View Full Version : Saying goodbye to a child and setting them free...
Our oldest daughter (20), embarked upon a life-altering adventure this past weekend, one that we hope will allow her to see her dreams and goals full-filled. We drove her to Vancouver BC, where she will be staying with family and working until summer, at which time we will be going back to whisk her away once again, taking her to the Island, where she will be attending UVIC (University of Victoria), to enroll in an Academic Degree in Nursing, which DD hopes to apply (as a stepping stone) to a career in Pediatrics.
My heart really hasn't been into much since saying goodbye to her. I'm feeling really lost right now, disinterested and disconnected with the world. But that isn't why I posted this thread this morning.
What I was hoping to accomplish in posting about this, was to hear from others who have let-go of their older children. I'd like to hear what sorts of trials and tribulations you went through. How it effected you, etc.
To add. One thing I really notice (DH, too), is the void, now that DD is no longer here. We're a family of eight, and I would have never dreamed that removing just one person out of a family of eight, would have such an impact, but it most certainly does. Everyone in the house is feeling a little blue right now, particularly the boys (the youngest two). They cried really hard. So did DD.
We haven't said anything as of yet, and plan on keeping it a surprise, but when we go back to get DD in July, we're going to take the boys with us.
Aww. I'm sorry you're feeling so blue. It is a big change. Even though it's a good change there's still some grief for the chapter that has now passed. I can totally understand what you mean by 'the void'.
I don't know if it helps any but I was happy and sad and feeling guilty about being happy when my Son 'left the nest'. It's hard to step back and let go of Their World and let them run it now.
You did good. Give it a while and you'll settle in to a new routine.
Cecilia
Hugs Mrs. M! I have never been through that so I have no advice, but I can imagine its hard. Feel better!
I certainly have been through that. And the first time definitely is the worst. (Well, followed second by when the last leaves).
I remember vividly when my oldest DS left. This was during our tough family times (we had a few). He was 18, and wanted to spend a year in Vermont as a ski bum. He was all set to go--he had a beat-up Suburu and no money. Well, I didn't have any money, either. I brought him to the train station and all I had was $5, which I gave to him. $5!!! Can you imagine how bad I felt that I couldn't do more to ensure a safe passage? But he was all cheery, and looking forward to his big adventure, and we had hugs and smiles and tears and off he went.
It was hard. In my diary I wrote, "...A dark weekend. A seemingly benign day with a chilly cloud cover. J-- left home. I hang on to the moment when I dropped him off at the train station and waving goodbye he said, 'I love you guys!' At least he said that. I'm grateful for any and all expressions of love we've been able to give one another over the years, regardless of how impoverished we've been in other ways."
But you move on, and when you see that they are doing stuff that is meaningful to them and is helping them grow, it's easier to let go. And take heart, because they DO come back! BTW, my son kept that $5 in his wallet for years. Now he's 33, and living fairly close by working at Rutgers University and also going to Rutgers Law School. He's very present in my life, even though he has his own life hopping right now.
Mrs-M, I know exactly how you feel.. Remember how lucky you are to be able to love so much.
So nice hearing from you, CeciliaW. I think where I allowed myself to go wrong, was in not really ever giving much thought to this day. Seemed the babies kept coming, and I was so preoccupied with the day-to-day goings-ons in our home, that the day of having to let go and release a child into the real world seemed a hundred years away.
Seems like it's one of those things that we can't really prepare ourselves for in advance. Over the past few days I have thought to myself (again and again), "what should I have done, started thinking/fretting over this day when DD was still in her crib, and me standing over her changing her pants or giving her a bottle"? Yet, as unrealistic as that may sound, I sort of wish I had placed more emphasis on this day as I sat out back on the patio chair, cigarette in hand, taking my hourly breaks from the daily duties and chores of family life. I thought of everything under the sun on those breaks, but never about letting go... Silly, isn't it.
Maybe, for some of us (like myself), we don't want to think about letting go, thinking our children will always be under our watchful and caring and loving eye. I think that's me. Holding onto the past too tight.
