Trying to stop a rut from sliding into depression...long

[SiouzQ.]

As you have probably read some of my various posts regarding my job, I'm finding I am letting the whole crazy situation get to m, plus trying to job hunt is really coloring my whole attitude and outlook on things these past few weeks. It's weird, a couple of weeks ago when the weather got crazy warm I was flying high and able to take things in stride and I felt happier and more content than any time I can think of, despite the uncertainty at work.

Well, my mood is starting to plummet and I am falling into my old familiar pattern: it's like I have battened down all the hatches to keep everyone and everything away from me, meaning I am practicing extreme isolation (more than my usual hermiting). I rarely, if ever call my few friends (sometimes carrying on a conversation is so bloody painful I just avoid it because I can't think of anything but negative stuff to say), can't for the life of me manage to make plans with anyone, I get stuck in the endless tape loops in my head that blather on about "what is WRONG with you", and "why can't you even get a fricking cashier job at a grocery store (my latest attempt at finding a job that doesn't have impossible demands put on me). Then I start feeling like I have somehow missed some fundemental stage in a maturation process 'cause I shouldn't feel the same way as I felt in my 20's, 30's or 40's. I guess I really feel like some sort of workplace failure. I cannot even conceive of what I want to be when I grow up (which I'm not sure I really did). I can't believe I am fifty and going through the same old doubts and confusion over and over and over again. I just don't know where to go from here. The only retail jobs I have enjoyed were ones that I had express interest in the products, which has taken me to selling camping, hiking and boating gear, beads and guitars. Now I am really interested in good food and all the issues surrounding food supply, American diet, etc, which is why I wanted to start working in a high-end grocery store (Wholefoods, Trader Joes, or at a couple of the local markets) but because I have never worked in the grocery industry before (despite 35 years of cashiering and customer service experience), I haven't had a single interview...maybe my resume is still wrong, or the way I fill out on-line applications is wrong, or they look at all that experience and realize I am older.

I am living in fear (maybe it's irrational but I feel it) and its getting worse the last few days. I am ultimately scared I will end up being a bag lady or something (I know that sounds ridiculous but that is where my mind takes me). I feel paralyzed with doubt and indecision.

Then I start dreading work (I still have my job and it pays well). The latest is that J (the 22 year old) will be leaving soon to bum around Europe for the summer (good for him)! I can't even fathom how the store will run without him there. He truly is the glue that has been barely holding it together since the manager walked out 7 weeks ago. There is NO way in h*** I am going to be put in the position of manager by default because the elderly owner has made no plans and seems to have no plans to hire a new manager and it just gets worse and worse. I have no training in the intricacies of the computer system and the owner can barely do any functions on it himself. The s*** is piling up and the things falling through the cracks are mounting into a big stinkin' mess that is too great for anyone but an expert to tackle .

Anyway, I am going to force myself to go out out tonight and play some music. I haven't left the house all day and the last Mad Men disc is beckoning me strongly but that is what I've been doing for the past few weeks ~ madly watching Mad Men. I am going to try to be sociable tonight...

[razz]

Oh, SQ, keep talking to us and venting out your concerns as these vents will help you hear your thoughts and find a way through.
Hugs and good vibes coming your way!

[danna]

We are listening SQ and I am sure a lot of us have been where you are right now...there are not always good answers.
But, sometimes talking it out helps us find answers......

[SiouzQ.]

Thanks for the support, you two. Just a thought I woke up with ~ I realize that I have been a chronic underachiever my entire life in just about everything I've done...I think it stems from when I was a competitive figure skater as a youngster and my coach and mom put a lot of demands and pressure on me that I wasn't strong enough to deal with. I rebelled quite loudly in high school and quit; that set in motion of doing just good enough to get by but not stand out or put myself on the line. A fear of success and a fear of failure has haunted me me whole life. So I do enough to just get by on my terms, but it really doesn't get me anywhere but the same place I've always been...hmmmm.
Well, off to the salt mines. I haven't been there in three days and I shudder upon entering and seeing the disasters that may await me :)

[leslieann]

Be careful with the harsh labels, SQ. "Underachiever" can sound pretty dire. Maybe you just haven't been able to really know what you really, really want. I am sending good wishes for your workdays (!) and thoughts of uplifting energy. And keep coming back.

