View Full Version : Anyone sorry they got a divorce?
Is there anyone out there who is really sorry they got a divorce?
Now, I don't mean someone who was left, or was cheated on, but someone who made a proactive decision to get a divorce and then regretted it?
I have this good friend who left her first husband because she thought somehow there was "more to life." She said it was "awful" afterward, that "nobody really cares about you" and she spent most of her time in her apartment feeling crappy. Of course I wonder why she didn't look for some outside activities, and naturally I do not know the whole story, but...food for thought.
No.
I have been married and divorced three times :|( but I do not regret getting divorced...only married.
Uhm, regret? Hell no. I tried that story line twice. Mistake both times.
The man I'm with now, we've been together 12 years. The only papers we've got on each other is the deed to this house. Works for both us. :D
I really wish that I'd known there was more than one story line before I hit 40. I mean seriously, there are many ways to build a family.
I don't know anyone like that, and I know quite a number of people who have chosen to divorce in their lifetimes. I imagine there are many people who choose to isolate and then blame the divorce, but they were probably isolating and blaming before doing it as well, imho. What's that quote? -- "wherever we go, we take ourselves with us."
I don't believe divorce is to be undertaken lightly (I take my commitments very seriously) but if my marriage became a toxic, codependent mess instead of a partnership, I would certainly consider it, and wouldn't look back. But in the case of your story, I certainly wouldn't divorce someone just because I thought the grass might theoretically be greener somewhere else.
I'm still very sad about my first marriage ending. My ex has a mental illness (a dissociative disorder, fairly severe, a result of very bad childhood abuse) that had not been diagnosed. If it had & treatment gotten, we would not have split up. I am happily married now, as is my ex, who was diagnosed and successfully treated about 5 years after we split up.
I still care very much for my ex, and am glad we're friends. As devoted a spouse as I am, and deeply dedicated to working out marriage difficulties rather than splitting up, I would have stayed by my ex's side for treatment. The years of grief and illness based horror for both of us & our daughter would have been so different if only adequate care was available then.
Ironically, my husband's ex also has a mental illness which is treatable, but she has refused treatment in the past. I think the shared experience of both of us having mentally ill ex's was part of our initial bond of friendship.
As much as I love my husband & stepkids, I wish for the kids that their mom had gotten help such that she didn't blow up their family with an affair (typical bipolar behavior) and their family had been able to stay intact. She married an abuser who damaged both her and the kids; divorced again, and re-partnered twice more, with two of the four families involving other kids. My stepkids have been through three different stepfamily configurations, and this impacted them. In many ways, I am opposed to divorce when kids are involved, unless abuse is present.
I think my parents are both very conflicted about it, but it happened in a way that probably makes reconcilliation unlikely. Both of them say things that make me think they regret it. Mom said she has stopped dating because she's never met a man as good as my dad. Dad and I are very close and while he doesn't say anything that overt, I can tell he misses her. There's too much water under the bridge now, though. It's too bad they didn't work out together what they worked out individually afterwards. Both of them just kind of took a bad patch in their lives (Dad's parents died, stints of unemployment for both of them, empty nest, etc) and dug into it for a while, each waiting for the other to change first. Mom eventually left in kind of a messy way and I don't think either of them could fully trust each other again. It's sad. They were married 40 years. It's a good reminder to me to be vigilant about keeping things good in my own marriage and not taking my wonderful DH for granted.
Quite honestly, I don't think I'd have the energy to go through it a second time. Seriously.
No.
I have been married and divorced three times :|( but I do not regret getting divorced...only married.
I know what you mean. Back when I got married, there seemed to be only one way to do things. And I'm talking the 1980s, not the 1950s!
Uhm, regret? Hell no. I tried that story line twice. Mistake both times.
The man I'm with now, we've been together 12 years. The only papers we've got on each other is the deed to this house. Works for both us. :D
I really wish that I'd known there was more than one story line before I hit 40. I mean seriously, there are many ways to build a family.
Do you mean me, in the "grass is greener" comment?
No offense, but if you DO mean me, why would you think that about me? What did I say that gave you that idea?
