View Full Version : Mental Illness :(
I couldn't find the thread where people so kindly offered advice for my ex-SiL situation. It must have fallen off in the updates.
Long story short, ex-SiL was married to my husband's brother. After 30 years, they divorced. They have a 24 y/o daughter and a 21 y/o son. 24 y/o lives four hours away, 21 y/o is in college and lives with Dad. Ex-SiL is doing very poorly again, and this time the kids feel the burden of dealing with it - with taking SOME action. Ex-SiL has started up with a sketchy guy who lives with her in her home, adding to their anxiety. Ex-SiL gets a sizable alimony, adding to the anxiety that the guy is trying to take advantage of her. There was a bit of a blow-up at Easter about the whole thing, because BiL wants to be done with her, but 24 y/o was getting upset about her mom being sick. The family started to offer advice, and well, it went downhill quickly.
But really, what can the kids do? Nothing! It's really sad. Neither one is in counseling. 24 y/o was, but isn't now. 21 y/o never attended counseling.
A coworker of mine suggested Al-Anon. I see that NAMI has some local support meetings, which I may just attend and then possibly, if the time is right, invite 21 y/o to attend with me.
People at the table were talking background checks on the sketchy boyfriend, which I think is ridiculous. They are adults, and he hasn't done anything.
She has a county social worker and we suggested that 24 y/o get the SW back in the loop, even if just to update SW. But Ex-SiL has refused the SW's assistance in the past, so I'm not sure the value is evident. I still think it's important as they document these things.
Ex-SiL is very draining, kind of sucks a person in. 24 y/o is verbalizing a lot of guilt and feeling of responsibility if anything bad happens to mom. I feel 21 y/o has this feeling as well but is not verbalizing. It is not a possibility for any of BiL's family to see her now - it would be really bad. So only the kids can have contact. But we can support behind the scenes. Just not sure the best way to do that.
Is there a legal designation for a vulnerable adult? She clearly is, but isn't on SSDI/SSI (whatever it's called . . .) or any other "program." But how else would she have a SW? So there are some pieces missing for me.
Bah, everyone is on the phone to DH tonight about it.
Haha, so much for long story short!!
It is a sad situation and if anyone asks your advice, gently share with them what you think reasonable alternatives might be. Speak only if your advice is asked. Listen to the story once only and then move on; don't get sucked into a vortex of endless recriminations. That has been my guiding principle in dealing with the people in my family who have been determined to live their lives as if there were no consequences. Sorry that you are having to deal with this.
I think being there for the kids to 1) provide a bit of stability and to 2) model boundary setting is good. If their ill mother will not accept help, she will not accept help. That is her right. They can't save her or keep bad nick men out of her bed and home. Help them recognize the boundaries they are going to have to set, and enforce, in dealing with their mother.
You may be better at this than their father because you are removed emotionally from this woman. Their father probably resents her and dislikes her since he dealt with her for 30 years, and they will sense that he (perhaps?) is operating out of those negative emotions.
You are correct, Iris Lily. I'm not completely detached, because I knew her and didn't particularly like her, but I did not suffer the personal hurts at her hands like everyone else in the family. My DH and DSiL were children when DBiL was married, and so they have dealt with her for most of their lives.
I was thinking of buying them each this serenity prayer bookmark (http://www.etsy.com/listing/65447490/serenity-prayer-bookmark-hammered-copper?ref=sr_gallery_1&ga_search_query=serenity+prayer+bookmark&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_search_type=handmade) from Etsy, but not sure if it is too preachy to do so.
What a tough situation to be dealing with now.
Help the kids love their mother but reject her chosen behaviour if you can find a way to word this. They will not have the skills, knowledge or understanding on how to separate the doer from the deed and will blur the two triggering great confusion mentally and emotionally.
What qualities did you find that you liked about SIL before she chose to destroy herself and the marriage. Even if she dies, the two kids will still need to have and hear something positive to remember about their mother as they will identify themselves as SIL's children.
I couldn't find the thread where people so kindly offered advice for my ex-SiL situation. It must have fallen off in the updates.
Could it be this one? http://www.simplelivingforum.net/showthread.php?398-How-does-an-adult-end-up-in-a-group-home
It was, Alan. Thanks for finding it.
razz, it will be hard to think of something I liked about DSiL, sad to say :( I first met her after she'd already been doing this for 15+ years. But I will try. I see where it is important for the kids.
Mother Teresa said this- "Jesus in all hisdistressing disguises." Mental illness is so very very hard. I'm sorry you're worried, my dear. The young adults are the ones who need the most support IMHO.
They'll eventually come to terms with not being able to do anything about their Mom's choices. Anything you can do to model for them how to love her while they detach from her choices will be incredibly invaluable for them.
Learn out loud about this yourself, with whatever resources you have. They will see you & hear you, it will sink in. Blessings.
So hard, fidgiegirl. The young adults really do need a program like Al-Anon, but if they won't go, you can't force them.
It's only in a program like that (there are others) where they will learn the detachment that's going to be necessary to let your Ex-SiL live her own life.
But consider putting on your own oxygen mask now, rather than struggling to find theirs. Get yourself stable and serene now, through Al-Anon, or any other program that stresses loving detachment. This may well be one of those situations in which you have to "...accept the things you cannot change."
