View Full Version : Article: American parenting
http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/whats-so-bad-about-american-parents-anyway/2012/02/27/gIQAa1vFnR_print.html
Talks about the recent books about parenting in other cultures and draws conclusions that are likely to appeal to the simple living crowd.
Excerpt:
“What we need to be parenting for,” Carter said, “is not achievement first, then happiness — but happiness first.”
To do that, she advises parents, when they can, to lose the self-sacrifice and take care of themselves; expect effort and enjoyment, not perfection; savor the present moment; and do simple things together such as have a family dinner...
Indeed, Carter said, studies are finding that achievement does not necessarily lead to happiness, but that happiness is what fosters achievement.
To do that, she advises parents, when they can, to lose the self-sacrifice and take care of themselves; expect effort and enjoyment, not perfection; savor the present moment; and do simple things together such as have a family dinner...
Ahh, If I had only read that 26 years ago :(
Somehow, somewhere in the last 30 years many basics got lost in parenting. I was the best example of this. Alas (or Thankgoodness) I will not have the chance to redo parenting, such is life.
Holy smoke! I saw a review of the book and thought it was crazy to even write it. Who needs such nonsense? What happened to simply teaching children good social and ethical values, reading to them daily from good literature, keeping them clean and well fed and loving them?
If this article does indeed represent the modern parenting style, the world truly has gone mad.
parenting is a diverse madness, yes.
our biggest problem is helicopter parents -- even of littles -- and overstimulated children (too many toys!).
but, there are lots of natural parents too, and we are rather hands-off (we believe in free ranging him within reasonable limits based on his age).
we like to keep it simple.
Rosemary, I think the clips you selected from the article reflect how I feel about parenting as well. I love reading what other people on the board do with their kids because there are a lot of sensible people here.
I think parenting is a blast. My kids make me laugh my butt off pretty much everyday. We have a lot of fun together. I will admit that I probably go a little overboard sometimes doing big, fun things with them, but that's just kind of Zach's and my personalities. It's as much for our own sake as for theirs.
I think one thing that isn't mentioned about parents who are stressed out and harried is that there isn't as much support for a lot of parents as they maybe need. Community makes a big difference in your child rearing experience. I have a big support network, which I think contributes to my happiness in parenting. My dad lives with us, so Zach and I go out for a coffee date probably twice a week after the kids have gone to bed. If we want to do something fun together or we have a project to work on, we can almost always find a babysitter. My older kids are always playing outside or at other friend's houses and their friends are often over here. Families in my neighborhood trade help all the time for various things. I have a friend in the neighborhood will watch the kids if I have a doctor's appointment or really need a nap and I will sometimes give her a ride or let her use my car because they are a one car family. There are a few grandmas and teenagers in my neighborhood who like to stop by and take babies for walks.
I would rather see a return to community than the kind of state-supported creche solution talked about in the article. There's something about real, organic community that can't be replicated institutionally, but I'm probably preaching to the choir on that one.
Rosemary, I think the clips you selected from the article reflect how I feel about parenting as well. I love reading what other people on the board do with their kids because there are a lot of sensible people here.
I think parenting is a blast. My kids make me laugh my butt off pretty much everyday. We have a lot of fun together. I will admit that I probably go a little overboard sometimes doing big, fun things with them, but that's just kind of Zach's and my personalities. It's as much for our own sake as for theirs.
I think one thing that isn't mentioned about parents who are stressed out and harried is that there isn't as much support for a lot of parents as they maybe need. Community makes a big difference in your child rearing experience. I have a big support network, which I think contributes to my happiness in parenting. My dad lives with us, so Zach and I go out for a coffee date probably twice a week after the kids have gone to bed. If we want to do something fun together or we have a project to work on, we can almost always find a babysitter. My older kids are always playing outside or at other friend's houses and their friends are often over here. Families in my neighborhood trade help all the time for various things. I have a friend in the neighborhood will watch the kids if I have a doctor's appointment or really need a nap and I will sometimes give her a ride or let her use my car because they are a one car family. There are a few grandmas and teenagers in my neighborhood who like to stop by and take babies for walks.
