redfox
4-5-12, 9:09pm
Last journal entry
I am now 19 months out from my initial diagnosis of brain tumor (GBM). Ole BT has now clearly worked into my head. The metaphor I have is that he is at a control panel with valves controlling specific parts of my body, my left motor control, my eyesight, my fine motor dexterity, balance, leg strength, energy, speech and emotions. It feels like BT is starting to slowly, slowly shut down the valves of each function. He plays an evil game of loosening one up for a while, giving me a short reprieve before shutting it down again. I do not know which is the last valve he will turn down. I am diving into my inner spiritual world these days being guided by my wind spirit that has blown me so sweetly on my path of life until a harsh gust slammed BT into my body. My earth spirit is pulsating through my body comforting me as I deal with winds of change. I have never experienced such deep sadness. So deep and never ending.....a never ending crevasse of sadness. I love this world so much and I do not want to give it up. Tears welled up and overflowed this last week from the depths of this sadness. Unending tears. A question arises within me as a visual person. I wonder where all of those many beautiful images of the world that I carry with me will go? Do I take them with me or are they released into the world somehow?
So as my body shuts down it becomes my journey to walk alone.....to leave peacefully a life that I love, people I love, a world that I love.... I feel complete. I know I gave love to this world.
These words from an Irish tune express my thoughts now:
Oh all the money that e'er I spent
I spent it in good company
And all the harm that e'er I've done
Alas, it was to none but me And all the harm that e'er I've done
Alas, it was to none but me
And all I've done for want of wit
To memory now I can't recall
So fill to me the parting glass
Good night and joy be with you all
Oh all the comrades that e'er I've had
Are sorry for my going away
And all the sweethearts that e'er I've had
Would wish me one more day to stay
But since it falls unto my lot
That I should rise and you should not
I'll gently rise and I'll softly call
Good night and joy be with you all
Good night and joy be with you all
My vision of passing from life to death is one of my riding on the back of a grizzly bear softly padding toward the gossamer veil that separates life and death. And when we get to the veil the grizz will gently set me down on the other side. I do not know what will be there but I know it will be peaceful and I will be OK.....more than OK....what will I be? Content? As the grizz sets me down I will feel all of your love and support behind me. Thank you for that. The grizz will quietly leave me and find another to help with their transition. My wind and earth spirit will follow me through to the other side.
You can honor me and celebrate my life by saying “yes” to whatever comes your way. Love those around you. Speak from your heart. Say what you really think, honor yourself and Love, Love, Love. Love is all there is Love is all there is.
I am now 19 months out from my initial diagnosis of brain tumor (GBM). Ole BT has now clearly worked into my head. The metaphor I have is that he is at a control panel with valves controlling specific parts of my body, my left motor control, my eyesight, my fine motor dexterity, balance, leg strength, energy, speech and emotions. It feels like BT is starting to slowly, slowly shut down the valves of each function. He plays an evil game of loosening one up for a while, giving me a short reprieve before shutting it down again. I do not know which is the last valve he will turn down. I am diving into my inner spiritual world these days being guided by my wind spirit that has blown me so sweetly on my path of life until a harsh gust slammed BT into my body. My earth spirit is pulsating through my body comforting me as I deal with winds of change. I have never experienced such deep sadness. So deep and never ending.....a never ending crevasse of sadness. I love this world so much and I do not want to give it up. Tears welled up and overflowed this last week from the depths of this sadness. Unending tears. A question arises within me as a visual person. I wonder where all of those many beautiful images of the world that I carry with me will go? Do I take them with me or are they released into the world somehow?
So as my body shuts down it becomes my journey to walk alone.....to leave peacefully a life that I love, people I love, a world that I love.... I feel complete. I know I gave love to this world.
These words from an Irish tune express my thoughts now:
Oh all the money that e'er I spent
I spent it in good company
And all the harm that e'er I've done
Alas, it was to none but me And all the harm that e'er I've done
Alas, it was to none but me
And all I've done for want of wit
To memory now I can't recall
So fill to me the parting glass
Good night and joy be with you all
Oh all the comrades that e'er I've had
Are sorry for my going away
And all the sweethearts that e'er I've had
Would wish me one more day to stay
But since it falls unto my lot
That I should rise and you should not
I'll gently rise and I'll softly call
Good night and joy be with you all
Good night and joy be with you all
My vision of passing from life to death is one of my riding on the back of a grizzly bear softly padding toward the gossamer veil that separates life and death. And when we get to the veil the grizz will gently set me down on the other side. I do not know what will be there but I know it will be peaceful and I will be OK.....more than OK....what will I be? Content? As the grizz sets me down I will feel all of your love and support behind me. Thank you for that. The grizz will quietly leave me and find another to help with their transition. My wind and earth spirit will follow me through to the other side.
You can honor me and celebrate my life by saying “yes” to whatever comes your way. Love those around you. Speak from your heart. Say what you really think, honor yourself and Love, Love, Love. Love is all there is Love is all there is.