for the single parents

[Zoe Girl]

So I have been single for 8 years, and around here most of the time. I was really fine by myself for most of that, a few dates, a 3 month relationship and then my last one. A great, amazing year! Really, and then 6 months of death throes. There were mistakes and hurt and past damage. Hey I can go literally hours without thinking about him now, working up to days.

I have found that it really made me evaluate what is important and what isn't for me, and it was different than I originally thought. Now I just find that I really want a longterm relationship. My kids are teens and young adults and I sit home most every weekend. yeah a lot of us are introverts but there is a limit! I looked into a meetup group of single parents and am going to sign up.

So how much of an adult life have single parents had since being single? Not just dating but seeing friends or simply talking to a grownup outside of work and the grocery store clerk.

[Lainey]

A few things I found:
There was a recent study that showed single adults living alone are *more* likely to put themselves out there socially than are marrieds who tend to stay at home with their spouse, and I found that to be true;
It's much easier to date seriously when the kids are old enough to watch themselves, so given the ages of your children it sounds like you can focus on yourself;
Meetup groups are fantastic, especially when you pick something you'd be doing otherwise - sporting events, day trips, dinners out, etc. Just realize that over age 40, there will be many more single women than single men;
Remember that potential partners are going to check you out on google, (as you will also be doing), so make sure there's nothing online that's too revealing, especially important for single female's security;
If you're really looking for a serious long-term relationship, then don't date someone longer than 6 mos - 1 year if they are not willing to move it to the committed status.

[Charity]

I've been single for a long time. What I've learned is that I don't need to have a man in my life to have good adult conversation and fun. In fact, when I was in a relationship for four years, I ended up mostly socializing with his friends. When our relationship ended, those friendships ended too.

Since then I've made better friends and I've discovered that I like having good friends as much if not more than having an intimate relationship. Interestingly almost all of these friends are married but I never ever feel like a third wheel. We all meet every Friday at around 5pm at a local supper club for drinks, sometimes followed by dinner. It really is like Cheers. Everybody knows our names and the bartender pours what we drink as soon as he sees us coming through the door. We periodically do something called Brunch Bunch, were we all bring a dish to someone's house on a Sunday afternoon. One couple loves my home canned French Onion Jam and they'll have be over on a Saturday and I'll trade them onion jam for their homemade Kimchi. We'll sit around and talk for a few hours and we have a blast. Once they got onion jam from France from a friend of theirs who lives there and they had me over for an onion jam throw down. It involved cheeses, cured meats and duck liver pate. My jam won!

I think the secret to how close we've all gotten as friends hinges around our Friday happy hour. It's not the drinks. It the fact that we make an effort to see each other every week unless the weather is drastically bad. So we know about each others lives and we can count on each other whenever something is needed. And these are friendships born of common interests and values. In our case, we all enjoy adventurous foods and we all love to cook and entertain. I can see now that when I've been in relationships, my friendships suffered, because my free time was spent keeping my relationship afloat. I can honestly say that I'm far less lonely today than I often was even when I had a boyfriend. It's become crystal clear to me over the years that being single has little to do with being lonely.

My advice is that you should seek out involvement with a group that does something you enjoy doing. While single parent groups have value, my experience has been that those type of groups often devolve into gripe fests. By their very nature, people join because they're unhappy and looking for a way to solve a problem. Hobby or activity type groups are formed around something more positive, so they're more relaxed, fun and you're meeting people you have a lot in common with.

[Spartana]

I'm single (divorced a few years now) but not a parent. I find that joining things like Meet up groups www.meetup.com are a great way to meet like minded people - and look beyond the single parents groups to things you are interested in. Lots of different activities and social events with all sort of people - many involving kids and family activities as well as people who are single and coupled up. Another place to meet people is thru community recreation classes. Most have every activity under the sun from sports, exercise, dancing, martial arts, and recreational activities to cooking, art, wine and dine, and computer classes. They usually are fairly inexpensive and it's a nice way to spend a few hours a week with other adults with similair interests. Same thing with place like the Sierra Club - huge amount of hiking and outdoor related activities that you can join at little or no cost. I've met tons of guys thru those kind of activities - especially the sports/recreation ones - so they are out there if you are looking! I personally love being single and will never marry again (although I wouldn't mind sharing my life with a guy who was similair to me with a similair lifestyle) so am not really looking for a relationship, but still enjoy being with people - men and women - doing fun enjoyable things together. But I agree with Lainey - if you really want a serious long term relationship then make that known fairly quickly and don't spend alot of time with someone who isn't looking for that. I tell guys I meet right at the beginning that I will be leaving soon to travel and am not looking to get married or have a long term relationship any time in the near future. That way they know upfront and I don't feel like I am being dishonest or leading them on.

[JaneV2.0]

Talking only off the top of my head and from listening to co-workers' tales of Parents Without Partners (lots of naked desperation and endless rehashing of failed relationships), I agree with previous posters. Take part in activities that interest you and consider that you can enjoy your life and adult companionship whether or not you ever hook up with Mr. Marriageable.