View Full Version : kids appointments, what do other parents do?
Howdy all, I wanted to check in on the issue of kids appointments and see how I compare a little. My kids are 15, 18 and 21. The 21 year old lives out of the house but does not have any transportation so her appointments are mostly mine to support, sometimes she can take the bus.
I calculated the number of appointments in the 38 weeks since school started. Between counseling, Dr, and dental appointments I have taken the kids to 30. Tonight we have the dentist so make it 31. I am feeling totally burned out on the mothering deal honestly, all 3 have major dental work we are making progress on but I have had to set limits. So one dental appointment a month, each kid can rotate, this month more of them cannot be helped because we need to get crowns on all the root canals we did over spring break.
At least I can see that much of my mothering burn out is not that I do not love my kids, but the constant juggling my work schedule, making up time, going in extra early or staying late to get the hours, to accomodate these appointments. Maybe all families have this many, but I would like to know.
Wow, that is a lot of appointments!
I only had 2 girls, and thankfully they didn't have too much in the way of dental work that needed to be done. I was single as well, and often in the case of dental, let them drive themselves to their appointments when they were old enough. My dentist office had known them since they were little, so had no problem with them coming in without me. The one girl had her own car at 16 (a beater she bought herself) and she drove herself to most of her own appointments. She did go through some counseling, too, and I gave her the autonomy to take herself through that. I did take them to appointments when they were sick or really needed me there. Guess I was fortunate; we just didn't have too many dental/health issues.
There were others in my office who had frequent appointments for their kids, and they fortunately had sick leave to cover it. But I know many do not. That and having to make up for work-production loss is a hassle, and I understand where you're coming from.
I will fess up right now that I'm not and never will be a parent that is always there to do this kind of thing. If one of the kids (I have 3 also) was sick I got them to the doctor. We were lucky that there were no dental issues that required more than routine visits. By the time my kids were 18 or better my time as a taxi driver was up. They wanted their independence, probably not hard to see why, so I gave it to them. We would pay the bills, but it was their job to get to the appointments. It's one thing if they are really sick and need care, but in my mind a 21 year old should be able get around on her own, car or not. An 18 year old is a little more open ended. Could s/he just borrow your car to go to appointments so you wouldn't have to leave work? Is public transportation available? Rides with friends? A bike? A 15 year old is usually going to need some support to get places. Although, I had one kid who could have gone to Botswana and back at 15 while his sister still struggles to get around town at 24. To her credit, she only calls Dad when its a REAL emergency.
In your situation I would not be taking the 21 year old regularly to appts. It's her work to do. I know that you've said that she is pregnant. I wonder how she thinks she can take care of a baby if she can't even get to Dr. appts. It's a tough tough place where you are, but now is the time to draw a boundary line. She made a choice to have a baby. She needs to step up into that role. You have two minor children and a job that requires you to be there, and your resources have been limited in the many years you've posted here. If you allow your eldest to suck your resources (meaning time, money, energy) that's on you.
I say this, seeing a very similar thing going on with my friends. Their 21 year old daughter is pregnant and she is not a mature 21. She has bounced back home and then out when she has some money, and then back home again. The boyfriend in the picture is nice but is employed sporadically. These two have no plans to get married, they are on again off again, and the 21 year old expects mom and dad to support her and take care of her, bringing in a baby kind of like a kitten. While my friends are financially stable and solid, they were looking forward to a time when their kids are gone. Now my friend is taking care of an elderly, sick parent. Daily care of grandchildren is not in her plan, but I don't see her drawing a boundary line either. It's a tough thing to do!
Thank you all, getting data was my first step in looking at this. I have not been very happy in my momma role for awhile. This helps me see why, and that is good. So the counseling was a huge thing for awhile, the middle kid did have to get there and back on the bus often (I only counted the appointments I went to for this) but dealing with that was part of the reason she was in counseling. It did make life much better, however I recall at least one appointment losing my temper with her and the counselor over this.
The dental, well very bad teeth and over 2 years of thinking their dad was taking them. It sucks, but the last time we postponed for 2 years it was root canals instead of cavities. It won't be forever.
Yes my pregnant daughter who is 21. This is not a good situation. I won't talk about how this will play out but if I am not a happy expectant grandma please forgive me. She does some of them on the bus or a ride from a friend, and I needed this data to show her the schedule of well-baby appointments and that I am not going to do them so she can be realistic.
I appreciate the feedback, and it all helps me see where we can reduce some of my momma stress. ;)
flowerseverywhere
5-1-12, 12:12pm
I can see why you are burnt out- that is a huge amount of appointments. I don't think there is any advice you will hear that you don't already know.