Peace,

Leslie

[mtnlaurel]

Oh, SQ, keep talking to us and venting out your concerns as these vents will help you hear your thoughts and find a way through.
Hugs and good vibes coming your way!

+ 10 gazillion!!!!

I am only on Day 7 of walking every morning, but it is like some kind of calming, yet uplifting drug.
It's not an aerobic walk - just a 30 minute mid-paced walk with the dog.
And it's helped me cut back on some coffee which gets me pretty amp'ed up in a bad way in the morning.
My dad's been after me forever to do this in a gentle way and at last dr. appt. she somehow spurred be on to commit to a daily walk.

[Blackdog Lin]

Adding my own hugs and good thoughts to waft your way. Try to remember, this is only a TEMPORARY rough patch. You will most likely come through it to the other side, and the other side will most likely be a good place.....

[SteveinMN]

SiouzQ., I could have written almost all of your post! The dread of going to work -- dread which started sooner and sooner on the weekends. Feeling bad/guilty because I know several people who had been out of work for a while and would have loved to have drawn the paycheck I was receiving. Refusing lunch invitations and not calling friends because (as a guy) one of the first topics of discussion was going to be how work was going, and I just didn't always want to be Gloomy Gus.

And, yes, the confusion that came with being middle-aged and still not knowing what I wanted to be when I grew up. So many interests! So many choices! When I was graduated from college, if I had told people I wanted to be a Webmaster, they would have thought I wanted to be a professional Boy Scout leader. I almost literally fell into my current job and actually displayed both interest and aptitude. That was a good thing except that it kept me there far longer than I should have stayed.

One very real issue you are facing are those feelings of low worth. I've gained a fair amount of weight because, well, I had a hard time reacting to my boss' nonsense, but I could swallow whatever I wanted for lunch. I got home so zapped that it was an effort to do much of anything but noodle around on the computer, wasting time.

The challenge was to find a way to get past the bad recordings. For me, it started with realizing I was just plain good at some things. Some of them were incredibly mundane or had nothing to do with work ("I can spell well!" "I make a mean chicken soup!"). But they helped reinforce that I was not worthless. I began to treasure moments outside in the perfect temperature or a nicely-done piece of toast for breakfast or a favorite song on the radio. Clean pressed clothes. A tabletop cleared off and its wood grain shining. Remembering (in time!) a friend's birthday. Gotta take those victories where you find them!

The long-term fix (for you) is to find some work outside of retail. You may think commission sales will be a liberator. But commission sales these days are full of quotas, and if you don't make the quota, you don't make the cut. If commission is something that will give you the focus you need, great. But it might be illuminating for you to go on a couple of interviews for commission-only jobs and see what kind of pressure exists for more sales and upgrades and the like.

Finally (I know this has turned into a book), you will need to evaluate how far you can go with your current job. That job is taking something out of you that you won't recover for years, if ever. Extreme stress is not healthful. Snapping at our coworkers or, worse, family and friends, costs us our reputations. Going into a job we hate most days is a terrible waste of our short lives. What job is worth all that?

I finally reached my breaking point at work. The same stupid thing happening all over again and nobody but me seemed to give a rip. It was tempting to respond to my boss with something really choice. I had already counted out my life's savings and figured how long that would keep me going. I didn't say anything. I walked away and called Employee Assistance. I don't know if you have such a group at work (or if your health provider offers a stress-management clinic which can help), but those folks have been immeasurably helpful in my transition. Even without EA, though, I had gotten to the point when not having a job was less of an issue than having that job.

SiouzQ, I wish you all the best. I have been where you are. It is possible to get past it, but it will take energy you may not think you have right now and it will take accepting a level of risk in your life that you may not yet have been willing to take on. But if you don't find those things, where will you be?

[early morning]

I am afraid I have nothing to add except more hugs and good vibes. Steve's post is very thoughtful and he has some great ideas - so much so that I have saved it and will forward it to my own son, as soon as he asks for advice! I have only had one job where I dreaded going to work, and it was indeed dreadful to spend my life-energy that way. I was very lucky in that it was before this horrid economy and I was able to land another job, which I love and look forward to most days - even when the inevitable tragedy occurs. You are in my thoughts - blessings be!

[SiouzQ.]

