Worst trip ever

[domestic goddess]

Sorry for complaining,but I need to get this off my mind. I am at my mom's house, heading back home tonight, and I can't wait! I've never felt this way at the end of a visit, but this sure has been different. My mom has been very difficult to deal with this whole time. I know that people who don't feel well are often irritable, and I'm used to that. But she has been really vicious this time, and I've borne the brunt of that. I think it is really time for her to go to a nursing home, but my brother will fight that to the death, because then he will lose his free housing, food, utilities, Internet, etc. He won't be able to make it on his own, and I'm pretty sure his daughter doesn't want him living with her, so I don't know what would happen to him.
I know a lot of people here have had trouble getting along with their mothers, so this may seem like small potatoes, but it is a problem I have never had. My mom has trouble breathing, getting around, getting dressed, etc. and she needs to be someplace where people can help her 24/7. But she says she isn't ready to go, and she will make that decision, thank you very much. I am seriously thinking about not coming back, but I know that I will. I think I am a glutton for punishment.
Well, thanks for letting me rant. I don't really feel better, but I hope that now that I've said it, I can let it go. Thank you for that.

[flowerseverywhere]

My heart goes out to you. If it gets to the point that you feel it is unsafe for her or she is not getting the care she needs then you should call social services. Most old people understandably don't want to leave their homes.

All I can say is do your best.

[mtnlaurel]

(((((domestic goddess)))))) hugs to you.

Please be sure to take good care of yourself the best you can. Helping a loved one get to glory can be a long hard road.

[loosechickens]

No matter how common this kind of problem is, it doesn't make it any easier when it's YOUR mom who is clinging to an old way of living, although circumstances show that changes need to be made. And the person who tries to initiate the talk of change is the one turned on by Mom.......cyberhugs coming your way, for sure.

About all you can do, given that she is still competent (at a level that the LAW considers competent, regardless of reality, often) to make her own decisions, about all you can do is try to monitor the situation the best you can and if it slips over into a really bad situation, notify elder services in her area, and try to have her living situation evaluated. But, I warn you....things have to get really, really bad before they step in, because people DO have the right to live their own lives, even if it seems clear that quality of life and conditions of life have deteriorated beyond reason.

But, it's hard, I know.....especially when you feel you have her best interests at heart, and your brother surely is looking out for himself and his living situation, regardless of what might be best for your mom. SO common......

[sweetana3]

I feel for you. We are in a similiar situation although his mom, 80 years old, is not a bad person just one who is making bad decisions. She does not want to "burden" her only son. She calls with her problems occasionally but there is not much we can do from 12 hours away.

She is coming for a trip here (hooray) and hopefully she will see how nice it is and how many of her problems will be resolved if she moved here. We found several senior communities with regular daily bus service and full utilities so she wont have to drive or figure out how much her untilities will be. They even have wonderful social programs.

My dad, 88 years old, got remarried to a 45 year old so she can take care of him, long story. No need to travel across the country anymore unless she calls.

[Tammy]

Your brother needs to be her caregivers since he gets free housing. And you get to not have to do that.

[Florence]

Your mom is probably very frightened and is lashing out in fear. Is your brother capable of being her caretaker? Is it possible to have a visiting nurse or home helper come in to check on her? Is Meals on Wheels available for her? This is such a difficult situation, my heart goes out to you.

[redfox]

Oh honey. This is really hard...
May I suggest you get yourself to an area senior services, and talk with them? They deal with this frequently. You may get good ideas; you'll for sure get support.
Hugs.

[kally]

oh what a bummer for you. Can you not have your mom assessed by a third party who can make this call?

[iris lily]

...My dad, 88 years old, got remarried to a 45 year old ...

{{{{{{sounds of applause}}}}}}} Way to g, DAD!

[iris lily]

It's hard to keep an "eye" on your mother when you are far away. But it's like loosechickens says, your mother has to be pretty far down before the law considers her unable to make decisions for herself.

[merince]

You still might want to consider contacting elderly services in the area your mom lives as they can point you to resources she may be eligible for such as meals on wheels and at-home nurse visits. Additionally, if you really believe she will be better off in a nursing home, chances are "they" aka elder services will make the same conclusion and "they" will be the bad guys. In this way you will be able to reach your desired outcome (mom in a better environment) with reduced family friction.

[redfox]

Elder care social workers are very adept at working with scared elders who do not want to leave their homes. They really make an effort to work through the concerns so that no one is the bad guy. They are also good at uncovering myriad solutions, and can assess the needs of an elder, helping him or her to make sound decisions.

The right consultant is a good thing!

[crunchycon]

Your brother needs to be her caregivers since he gets free housing. And you get to not have to do that.

Can't agree more! Give your brother some of the excellent options suggested on this thread and have him go look into them. I don't need to know the whole story between you and your mom, but it doesn't sound as if you need to bear the brunt of this situation.

