job in that role, and she has asked you not to tell her about extra savings. She trusts you to have the family's well-being at heart and you have done so. She has her role that she is fulfilling to the best of her ability with the family's well-being at heart as well.
When I inherited, DH never expected anything of it or was interested in how it was spent or invested, so I believe that you are creating problems where none exist.
If you are asked, tell her the truth but keep on doing what you both are doing so well.
flowerseverywhere
2-28-12, 8:19pm
My vote goes with Stellas answer. You also could reassure her that if at any time she wanted to view the books just to ask. I would be a little leary about her not knowing at all then in a few years questioning why you made the decisions you did.
by the way, congratulations on being such a great CFO of your family. The short term sacrifices you are making will pay off in a big way when you are debt free and able to use your resources to help educate your family.
iris lily
2-28-12, 10:15pm
Sounds like you are doing what's best for your family scenario. Since the money is coming form your side of the family, I think you've got a stronger say in what happens to it, anyway. At least, that's how I'm treating the windfall from my mother's death last year. I've given more in donations than I'd ever be able to give from purely joint funds having to secure DH's agreement. The other money spent is benefiting him.
You are doing fine, you are building the security of your family.
You know, I might if I were you give everyone in the family a one-time pot of money to spend however they want, say, $1,000 for the adults and $100 or $250 for the kids. But that's it. It will show your family that you want some enjoyment for them as well as frugality. But I know that you guys had a fab overseas trip last year, too, so that was a nice splurge and a recent one.
Maybe you could hold back the splurge money until next year, and surprise them with it.
I would side with not telling her. You told her once and she asked you not to again. She obviously trusts you to be the family's CFO. And from everything you've ever posted on this topic I'd say you're doing a great job. There's certainly no reason to feel guilty about "sneaking around paying off debt". Both because it was possible due to your inheritance, and also, what's she going to say? "I loved that debt! It was my favorite debt! Why'd you go and pay it off???" Of course not. In the long run what you're doing will be to her benefit as well. At some point I assume she will want to retire, and with your positioning of the family's finances that will be a reality instead of an "I wish I could..."
Dave Ramsey has an absolutely hysterical session about getting both people in a couple involved in the finances. It's so funny because it's so true. He believes that BOTH people have a responsibility to understand the budget and BOTH have an absolutely equal say in the finances and he nails the dynamics in couple that prevent it. At least he did with us and I'm generally not one who sees herself in generalized examples of this type.
If you really want her to know then she gets a say, an absolutely equal say, without any nervous dithering from you. And the reality is that is if you really did give her an equal say in the budget, your debt reduction would be slowed waaaaaaaaay down. Don't get me wrong, what you have done is amazing. BUT, it probably wasn't how she would have organized the budget.
Money is a tough relationship thing. You can decide if it's worth really hearing and respecting her desires to spend more in exchange for her knowing.
There is not one way to manage household finances. As individuals, my husband and I would be different. We decided to let him handle the finances but the caveat was that i could ask for info any time and it would be provided. First we started with monthly info and it now is whenever he wants to share and in depth yearly. He is an excellent manager and saved us several times by taking some action early. At the end of the year he provides balance sheets, income statement and proposed budget and makes me go over them.
It should be security for your wife to at least know where she stands presently and for the future. But I have to say she seems totally confident in your capabilities in this area and can go to work free of one worry. How about writing down your financial goals and keep a life book for the family to track them? We do that and enjoy the process.
I think you could do the modified version: "I have achieved our goal of having an emmergency fund. I can now divert $xxx per month towards some projects. What would you like to tackle first?" That way, you're abiding by her wish of not telling her exactly how much you have, but she also gets to reap the benefits of the inheritance by using up part of the freed up cash flow towards something that is important to her.
Mighty Frugal
2-29-12, 1:43pm
I love Iris Lily's suggestion to give each member of the family a small windfall to spend as they wish-what a great gift to your family!
I would tell her about the debt repayment that has taken place but not about the savings.