I don't know anyone like that, and I know quite a number of people who have chosen to divorce in their lifetimes. I imagine there are many people who choose to isolate and then blame the divorce, but they were probably isolating and blaming before doing it as well, imho. What's that quote? -- "wherever we go, we take ourselves with us."
I don't believe divorce is to be undertaken lightly (I take my commitments very seriously) but if my marriage became a toxic, codependent mess instead of a partnership, I would certainly consider it, and wouldn't look back. But in the case of your story, I certainly wouldn't divorce someone just because I thought the grass might theoretically be greener somewhere else.
Wow, 40 years, Stella! That's pretty amazing, actually. Our newspaper prints the local divorces in its courthouse records, and when people file, they put the marriage dates. I have often wondered what might make someone split up after 40 years or so.
My mom has a friend who was married about 30 years, when suddenly her husband up and left her for another woman. Sad thing was, his dad had done the same thing to his mom, and he swore he'd never do that to HIS wife! He got very weird after he left--maybe it was a midlife crisis or somethign!!
I think my parents are both very conflicted about it, but it happened in a way that probably makes reconcilliation unlikely. Both of them say things that make me think they regret it. Mom said she has stopped dating because she's never met a man as good as my dad. Dad and I are very close and while he doesn't say anything that overt, I can tell he misses her. There's too much water under the bridge now, though. It's too bad they didn't work out together what they worked out individually afterwards. Both of them just kind of took a bad patch in their lives (Dad's parents died, stints of unemployment for both of them, empty nest, etc) and dug into it for a while, each waiting for the other to change first. Mom eventually left in kind of a messy way and I don't think either of them could fully trust each other again. It's sad. They were married 40 years. It's a good reminder to me to be vigilant about keeping things good in my own marriage and not taking my wonderful DH for granted.
Nah, lib, I think pug was talking about the example you gave initially. sounded like that lady you know was leaving her marriage in hopes of something better, rather than leaving because what she had was not good for her. I talk to people every week who are thinking about leaving their marriages. Sometimes the people are just angry. sometimes they really want to leave. And sometimes they just want the spouse to sit up and take notice.
Oh, OK. My friend is a little bit flakey--I am not sure I agreed with her reasons either. One thing I know, though, is you just never know what is going on in someone else's marriage. You only know what they tell you! I have a friend right now who is going thru a divorce. We've been friends for 30+ years, and I really don't know what went wrong. She wont' talk about it either. She won't even say "I don't want to talk about it." Just...nothing.
Are you a therapist, by the way?
Nah, lib, I think pug was talking about the example you gave initially. sounded like that lady you know was leaving her marriage in hopes of something better, rather than leaving because what she had was not good for her. I talk to people every week who are thinking about leaving their marriages. Sometimes the people are just angry. sometimes they really want to leave. And sometimes they just want the spouse to sit up and take notice.
No, not sorry for my divorce either. But that question has intrigued me too, wondering how many people would have stayed married if they'd just had the right counseling or other temporary outside support. It does seem like many mid-life crises are manifested by husbands or wives deciding that the issue is their spouse, and if only they weren't married, then life would be great. Would be interesting to see those who divorced for that reason and then found out it wasn't the spouse at all, and then regretted the divorce.
Quite honestly, I don't think I'd have the energy to go through it a second time. Seriously.
If things are bad enough, it takes more energy to stay.
A couple years ago, a friend quipped about my repeated marriages, "Just kept making the same mistake..." But it wasn't. It was a different mistake every time.
And redfox...abuse comes in many shades and flavors.....
domestic goddess
5-10-12, 12:04pm
Stella, I'm so sorry. It always makes me sad to hear of long-term marriages that go under. But sometimes people have to work on their own issues before they can tackle joint issues, and sometimes the marriage goes under before they can get to the point that they are able to work on it.
Do you mean me, in the "grass is greener" comment?
No offense, but if you DO mean me, why would you think that about me? What did I say that gave you that idea?
Nope, and none taken -- just referring to your story of the woman who divorced her husband because she thought there was "something more" out there. (I don't know anything about you, and wouldn't pass judgment anyway :) ) I tend to think that many folks look outside themselves for happiness & security, and it causes strain on things like marriage as they endlessly chase the Happiness Carrot to other places, people, etc. I am still actively working on that myself.