Thank you Steve and Early Morning, I really needed to read this as I am now home from work for the day and the first thing I did was lie down and immediately conk out. Today was grueling, in that I have hit the wall so hard at that place I can't muster up anything to put forth. We had a "sale" today, which turned out to be such a joke, due to the management problems of the elderly owner. We sold exactly one of the things that was on sale today...no one really came in, and the people who did expected a store-wide sale and left disappointed when we only had some of the aging inventory on sale, using a bait-n-switch type of pricing. The ineptitude and lies of this man is really, really getting to me, because I am the one who is expected to put on a happy face and make people believe in the crap he is trying to pull. I can't even understand how we are still in business and I am a participant in this reoccurring train wreck...
I have been ramping up my on-line applications, but they are so long and convoluted that it took me two hours (!) last night to fill out just one. I got to work today and the absolute, complete mind-numbing fatigue of the week washed over me. My co-worker, J, was still drunk from the night before, so his hangover and my mood of doom colored everything. It's THAT bad...then to top it off, the elderly owner was actually nice today (after being angry/forgetful/snarky/nasty the previous days , and unbelievingly, he actually bought us lunch (a first) and was super-nice and conciliatory to me (which was really weird because I honestly think I get the energy I need to make it through each day by being angry at him and the situation he is putting us in). It's all very disorienting and very much like dealing with an alcoholic. We never know which kind of mood he is going to be in, or who he is going to pick on. We think , in addition to possible dementia, that he has a personality disorder as well. I try to detach as much as I can but lately my energy level has plummeted so much I can't even have any peace when I'm not there. I basically curled up in a little ball tonight. I cannot muster the energy to go out and be with friends (because I'm the Debbie Downer these days and I don't want to put my friends through my moods).

I am really scared of just putting in my notice without having something lined up. I have $15,000 in savings but I know how fast it can be used up, even being as frugal as I am. But I also know that staying in this stuck position is really harming me in that the depression is starting to really mount, to the point of maybe calling my psychiatrist next week (who I see occasionally) when I start feeling really bad. I haven't been on meds in a long time and really would like to avoid that route if at all possible. I need to muster up the guts to make a move; maybe if I finally quit, I would feel like I was taking control over my well-being and then get that added burst of energy I will need to make a super huge concerted effort to find something else because I would have the time to do it full-time. I don't know...a scarey move but I have to do something soon because I'm really feeling myself slipping down into the deep, bottomless well. I fear I have lost the ability to detach anymore and that to stay in this situation is going to cause me a lot of harm. I feel like I have lost my joy and that really sucks.
So tonight, I am going to be be a hermit and have a Mad Men marathon. I will go to bed at a reasonable time, get up early, and make myself go for my walk and do all my yoga and stretching exercises. I will go to work and get through the 5 hours. I will attempt to fill out more applications in the evening. I will then have two days off, in which I really hope I can put to good use by staying on a schedule of good living habits and then continue to work on resumes and job searches. I have to make a plan because if I don't, I will fritter away the time by sleeping too much, or watching DVD's, or just lying in bed getting more depressed. I will attempt to connect with friends, which is hard for a loner like me.
Anyway, now I am rambling...

[SteveinMN]

How was the Mad Men marathon, SiouzQ? I hope you enjoyed it!

Almost everything you wrote looked familiar to me (except for the "alcoholic"/demented owner of the company; our senior management has their own peculiar "issues") (sad). Some additional thoughts at this time:

- Do you have a budget/educated idea of how long your savings could carry you? Would you take short-term temp jobs (delivering newspapers, pizzas, grading standardized school tests) to help fill the gaps?

- Two hours sounds like a huge amount of time to spend on one job app. I would think that, by now, you had job history down cold. So what are they asking for that's taking so much time?

- Have you thought about using job-search Web sites or signing up for a company like Manpower to amplify your efforts? Here in Minnesota, we have the Minnesota Works (http://www.mnworks.net/) Web site. Or maybe you could fill out one application and let a company like Manpower find you interviews.

- Your job-search plan is a great idea! Commit yourself to a set amount of time each day when you do nothing but find open positions, fill out apps, network (I know that's hard right now) -- and when the time is up, you're done. You can feel good that you worked hard for that length of time (for yourself!) and you don't nag yourself with constant "oh, I should look some more right now" thoughts. If/when you quit, looking for work will be your job. 8-10 hours five days a week, and it doesn't have to be a complete grind (lunch with a networking acquaintance can be at some place enjoyable).