Occasionally I'll talk with someone or another, or come across an article or story pertaining to those who have reached a point in their lives where they are faced with becoming "empty-nesters". Never fails to strike me as being such a magical time, a chance to let go of everything and for the first time in ones life, concentrate on all things "you", but now that the empty-nester cycle has begun it's phase in our house, I'm struggling with it, and so far, find nothing happy or magical about it at all.
The grandparents are absolutely thrilled. Probably more proud than anything, giving them something new to brag and talk about (I'm sure). But, however happy others are about it, it was different thirty years ago (letting go). In a lot of cases, children stayed close to home after moving out. They found a job, got married, raised families, and were never far away, today however, times have changed. People have to move away in a lot of cases in order to better themselves.
Another thing I've been struggling with due to this life-altering event, is coping with how fast time/life passes-by. I can't say I feel older because of it, but it definitely reminds me of how time waits for no one. I feel as though I've been given a sedative, keeping me in an induced fog-like state. I'm not hearing anything right now, I'm not aware of much, nor am I the faintest bit interested in doing anything. My giddy-up-go, has all but got up and left...
I hope I, too, can come around full-circle, in the weeks/months to come. Thanks for the chat CW.
domestic goddess
4-22-12, 3:24pm
I wish I could tell you what it feels llike to let one go, but I can't. Mine won't leave the nest entirely! She feels a need to keep one foot in. And I guess I enable her.
DD is an only child. When she left the family home, it was done in kind of a sneaky way and I didn't have the chance to celebrate with her and her SO. And it happened in the first year after my dh died, so maybe I wouldn't have felt like celebrating, but I was looking for ways to start moving on. Anyway, she, dsil and dgd1 lived with us and were there when dh died in the autumn. By summer, they had found a house and had done all the paperwork to buy it. When I went home for a week to visit my mother, they moved out. I had no idea! they had mentioned they were looking at houses, but I didn't know it was that imminent. I was a little shocked when I got home. But of course they called and visited, and needed a babysitter for dgd1, so I was quickly back in the fold. Then dgd2 came along and they needed a sitter more than ever. Eventually I moved in with them because it was getting too costly to keep driving back and forth, as well as too time-consuming. They also needed some financial help, since no one at the bank bothered to tell them that their liittle house in the 'burbs was probably too expensive for the sometimes erratic paydays of those in the construction industry. So now we are all one big, mostly happy, family again, with the addition of a friend of theirs who also lives with us.
It takes time. When I first found myself totallyalone, I thought I would love it, but surprisingly, I didn't. You aren't totally alone, but it will take some time before the hole in your family doesn't feel so big.When you find that you will still keep in touch, and she will come home to visit, the hole will get a little smaller. I don't think it will ever go away completely (how would I know?), but like any loss, after awhile, you get used to it. Your kids will grow up and want their own lives. Just keep busy (I know you will!) and things will be better. Your remaining at-home family will continue to need you. Hang in there!
Thanks, Stella. All I have to say to you is, enjoy the times you have with your little ones and make the most of it (each and every single second of it). Make it really count, because as much as us loving moms would love for it to last forever, it doesn't...
Thanks for the story, Catherine. I'm a mess right now, my emotions once again getting the better of me... I haven't been able to stop crying. It's so hard trying to control ones emotions and not allowing them to overshadow and take the place of someone else's happiness, because I know DD is really happy right now, albeit, she, too, is feeling sad and lonely/homesick, but knowing she's living a dream definitely helps take a little of the hurt out of it.
As selfish as this may sound, before the grandparents pledged to cover much of the education costs, I was actually somewhat relieved, thinking I didn't have to worry over anyone moving far away. I feel awful saying that. Maybe if I had moved away (myself) when I finished-up schooling and established a career for myself, I may have been able to bring to the table, a stronger sense of control and understanding Re: this venture.
As you say, the first time around is probably the most difficult and hardest, and there's not a doubt, this first time around has hit me extra hard.
Thank you for the story, Domestic Goddess. Sometimes I tend to believe that I know everything, not really, at least not in the real true sense of knowing everything, but you know what I mean, and then life's trials and tribulations (like this one) blindside me and make me realize I have a whole lot more learning to accomplish.
Becoming a mom definitely made me learn lots about myself I probably would have never known, learned, found out. Reflecting on years past, I remember there being days when all seemed to fall apart at the seems, and no matter how hard I tried, seldom was I able to close the seam up again. I'd think to myself, "Gee, it will be so nice when the kids are all grown and out on their own". Well, I'm there now and surprise- surprise, not so...
