View Full Version : I am broken and drowning
I am am introvert... BIg Time. And I can fake being a extrovert very very well if I have enough time to gear up and enough down time afterwards. I have always been like that, even as a child But it gettin worse as I get older
Right now DH's daughter is visting form Japan ( miltary) with her 15 month old son I might need to mention that I am not a kid person in any way shape or form unless it is very structured and has an end time ( I worked at a low income dental clinic for 2 1/2 years that catered to kids 10 and under and did very well with that)
My house is under siege .. There is no place that I have that is a child/person free zone . I have tried talking to DH about my need to have some alone time ( I toil;d him about my introvertedness before we got serious) and he tells me that he does not see what the problem is THey are going to be here for another month
My house is a cluttered mess ( if DSD can't find anything, she jsut goes out and buys more so as a result there are 10 sippy cups here) I just stepped on a toy and cut my foot I have huge, deep scratches on my hardwood floors . On the plus side I do get along with DSD and would like to talk to her about some of the things I have talked with her about why I spend alot of time in my bedroom and she understands. DH insists that I need to spend every freaking moment with them. I went through this alot when I was growing up that my step-dad told not that I need to be more social and that I am not going to "hibernate in your room" UGH I have more of my childhood issues come up now...
Stand your ground at home and escape to the library or a quiet place that works for you. You do not need to entertain the DSD all the time despite what your DH may hope that you do. You are an intelligent, capable person who is capable of knowing what is right for you. Believe in yourself and do what is right for you by setting boundaries of what time and effort you can spend on the visitors. Discuss the boundaries with the family and state that you will follow them. It is hard to do but your mental health needs you to take care of yourself first before you can care for others.
A introvert child may have felt powerless against adults but you as an adult don't need to tolerate that feeling.
Dear boss mare,
Get over yourself. Really. You are fortunate enough to have kids who love, honor and cherish you.
Now is your turn to faithfully obey them.
I would advise you get your skirt back on. Put a little red bow on the back of your head, and start working on your full-time job that the Almighty has given you out of his eternal kindness and generosity.
Remember to wear plenty of lipstick and facial makeup, and to get 'in the mood' when the need arises.
If you're still reading this... my REAL advice is to take a few nice long walks, a car trip or two, a night out (or two) with your friends, and don't let this get to your head.
Your friend
Robl... who has a longstanding appreciation for chocolate brownies.
Oooh, robl, glad you went where you went with that response, because I was about to break out the industrial-sized can of whuppass. (serious introvert also here, and I suffer from the same affliction) :)
boss mare, I understand sooo well and appreciate where you're coming from. Honestly, the advice to take lots of space for yourself is the only advice I can offer. DH gets to understand, or he gets to stick a sock in it. If you've made your peace with DSD, and the two of you are communicating about your needs in this time, then it doesn't matter one bit what DH thinks. In the future, remember this time, and think carefully about committing to a similar situation -- it took me a long time to get over the vague guilt of it, but nowadays when someone expects to be able to come to my sanctuary for more than a few days, I kindly, gently decline. I'm just not wired that way, and it sounds like you aren't either. Guess what? It doesn't make you a bad person. You are who you are - and you're pretty darned cool.
fidgiegirl
3-24-12, 7:53pm
I like the idea of going somewhere outside of the house, but by yourself. You have every right to be in your bedroom, but it sounds like finding that alone time is guilt-inducing or bringing back the old memories . . . so maybe just an evening over a book and a good drink at the coffee shop, etc. is a good ticket.
Miss Cellane
3-24-12, 8:29pm
How about a short weekend trip away all by yourself, even if it is just to a local motel? Then your husband and his daughter can have some prime father/daughter bonding time.
Really, it doesn't matter if your DH "understands" why you need time alone. The fact is, you need it. You should be able to tell him this and he should help you to get the alone time that you need. He doesn't need to understand, he needs to accept and act. You do not need to spend every minute with your step-daughter and her child. As long as you are polite when in their company--that is all that he can expect or ask. And it does sound as if you and she get along pretty well--why isn't your DH happy with that?
Stop asking for time alone. Start taking it. Announce that you are leaving the house and when you will be back and then leave. If your DH gets upset, tell him that either you were going to be upset (and you have been for days) or he was going to be upset and you thought it was time he took a turn.
I'm a huge introvert--this would be a deal breaker for me.
Oh, I can sympathize! I need downtime also. Here's my advice. I would try to manage clutter as best I can. Perhaps something like putting the excess baby things in grocery bags and place them out of sight in the guest room.
As far as the socializing goes, I would reiterate to DH that you need to be alone for a while. You do not need to spend all your time together. Take a walk or run some fake errands. Otherwise, I would probably go to bed earlier than normal and read/relax for an hour or so before bedtime, or get up earlier than normal for some quiet time (this is what I usually do in my house).