- Take a step back and honestly appraise how the world sees you. I don't mean you have to look like Barbie (or Ken) -- people told me they knew I was just about gone because of the dull look in my eyes and the lack of a smile.

- I totally understand how you feel about interacting with friends and family at the moment. It does not help if you are a Myers-Briggs Introvert (as I am). There is no crime at all in telling people that you're in a rough patch at work (blame the pace or something if you don't want to get into too many details) and in gently refining terms of your engagement. I had a buddy of mine who used to call me once or twice a week to catch up and chat. I just wasn't up for that, so I told him a call or email every 2-3 weeks would have to do for a while. Maybe you limit your interaction with friends right now to phone calls and emails ("Oops -- pot's boiling over. Gotta go!") Your friends will understand. Your family should understand. They "want you back".

- As big a fan of pharmacology as I am :~) (no one should get on anyone's case for taking Zoloft or Elavil any more than they would get on a diabetic's case for taking insulin), I know such drugs take weeks/months to ramp up (and a similar time to ramp down). And it's an expense ($$s and in side effects) that you would not have if you had a good job. Maybe take getting to this point as a sign? By all means, if that's the best way to cope with it now, do it. I'm just suggesting that you may just be postponing a decision you know you have to make.

- (I'm writing another book; sorry.) Trust your gut. You know there's a problem here, you want to fix it (despite the energy the situation takes from you), and you're still decent and moral enough to know that people should not be treated this way. Not being your true self (which you are right now) takes even more out of you. You're looking at a big move, I know. I am, too. Sometimes it feels like I'm stepping off a ledge. But sometimes it feels like I'm exiting a burning building. Who wouldn't leave a burning building?

Peace! I'm thinking of you...

[redfox]

SiouzQ, is reading a help to you? If so, I'd like to recommend this book~ Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living, by Pema Chödrön. She also wrote When Things Fall Apart, which I recommend as well.

This book helped rescue me from a very bad pit I was in. I strongly encourage you to take her words into your heart (the compassion she talks about is directed towards yourself), and be gentle with yourself. And, big hugs. I know precisely how you feel...

[SiouzQ.]

Thanks! I actually hit some sort of turning point, or a wake up call to action while at work today (the owner wasn't there so it was a little more sane). I simply cannot waste any more of my precious life minutes remaining on this insane place. I HAVE to know there is an end in sight to this scenario, and it needs to be rather soon. A crazy idea started forming in my head today, and one that is going to involve some guts. "J" is letting the owner know this next week that he will be leaving in June. I am going to try my damdest to get another job in the meantime, but if I don't, I am going to put in my notice sometime in mid-May so I can be gone by June 10th or so. I then have this idea that I am going to take a three week or so vacation out west to clear my head and figure out my next move. I have plenty of money to pay my rent and travel expenses for the month I'm gone. I am one of those people that has to finish something out before starting something new, especially something this BIG and life-changing. I may want to try living somewhere else and starting a whole new life. I have no lease so I can move out of my townhouse at any time and sell everything I don't want. I have actually dreamed of this for years and years as an option when my daughter became an adult. I figure I would like to have a month of being on the road and then whatever I decide I will could come back to Michigan and either get another job or perhaps disassemble my life here and try something new. My brother and his new wife keep suggesting I come down to Charlotte and live near them.

All I know is that I will become one of those invisible women of a certain age if I don't make some major changes; the depression is already causing me to isolate and not try new stuff. I have been back in my hometown for the last twenty years because my mom and ex-MIL helped me raise my daughter. I haven't been going out much lately to do my music or sing at the blues jam; everything feels so stale here in this spot I am in. I really need to become vibrant again while I am still relatively young and in good health. I can envision myself being fit, tan and active (like how I get when I'm on one of my road trips). I want to be that person again. I want to be the girl again who got up on stage in Memphis on Beale St. and sat in with a blues band while I was traveling through a few years back. I haven't been living lately, just existing. It's a yukky place to be.

Do you think this idea is totally crazy? I know my parents would, but they don't have to live in my skin. I have come too far in twenty years of being a struggling single mom, dealing with ex-husbands mental issues, my daughter's bi-polar and drug issues and my own mental health demons to give up now and sit on my couch and fritter my life away, being "safe" but being miserable.