Something else I used to think about, having a house-full of kids, and whether or not it would be a good thing for me or a bad thing. I wanted kids, that much I knew, and I wanted to be able to stay home and raise them, but how was I going to fair being tied down to the confines of a house full of crying little babies (day after day)... I believe being exposed to stat-at-home motherhood, sort of set me up for failure (what I'm feeling right now), because I was never away from any of my kids for more than an hour or two, or an evening at a time. In many ways I really do think that made me a weaker person than say a mom who worked outside the home each day, or possibly set herself up on vacations away, in order to take a rest.
Twenty-plus years ago, if you would have asked me, "are you looking forward to the day where you can be alone and do your own thing", I more than likely would have answered with an enthusiastic, "absolutely", but because I was thrust into an environment with lots of people around (all the time), I believe that definitely altered my old way of thinking, making me realize that I need people (particularly family) around me at all times (and more so than I even knew I needed them). I'm positive that comes by way of knowing I was relied upon for so many years by so many, and , knowing that everyone needed me for one thing or another (or for multiple things). I think that grew on me.
I appreciate your words a lot, along with everyone else's. The next while will be a dark time for me (I know), but maybe all the spring flowers and sunshine will help shower me with happiness again. I'm hoping so...
I was sitting across from my grown dd the other evening while out to dinner together. She was going on and on about her career, her house, her problems etc and I couldn't help but stare at this interesting person across from me and wonder who she was. It was as if she was so familiar and yet so much her own person. In those few seconds, I tried to recall her as a baby, a child and it no longer came to me. I know it happened way back when but now that part is gone. And that's fine - it just takes a while to accept when they first leave but oh so worth it to watch them lead successful lives later on.
IshbelRobertson
4-22-12, 5:47pm
I was the child of an British army family. I was sent 'home' to school at the age of 12. Spent summer holidays in various parts of the 'Commonwealth' where my Dad was stationed, including the Middle East, Far East and other places.
I met, and married, someone who's job took us around the globe. My family also had to go 'home' to school and university. Many, many UK families have the same story....
Well, a big warm hug to you, Mrs. M. You are always so gracious in giving them out you deserve many many back.
When my first left the nest, it was to go into the Marines. It was hard because I knew this was the first step on a journey that would eventually send him to war. He did go to war, came back intact, and is now finishing up his 2nd year at a university we could not afford if weren't for the GI Bill. He will be spending the summer with us doing an internship. It will be odd because my youngest son graduates high school in May so when they both leave in the fall to go to school I expect I will have to make some adjustments.
My middle son (for those of you who remember I have 3) also joined the Marines. And he is at war right now. Most days I'm ok. There are a few that I'm not.
This parenting thing takes its toll sometimes.
No advice other than to say just be easy with yourself. It is hard but necessary because as I keep telling myself, what's the alternative? I don't ever want my children to think that they are making me sad by growing up, partly because I want them to be proud of their accomplishments as adults and partly because I don't want to them think I want them to stay little forever. Because then they will live with me and want me to support them and really - I am ready to transition to the next phase of parenting.
No advice or any words of wisdom, just big hugs to you.
I cannot imagine what this is like. Just thinking about it with little Hawk makes me feel sad. And he's only 4. I can feel that there will be a time when I have to set him free, and maybe he'll be home on weekends, or come to dinner once a week, or chat on Skype (or whatever exists then). Or maybe he won't. I do not know.
I just know that I love him a whole lot. And I don't doubt that my parents feel the same way about me (and him).
Bless.
Thinking of you. I haven't experienced this kind of separation (no children) but appreciate your courage and love for your daughter.
We are a family of three. Our son is our only child, he is 18 years old and attends a college that is 1000 miles away from home. He works the summers in our state at a Conference center that is an hour and half away. He is resident staff so he lives there and there is no cell or internet service on the mountain. We see him two weeks when he gets home in May, two weekends over the summer when he's not working and can come home for a day or two, four days before he heads to school in August and three weeks at Christmas.