I would rather see a return to community than the kind of state-supported creche solution talked about in the article. There's something about real, organic community that can't be replicated institutionally, but I'm probably preaching to the choir on that one.
You're lucky to have such a system. It's something I think about sometimes - coming from the other side, being a childless responsible adult. DH and I chose not to have our own kids, but that doesn't mean I don't feel I have experience and skills I could offer a child. It just seems really hard to get into an auntie role, unless you have really close family members. Seems like there's a divide amongst the people I know - either you have kids, or you don't. If you have kids you might trade services with other people who have kids. If you don't have kids, then you never have a role in a child's life at all.
Though, just because you have kids doesn't mean you necessarily associate with others who do. So many families seem so insular. I guess it's part of living in the suburbs of a big city. Kids don't play outside here. When I lived more in the inner city, there was a little girl who was friends with my dog, as she didn't really have friends on the street and wasn't that well supervised. So we'd visit a bit and play cards and things. If I was a man, then that'd be totally frowned upon, which is really sad, that adult men aren't allowed any interaction with kids unless they have their own. As it was, it still seemed a bit uncomfortable in modern society, as I didn't really know her mom. I knew I was perfectly safe, but how would anyone else know that?
I know I could volunteer or something, but being so introverted makes it challenging, and also not being able to make firm ongoing commitments. There isn't really a way to be more casually involved. We're really missing out on the village mentality by living the way we do. Even in my generation it seemed so different growing up, and I'm only 35. It would probably help to move to a smaller town or the inner city, but of course that has it's own complications.
Sorry, kind of rambly. Just some thoughts from a non-parent.
I think that if you know people with kids, you can step up and offer.
One of the things that I realized just this week is how grateful I am for certain people in our lives. Our friend's mother just moved here from the UK. She's in my parents generation, and she's a really lovely person. We've all sort-of adopted each other, and once a week she takes DS for an hour. She's an artist, so they do art together, and she's also very spiritual, and so they talk abut those things as well. I'm open to people talking to DS about their own spirituality.
Instead of 'art lessons' that we pay for, once a week he has an hour of art time with our friend.
We have a young couple who helps out around the studio who are gardeners, who know a lot about the web, who have a young son (baby), and exchange all this stuff for yoga classes. it's great. The young father also teaches guitar and ukulele, and so he's currently training yoga for ukulele lessons (for me and DS). It's great for all of us.
we have several friends with whom we trade child care, and where DS has play dates.
connecting with these communities -- which took a long while to get sorted (two years) has been incredibly valuable for us. There are all kinds of resources all around us that we can utilize, if only we seek them out a bit.
And, we go with how we feel, but we find that a lot of couples without children are great for our son -- because they expose him to things that he wouldn't normally do.
one young couple -- still childless -- are church founders (and now going back to the US to get divinity degrees), and they spend a lot of time playing with DS, and with his recent interest in Jesus, he spends a lot of time questioning them about who Jesus is and what jesus means.
We have connections, too, with some of the elder ladies in our village -- and i'm striving to make more and more. The oldest yoga teacher in NZ lives in our neighborhood, and I'd love to get to know her! :D (she's 87 and has been teaching for 35 years, and she's been practicing since 1955!
The main thing is speak up, offer, and try to make a firm and consistent commitment. By having a lesson (art) every wednesday, or a music lesson every friday, it's easier for us to make arrangements for ourselves, to feel supported, and to get things done.
Having a support network would have made a tremendous difference in my life when DD was an infant and toddler. Those were the most difficult years of my entire life. I had left my job - which was where most of my friends were, and where they remained - and started a new, definitely rewarding, but very difficult time with a baby who cried around the clock and rarely slept. I am so thankful that DH and I came through that with an intact relationship. It is very difficult to get out and meet peers when your life has suddenly changed and nothing is as it was. My family was 1500 miles away.