[razz]

Life is for living not sitting on your hands. It sounds as though you have the flexibility that you need to make a big change.
I only have one concern - who is going to deal with your parents when they are no longer able to be independent? How soon will that be? Will you be able to be down south with your brother to share the decision making should the need arise and how will you feel being away? Is there some alternative to answering these questions so that you can be fully free as you should be?

[SteveinMN]

Wow! Congratulations, SiouzQ.! That's quite the change!

For what it's worth, I don't think your idea is totally crazy.:) Setting a date to leave a crazy job is smart. Going out west for a few weeks to recuperate and clear your head is perfect. After that, though, there are a few things I wonder about:

- If this is the plan ("I have actually dreamed of this for years and years as an option"), then why even bother looking for another retail job in Michigan now? Seems to me something which will just get in the way.

- Your daughter -- she'll be okay (physically) without you around long-term? Will you be okay living someplace else and not being around for what she (or, as razz mentioned, your parents) may encounter in the foreseeable future? I'm not suggesting that this cancel the idea of moving elsewhere; just suggesting that you consider your reaction to being geographically distant in case of big life events.

Those thinking points aside, I think it's terrific that you are marking a line in the sand and moving on from this experience! It may not be until you get away from it for a few months that you realize just how far gone things got (my experience). As razz said, life is for living -- you should not unconsciously get yourself "stuck".

[SiouzQ.]

Spent the better part of the day doing on-line applications again, but first organizing my information better so I can copy and paste the pertinent things like specific responsibilities from specific jobs, references, etc. It still takes a long time for each one because once you get all your information in and the resume uploaded, there still all these essay questions about "what constitutes good customer services to you" or "describe and explain a bad customer service experience you've had" and on and on. I long for the days when you went around with your one resume and actually spoke to someone when you handed it in. And this is all for fairly lowly retail or cashier positions.
I still don't really know what to do except to keep on it. I mentioned to my mom about drawing a line in the sand and of course she thinks it's a really bad idea to quit without having something lined up but that is just the way she is. I have had a lot of fears instilled in me by my parents growing up ~ always take the safe route, don't take risks, and don't make waves. Overcoming that fear is so hard, because whatever happens I am responsible for the outcome.
Okay, I think it is time for me to take a break from all this and try to enjoy what's left of my day off. I'm going to try to be creative, or play my guitars or something before I get to escape into more Mad Men...and then blessed sleep...

[mtnlaurel]

Spent the better part of the day doing on-line applications again, but first organizing my information better so I can copy and paste the pertinent things like specific responsibilities from specific jobs, references, etc. It still takes a long time for each one because once you get all your information in and the resume uploaded, there still all these essay questions about "what constitutes good customer services to you" or "describe and explain a bad customer service experience you've had" and on and on. I long for the days when you went around with your one resume and actually spoke to someone when you handed it in. And this is all for fairly lowly retail or cashier positions.
I still don't really know what to do except to keep on it. I mentioned to my mom about drawing a line in the sand and of course she thinks it's a really bad idea to quit without having something lined up but that is just the way she is. I have had a lot of fears instilled in me by my parents growing up ~ always take the safe route, don't take risks, and don't make waves. Overcoming that fear is so hard, because whatever happens I am responsible for the outcome.
Okay, I think it is time for me to take a break from all this and try to enjoy what's left of my day off. I'm going to try to be creative, or play my guitars or something before I get to escape into more Mad Men...and then blessed sleep...

Here are some ideas that have popped into my head.....

- How about you go around 'the old school way' with your resume to boutique type jewelry places or stores that intrigue you and ask for owner/manager
I'm kind of extroverted and have no qualms with doing this, but it's not for everyone
At least it would help balance the mind numbing feeling of hopelessness that a pure internet job search gives

- Have you ever considered learning framing as a way to break into art stores?
Not sure if there is much of a demand for this in this sour grapes economy, I don't know

- Summer get away... make it a working get away
I worked at many Parks out west this way
The employee housing is usually the pits, but it's a way to have a fun paid break
Most lodges inside the parks or out have gift store positions
This is VERY temporary idea.. and could leave you in a lurch come fall

- Would going back to the friend that needed you to do that hellish commute to the other music store be an option (this doesn't sound like a very good idea even as I type it)

- Nantahala Outdoor Center is 3 hours west of Charlotte
It is truly a magical place and they are hiring now for summer season, they have VERY basic employee housing

[SiouzQ.]

