View Full Version : Emotions
fidgiegirl
4-22-12, 10:03pm
Been very vaguely thinking about emotions lately, and how people don't want to let other people have their emotions.
Examples: If I get mad, DH gets frustrated with me, wordlessly implying that I should be endlessly patient and whatever. DBiL got very angry at Easter, first time he's ever done that at least in that setting, known hot button & super emotional issue that got pushed, and he blew. He apologized in a very heartfelt fashion the next day, but some in the family are not ready to have contact yet. And so then I am actually doing the same thing that I hate - saying that that they don't have a right to be mad with DBiL. This weekend, I was disappointed that I didn't hear back from a foster family about a dog I inquired about. I know intellectually that there are a million reasons they may not have responded, but I was disappointed regardless. I was trying to talk myself out of being disappointed. "It's the weekend." "He's really cute, he's probably already taken." "They are volunteers, so they maybe haven't had time yet." But you know what? I'm allowed to be disappointed. I am allowed to feel overwhelmed with the house, and allowed to be sad that my job is ending even though I had hoped they would find money to extend the position. Outwardly, I try to be chipper and be thankful that I have a classroom to go back to (especially when they start to go on about how great it's been and this and that - we've been over it a thousand times now), but I am disappointed. I have enjoyed my work very much this year. Then there are the times that I am not negative ENOUGH for someone, like if I feel the boss has made a reasonable request and someone else doesn't, so then I'm not riled up enough for them. Or not so sad that I am crying over someone else's dog dying (I love dogs, but we've had a lot of them, and it just doesn't make me super emotional, especially if it's someone else's dog . . . see there I go justifying!)
I am trying to observe when this happens to me and to others, and also trying to see if it happens more often to women or among women than with men.
Have you seen or experienced this, or do you do it to yourself? Thoughts?
iris lily
4-22-12, 10:33pm
Agreed, people get to feel how they feel.
Your inlaws still being upset with BIL--that is them, not you. Be glad that you got free of resentment toward him early on, your life is better for it. They've got to work through it and it will drag them down until done.
That said, it's a good thing if people we live with have similar feelings about things or at least allow for the other's feelings to be valid, even if not matched. But then, I am often annoyed by people who put "feelings" onto things when those things are not, IMHO, in the realm of "feelings" so I am guilty myself. Your thought about the boss asking for something that riles up others reminded me of today when others lobbied me to get riled up about a flower club event that just didn't rile me up. Sorry. I don't care, and if ya'll DO care then get it changed.
Like Iris said, people get to feel how they feel.
That said, they are your emotions and your responsibility. You can feel something without without emotionally dumping on someone else. That is one of the hallmarks of being an adult. There's this space of social interaction where I think we have a responsibility to consider how our actions and words affect others. It's not just about us.
And in turn, others have a responsibility to extend us the same courtesy. I don't expect sunshine and giggles from other people. I can understand bad days and headaches and disappointment. But you have to find a way to express those things appropriately.
My sis practices observing the feelings arise in herself without judgement; without liking or disliking them. I've been practicing containing myself... Feeling the feelings subtly, while containing my outward expression when with others. It's a personal boundary practice I wish I had started years ago... Or had modeled for me by my family of origin.
I've also been practising managing my reactivity & anxiety. Very powerful.
fidgiegirl
4-23-12, 9:11am
The management of the emotions is not an aspect I would have considered in all of this. Aside from "expressing" (aka dumping, sometimes, admittedly) my emotions or stuffing (aka pretending or denying that I feel them), perhaps my emotional toolbox is a little lacking. Redfox, what is the procedure for accomplishing the observation? Just like when I went to yoga and we just "noticed" whatever was in our heads, without engaging (hard!!!). We had to name it and let it go . . . (hard!!!)
Do people feel the others have a stricter image of how women "should" and "should not" feel versus men?
I am just learning about mindfulness of emotions. I am listening to a Great Courses lecture on the philosophy of emotions so that I truly understand exactly what I am trying to cope with. It is introductory but what I have taken away so far is that emotional responses like grief of anger are different for everyone because we each have so many variables that impact our choice and it is a choice except for fear which is fight or flight based on survival. You don't know your family members variables and they don't know yours so focus on yours and try to understand the variables for your experience.
