Improving my conversation skills [Archive]

View Full Version : Improving my conversation skills

razz

4-5-12, 7:12pm

Are there some ideas or websites that will help me to improve my social conversation skills. I find that I talk too much when I feel adrift or to fill in a gap. Would really like to do better.

Mrs-M

4-5-12, 8:38pm

Tradd

4-5-12, 9:38pm

This is a "make me feel good" thread. Just to know there are others (besides myself) looking to improve upon what they already have, helps put a smile on my face. (Reading, conversation skills, etc). For me it's reading...

Yes, most definitely, on the reading. All the bad conversationalists I've ever known have one thing in common: they don't read. I find readers are the most interesting conversationalists.

iris lily

4-5-12, 9:48pm

razz, what an interesting thread. I wonder where it will lead.

catherine

4-6-12, 7:33am

The most successful program for "social graces" I've seen is old Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People. I know it sounds corny and the title doesn't really represent how the program has evolved.

But I knew two people, individually and during two times of my life, who were who I considered to be the nicest, most engaging people to talk to. The funny thing is--they both said they had been very, very shy, so they took the Dale Carnegie course. I'm telling you, if these people had been socially awkward previously, they sure weren't then. With both of those people, I always walked away feeling listened to.

I looked it up and they do have live courses and seminars, but also online tutorials: http://www.dalecarnegie.com/events/?F_c=4

Float On

4-6-12, 8:15am

I realized the other day in a meeting that I'm starting to use my hands too much when I talk. I was pretty embarrassed when I realized what I was doing. I didn't do that before!

I always try to make eye contact. (I tend to waunder my eyes around when I'm talking.)
Speak clearly.
Ask a question.

catherine

4-6-12, 8:22am

I guess if we're talking personal tips, I think of conversation like a volleyball game--bounce the ball back to the other person as soon as possible and get it out of your court.

Also, if you're afraid of the gap of silence--I'd minimize that anxiety. There's nothing wrong with a break in a conversation. I've been on car rides with people (like colleagues going to visit a client) and some people are so clearly uncomfortable with the silence that they just blab incessantly the whole way and I get tired--physically tired--from listening to it all.

We can sit in silence and still enjoy each other's company.

If you are still uncomfortable, ask questions that will elicit a (hopefully) long response (how did you meet your spouse? How did you wind up being in [sales/nursing/teaching]? So what exactly does being a IT consultant to an energy company entail? So I see you're wearing a golf shirt... do you play? how did you learn to play? Are you better at a long game or short game? Got any favorite players? Did you see the Master's? Do you think Tiger will get back to his old game?

leslieann

4-6-12, 9:37am

Some lovely ideas.

One thing I have noticed in the silences is that I can take note of my breathing. If I just wait and allow my breath into my belly, pretty soon either something comes to me or to the other person and the conversation can open again. The silences are important. People process information at different speeds, and I have found LOTS can happen if there is space between thoughts.

And I also love questions that are wide open. "What was that like for you?" "What did you like best about that?" "Did you learn anything from that?" People will often stop and think before answering, and then there is hope for a deeper conversation. Well, those probably come AFTER the basics, like "Did you do anything fun this summer?"

;)

mira

4-6-12, 1:05pm

Excellent thread! This is something I struggle with... not necessarily out of shyness (I don't consider myself to be shy anymore), but mainly because sometimes I just cannot think of anything to say. My mind goes blank. It's embarrassing. Or I feel like I need to be constantly witty or make insightful remarks, which makes me keep my mouth shut or just avoid talking about myself.

It can help to focus on the other person rather than on yourself - think about things to ask them about their life and listen attentively. Taking the focus outside yourself can lessen that anxiety that leads you to waffle or ramble. Something that puts me off giving big monologues or telling stories is that many people I talk to only seem to be half listening. Maybe they're completely attentive and I'm just creating anxiety for myself, I don't know, but being a good listener is essential.

Don't let silences make you anxious. I think something that differentiates a generally confident person from a more anxious one is their ability to experience conversation gaps without panic. Leslieann makes a good point - people process information at different speeds, and to accommodate this, some silence is necessary. It took me months and months to get used to my partner's silence after asking him a question or being mid-conversation - it's not that he isn't listening; he's merely processing!

Float On - I also gesticulate a ton when I'm talking. It's like my mouth can't express my thoughts quickly or eloquently enough and I have to sign them. I irritate myself with it and whenever I become conscious of it I try to sit on my hands or keep them in my pockets!