Thank you for the suggestions, mtnlaurel, all good food for thought.

Most of the retail jobs I've had throughout the years have resulted in going around to small, independent boutique-type places where the pace is slower, more relaxing and more personable. That is the only way I know how to do retail, though I once was a visual merchandiser for a large department store chain at one point. I ended up really disliking working for a corporation and being forced into the "box" everyday and having to follow all the myriad rules and regulations and having to toe the company line, no matter how stupid it seemed. For a quirky, non-conformist person like me, that ends up being really hard because I get cynical and frustrated (which, now that I think of it, I am anyway). But on the opposite side, working for very small businesses is fraught with its own unique set of problems, such as when the economy takes a downturn, or the owner has dementia...

I am having so much trouble getting my mind to wrap around a new way of thinking about how to get a different job. I have been in this weird, just-scraping-by, no career aspirations pattern for so long I don't know how to get out of the box I have put myself in. I know I have talents and skills by now, but I have no idea how to sell myself "out there" in the real world. Here is a brief history about how on ended up not really having a "career."

When I was married and got pregnant, my then husband was in law school and I assumed (wrongly, as it turned out) that he would bring home the "major bacon" at some point and I would be able to work on my art career while taking care of the house and family. Well, things turned out so vastly different than that scenario (he ended up becoming severely mentally ill); we got divorced when our daughter was 1 year old and I ended up on welfare for a little while. In the early years I was a self-employed figure skating instructor (pretty low-income but I made it work with the help of my mom, my ex-MIL, and lots of scholarships and grants for childcare) until my daughter was school-age. Then I worked in the department store as a visual assistant for a few years, until I injured my back quite badly. After I left there, I managed/ran a very small bead store for 9 years, which was a very nice relaxing atmosphere (but not without a few problems with the owner). In 2009 when the economy tanked, my hours were cut and I was walking around town looking for some part-time work and went into the guitar store were I had started taking lessons a few years back and walked out with a part-time position which then turned into full-time 2 years ago. And that is how I came to be where I am at today...I have never had trouble finding a job before and now I'm finding myself questioning, dissecting and berating myself for decisions I've made in the past, about being complacent about my "career" and my skill levels, etc. The whole time I was a single parent was mired in constant stress about money and keeping a roof over our heads, dealing with a very ill-ex husband who couldn't pay child support, the visitation issues, homelessness on his part, him being arrested for various things, jail time, mental hospitals, etc...and when my daughter turned thirteen I had to relive all of that over again with her as she acted out, ran away, and got involved in hard drugs. During this time I was employed by the bead store and it provided the safe haven and flexibility I needed in order to deal with her problems. I think if I had been at a regular corporate job I would have been fired because of all the time off I had to take in order to deal with things going on at the home front.

So all that lead me to where I find myself today ~ my daughter is doing well, I have no contact with the ex since she turned 18 (they live about a mile from me) and I now have a chance to do the proverbial "creating a new life" for myself. And I still have not the slightest idea how and where to start, only that I feel a HUGE lump of paralyzing fear taking over, engulfing me really. I am trying to be brave and my new mantra is "act as if" I have a direction, "act as if" I know more than I think I do, "act as if" I really have it together. I think it really is going to have to be an act just to make it through this rough spot because if I don't, I'll never leave the house and I certainly don't want to be like that.

Thank you to all who may be reading this and taking the time out to respond...it helps me to lay it all out and try to sort through where the fear is coming from. Now if I could just put this fear and the nervous energy it puts off to good use in order to move forward...

[puglogic]

SiouzQ, I get through those moments by doing one small thing every day. One tiny little microscopic thing that might take 15 minutes. I can do it even if I don't believe in it, even if I'm convinced it means nothing. This really is a game of "act as if".

One tiny thing you could do is check out one of the things redfox suggested above from the library, getting an audiobook. You can get it through interlibrary loan if your branch doesn't have stuff. Sometimes, even if I'm feeling completely lost, listening to someone else's kind, wise, helpful voice in my ears allows me to make progress. I once went through an entire day with "When Things Fall Apart" playing in my headphones, and I think it might have been the only thing that kept me from going off the deep end.