[domestic goddess]

Thank you all so much. It felt so good to unburden myself here, since I couldn't say much at home.
Things are not as grim as they seemed, I think. I found an agency that offers homemaking help, bathing and dressing assistance as well as transportation, and got her to consider an electric lift chair. Mentally, she is still pretty sharp, so that is not really a problem. She is a little forgetful, but I think a lot of that is because she actually can't hear much of what is said to her. We already have Meals on Wheels (on the waiting list for over a year). Unfortunately, they are in an area that doesn't have a lot to offer, but I think what we have for the present will work. She can have the agency in as little or as often as she wants, but they don't bill to medicare. I think she can afford it if she has to pay herself, and I told my brother to check and see if any of her other insurance might kick in, even a little. Had a hard time getting her to understand about the electric lift chair, but the salesman did an excellent job of explaining to her what it could do for her. My db called back this morning and ordered it, and it will be delivered on Mon. Mobility is the big issue, because my mom often gets dizzy, and very shaky. Drs. can't really explain that, and she gets frustrated and is up and down constantly, tending to the cats (we kids never got that kind of care!), washing dishes, and doing whatever else pops into her head. We got her to quit trying to go downstairs to the basement (db does the laundry), and to quit trying to do a few other things, so I hope that between that and the help we can get that we will be okay for a while. She can't keep up with the housework because of her COPD and arthritis, so I did some cleaning (think I would need about a month to do it all), took her to do some shopping and to look at the lift chairs. Now we need a small lift that will take her up the one step from the driveway to the porch. She was treated for macular degeneration, and now she has glaucoma, so vision is an issue. I'm trying to get her to get one of those shower stalls that is level with the floor, so she won't have to step over anything to get in, but that is slow going. I think her idea of the cost of it is a bit high, but she won't listen to me, and I have had trouble getting them to call me back. Still, I think we are on the right track.
My db hasn't been a real lot of help, but he has just been diagnosed with a chromosomal defect and, with treatment, is starting to feel better and have more energy. So I am hopeful that we are finally starting to get somewhere. It is frustrating to be so far away. It is hard to hear your mother yell at you, when that is something she ordinarily wouldn't do. I guess we both got on each other's nerves. It is good to be home, but my dd has warned me that the girls are fighting constantly. It's always something, isn't it?

[HumboldtGurl]

I'm so sorry dg. I live away from my parents and whenever I go home to see them it's a similar situation. What made me feel a little better about it is I read somewhere that as some elderly people become fearful of the aging process they often tend to lash out at their loved ones. So try not to take it personally. I know that is SO hard.

I go through this with my folks on a weekly basis during our phone calls. I almost swore I wouldn't talk to my Dad anymore because he's just so mean on the phone, but DH taught me this great response: whenever he says something ugly, all I need to do is breathe, center myself mentally and reply calmly with "Oh really? Is that so?" and leave it at that. It's calming for me and it leaves him stumped for a retort.

It's good to hear things are better today. Anytime you need to vent this is a great place.

[domestic goddess]

That's why I came here. I knew people would have consoling, yet helpful things to say, and I was having a hard time with not enough sleep and just too much coming at me at once. I was able to get hold of myself and get some things done. Not everything is perfect, but you can only do so much at a time, and things are better. My mom tends to save up a lot of stuff until I get there to deal with it. I can see that for awhile I am going to have to go a little more often.
Thanks for being here. There is not a better bunch of people anywhere!

[loosechickens]

so glad to see your latest posts domestic goddess....sounds like you've put a lot of things in motion that will give assistance to your mom.....and if you ARE able to enlist your brothers help, if necessary, pointing out that if SHE is able to continue to manage living at home, it also means that HE has a home, so it's greatly to his advantage to help you and help your mom to be able to stay in her own home.

obviously, the situation will never be as you would probably like it to be, but if you can set into place enough where you know your mom is at least able to maintain a semblance of daily life, is not endangered, and is able to keep it together reasonably, it's probably the best you can do.

and as Humboldt Gurl said, they often, when THEY begin to feel out of control of their lives, lash out at the people trying to help them, as though YOU are the enemy, so just try to let it go in one ear and out the other and know that she's not herself anymore, really, despite having most all of her marbles, and that you are doing what a good daughter does, which is to try to make sure she is cared for. You can't really do any more than that, and can't even accomplish that without some help from her, and hopefully some from your brother, if you can illustrate to him which side of the bread is buttered for him.........

[HumboldtGurl]

I think now is the time to get organized and keep a separate journal / to-do list so whenever you're with your Mom you can keep track of things you're working on, and note which ones need to be looked at later on.

I really hope your brother helps out! Your Mom is so fortunate to have you for a daughter. Brothers pften tend to be kinda worthless for these kinds of things, IMHO. I'm sure there are exceptions though and hopefully your brother is one of those gems.

[Float On]

I'm glad to hear of your update.
I think everyone has said some great things so I'll just add a (hug).
Dealing with hard of hearing/aging/in-home son with health problems/change/health issues/etc/etc/etc is a full time job and difficult to do from a distance.