When I look into his tidy bedroom (normally piled high with books) and I see his bed perfectly made bed (usually littered with sheet music) and listen to the silence (he's always singing, playing his guitar, listening to a lecture... speech or sermon on his computer) I do miss him a little bit. However, after about two weeks at home I'm ready to have my quiet and uncluttered home back. I'm ready to have that quiet time with my husband where we can freely talk about anything and everything.
This is how it's supposed to be. He's managing well on his own, he's finding himself and is learning to navigate the world without us leading the way. He's made some mistakes but that's all a part of the learning process. I still fret when I see him fall and cheer when I see him pick himself back up and that will never change no matter how old he is. Seeing him grow in knowlege and confidence through the good and bad feels good. I take pride in knowing that he's out there doing it, he's becoming his own man.
Dh and I decided a long time ago that we would be focused on our relationship during his high school years so that when he left home our lives would be focused on building our relationship, not on loosing him to the world of college. We are focused on our hopes for the future, discussing right sizing and dreaming a bit. We spend time enjoying the things in life we used to not give ourselves permission to do like attend jazz concerts, having dinner at fancy restaurants, driving into the big city for the day or spending a long weekend up in the North Country. Because we are now empty nesters our lives are more care-free, so our experience won't be the same as yours where you still have kids in the house and are still in full-time parenting mode.
Hard yet comforting thread to read through.
My parents were good about encouraging my brother and I do to summer trips and jobs away from home during our high school years and I'm hoping to be as encouraging about that to my sons.
One is looking at a Science/Math High School/College program that is 6 hours away so I may 'lose' him to college a little earlier than expected (he'd be doing his Jr/Sr years of high school while living on a college campus also getting an associates degree in the same two years).
I'm considering going back to school myself, I tell myself that if I'm spending my time worried about my own grades then I won't worry about their college years as much. My own mom went back to nursing school while my brother and I were both in college.
Mrs. Hermit
4-23-12, 10:35am
I've launched 3 (2 who live across the continent from us), have one that launched 3 times now; but is currently home to while working on a degree; one that will leave in the fall for college, and a high schooler. When the first left is was hard--he took off for a foreign country with a friend. His absence and his difficulties made me worry a lot. But having the other 5 at home helped sooth me after a bit, as did time, proof that he could make it on his own. When he found a girl to marry, we were able to simply celebrate with them. It just seemed so natural, like that was his next step. The next child was harder to launch--I think it is that way with girls. We had all depended on her so much in the household. And she stumbled some. We got some heart wrenching long-distance phone calls. We tried to comfort her the best we could, and she learned to make a go of it on her own. Now she is doing well, making a great life for herself. #3 has had 3 failed launches so far--one was long enough that I got rid of the bedroom furniture the week before he called to inform us he needed to come back! Now he is in a degree program, and is old enough that I'm having to figure out how to have a child at home who is an adult with his own life. Lots of learning there! #4 is at college, and probably won't be home again (program requires summer school). We drove in to celebrate her birthday. She has become quite a young lady. This time round I felt comforted when I saw her, not sad. I didn't even cry when we said goodbye. #5 starts residential college in the fall. I will cry, but the blues won't last too long. I've been through it enough to know that now. One thing that helps is as he is getting closer to leaving, I have started planning what the household routines will be without him here. How will we accomplish this chore that he does now--that type of thing. With my last in high school, I decided to go back to school myself. It is true, having your own grades to worry about does give you something to "lose yourself" in.
I think an awareness that our time of intensive mothering comes to an end can help us prepare not only ourselves but our children for that time to end. But mothering never really ends: it just changes modes. They will still need us, just in different ways. We've seen that kind of change in our relationships before: from diapering needs to potty training mode to preschool mode, to grade schooler needing help, to teenager needing an anchor... all those changes we've already been through. This is just the next step. Yeah, it is different, yeah it feels more final because of them not being IN our house any more, but it really is just the next phase of mothering! As a grandmom now I'm still mothering: mothering the gdds, mothering their mom and dad, it just goes keeps going on.
Dear Mrs. M, If you don't launch them, how on earth are they going to marry and produce all those darling grandchildren??
