View Full Version : How to accept someone's independence when I think they are being exploited?
thinkgreen
2-29-12, 10:33pm
I have an adult loved one who has a lot of health issues and perhaps has some cognitive impairment. My instinct is to protect them but it seems impossible and my attempts are damaging my relationship with my loved one. I have given my opinion, strongly, but the situation continues.
They are being exploited by someone who tells them sob stories, ie their pet needs medical attention, etc., so money is offered and given. Sometimes money is asked for and given. Sometimes friends of the exploiter tell the sob story and are offered and given money. There is perhaps $10,000 loaned or given to the exploiter and their friends over a period of time. From my perspective it's like a shark circling its prey. The exploiter starts small, perhaps $25, and works it up with successive episodes of vet visits or whatever the story is.
I need tips on how to reconcile myself to accept my loved one's free choice and independence in this situation.
I would encourage you to consult with senior services, even if the person is not a senior. They are often very gppd at helping one assessa potentially exploitive relationship.
If there is cognitive impairment, the alleged exploiter is possbly breaking the law. You could also call the prosecuting atty's office & ask them about the legalities.
Yes, I was just coming to post that this sort of thing might possibly be considered "elder abuse" depending on your local laws.
thinkgreen
2-29-12, 11:31pm
Thank you. The loved one wants to give, in fact I think feels compelled to give. They'd be a poor witness with the authorities as they feel it is their choice.
It may not matter. If they are cognitively impaired, there are social services dealing with exactly this sort of thing (at least there are in my community).
I will check this out. I appreciate the support and advice you are giving.
My loved one (MLO) is now scheduled for cognitive tests so it may be awhile but we will find out if there is cognitive impairment.
I phoned the social worker who works for the organization that supports MLO's primary disability, for example if MLO had Multiple Sclerosis I called the MS society. The social worker told me that as long as MLO wasn't spending their rent money they should be able to do whatever they wished with their money. This was after I told her how much money I thought the exploiter had received. In fact, she told me that if the person responsible for helping with the finances of MLO tried to keep MLO from giving the money to the exploiter that person could be guilty of financial abuse for exerting control over MLO's free will.
yep, the person in question has to be pretty far into cognitive distress before laws are broken and someone can keep him from spending his own money.
Is he (or she) giving away money that truly hurts (like the rent?)
We went through this with my mother when she had Alzheimer's disease and many door to door salesmen stopped by to sell her something. The best we could do was to keep an eye on her account activity. We made a deal with her investment guy that he'd notify us if withdrawals got into the 10,000 mark. In the end, it's their money and they can spend it foolishly if they wish, as can we all.
jennipurrr
3-1-12, 11:09am
If MLO is disabled and/or cognitively impaired, you may be able to work with Easter Seals to have them control his/her finances. Of course, MLO would have to voluntarily be on board unless you were his/her guardian or payee for SSI. They charge a very small fee ($25/mo) and will pay all required bills I believe. Then they give the person a certain amount of money per month and work with them in any other spending. I am not sure if there is an low income requirement or what is involved. Sorry, I also don't remember the official name for the service.
When I was working with the severely mentally ill this was a wonderful service! It helped people greatly who had been taken advantage of by relatives and "friends" and also made sure the essential bills got paid every month. Also, likely doesn't apply in this case, but if someone fell off the wagon it was very difficult to blow through the rest of the month's money on substance.
Perhaps I'm feeling a little aggro this morning, but is it possible to inform the exploiter (even anonymously) that an investigation is underway? Sometimes that alone can change the likelihood that they'll continue to pester (at least it weeds out the real cowards) There is a special circle in hell for people who take advantage of the mentally impaired......
It is wonderful to see your responses. Like me, you all are trying to find a way to prevent the exploitation and protect MLO. I thank you for your concern and humanity. At this point I would like to know how to come to terms myself with what is happening. I do not want the exploiter's behaviour to affect my relationship with MLO.
MLO has voluntarily appointed someone who pays their bills and gives them spending money. They get over $20 a day to eat out, pay for haircuts, cigarettes, miscellaneous purchases. Meals are provided where they live but everyone likes a few extra groceries, or wants to go to the movies, shopping, snacks etc. The spending money does not include medical or transportation expenses, those are covered separately. Over a month this could be a fair bit of money available and if MLO does without buying themselves anything because they feel the exploiter's need is greater ....