Start taking steps to set limits and boundaries. Baby steps turn into big steps. Your children deserve to be taught to be independent, no matter how hard it is for everyone.
I am sorry you are not the happy expectant grandma but I can see why. It is heartbreaking to see your children do things that will make their lives so difficult.
Short of nipping away at them (one by one), I don't have any specific appointment advice to give you ZG. I do think once a child is in their mid/late teens, non-serious appointments should be visited on their own. Sure, the setup and scheduling is still handled via the parents, but the rest is left up to the child(ren) involved. IMO it helps solidify responsibility and maturity.
I dont have kids but we make all our dental appointments as joint whenever possible to save multiple drives. We just had cleaning and we both went. I also try to schedule during the day to leave early and late appointments for families. Can any of the appointments be combined?
IshbelRobertson
5-1-12, 2:17pm
By the time my children were 18, I expected them to remember to schedule dental check-ups, and if they were ill, to get themselves to the GP's surgery. If they were genuinely ill, then of course I took them, but if it was just a basic checkup... no. In the UK, children become adults at 18. My children went off to University at that age (or took a gap year to go travelling). I think your children are in danger of being mollycoddled! The idea that their Dad was to take them to the dentist? Why? They must ALL have known they hadn't seen a dentist for two years!
Mrs. Hermit
5-1-12, 8:28pm
With six children, we scheduled multiple appointments at the same time. Saved me a lot of driving, and a lot of time away from my work (I was a farmer). Also agree on letting the 21 and 18 handle their own transportation. They are legally adults, even if they don't act like it. Sometimes requiring adult behavior is the only that that will lead to them displaying adult behavior.
Okay I understand I take my kids to a lot of appointments. I am not into martyr motherhood but I would like to not feel bad about it. There are a few reasons my kids could not do this reasonably on their own, honestly the bus is easily a few hours each way. My oldest is partially in her situation (not the pregnancy but the rest of the issues in her life) because she has not made her appointments that are necessary psych ones. I have not done anything, I am pretty sure she has no valid drivers license just because she has not made a phone call. And she is in walking distance of the DMV. Sigh
I really love our dentist but we may need to change. Plus you don't send kids/young adults by themselves for some of the psych issues. I may be reading what I am hearing wrong but it sounds more like this is seen as a issue of mom doing what is obviously unnecessary instead of just the family handling a bad medical year. I just wanted some kind of estimate of how many appointments kids have a year, so 2 dental and 1 physical checkup and then illnesses that need to be treated? I am sure there is some study that someone is doing.
ZG, yes, it's a lot of appointments, but I don't think you can expect kids -- even teenagers and -- to make and keep their own mental health appointments. In fact, you can't even expect some adults to do it! That's how many people with serious mental health issues end up stopping their medications or not getting the treatment they need. As for the multiple dental appointments, honestly, I'd spread it out, too. That's just a lot of dental work and if your kids have genetically bad teeth then it results in a lot more appointments than what those of us with genetically good teeth have to have.
I think the number of medical/dental appointments you've had to make and drive your kids to is definitely a source of added stress for you. Just keep in mind...this, too, shall pass. Hang in there!
I have one child. He's 18 and I have taken him to only two appointments in the past year. Both because he needed to have a proceedure done to his eye (he has a rare eye disorder effecting his left eye that causes progressive blindness) that required someone acompany him. He's been taking himself to most of his appointments since he was 13 years old. Dentist, orthodontist, opthemologist, family doctor, podiatrist and counselor. Either by taking the bus, walking or taking his bike. All appointments have been within 5 miles our of home.
Gardenarian
5-2-12, 3:47pm
Hi Zoe Girl -
I sympathize with your appointment round-up! When my daughter was younger and we first started homeschooling it seemed I never got out of the danged car - park days, play dates, classes, etc.
Now most of her classes take place in town (this is my decision, based on wanting to drive less, have dd walk more, and have her get to know more local folks.) Of course, this only worked once she was old enough to cross the street. Our dentist is only a few blocks away, but I have been limiting the dentist more and more. I make dd brush after every meal and floss nightly. She has had NO cavities since we cut out the dental cleaning. I feel all that scraping does more harm than good. (And I'm not the only one who thinks so - here (http://www.freakonomics.com/2008/03/11/is-tooth-cleaning-a-scam/) is an article on that topic.
Full disclosure: I'm skeptical of most Western medicine. We focus on healthy habits, good food, lots of exercise, and good hygeine - and try to avoid doctors as much as possible. (Still, dd does have braces - absolutely necessary in her case. Too often orthodontia is like plastic surgery for kids. But I digress...)