We were living overseas when my son graduated from high school. Although many of his friends elected to stay in Europe a few more years, our son wanted to come back to the States to go to school. This kid always was so much bigger than his surroundings and needed to do this, even though it killed me to admit it. I just tried to be as enthusiastic as I could, and at least act as thrilled as he was. The hardest part was bringing him back to the states, then getting on that plane back to Europe. He looked so small, and lonely, waving to us as we drove off from the campus, and he was...for about 2 days! Then he met lots of people, joined in to lots of activities, and never looked back!
I'm kidding of course, just a little. I know he missed us because he always was, and still is, a family oriented kind of guy. But I was so proud of him for being that brave. I don't think I could have done that at 18. He really did get involved and flourished, and managed quite well on his own, but I'm sure knowing we were behind him, cheering him on, helped.
He lives in California now, and will always be a Californian forever. He does visit a couple times a year, when work permits, and those times are always precious, but it's easier to wave goodbye as he goes back home each time. But I guess the point is, they are supposed to grow up and leave home. Some go just down the street and some go across the country, but it's the natural order of things. I know that doesn't give you comfort today, I know exactly how sad you feel. But in a week or so, think of this. You have done such a splendid job, and such a complete job, of raising your daughter, she has everything she needed to imagine, and execute this most wonderful plan. Remember the child, and the fun times you had, but take joy in this woman that you helped create. There is a certain pleasure and thrill when they call you with little successes, in school, or career, and you kind of think to yourself, 'yea, i did that!'
On a practical side, it really helped me to put together little 'care' packages for my son. It was fun keeping an eye out for little things, candy or books or whatnot, to pack in a box and send to him. At first I sent him one about once a month, then it dwindled to about every other month.
You will feel better. I can guarantee that. And you will become so proud of your daughter, you will actually be glad she launched out to become this wonderful woman.
domestic goddess
4-23-12, 3:24pm
Sometimes we parents are perverse creatures. We work so hard to be sure they have the skills and discipline needed to leave the nest. We worry that we are teaching them the right things. We look forward to the day when we will get more than a fragment of our lives back and, when that time finally comes, we are sad to see them go, we want to keep them with us. A benefit is that once they are gone for awhile, we will find that we relate to them as friends and equals, rather than as the babies they once were. And that is a good thing. It's okay to miss them; we all missed our parents when we were first on our own, even if we didn't go far away. And your dd will miss you, though sometimes she may just be too busy to admit it. Or afraid that actulally saying it will lead to a flood of tears on her part.
Your days will get better, and the nights will, too. You have done your job; now give you dd a chance to do hers. It all evens out. Someday she may have children, and at some point she will be right where you are today. Then you can reassure her that this is all normal, and that things are working out the way they should. Then one day she will do the same for her children, and so on, and so on...
Gardenarian
4-23-12, 3:46pm
Mrs. M, your daughter is so very lucky. What a warm, loving family you have!
I have not been where you are (my only dd will be turning 13 soon and that seems like a big milestone to me!) I have been in your daughter's position, and I must say I wish I had been missed and adored the way she is!! My parents couldn't wait to see the back of us kids.
Hugs and blessings to you all.
Sorry you're feeling blue Mrs. M, but it will pass. What choice is there, right? We now have 2 out of 3 out of the nest and flying around on their own. What feels a little lonely now is quickly replaced by getting to discover part of the world all over again through their adventures. Of course we told our kids, "don't let the door hit you in the butt on the way out!" Poor DD2, last kid at home, getting far more attention than she wants right now. Probably has a complex of some kind from overhearing all the strategic planning between DW and me regarding the day she's off to college!
Mrs. M, it certainly sounds like you've done all the right things and you have to trust that all will work out well. I don't have kids, nor do I intend to, but I well remember my mother 22 years ago. I'd just graduated from college, flew home, and was picking up the used car my parents were giving me before driving off across the country to the summer internship I'd arranged (and who knows what else after that was over). Literally leaving the next day. The night I'd arrived mom asked if I had any ironing to be done and I said "Yes, just a few shirts" and pulled out a stack of about 15 shirts. The next morning I woke up and she was feverishly ironing this crapload of shirts. (since I'd never ironed anything more than a handkerchief I had no idea how long all these shirts would take to iron. She'd probably set her alarm to get up early and take care of it.) Then she walked me out to the car (with all my freshly pressed shirts!), told me she was proud of me and that she was sure I'd be just fine. At the time I sensed that it was a tough thing for her to say but I was too excited about starting my new life to really worry about it much. In hindsight I can see how difficult it was for her to watch me drive away knowing that I would truly sink or swim on my own at that point. Thankfully I swam. I'm sure that you, like my parents all those years ago, have done plenty to prepare your daughter to take care of herself in the real world. As tough as I'm sure it is, at this point you just need to let go and let her take care of herself. It may be bumpy for her at first, but I'm sure she'll let you know if she really needs help.