*Iris - no they are not spending the rent money. How did you keep calm and come to terms with your mother's situation? Was she being targetted by an individual?
*jennipurr - They do have someone to help paying the bills and give spending money. The largest portion of exploitation was made prior to having this help. The exploitation continues to erode MLO's spending money and I believe the exploiter is looking for ways to stimulate MLO to send more money. In my worst nightmare this would cause MLO to end the voluntary financial help and once again take the reins.
*puglogic - I love your idea. Sadly I believe the exploiter would give feedback to MLO which could further stimulate the end of the voluntary help. I agree totally about people who take advantage of the infirm and impaired..... However, I wonder if my own attitude is also taking advantage of MLO by trying to restrict what they really want to do.
In this world every day gives us a judgement call on how to treat others. A different point of view can make a change in how you would react to any given situation. I thank you all for your points of view and appreciate the sincere, anonymous forum we have here to seek fresh opinions.
You would have to think it through and what the ramifications would be..... but I might be inclined to drop a hint to said exploiter that you have some ideas about what is going on.
If you cross paths with said exploiter....
"MLO told me of your pet's poor health, how are you coping? I am very good at researching things and connecting people with assistance agencies, would you like for me to try to connect you with a pet support group? As a matter of fact, I'm working to learn more about senior support services right now and you'd be surprised all the helpful facts I've learned about what constitutes elder abuse."
I do have brass cajones, but maybe not that brazen. But some little jab to scare them off might be in order.
I think the advice, of all points of view in this case, are good and reasonable since we really do not know the extent of the manipulation of the elderly person.
But I am bemused to think that the exploiter is 1) of criminal mind 2) aware of the potential crime some here think is happening. It's more likely that exploiter dude just wants some money and sees elderly person as having the money and if ya don't ask, ya don't get.
This kind of thinking, your money my money, is a middle class construct anyway. Grandmas in the ghetto are regularly hit up for their SS money and I doubt that anyone in those multi-generation households think it borders on criminal. Whoever has the money there spreads it around.
My mother gave money to what my brother and I think were ridiculous do gooder organizations. And while I suspect that the administrative overhead for these SPECIFIC organizations ate up most of the donations, in the general sense they were good ideas because the organizations represented her values. They are not the values of my brother and me.
I am saying this so that, perhaps, the OP factors his/her own prejudice into this situation.
*Iris - no they are not spending the rent money. How did you keep calm and come to terms with your mother's situation? Was she being targetted by an individual?...
I just read this post so will respond to this specific question:
ha my mom was targeted by EVERYONE, she didn't need no steekin' single stalker! ha ha. She felt that she needed to send money to whoever mailed her a plea, and she felt that she needed to buy whatever gadget the salesmen who came to her door were selling. But no, she had no persuasive real life repeat exploiter. I was calm about it because I didn't have to live in the same town with her, praise the lord! It was a huge relief that I didn't have to "take care " of her, that she lived independently, that was well worth seeing some foolish behavior. Sure, I could have set myself up to control everything she did but that meant that I had to control everything she did.ugggh, that's not for me.
How I dealt with it was accepting the that she would "waste" some money in ways I don't approve of, and yes, she was throwing more of this money around than she would have done were her mind totally normal. But the trade off was that I didn't have to micro-manage her life. I don't want that burden.
I set up a boundary that could not be crossed, and that amount was $10,000. That's why my brother and I had an alert placed on her account so that we would know if she tried to access that amount. We had the legal standing to do that with her financial accounts. Anything up to $10,000 was fair game. I swallowed hard and accepted that as the cut off amount.
In your post from this afternoon you describe the perfect set up for the moment. Your MLO has all of his/her needs cared for and has a little spending money to boot. Don't sweat the small stuff and $20 a day is small stuff (although, granted, it's really a crapload of money for someone who doesn't go places and do things much, which makes me suspect that the real problem is that MLO has got quite a bit of net worth.) As I think about it, I wish that *I* had $20 a day spending money!
But your concern for MLO's overall assets is important. It's impossible to know from your description of you are a blood relative who has standing in directly managing the MLO's monetary affairs, but those who do need to take action toward securing the larger part of MLO's worth.