Other than that, we try to fit appointments around other errands and it is not an issue. But, I've only got the one.
You might take a look at all the counseling appointments. If they are causing your family stress, how helpful are they really? Does your kid need to go every week, or would once a month cover it? Is there an option to have a telephone appointment?
Also think about why this is stressing you out so much. Is the money part of the problem (usually an appointment = $$$.) Is it that you feel your kids should be handling these things themselves? Is it resentment over their behaviour? It seems there is a lot going on here...
That is just part of being a parent. If they need dental work done you really need to take them and not make them wait. The one that moved out is one thing but the others are still your responsibility.
ZG,
Have you articulated with your kids how challenging it is for you to manage all this and tried to get them on board with whatever they can do to make it easier? I know it must be hard especially given the mental health issues involved, but one MAJOR thing you can do for them is model good proactive problem solving, boundary setting and stress management techniques.
If she hasn't done so already, now is a good time for your oldest to be doing some research into what kind of social services she and the baby might have access to. Again, I understand there are probably considerable challenges there, but whatever you can do to model good approaches might be helpful for her. She is soon going to be dealing with way more than just her own issues, and the more she can do to prepare for that the better for everyone.
Whatever you can do to simplify things, even if it means making some changes in where you are getting care, the better. Our dentist just moved to the building next door and I am thrilled! Hospital we usually go to for emergencies and even routine care is a 10 minute walk away. Kids can walk to school, and are now coming home on their own. Beijing is not a terribly easy place to live (took me nearly 2 hours to get home today on public transit -- no taxis available in the Financial district at 5:00 p.m....) so these little things make a HUGE difference in making life more managable/livable.
good luck with it all, and hugs from a mom who sympathizes with the juggling act!
lhamo
Thank you all, I will try to address a few points. Mostly that the appointments have all been necessary and that only a few of them have been reasonable on the bus. I never even thought my kids were allowed to go to the DR or dentist alone honestly. They have always wanted me there for a lot more than writing a copay check. I am a pretty informed consumer so I discuss the things the DR recommends with my child as well. Most all of the time they do what I recommend unless I don't know about a new option.
About the counseling, I don't think anyone really runs to a counselor without cause. In our case it was a serious cause. My son was able to do short counseling since his was a medication issue mostly. We are weaning off medications now as he gets better. My daughter was a chronic run away (to crappy boyfriends house) and a cutter for awhile and was at serious risk of not graduating. She actually just quit counseling and it is fine in my opinion. Don't really want to talk about it since the mental health thing has a lot of opinions about medications, whether people deal with this or not, and stigma.
Based on the feedback I did tell the kids no more appointments for 6 weeks. I am not sure I will totally be able to do that on some things like my oldest daughter. But the dental work probably, the office makes sure I understand how very serious this all is whenever I take them in. And I push back each time, really tell them we need the saturdays that are scheduled 6 months out except for emergencies and they work with me. My oldest is looking more at her options and where she needs support as well, she has had many things change with the father since she got pregnant so she is doing the best she can.
So my stress about this? My job. Even with a schedule that I can flex in the daytime I feel like this is not a good thing at work. I had to push to miss a meeting for one of my son's concerts. I never miss any meetings and have only used sick time 2 times this year to take care of things for kids. My supervisor doesn't have kids, never asks how they are a day after an emergency appointment like testing for strep, and I don't feel like a great juggler at work but someone who has family issues and am worried about possible advancement.
ZG,
This is probably going to sound really harsh, but I think your kids are old enough now to face the reality that you need to put your career first for awhile until you get on more solid footing. Is it a shame to miss your son's performance? Yeah, but if it costs you a valuable promotion or even your job then everyone is up the creek. I have a pretty understanding boss and can usually work flex time when necessary, but I make a point of not asking for it unless it is REALLY necessary. I don't want my boss to think I am taking advantage of things or pushing the boundaries. He has a SAHW who homeschools their kids, and although he's a real mensch I can see that he doesn't like it when the routine is disrupted. And this is working for a place that explicitly states in its HR materials that they value work/life balance. AAAAGH! Frustrating when the time you put in regularly after hours is not really acknowledged and reasonable accomodations that make it easier to manage your work and life are seen as "exceptions."
Good that the dental office is willing to work with you on the Saturday appointments. Might be worth sticking with them until this latest round of treatment is done, at least, just for that purpose.
Is there an urgent care clinic near your home that you could rely on for those more emergent medical issues, like strep testing, etc.?
lhamo
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