My family is now even farther away. My support network is a number of wonderful friends, most of whom also live distant from their families. We help each other frequently, but it is not nearly the same as having supportive relatives nearby. We also have a great support network at our church, with a larger variation in the age of the members than among our everyday friends, who tend to be people in our same situation (30s/40s with kids). I really enjoy seeing the older members of our congregation interacting with DD.
And as my parents are aging I wish they were closer so we could support them, as well. The other side of the coin.
So yes, I would like to see a return to community as well. While I don't regret moving far away when I finished college - I absolutely needed to - there have been more repercussions than I could have possibly anticipated at the time. We live in a very different way compared to the way my parents did when I was a child, and I hope that the experiences we are providing DD will give her more information with which to make similar choices when she is of age.
We live in a highly competitive school district, and this article, with its reminder to focus on happiness first, is a good reminder of what I have myself concluded but what sometimes, in the day-to-day routines and rush and tests and homework and activities, escapes my memory. There are all kinds of successes, and what really matters, and what keeps adults going, is happiness in their lives, both at work and at home.
I very much agree that happiness is more important to success than success is to happiness. There is a big mental shift when you think that way as opposed to the other. People do get really caught up in the idea that their kids need to get into an Ivy League school or get a high paying job to be happy. I felt that pressure as a kid too. I actually think many of my worst mistakes came from trying to fit into that expectation.
Kestra I can understand that there can be a divide between those with kids and those without. I don't think it's intentional, but I can see that it does sometimes exist. If you can find a way to share what you have to offer you can make such a difference. As a kid and teen I had several adult friends without kids who really made a big difference in my life. Looking back, since some of the adult male friends I had were friends I made in my teens, I am surprised that no one thought anything of it, but I'm glad they didn't. One friend in particular who owned a small coffee shop, restaurant and catering business taught me a ton about business, accounting, organization, management of resources and cooking. It was a real learning experience and I think he just enjoyed sharing his knowledge with someone who found it valuable. I was friends with his wife too, so maybe that made it seem more appropriate.
I very much agree that happiness is more important to success than success is to happiness. There is a big mental shift when you think that way as opposed to the other. ...
Our Founding Fathers were wise to enshrine happiness into the framework of our republic. We could all use more of it.
I wasn't going to get involved with this thread on account of it's tilt on "American Parenting", rather than parenting as a whole, however...
Article quote: American mothers who work outside the home — and that’s three-fourths of all moms, many of whom work full-time — spend more time with their children today than stay-at-home mothers did in the 1960s.Rubbish! My mom, the consummate example of a 1960's mother, spent oodles of time with us kids, and I tend to believe the bulk of 1960's era mothers mirrored the same. How an article can so cavalierly flog an era of mothers who's main goal was to be at home 24/7 with their children, is insulting enough, but to have the writer go on to further state that today's mothers go without sleep, hygiene, housekeeping/cleaning, and personal leisure, to spend time with their kids, conceptualizes assine on an entirely whole new level.
I have yet to come across a mother who works 8 hours a day (the bulk and best hours of the day), only to arrive home to hang her hat and initiate play and spend the remainder of her day with her children. Instead, what I see is, once home, supper needs prepared, laundry needs doing, tidying needs done, maybe a shower or bath for herself before bed, then into bed by 9- o'clock so she can be prepared for another day's work in the morning, then come the weekend, she runs frantically and wildly to get everything done that she didn't have time to do all week (because of work), yet somehow... through some magical process, the working mom finds more time to spend with her kids?
Tell you what, where we reside, I'm not seeing it. Articles like this make me see red.
Well, I think it is easy enough to use statistical data in so far as it can be gathered. My mother's mother worked in the 60s, and I assume she spent as much time as she could with her kids.
And most the working moms I know (myself included) do initiate play with our children, spend time with them, and do forgo our own activities and interests so that we can spend more time with them.
I dont' necessarily see it as 'flogging' a particular group or era of women, so much as saying that women -- in general -- may not be doing a bad job (or as bad as people tell them they are if they are working mothers) after all.