Having been through wave after wave of those when younger (and still, occasionally, with family members) I know how you are feeling and I'm sending you a big, big hug of strength and support.
jennipurrr
4-12-12, 12:07pm
States laws differ along a huge spectrum in the ability to get an adult care against their will. In my state it is very difficult due to some cases of people being committed without cause way back in history. She likely has a SW from an interaction in some capacity with a community mental health center...it might not have been inpatient treatment, but if she ever went there to see a psychiatrist, get meds, was court referred, she likely was assigned a social worker. I think it may be healthy to get the SW in the loop, but the kids can't expect it to go too much father since mom has been unreceptive in the past.
It doesn't seem appropriate for the ex-family members to be involved in the mother's relationships, personal business, treatment, etc. I am sure there is a lot of concern for the kids, but they are also adults now too. I agree that one of the best things you can do is model healthy boundaries. At this stage in the game, based on her history and refusal to get treatment, MIL is most likely going to continue this behavior for some time (or forever). It will be incredibly hard on the kids but they will have to learn to cope with it without it letting it destroy them. Alanon can help with healthy detachment, even if MIL is not using substance. She has likely been the parentified child for some time now, so at this point she naturally feels responsible for mom.
I would recommend being there for 24 and 21 y/os as a relative and a friend. You really could fill in an older, mentor sibling role for them, if you are close or could develop that relationship. You may remember from my posts my husband has a lot of family instability...he can point to a couple of relatives who really made the difference with their involvement in his life in his late teens/early 20s.
I would urge them to attend counseling if possible. Alanon and NAMI are great free options for support. Also, a lot of college campuses have free/low priced counseling. Codependent No More is a classic self help book in this area they may be interested in reading. Also, if you feel she may have Borderline Personality Disorder, another good book is Stop Walking on Egg Shells. I also have some other good titles in the personal library about growing up with an unstable parent, I will be happy to get them to you, if they are interested in reading. DH was more interested in reading than attending support groups for a while. One of the revelations he had when he read books like that was that he wasn't alone, this same crap happens in other families too.
I count reading Codependent No More as one of the turning points in my own mental health. In fact, I'm unsure whether I would've gotten to this point had I not been exposed to that thinking; being unaware of my own programming, I was rapidly getting to where my life was untenable. Wonderful suggestion.
If the household involved substance abuse of any kind when the 24/21 kids were growing up, or even if it didn't, they might benefit hugely from Adult Children of Alcoholics. There are frighteningly common patterns among those who (like myself) grew up in these situations, and lots of confusion around control and caregiving. I used to mod one of the forums here: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/#friends-family
fidgiegirl
4-12-12, 7:38pm
It doesn't seem appropriate for the ex-family members to be involved in the mother's relationships, personal business, treatment, etc.
I am not really sure who else they have to turn to. Their mom's family is in Illinois, and mom was alienated from them before the divorce, and thus the kids were, too. We can detach the best we can, but I have a feeling they will continue to seek advice/support from at least some of us. Now direct involvement, that won't be happening from our household. Hopefully the others also know that would be a bad, bad thing.
Thank you for the book suggestions.
I have a question about Al-Anon. If it's for relatives of alcoholics, how does it help relatives of mental illness? I think I have an idea, but that is a point that's still a little unclear for me. The codependency aspect?
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU all for taking the time to write.
You guessed it, Kelli. The codependency aspect is important, but to me learning loving detachment was more important, and is directly applicable to your situation. It appears, at least, that there is nothing these kids can do to "save" their mother from her choices at this point. So they can either freak out each time she does, reacting to the successive waves of crazy behavior with craziness of their own, filling their lives with guilt and chaos, OR they can learn how to detach from her choices/actions with love, allowing themselves to feel sad, but not responsible. It's one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but it was so worth it.
I am sorry. I have had struggles with Loving my son, thinking I could change him, fix the problems, make it all better, end his Addiction which then lead to mental issues. I can sympathize with the children in this situation and the family members. Last fall when it all came to a head and it ususally does I have found out, I got the help and strenght I needed. I found out the Three Cs I did not cause it, I can not control it and I can not change it. When I reached that point and let go to the higher power it was a breath of fresh air.
I hope the children get the help they need to and your gift of the serenity prayer is a wonderful start. There are many books, support groups and online helps, but only when the person wants to accept can they absorb it.
Peace to all of you.
PS my son got his higher power and help when he was ready, he is 6 months clean next week. ODAAT
Not to hijack the thread, but that's so good to hear, ctg492! I know and went through all those same feelings of helplessness and hopelessness with my daughter, who celebrated a year clean and sober back in January.
fidgiegirl
4-13-12, 5:36pm
ctg, how great.
Where are the 3 Cs from? From a book, or common wisdom? Love them. Easy to remember, easy to make into a mantra.
I learned through a breaking the Enableling cycle course. I believe it it from al anon. I am well on my way if not passed the Enableling Cycle!
SiouzQ balloons and cake and happy thoughts sending your way to your daughter!!!! You too. From a fellow lower Mi Mom.
Puglogic posted a great site, sift through and use want you. It was totally one of the most helpful sites for me on the web, when I needed to realize what I needed to change in myself.
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