I would also encourage your family to leave the house for a while. Can they all go to a park for a while and leave you at home? I do that do my DH and DD sometimes when I need to recharge. I feel so much better and patient, even if it's just a half-hour break. The fresh air is good for toddlers too. My DD always slept better if she spent time outside.
I would let DH know that he can "spend every freaking moment with them". And that you require a certain amount of down time, alone time, private time, however it needs to be phrased so he can understand it. It sounds like your DSD understands, maybe she could explain it to him better?
There are really few things worse, outside of war and ill health, than having humans in your face and personal space 24/7.
Just reading your post gave me the heebie-jeebies. Just because your husband doesn't see what the problem is doesn't mean there isn't one. He clearly has no clue. My extroverted SO doesn't begin to understand me--and vice versa. One reason I'm unlikely to share housing with him (short of a duplex) is that he has offspring and grandchildren and great-grandchildren who like to visit and sometimes stay awhile. Good advice above.
domestic goddess
3-24-12, 9:21pm
I feel your pain. I am an introvert, and I heard the same lines from my father: "you're not going to hibernate in your room",and "you need to be more social". Considering that he was an introvert himself, I always found it puzzling. But I think he felt that live as an introvert was sometimes difficult, and I should learn to adjust. I have,to some extent.
When we have guests in our house, and I can't take being in my room anymore, I leave. Of course, I am not the homeowner, or the person the guests came to see, so I can do that. I go "shopping", sometimes at the park, or go any place where people won't talk to me. Sometimes that is in a store, but not always. The library or a coffee shop works, too. An art gallery can be refreshing, too.If you have a portable hobby, like knitting, take it with you. It will soothe your nerves, as will a nice cup of tea someplace that serves you.
A mohth is a long time. Maybe you can find some story hours at the library or some other activities where DSD and her child can go. Now that it is warmer, and afternoon at the park, with a packed snack, can keep them entertained for some time. So can a trip to the zoo, offering them the money for admission if they can't afford it.You may not get as much down time as you would like, but you may be able to get what you need to function.
Good luck to you.
loosechickens
3-24-12, 10:32pm
Oh gosh. I would just DIE, which would be preferable to having people around all the time. I agree. You DSD seems to understand and you can just be honest with her, so when you ARE with them you can enjoy some limited time. It doesn't really matter what your DH thinks you should do. Work it out with his daughter yourself then shut yourself in your bedroom or go out by yourself as needed. I am married to one of the great extroverts of the world, but he understands that my needs are different. Your DH needs to learn that. Show him this thread so he knows you are not that unusual and it does not mean you don't have good feelings toward her and her child, just need alone time.
It is totally ok to be how you need to be. It is imperative that you have *some* space.
I also suggest adding some structure to the environment. The tyke likely goes to bed at X hour, right? I suggest that your DSD, DH and your self go through and do a tidy at this time. It will help immensly, I promise. the three of you together should be able to tidy your house of child-stuff in under an hour (probably less than 30 minutes). Even if it is as simple as having several cloth grocery bags each one with a different sort of item (this one toys, that one sippy cups, this one paper/mail/whatever, this one kiddie clothes, etc) -- and then putting them in the appropriate room (ie, papers in the office; sippy cups into the kitchen cupboard, toys in the living room by the sofa, etc) -- will make a world of difference.
For our house -- we are both introverts -- we need A LOT of quiet and order. We do several tidies throughout the day, and when DS goes to bed, we do one big, final tidy for the day. Then a nice grown-up quiet time of dinner and chat, then reading and perhaps watching a TV show.
It is full on with DS who is highly social -- even though he can occupy himself nicely.
Definitely stand your ground on this one. It's ok to need space, and it's ok for you to claim back the space in the rest of the house. Don't leave everything up to mama though, she's exhausted too -- if all three of you tidy, it will be done in a jiff, and then you can have some quiet time in the living room or bedroom or dining room without having people and stuff all over.
Good luck!
wow I would spend as much money as I could and take a short trip, stay at a nice place, hang in the pool, read books and then do it again in about a week. Too bad if dh doesn't understand, he doesn't have to, but I think it is a much better idea if you get away.
Robl I don't do Marabel Morgan or her sidekick Phyliss Schafly (sp?)... To me that is more of a one way ticket to the looney bin that what I have going on here and now... Sorry if that comes off as harsh but I have no use for the Total Woman garbage However......I do admitt to having a wee bit of Botox done so I don't have this frown-y look so bad !splat!
As far as a the real advice that does not work too well I have a horse farm here and when DSD and GS come to visit DH lets his end of the work load around the place come to a screeching halt and I have to pick up the slack along with my work outside of the place
Dear boss mare,
Get over yourself. Really. You are fortunate enough to have kids who love, honor and cherish you.
Now is your turn to faithfully obey them.