Oh,now I remember, this was weird: my cousin wrote to my mother asking for financial help in treating her(cousin's) cancer and my mother thought that was an outrageous request! She denied it! But yet she sent money to some Indian reservation out West to sponsor a child or build schools or some such thing. Sure, my cousin was kind of a princess who had always lived an alternative lifestyle but she was not criminal or even exploitive. My mom just didn't LIKE her. (note: cousin recovered just fine.) So my mother COULD say no when she felt like it.
thinkgreen
3-1-12, 11:58pm
Thank you for your comments.
*mtnlaurel - I'm uncertain that would work since MLO typically volunteers. The exploiter certainly knows that I don't like the situation.
*Iris lily - I hear what you are saying. Maybe it bothers me because I'd like $20 a day spending money too. In fact so would most of the people MLO knows. However, those people do not target MLO. I will have a talk with myself about the "small stuff".
I also do have a prejudice. Many years ago a great uncle was exploited. The great uncle could no longer live alone so he roomed and boarded with a family recommended by his physician. The Exploiter (E) was an acquaintance of that family and targetted him with a similar pattern. Since his house was empty he allowed E to live there rent free. In his final days he signed the property over to E for a dollar. It took his heirs several years to get the property back and many items the family cared about were lost. I think that experience has made me aware of how vulnerable people can be when they are not robust. The outcome of the story was the rightful heirs got the property but it was in very poor condition and anything of value was missing. E was simply evicted with no penalty except another blot on their reputation. The lawyer who transferred the property was found to be at fault, was fined and given a time out.
I acknowlege that many seniors I know are easy sells for vacuums, charities, telephone or mail solicitations. I acknoweldge that I don't want to micro manage things. I don't know anyone who does want to micro manage. I acknowledge that I don't think the exploiter is doing anything illegal. So I would like to be able to let this go and not let it bother me.
Thinkgreen, when threads like this are posted, the thoughtful input from members and the responses from the OP help me and I believe, many others learn ways of seeing and understanding life's challenging situations. Thanks for posting the OP.
thinkgreen, sending good thoughts to you and your LO. I have a sibling who lives in a managed care facility (for the mentally impaired) and we have had to deal with similar matters, so I know how hard it can be to find just the right balance of action and letting go.
p.s. I love your screen name
Well, it doesn't sound like there's a thing you can really do about it. So acceptance is the only option.
I just can't let go of the idea of giving the exploiter the "I'm watching you Fokker" treatment though that would give them the heebie jeebies enough to back off.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dIiV4AKzOM
I guess your question was how to stand by and watch it happen.
If it were me and MLO wasn't compromising her future care on the exploiter.
I would just have to remind myself that the $20 a day is HER 'walking around money' to spend anyway she sees fit and right now she's choosing to blow it on the exploiter. End of story.
I guess in some way it's better than slot machines.
What a blessing that MLO has allowed a reasonable person to handle her finances - I hope all of that is backed up with the needed legalities.
I guess that would be my utmost goal to insure that arrangement stayed put.
Many years ago we had an elderly neighbor who was frail. There was one man who came to visit him regularly. That's the only visitor he had besides Meals on Wheels. That elderly gent died (actually, DH found him dead on the floor) and the elderly person had left his modest house and estate to the man who came to visit him.
The elderly man's family was outraged and aghast.
Guess who I would have testified for in court to get the estate? Not the family. In years I never saw them, never heard of them, and never talked to them about the care and condition of the elderly man.
Family doesn't automatically get stuff.
I was horrified when, in our own family, there was a movement to challenge an elderly great aunt's will when she left everything to the farmer neighbor instead of to her family. Fortunate, that went nowhere because the majority of my extended family are very reasonable, practical people who knew that hell, she didn't like us, we seldom saw her, what right do WE have to her money? They tamped down that sentiment of the grasping money-grabbers.
But the OP's story of the elderly uncle is certainly different and I understand watching the MLO for exploitation.
Once again, thank you so much for your support, opinions and ideas. Love the watching you Fokker!
Posting this here has made me realize that great uncle's experience has made this a "hot button" issue for me. I am thankful for so much in this situation. I am doing my best to watch it happen and concentrate on MLO's well being.
In great uncle's case there was ample evidence to show his intent until the very end was to leave everything to his heirs. There was evidence that E had made all the arrangements to visit the lawyer and was present throughout the lawyer visits. E had a reputation for crossing the line morally and even E's family believed E had exploited.
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