I'd also think about upping her $50/mthly mad money. Doesn't seem enough for someone who likes to buy things. If your new budget can afford it perhaps change it to $100 each/mthly?
dado potato
2-29-12, 2:17pm
Like others here, I see no cause to feel guilty. Pcooley, you are making significant progress whether your spouse knows about it or not.
(Feel free to crow about it here... we simpletons generally "get it" when one of us is capable and successful with family finances.)
Our household operates fairly comfortably on a common-pot basis. I have the role of managing the finances, but I make a standing offer to transfer that role to my dear wife if ever she requests. (Hasn't happened!) My communication policy is to be forthcoming with complete and accurate information whenever (or if) asked by DW.
Also, in case of my being incapacitated, DW has a list of all the assets and liability accounts, all the passwords and answers to security questions relative to any online or telephone-accessible accounts.
I have a written "financial plan" which I am now more than 7 years into. During these years virtually all goals have been achieved or surpassed, without DW taking particular notice or interest.
I accept that DW is content to enjoy the security and convenience of a "24/7 wealth manager".
Pcooley, in a possibly parallel life experience, when I married my DW I paid off her debts (credit card and mortgage). She told her closest friends I was a "wizard with money", which is the way they see me, I guess. "Abra Cad Abra!" <chuckle>
loosechickens
2-29-12, 3:18pm
She's already indicated that she doesn't want to know, she trusts what you are doing, feels comfortable with you managing the money, and knows herself and her weakness in handling the stuff, so has set up something of a system of prevention for herself not to blow money that should go for other things.
You've done a wonderful job, I'm sure your wife appreciates knowing that you are guarding the family "box of coins" well, so my feeling is that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
If she inquires, you should be honest and tell her, but I suspect she isn't going to inquire because she doesn't want to know, because she is counting on you to be that firewall between her and overspending.
As you get the debt down, and the emergency fund increased, I DO think it might be nice to say, "we're doing well, finances are a little looser, with your help in sticking to your $50 per month for frivolous expenses, and now I think we could raise that amount, due to our good money management, and reward ourselves with an increase in that amount. And leave it at that.
I'm the person in our family who handles all the financial stuff. While my sweetie and I are on the same page insofar as spending and saving, he just does not want involvement in the decisions. He considers me to be the better one for that, so I've always done it. I am sure he is capable, just not interested.
And with your sweetie it seems a combination of that, not being interested, PLUS a recognition that she is a spender, so more than willing to let you make those decisions that will end up protecting both your futures and ensuring a good start for your youngsters.
By the way, congratulations for doing a great job. To me, inheritances are not really for "spending" for the most part, anyway. They represent accumulated capital that should be put to work, or at worst used to pay off debt that you won't just accumulate more of, pay off a mortgage, etc., stuff that you're paying more interest on than that money could make. But, mostly for you to take your place in the parade of having had an inheritance passed to you from your parents, so it being your responsibility to husband it carefully, so that when the time comes, your children enjoy that same opportunity.
Good for you.....don't feel guilty at all, just keep up the good work and be glad that your wife trusts you to act in her behalf.
As someone who balances every account to the penny, I don't understand your wife's point of view, but if she's told you that she doesn't want to know specific numbers, I would probably just tell her that with the inheritance you were able to meet your emergency fund goals, pay off the loans and that you're applying some to the mortgage to reduce the payoff time. You are letting her know how the plans are progressing, but not giving her the temptation of knowing how much is in the bank.
I would agree with continuing as you are. The only thing I would add is to pick the next two logical projects and get her input about which to do first. For this to work, the order has to not logically matter. That way she can help make some choices in a situation where either choice is a good one.
O.k.....but what if you become seriously ill, incampacitated, died suddenly?
Does she know where to find files, accounts, passwords, does she know who your investments are with?
Who can hold her hand and walk her through those financial times if needed?
I'd say a yearly or semi-annual meeting is needed just so she is reminded of the big picture.
Maybe you could 'reward' her for sitting through the meeting with a little extra fun money?
(reminding myself to schedule a meeting with my husband and give him the big picture overview again soon - too bad ours is still more on the side of here are all the things that need to be paid because that depresses him something fierce)
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