I would advise you get your skirt back on. Put a little red bow on the back of your head, and start working on your full-time job that the Almighty has given you out of his eternal kindness and generosity.
Remember to wear plenty of lipstick and facial makeup, and to get 'in the mood' when the need arises.
If you're still reading this... my REAL advice is to take a few nice long walks, a car trip or two, a night out (or two) with your friends, and don't let this get to your head.
Your friend
Robl... who has a longstanding appreciation for chocolate brownies.
gimmethesimplelife
3-25-12, 7:10pm
There are really few things worse, outside of war and ill health, than having humans in your face and personal space 24/7.LOL Do I ever agree with that!!!!!
OK thanks you everyone for their advice and support
I found out and DSD and GS will be gone for 4 days visiting her in laws ... So ythat does give me light at the end of the tunnel
To get a better picture of where I am coming from .... Not only growing up was I forced to "be social" but my half sister would get into my things... Make up was the big one and all of my knick knacks ( i had my own room ) I asked him to put a lock on my door he said no "she lives here too" I asked for shelves... no " she lives here too" I finally went to an Army Surplus store asnd bought a foot locker and decorated it and put my make up and a few very sentimental items in it and locked it and put it under my bed He got mad when he found out about it but mom intervened on that one
So when DH and I were getting the house ready to baby proof it We agreed that this one area and the kitchen would be off limits and could totally be gated off with baby gates. Well that lasted about 2 days.... I came home from work to find DGS standing on top of of a glass coffee table tearing the pages out of a limited edition hard cover book that I found at an antique store in prestine condtion and banging around an wrought iron book end on the table top. We have a woodstove that was in the off limit area .... We were not using it at the time but he has learned how to open it and there was ashes smeared all over him , the dogs tracked all over and on to the white carpeting that is also in the off limit area and smeared all over the walls. I was very very agry at DH and he said those over the top words" Well they live here too" He knows of my triggers and buttons and he pushed every one of them
I can't imagine letting my DS do that in anyone's house, let along as he was a guest. What was mama doing then? Because that would not happen with my DS.
I mean, I know that kids can get into things, etc -- but it's easy enough to redirect them to what is appropriate.
I can't imagine letting my DS do that in anyone's house, let along as he was a guest. What was mama doing then? Because that would not happen with my DS.
I mean, I know that kids can get into things, etc -- but it's easy enough to redirect them to what is appropriate.
They were watching TV in the other room as always... I have not been a TV person , but I am really not happy about it now
Regardless of your history, boss mare, you do not have to accept this. You are not your past experiences. You're what you are, and want, and need, right now. You could have had NO bad experiences being an introvert child, and you would still have every right to put your foot down and tell them what's going to happen in your own home (the baby gate stays up, husband either does his job or hires someone to do it, etc.). And if your husband makes a habit of disrespecting your feelings like this, I'd say it's time to start shopping for another. Life's too damned short for that.
You don't have to accept this, unless you're getting something out of being mistreated. (don't laugh...some people do)
That is totally bats.
I don't know how old your DGS is, but we still watch DS pretty closely, particularly when we are in other people's homes.
I would have had a stern talking to both DH and DSD -- because you can turn it back on him. "YEs, and it is also MY house. Why is it that everyone else gets to feel comfortable except for me?"
People look at me like a "control freak" because I don't "let" DH's proclivity for excessive piles rule our lives. People think of messy, disorganized people as simply "laid back" -- but really, it's a form of control. They are controlling the environment, and often by telling you to "loosen up; it's just a bit of mess!" and often followed by "but I live here too!"
What they are completely forgetting is that YOU also live there. In fact, THIS PLACE is your PERMANENT home. It is YOURS. And you have every right to feel comfortable in YOUR OWN home.
Just as you are accommodating to them in some ways (allowing specific areas for mess, for example), they must also be accommodating to YOU.
In our household, my husband loves piles. I lived with PILES and PILES and PILES of papers (including junk mail, etc) for YEARS. I remember being about 5 years into our marriage and our dining room table, which seated 8 comfortably, had more than 14 piles on it that were all over a foot high each. Then, the same dining room had a window seat, which had another 12 foot-high piles on it. And then of the 6 chairs we had, all of them except ONE had a pile on it -- a pile that was at least 10 inches tall because they fit under the table still. THere was one clear spot on the table and one clear chair because that's where DH liked to write. It's where he kept his lap top.
Then, along the main window in the dining room, he had boxes -- 10 different book boxes that had piles of papers in them. There were two book cases in that room, piled with books, and on top, piles of papers. Then, you went into the kitchen, were the kitchen table was 1/2 piles, three of the chairs were piles, and then he had his space where he would eat and sit to eat.
You must understand that I lived there too.