I'm doing this program in May http://the30daychallenge.com/offer/ because it takes something you want to do (get a job, make a business, whatever) and breaks it down into small, easy-to-convince-yourself-to-do pieces, and by the end of the month you've made real progress on getting where you want to get. Plus, the feedback and conversation helps you not feel like you're all alone in this. It was my experience the first time I did it, anyway.

Do one small thing today. Tiny, tiny thing. And speak kindly to yourself inside your head. If that inner voice starts sounding like a snarling b**ch and criticizing you, shut it up like you would someone who was snarling at someone you love. Pinch yourself, say "Shut UP" out loud, whatever it takes to shut her up and let a calmer, more loving voice be heard.

[SiouzQ.]

Thank you...

Geez, I just cannot stop the flood of tears today...it's so hard to allow myself to have feelings because once I start I am so afraid that I won't be able to move past them. But I'm going to, because I am going to "act as if" because I got things to do today ~ I am going to take my old platinum wedding band to the consignment shop to see if I can sell it and pad my savings account more, I am finally getting a little hair trim later (I haven't cut my hair since last May when I chopped it off really short) and the acoustic duo is finally going to practice tonight for the first time since January.

Oaky, the flood stopped...for now...

[JaneV2.0]

You might get more money for the ring if you sell it to a reputable precious metals buyer. Don't consignment shops usually take a hefty cut? Get estimates.

Do follow your heart in this matter and don't get sandbagged by other people's ideas of what you should do.

[SteveinMN]

I now have a chance to do the proverbial "creating a new life" for myself. And I still have not the slightest idea how and where to start, only that I feel a HUGE lump of paralyzing fear taking over, engulfing me really. I am trying to be brave and my new mantra is "act as if" I have a direction, "act as if" I know more than I think I do, "act as if" I really have it together. I think it really is going to have to be an act just to make it through this rough spot because if I don't, I'll never leave the house and I certainly don't want to be like that.
Ahh, if only I could invent eyeglasses that could let us see the future half as accurately as we all can see the past! :)

SiouzQ., there is little value in dwelling on actions you took in past days. You made the best decisions you could at the time with the information you had. And, really, things have turned out alright: your daughter is doing well, you're alive and not living on tins of cat food, and you're still looking to improve your life. All good!

You've been talking about making several big changes at the same time. Feeling fear (or at least having reservations about the unknown) should not be surprising. Perhaps the step to take first is a step back. Give yourself some room to think. Take that long vacation out west. If you can't do that and hold your current job, then maybe that's the nudge you need to quit. Let your mind get off the daily hamster wheel (this can take a couple of weeks by itself; it does for me). Then let your inner self tell you what it is you really want from your life.

You might be surprised at the answer. You may have this aha! reaction, this flash of insight. Or your subconscious may knit together most or all of the experiences of your life into the story of Who SiouzQ. Really Is. Neither one may match the image others have of you -- or the one you think others have of you -- so be it.

You really need to identify that first, because, without that, being untrue to yourself eventually will stop you because you can't sustain the energy you need. Once you've got a handle on it, you can investigate how to derive an income from it. Then you can employ your "act as if" mantra.

If, say, you realized that you really enjoyed expressing yourself in writing, maybe you should become a writer. Then you "act as if" you were a writer. Heck, you are a writer. You do what writers do. You write things -- you journal, you tell others' stories in print or on the Web, ... You learn more about the business of writing. You refer to yourself as a writer; maybe have a few business cards printed out. You meet with other writers to discuss problems or share projects or even life's victories. You can be a beginning writer. Or a writer moving to a new area of writing. But you are a writer, and you do what writers do.

I'll admit that I don't know you that well. But I think you're willing to think hard about what it is you want and now is a good time in your life for that rumination. Take the time. Get out of your rut and then think about which direction you want to follow. Belief in yourself is a critical part of all of this. You can do it!

[iris lily]

OP for some reason I think you really should jump into the void. I am financially cautious, but when it's you and only you to support, as it is, I advocate adventure! Just up and leave. You've been taking care of kids and hubby for 20 some year. Now you don't have that responsibility and it's you time to do something different. I don't see how staying where you are gets you any better job than taking off for greener pastures.