I was a small child in the 60's and NONE of the women in the neighborhood played with their kids to any discernable level. Us kids were all "free range" in the summer, maybe coming home for lunch once in a while, but gone for the day until dinner, and then outside after dinner until it got dark. The moms sometimes got together for coffee with other neighbors, but I never observed moms hanging out outside watching the kids, or otherwise engaging them.
The "mommy wars" are amusing from a safe distance--like mine.
I grew up in a time and socioeconomic climate in which very few women worked outside the home. Still, their offspring seem to have issues and complaints about their upbringing just like kids whose mothers did. In the end, I'm convinced what matters most is the relationship between family members, and the strength and integrity of the family unit.
I was a small child in the 60's and NONE of the women in the neighborhood played with their kids to any discernable level. Us kids were all "free range" in the summer, maybe coming home for lunch once in a while, but gone for the day until dinner, and then outside after dinner until it got dark. The moms sometimes got together for coffee with other neighbors, but I never observed moms hanging out outside watching the kids, or otherwise engaging them.
+1 - my experience too. Kids played with their siblings or neighborhood kids. I never saw my own mother, or any one else's mother, spend any length of time playing with kids. I'm amazed at moms today who spend hours playing Candyland, or card games or legos or video games or other stuff. Nothing wrong with it if the parents are really into it anyway, but I expected my mom to be a parent, not a friend to play with.
In the end, I'm convinced what matters most is the relationship between family members, and the strength and integrity of the family unit.
Jane I would definitely agree with that.
I was a kid in the 1980s. I was pretty free range, although my parents did a lot of cooking and crafts with us and took us on a lot of interesting outings. They didn't play with us much until we were older. Then they played cards with us quite a bit. That's one of those multi-generational things in my family on both sides, playing cards together. I'd say we're about the same as my parents.
My kids don't really ask me to play with them. I don't think about it much, but I guess they are never really hard-up for someone to play with between their siblings and the neighbor kids. I'm not nearly as appealing an option. :) That's one of the bonuses of having a bigger family. I'm not saying one way is better than the other, just that each situation has its good and bad points. They are more likely to ask me to teach them stuff than play with them.
DS asks us to play with him -- and we each do for a small amount of time. It's important that he plays independently or with children his own age (and he's quite good at this) for us (and the research supports it as well). So, we spend about an hour each of us playing with him in some capacity (out of doors, on the beach, in the sandbox, playing blocks) but even more important is him engaging in our activities such as helping me clean the house, cooking, and gardening.
Most days I have far less time than DH. an hour in the AM getting ready for kindy, riding the bus, and walking to the school. 30 minutes having lunch together at the office before the boys head off into their stuff. That's Mon/Tues. On Wed, I drive him to my friend's place for child care -- we have about 2 hrs together that morning, so we do some playing or reading in addition to getting ready. On thursday and friday,I have the normal 2 hrs and 45 minutes of focus on him (which includes cleaning) -- but we're together from 7:00 am until 12 pm and then again for a bit in the evening (though friday afternoon is all family time -- we have been going to the beach and throwing rocks into targets made of sand and seaweed lately). Which means 2.25 hours of my morning time is spent not actively engaging him (on Thurs/Fri).
DH spends probably 3 hrs or so with DS in active engaging activities -- the additional 15 minutes is usually just more reading. LOL DH loves to read with DS anyway. But, DH is with DS from about 12 until 7 pm. So, still less than half of his time is spent focused on DS.
On weekends, we do lots of family activities. DS spends most of the mornings playing on his own -- playing while we skype as well -- and then we spend the afternoons running errands or doing a fun activity like going on a hike, going to the beach, or going to the park. Sometimes we go for a drive. DS is not keen on the driving so much. Nice, but not as much fun as being out running around. So, we do a fair bit of running around outside.
DS and I and DH and DS spend more time together than DH and I have alone together -- even when we are both at work and DS is at kindy. DS usually goes to bed by 7:30, and we at 9:30 -- so we spend 2 hrs together in evenings. It's far less time than each of us spends with DS, by a lot.
Perhaps that is problematic? :D
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