After understanding this, I find that I am starting to judge less.
...
Do people feel the others have a stricter image of how women "should" and "should not" feel versus men?
Don't you mean "should or should not ACT"?" I thought that we just decided that you are free (the generic you!) to feel however you like!
But how you act on those feelings--that's the key to character.
Over the weekend (again listenting to a lot of NPR as I dig iris) I heard a great program where a guy summarized a LOT of the well known studies about personal success in school, including the Marshmallow Experiment that has turned out to be a solid predictor of adult success. This study puts 4 year old children in a room and measure their ability to delay gratification, and those who can keep from eating the marshmallow with a promise of a greater reward, grow up to have better grades, higher income, more job and social success.
So how does this relate to this thread? Well, I think it is relevant. Delaying gratification by not acting on a desire (an emotion) is one action that controls emotion.
Do people feel the others have a stricter image of how women "should" and "should not" feel versus men?
I actually think it would be the opposite as men tend not to be as outwardly emotional. For example, I came unglued when my dad cried at my sister's cancer diagnoses because my dad doesn't ever cry to express fear and sadness. My mom, she might cry at a sad commercial. It doesn't affect me much. That my dad cried meant that it was real and scary.
I think distinction between the right to have your emotions and the obligations related to how we act on them is a good one. I have the right to be angry, but I don't have the right to yell, for example.
I've been working a lot in the last few years on controlling my emotions. I had a period of time when I was nursing some righteous anger for something someone did to me that really hurt me. Then one day I was thinking about how guarding my "right" to be angry was harming me. It was sucking up valuable time and energy and prolonging the pain I felt. It coloured my perspective on all kinds of things, even trivial things that reminded me of the people who angered me, like songs on the radio or places that made me think of those people. It suddenly didn't seem like a right I cared to exercise anymore.
IL, related to what you said, my revelation that I really didn't want anger to control me anymore sparked my Year of Temperance (self control), where I worked on exercising control over my emotions and my reaction to outside stimulus. It has been HUGELY helpful in making me a happier, more even tempered person. I don't feel like I am at the mercy of my emotions most of the time now. Was it Vctor Frankl (I'm tired and maybe not remembering right) who said the last of the human freedoms is the freedom to choose your reaction? Whoever it was, I think that is true.
Fidgiegirl, my sis is a long time meditator, and that's the skill building upon which she relies to observe her emotions. What you described during yoag is the same baasic thing. Mindfulness!
I've been doing this lately... When I sense an emotion rising, I name it silently, obeserve it's course through my body, and do my best to keep quiet. I can always express it later on once I've had a chance to understand what I want to say that is most meaningful and helpful to the relatonships around me. Easier said than done!
Here is a good mantra...
THINK beore you speak - is it
True?
Helpful?
Inspiring?
Necessary?
Kind?
This might sound kind of off the wall, but it might be a Minnesota thing. I read this book once (can't remember title or author) by this woman who moved to Minnesota from somewhere else, and noticed how people there don't express emotions much. She thought that it was because of the strong influence of the Scandanavian/German/Dutch types who settled there, and are known for being "stoic". I've noticed that my husband's family, especially the older people with Dutch heritage, don't express emotions much. They say things like "I just don't know what to think about that" rather than stating an opinion, and if they're angry they tend to go silent rather than ranting. If you grew up with these "stoic" types, then naturally you might be less comfortable dealing with strong emotions, both your own and other people's.
This might sound kind of off the wall, but it might be a Minnesota thing. I read this book once (can't remember title or author) by this woman who moved to Minnesota from somewhere else, and noticed how people there don't express emotions much. She thought that it was because of the strong influence of the Scandanavian/German/Dutch types who settled there, and are known for being "stoic". I've noticed that my husband's family, especially the older people with Dutch heritage, don't express emotions much. They say things like "I just don't know what to think about that" rather than stating an opinion, and if they're angry they tend to go silent rather than ranting. If you grew up with these "stoic" types, then naturally you might be less comfortable dealing with strong emotions, both your own and other people's.