Mrs. M... hugs to you at this emotional time. I've been dreading it myself since realizing how quickly these years with my daughter are flying!
Having read all the things you do on these forums for years, I am certain that your daughter is very well-prepared to not only succeed on her own, but to teach those around her how to live well. Congratulations to you!
I've launched three. The first was hard, the last was hardest. The one in the middle rebounded for a little while but they are all out there on their own now. I am very appreciative of my adult children and work hard to make adult relationships with them. It is not the same, will never be the same as before, but I am glad of that. I see what happens when parents cannot stop treating their adult children like children.
It is good to notice your sadness and the sense of loss and it is also good to see what shows up, new, in your life when you make some space for it. And to think about what lovely opportunities your DD is going to experience! Good for her to go off to nursing school. And it speaks volumes to me that she is interested in pediatrics....all those children at home made a big impact on her. All those children and the loving care they need and receive in your home. Good work, mom, in raising a compassionate daughter.
All 4 of my kids are adults but the youngest is still in college and the second youngest is at home after completing college. She works hard at 2 jobs but is always saying how concerned she is about the fact that she is 22 and still doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. I always tell her that I'm 57 and I'm still trying to figure out what do with my life. So I guess we are "wait and see" regarding the paths the two of them will take.
Regarding my older kids (early to mid 30s) I believe their lives are deeply instructive in the lessons of letting of go and being surprised by the results. I always tell people that I knew since they were little girls that one of them would be a powerful government official or politician and the other one was going to be a devoted and loving mother.
I was completely right but completely wrong.
My oldest daughter (who always detested children and spent her teen and young adult years working on political campaigns and social issues) is now a devoted mother of two who works part time just so that she can be more involved in my grandchildren's lives. Her life revolves first and foremost around being a good mother.
My second daughter (who is one of the most maternal people I've ever met, and who had no interest at all in government or politics) is a very, very successful and powerful government official, with no kids.
Yah never know. Let them go and the rewards will come back tenfold. Just don't be surprised when the story they write for themselves are very, very different from the ones you expect.
All of your well-wishes and caring thoughts are so calming and comforting to me. I'm going to keep this thread short today, because today is the first day I've had dry eyes. I will revisit again in days to come. Thank you so much everybody.
No words of wisdom just a big ((((((hug)))))!!!
Oh how I would have loved to have a mother who missed me when I was gone! (rather than impatiently waiting for me to leave...at 17)
Bless you, Mrs. M.
I am not a mom, but have always loved the poet Kahlil Gibran's piece about Children (from The Prophet). "You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth." Something about that imagery -- the beauty and pride and sadness of finally letting them fly into their own future -- always stuck with me.
Hugs,
Pug
puglogic, I so agree with you on the Kahlil Gibran piece--MY mother turned me on to Gibran, and for my college graduation her gift to me was a copy of The Prophet stuffed with little clippings about life that she had torn out of magazines and newpapers throughout the years. I treasured that book.
So, here is the poem in its entirety (and again, puglogic, thanks for bringing it up):
On Children
by Kahlil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Mighty Frugal
4-25-12, 8:59pm
This thread is breaking my mother heart. My kids are 6 and 7 and I know that day is just around the corner. I am truly savouring their childhood and I hope I am strong as all of you (including you Mrs. M) when my boys are ready to spread their wings and fly. Then I will participate in so many clubs and groups.
I suppose we have to remember that this is the way it should be
hugs to you Mrs. M
And Catherine, your $5 story made me cry! How wonderful he kept it for years
Nothing to add really except that I am from Victoria and went to UVIC and it is a small, manageable and pretty safe campus. And Vancouver and Victoria are great towns. That is where I spent most of my young adult years.