The countertops of the kitchen had dirty dishes stacked on one side and clean dishes stacked on the other. there was no counter space (cupboards where dishes went were often empty). On the floor along the one wall and along the window were paper grocery bags which he'd filled with paper and used with recycling, but he rarely took the recycling out. So, there was a little L of space where one could get to the sink, get to the fridge, and cook a small amount.
Then, there was the entry way, where he would dump his coats, shoes, and bags for the day (including his lunch box). And the fire place, which had foot-high piles on the mantle. And then the sofa, where he would dump his clean laundry. And then the bookshelves that were stuffed with books, movies, and had piles of paper. And the end tables were piled, and the coffee table was piled, and there were piles in boxes along the walls in there. I had one clear chair where I could sit, but he would often "encroach" by putting his laundry/stuff there.
going up the stairs, there was a pile on each stair, as high as up to the next step.
Upstairs we had three bedrooms. One was a "junk room" -- just his stuff. Just piles of stuff.
Then there was an office. It had a big ikea table in it. COvered in -- piles. And three large book cases -- piled high. And the closet, stuffed. And a shorted book case -- full of books and piles.
And then our bedroom, which was 1/2 piles.
You can imagine how I felt.
For years and years I would hear "but this is my STUFF!" and "I live here too!" He didn't know what half the crap was, and most of it was just paper -- as in junk mail. He would "recycle" it in the kitchen, right? but instead of moving it out on recycle day, he would move it to another space -- like the junk room.
I finally had it. I said to him "Yes, and I live here too! And I cannot live like this!" I could never invite friends over, and whenever someone would come over (like my ILs), my MIL would basically say that I sucked as a wife and a woman because I wasn't keeping the place tidy (never mind that it looked exactly like her house, because that's how she raised him, no matter how times she said "i didn't raise him this way!").
It was just terrible and stressful for me, and really for DH too, though he never knew any better.
So, I told DH -- this is what we are going to do. You have 30 days to clear out all of the stuff that you want to keep. And whatever you don't go through, I will.
I set the date, called my mother, sister, and best friend, and we made plans to tackle the house.
DH did nothing for 30 days, but went out of town on that weekend.
On friday, my mother and sister came. we started in the kitchen. I person handled clutter, one put things away, and the third did the cleaning after (deep scrub). We managed the kitchen, dining room, and living room by Saturday afternoon. Then my friend came and we finished the stairs and upstairs rooms before sunday night.
I had an empty bedroom (which I turned into a yoga room) with an empty closet. I'd reorganized the office to be a second bedroom (getting rid of the book shelves, desk/table, etc -- and cleared our that closet. And I'd basically put anything that we needed to keep/store into the bedroom closet -- which was two boxes of holiday decorations.
I'd weeded through DH's clothing, my own, our shoes, coats, etc, all kinds of crap. I couldn't believe how much CRAP. I'd gotten all of our books and put them in the book cases downstairs.
After that, I had to control his piles. I gave him one chair and one place mat on our dining room table for his "piles." If it grew bigger than that, he had 5 days to clear it or I was going to.
I currently keep him contained in one basket in our house.
----
He came home and flipped out, but I'd told him he is welcome to "live" there, but not to push me out in favor of paper. I contained him to one chair and one place mat on the table on which to pile. He was livid, but, I followed through and contained the mess.
In addition, we started having weekend breakfasts at our table -- which he really enjoyed. We started to invite friends over regularly for dinners and game nights (something we never COULD do before because there was no where to sit). His friends from university who lived in other states could visit us and we had a guest room. And when his family came over, his mom didn't give us any crap.
He also felt less stressed -- we both did -- and we enjoyed our house a lot more.
When we decided to move here, we got rid of so much more. It was so liberating to get down to 25 boxes (kitchen, books, magazines, music, some clothes/bags/shoes, and sentimental items), plus then the 8 objects we brought with us (two trunks of toys/books for DS, 3 suitcases of clothing/etc, 2 carry-on bags, and one car seat).
Now, as I said, I hem him down to one basket for his piles. Every once in a while, things get out of hand, but we just do a declutter and we are back to normal. :)
It is appropriate for YOU to be accommodated too.
And yes, everyone thought I was a mean, antisocial control freak when i went and decluttered us the first time. But it was the best thing I ever did, honestly.
flowerseverywhere
3-25-12, 10:29pm
If someone told you this story what advice would you give them?
Imagine that you listened to the voice inside your head and did what you are telling yourself to do. Because I honestly believe that when people post a problem like this they know what they want to do, but want someone to justify the fact that it is OK for them not to do it. I hope that is not too confusing, but when you follow what you believe to be a solution you can benefit from it, but you also may have to pay the consequences such as fighting, a marriage breaking down or everyone in the family thinking you are the crazy one.
Are you willing to pay the consequences? If not, what other methods can you think of to resolve this situation?
Only you know what is right.
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