But we are comfortable dealing with strong emotions--at least our own--in our own way. Just because we aren't chewing the scenery doesn't mean we aren't processing feelings. On the other hand, I'm rarely comfortable with people who might be considered to be "making a scene." (Speaking from beneath my British isles stiff upper lip, and with my usual Teutonic perspective...)
True?
Helpful?
Inspiring?
Necessary?
Kind?
I like this.
I feel what I feel, and rarely question it. I don't allow others to belittle what I feel, or slap me with a whole bunch of dogma about what I should and shouldn't feel....really, it's none of anyone else's business whether I have some kind of textbook justification for feeling angry, or sad, or confused.
But it's what I share, and how, that I am more careful of. It's not that I hide my feelings. But if I think a feeling is worthy of sharing -- and often, it simply isn't -- I most often (these days, forget when I was younger...) choose to just say it, without judgment, without guilt trips, with love if possible, and without expectations that someone else will empathize OR react the way I want them to react. And yes, it's hard. But it works for me, probably because I'm an introvert. I would think it would be a lot harder for an extravert. I don't know any of those who's terribly comfortable keeping things bottled up!
For me, it's so much more satisfying to just say something like, "You know, that thing you said when our friends were here? That really embarrassed me, whether it SHOULD'VE or not, and I really like being relaxed and 'off-guard' when I'm hanging out with friends, so could we agree we're not going to bring that up again?" Or, "You know, I'm sure this isn't what you were hoping to hear this morning, but I'm feeling down in the mouth and I need some time to work my way out of it. So I'm not going to (X or Y or Z) today." If I'm angry, I take a big deep breath, or a hundred, or a thousand, before I allow myself to broach a topic. I love my friends and family and they deserve at least that much from me.
No guilt, no tears, no high drama, just practicing my own self-love by saying 1) This is how I'm feeling, and 2) (optional) This is how I got here, and 3) This is what I'm going to do about it. If someone doesn't respect that, they probably don't belong in my life.
Luckily, I have a lot of people in my life who respond really well to nonjudgmental candor.....or I'd be a hermit by now :)
ApatheticNoMore
4-24-12, 11:48am
I don't think we need to just watch our emotions passively. I think you can go ahead and beat a pillow to a bloody pulp, shadow box, smash an old glass bottle waiting to be recycled, if you can do it safely. But an introverted brain like mine, doesn't go automatically to I feel it therefore I express it to others. And you can mention being angry. But its' just the expression of pure rage that's the problem, I know, and I've done it for sure.
My sis practices observing the feelings arise in herself without judgement; without liking or disliking them. I've been practicing containing myself... Feeling the feelings subtly, while containing my outward expression when with others. It's a personal boundary practice I wish I had started years ago... Or had modeled for me by my family of origin.
This is a central idea in the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It really resonated with me and I've read it over and over again... I've had to, because I find it difficult to be conscious enough to watch my thoughts when I really need to (and this often results in me acting emotionally rather than rationally). It's a terribly difficult skill to master, but, like anything, I suppose it just takes time and perseverance.
Attempting to handle emotions is one of the trickier parts of the human condition!! I completely get where you're coming from.
This is a good discussion for me, because I am historically almost completely unable to recognize and share my feelings. I'm getting better, though! And I do think my most comfortable segue into "feeling the feeling" is to watch it the way mira and redfox have described.
I respond differently to different people. When DH gets angry, I completely withdraw. I know that there is a "Dance of Anger"--I've read Harriet Lerner and I'm completely aware that my response to his filling the room with angry stuff takes the wind out of my balloon and leaves me in a corner all deflated. I know that. Just knowing that makes me better equipped to step up and claim my power.
The other thing I got out of The Power of Now, as mira referenced, is it helps so much if I simply do two things: take myself out of it and take him (or whomever) out of it. So if I can tell myself, "the only reason I'm reacting so strongly is because my ego is being threatened." Just saying that helps me. And, if I also say, "He is not my God. My God is my God"--that helps me realize that he is human, I am human, and so we each have a stake in expressing our feelings.
But this is not easy. I've often reflected that he's the "female" in our relationship and I'm the "male" in that I'm the logical, stoic, stiff-upper-lip in the relationship and he's the weepy, fly-off-the-handle, wounded bird. After 35 years, we've managed to work through those differences, but it's not always easy.
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