My mom and dad...don't know how to deal with them.

[citrine]

My parents had an arranged marriage....got to see each other for 5 minutes and then married. They are totally opposite in personalities, dad is an introvert, frugal, and highly technical. My mom is the social butterfly, loves to shop, and always worries about what "others" think. My childhood was horrible, I witnessed fights, verbal/physical abuse (mom hitting dad), manipulation, having to choose sides...etc.
Since I was able to move out, I have stayed away....in the last few years, having worked on myself, I have started to build a relationship with each of them separately and love them for who they are. My parents bought a big house in a retirement community and bascially live separate lives. My father is a computer programmer and putzes about the house, plays pool, and watches tv. My mother is working a job that she does not want to, not able to travel around the world because my father pays all of the bills.
In the last year, things have come to a head regarding them living together...but neither of them wants to get a divorce...my father does not want to give her half....my mother does not want to give up the lifestyle she is accustomed to. However, both of them want the other to change.
Anyway, my cousin is having a birthday party saturday for her 1 year old daughter...it is my mother's side of the family. When she found out that my father would be driving up with us and coming back the same night....she FLIPPED out....yelling, screaming how she has had to live with an idiot for so long, she hates him, hates how he dresses, does not want to be seen in public with him....awful, awful stuff (we were all on the phone together).
My father just wants to be left alone...to do what he wants to do, he does not have many demands....he is still concerned about leaving enough so my mom will be ok if he goes before her.
My mother is a demon...always has been, nothing is ever enough for her. I don't know how to handle this....two frigging 5 year olds (dad is 67 and mom is 60).
My brother is not talking to my dad based on all the dramatically altered things he hears from my mom...my dad does not have any family here. My mother is on all this medication for high blood pressure. It broke my heart and scared the crap out of me hearing her screaming yesterday....and I felt so bad for my dad.
I don't know what to do....I wish that for their final years, one of them gets some sense and wakes up and applies for a divorce so they can enjoy some years.
Thanks for listening....I needed to vent...:confused:

[catherine]

Citrine.. vent away. Sounds like you have handled it the best you can--just keeping a safe distance without throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

I have nothing to say, but I agree--some people never mature no matter how long they are on this earth. You can't live your parents' lives, just as they can't live yours.

So just continue to do what you are doing and try to ignore the rest. It's their stuff.

[Mrs-M]

I feel sorry for you, Citrine. I don't have anything to offer, other than a warm and thoughtful hug for you.

[Packratona!]

Your dad sounds awesome. His wife is totally out of line. It sounds like he is handling it the best he can.

[sweetana3]

It takes two to make a marriage. You have to be the adult and step back. Try hard not to get involved in their drama because your input is not wanted and will not accomplish a thing. If they ask, tell them you are disappointed and have to maintain a distance due to the drama.

Remember too that they have lived this life for decades (my husband tells me this about his parents who have remained married for 60 years) and whether the kids like it or not, it will be their decision on what to do next. I suspect nothing will ever change. They are each getting something from the marriage and your post details this and until it is not meeting their needs, they will stay and "fight it out". It is a fairly common situation.

I have a friend who pretty much hates her mother for making her father's life so difficult(and the story is a long one). But it is his decision to stay and it means something to him. The only thing my friend accomplishes by focusing on the bad is to make her a bitter and depressing person to be around. It has affected her life dramatically and not for the better.

[Zoebird]

This isn't yours to manage. Step away, let them work it out. Or not. They are capable of making choices about this.

[ApatheticNoMore]

Really is a crazy situation, they are both staying together for the @#^% money? Unbelievable. But yea you can't solve it.

[Mrs-M]

If only parents knew the sadness that results and is shed upon their children through constant arguing, fighting, and bickering.

[razz]

This isn't yours to manage. Step away, let them work it out. Or not. They are capable of making choices about this.
+ 1 Sounds as though you are handling it as well as possible especially being able to find the loveability in each of them.
Vent away here as needed.

[citrine]

Thanks everyone....I talked to my mom today and told her that I was not going to participate in her wanting me to take sides. I am going to do the right thing and drive my dad tomorrow....after all, it is a little girl's birthday and not about them at all. It is so hard to watch them go through this year after year....I work on them as well (massage and reiki) and the stress they carry is just unbelievable! It is a sad, sad situation....I am so glad that I have not let their example ruin my life...I have an amazing relationship and I thank god for that every day.

[loosechickens]

Ye gods, my parents fought like cats and dogs for 46 years, and neither of them would have either given an inch, OR ever thought of separating. Once, many years ago, my mother called me and went on and on with a diatribe against my father, and finally I said, "Why do you stay? You've got a college degree. You can make your own living. Why put yourself through all this misery?" There was a shocked silence, and then, "well, I couldn't possibly do that. The drapes haven't come back from the cleaners".

I kid you not. that was when I realized that they were locked into their own little dance, and there wasn't any way I was going to change that. It's sad, but all you can do is stay out of it. It's a dance, and while both of them will try to include you on "their side", you're not really the dancing partner, so the best thing you can do is let it play out between them.

[dado potato]

Like so many others who have posted comments, I believe the adult children don't have a role in counselling their parents. Speaking as a 60ish husband, I am fairly sure that the parents will sort it out. (If they can't, then perhaps a professional counsellor can help them do so.)

I am sure it is awkward to be asked to take sides, or to hear one parent dumping on the other. Perhaps if that came up, I could tactfully acknowledge that Mum feels as she does, without agreeing with her assessment of blame and/or fault, and then move on unambiguously to a new topic of conversation.

I don't know the people involved, so I am not offering an analysis of them. However, many people are affected by depression. Some depressed individuals develop a strong resentment towards their spouses. I recall seeing a website about that dynamic in families. I'll see if I can look up a link and post it shortly.

http://www.depressionfallout.com

[citrine]

Dado...I totally agree with you regarding counseling, but both of them think that they are ok and the other one needs professional help!
Anyways, the party was great....we stayed for a couple of hours and then drove back. My little neice was adorable and we got some really great pictures of her. I am going to distance myself from their drama and just move on.

[ctg492]

You did not cause it, you can not control it and you can not change it.
I wish you peace.
Understanding others is so hard to do, be it any of our loved ones, I am not sure we can ever understand how others think.

[dado potato]

citrine:

I am glad to hear that the party was great. All will be well!

[beckyliz]

Yeah, I finally told my parents that I was their daughter, not a licensed therapist. They've been married 55 years and should've been divorced 30 years ago - stayed together because of finances, I guess, and probably because of societal pressure, too (just my guess - who really knows). Now in their 70's and 80's and the "call and response" are so ingrained, they don't even realize they're doing it.

[Gardenarian]

Citrine - bless you! I think it is so kind of you to treat your parents when they clearly cause you a lot of grief. I'm glad the party went well. I hope you are able to continue to keep yourself from being pulled into their psycho-drama.