Give yourself a nice, warm pat on the back for letting go. As a psychotherapist for many years, I met or heard of many mothers who clung to their children like a life raft and crippled them. I once worked under the supervision of a therapist who was devastated when her 28-year-old son left home. (My own parents would have cried if I *hadn't* left home by then, God bless 'em.) He was apparently so suffocated by their relationship that he took off for a monastery on the West Coast where no women were allowed. She continued to hang onto her daughter who was wavering about finishing college or staying home with Mommy instead.
I've never had children so I can't offer you much empathy, but I must say from your posts that you and your husband seem to have been exceptionally good parents. Be patient and gentle with yourself - this is a major life change - and take comfort in that you have raised your children to be decent, independent adults.
I think it is a great comfort to know that your children are doing well. That's the other side. It's going fast, this childhood thing, but I also believe that my son will be so well and happy when he's grown up. :)
Tussiemussies
4-26-12, 6:55am
Hi Mrs. M,
I can imagine how hard it is for you --and your daughter also. When I got married and moved out of my hometown to a town ,a half hour away I felt depressed for awhile. The change in my status of being the oldest sister close to home around my family, to a married woman now in a foreign place was really a mourning time for me in the cycle of the changes in life.
It to me seems like a big change when your child that you have nurtured and loved for so many years will be leaving home. Of course you will always love each other. I think it is normal to have grief around it, it also sounds very healthy that the boys cried and can show their intimate feelings with you.
Hope you get a little extra tlc now. Big hugs for you -- Christine
Mrs. M., try not to think it of as setting her free, but just having a longer tether. You can still have a great relationship with her.
I know you get tremendous pleasure and satisfaction raising your children and providing them all with a great home life. But one day, they will all be on "longer tethers".
Its a good time for you to develop and nurture some other interests, apart from your kids, or life could get very difficult for you eventually.
Maybe I'm weird, but even though letting my kids go was difficult at first, it was almost freeing for DH and me too. We could now have time to do things we'd put on hold for 20 years.
The internet and cell phones allow us to keep in touch, so much more than when I was just going out on my own.
Planning holidays and special events with children who have moved out is alot of fun too.
Try to not give into that sadness. Be positive about how exciting this is for your daughter. Focus on the many other things in your life that give you pleasure.
Try to tell your kids that are still at home what a cool adventure this is for your DD.
Being a great mother and homemaker is a wonderful thing. I just want you to also realize that you are more than just your children and you have other qualities and interests that you should nourish to make it easier on yourself in the future, when you have an "empty nest".
I am sorry that you feel so blue, Mrs. M. I didn't have time to read all of the posts, but wanted to give you my good thoughts. It is really never the same when the first child leaves and never the same when the last one leaves. There is no escaping the heart-break!
But you have done your best and have given her a good foundation to go forward.
Just wait until she is telling you all of her exciting adventures and know that you have done well.
I'm handicapped for words right now. The kindness, care, and helpful support (and input) has been a blessing, and I thank you all for that. I wish I had something more to offer everyone other than a plain simple, thank you, but I don't.
It's warming to be able to take a nip of one members entry, a nip from another members entry, and so on and so forth, then put it all together to make a comfort soup, a healing broth for the soul. That's what I have done with all the advice and experience all of you so graciously shared.
P.S. It feels so good to catch the warmth and ray of sunshine you all cast upon me. All of your kind words has helped warm me up and cheer me up.
http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=20216856
I know one thing you can do Mrs. M. You can post often on your daughters progress and doings. Sharing your joys with her adventures and successes is just as healing as sharing your sadness at her leaving.
You're so poetic, Mrs. M. It's like cake for my soul. :D
I like your idea, Peggy.
"Cake for your soul", and chicken soup for my soul. :)
My youngest one left for college last fall. My oldest one is still at home. It wasn't as hard when he left as when we went to visit him and realized he'd moved on, which is what I wanted but it was still sad. When my older one moved three hours away we actually talked more our relationship was better and when he came home we had a good time together.
I'm hoping the same holds true in my case, Margene. Today is our first really, really nice day in a long time, so I'm going to make an all out effort to pry myself out of the house for a while and enjoy the weather. Even if I just sit on a lawn chair and listen to the birds sing.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.