I'm sorry it didn't happen sooner. Mine finalized a little more than 2 years ago after 25 years. Dysfunctional relationship, raising an autistic son, and two daughters that went through their own particular episodes. After kids were grown and pretty set, and life was "quiet" enough to explore the possibility of a relationship, it became clear there wasn't one there outside of being parents. Eventually she decided she would be moving to the country regardless of what I did, and divorce was not an important issue to her even though we would no longer be living together - however it was to me and we worked out the divorce using mediators. We are amicable, we both manage the guardianship role for our adult son. But I so do not regret getting the divorce.
iris lily
5-10-12, 10:53pm
creaker, I suppose this is none of my business, but are you male? I always thought that you were female.
Is there anyone out there who is really sorry they got a divorce?
Now, I don't mean someone who was left, or was cheated on, but someone who made a proactive decision to get a divorce and then regretted it?
I have this good friend who left her first husband because she thought somehow there was "more to life." She said it was "awful" afterward, that "nobody really cares about you" and she spent most of her time in her apartment feeling crappy. Of course I wonder why she didn't look for some outside activities, and naturally I do not know the whole story, but...food for thought.
Well, sounds like she didn't make the right decision for her. Me? No regrets.
frugalone
5-11-12, 11:53pm
Interesting points of view. Thank you all.
I had an uncle whose wife left him, and years later she confessed to my mother that she regretted the divorce. This happened back in the 50s, and she said this post-Millennium, after they were both remarried and the children were well grown up. I guess her life after her divorce wasn't what she thought it would be. I would say my aunt was a rather misguided woman, though I did not know her well.
creaker, I suppose this is none of my business, but are you male? I always thought that you were female.
All my life :-) And "creaker" is a net name I adopted at a point in my life when I was feeling old and "creaky" - my spirit is younger than then, but my hips aren't, so the name still applies :-)
rosarugosa
5-12-12, 7:29pm
Pug: I love the way you articulated this:
"I don't believe divorce is to be undertaken lightly (I take my commitments very seriously) but if my marriage became a toxic, codependent mess instead of a partnership, I would certainly consider it, and wouldn't look back. "
I've been trying to pin down, or articulate to myself if you will, just what my feelings are about marriage/divorce. You nailed it!
I think I might start another thread on a similar, but somewhat different topic.
No.
I have been married and divorced three times :|( but I do not regret getting divorced...only married.
Yeah, me too - at least for the second one. I can't entirely regret the first marriage. We had some good years, and we had our son. And he's the best thing in my life. But if I'd never gotten involved with my second husband, it would have been much better for me. In so many ways.
Sorry I got divorced? No but I do occasionally miss the ex-DH since I haven't met anyone else who is so well suited to me as he was. We had a great marriage of 17 years (together for 20) but towards the end we both wanted different things out of life. We had both made many compromises in our marriage in order to be together and still have the other things (careers, etc..) we each wanted in life.But we got to a point where the compromises became too big - too much for each of us to give up - for us to stay together. It was bitter-sweet but the right thing to do as we are both happier now with our lives then if one (or both) of us had to make those big changes and give up so much in order to stay together.
Sorry I got divorced? No but I do occasionally miss the ex-DH since I haven't met anyone else who is so well suited to me as he was. We had a great marriage of 17 years (together for 20) but towards the end we both wanted different things out of life. We had both made many compromises in our marriage in order to be together and still have the other things (careers, etc..) we each wanted in life.But we got to a point where the compromises became too big - too much for each of us to give up - for us to stay together. It was bitter-sweet but the right thing to do as we are both happier now with our lives then if one (or both) of us had to make those big changes and give up so much in order to stay together.
I'm not the least bit sorry I divorced my husband. He was physcially and mentally cruel to both me and our children.
I had to stay with him for 30 years because there was no way I could have been able to support my kids by myself
until they had graduated from high school without his financial support.
Once they had graduated from high school I went to college to graduate and found a good job and was soon able to support all 4 of my kids plus myself from then on. All the kids were able to find summer jobs to pay for their own college fees.
As a result we were all able to graduate from college. I was able to save enough money to travel to Europe three times, a delightful experience for me.
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