How did you merge finances after marriage....

[citrine]

My biggest concern right now is merging finances after marriage since we have to deal with the ex-wife for a few more years. I have a little bit of savings in 401K, IRA's, and a little pension that I would like to get a pre-nup for. The reason being that we would have to show total assets when the ex takes him back to court to get more money for the kids college education. I love the kids, but I don't want to "HAVE" to fund their college education!
Currently, we have our separate bank accounts and investments....it seems to be working. How have you all handled this?

[puglogic]

I'd urge you to get the assistance of a competent attorney that deals in such matters. The stakes you're discussing are much higher than just keeping separate personal accounts and a grocery account.

[redfox]

Agreed. As a stepmom, I sacrificed a lot to help support my stepkids. In our state, the income of new spouses does not count. I cannot imagine how this would have changed our ability to get child support.

[goldensmom]

No ex's or steps here so we just opened a joint checking account and added each others names to our respective accounts, insurances, etc. but I agree with puglogic to contact a good attorney who specializes in these matters.

[San Onofre Guy]

No one has to fund a child's college education. I am looking forward to 15 months from now when a chunk of the money I spend on child support will then go to fund college for child number one. Will the ex contribute to his college? Doubt it. Then 2 months later and no more child support. Of course two children in college then, but at least I will know that the money is for them not her.

Getting back to your question, typically assets as well as debt acquired prior to marriage is separate property. The problem is that they often get merged. In my case at marriage 2.0, the house and mortgage as well as refinancing, my investment and retirement accounts remain in my name only. Part of this is due to her $60,000 of student loan debt which if these other accounts were in her name could be tapped to pay off her debt in the event she dies before they are paid off.

What bothers me is the attitude about separate money. Her daughter got married a few months ago and I had earlier suggested that we give the couple a certain sum to do as they wish, the did a small wedding. Did the brides father contribute? I doubt it as just before the ceremony the bride said "the sperm donor has arrived!" My point is, married people should treat the marriage as a life long partnership. I love my wife's children and think of them as ours and she likewise. We support those whom we love.

This is like a stay at home mother who then goes back to work when the kids are older and has the attitude "it is my money, I earned it so why can't I spend it how I see fit" Money earned by both partners should be shared for the collective good in the same manner as chores around the home.

[redfox]

San Onofre Guy, paying for college or not it depends upon the support agreement.

[lhamo]

San Onofre Guy, paying for college or not it depends upon the support agreement.

And standard practice/state law in your area. Apparently in NY it is commonplace for support agreements to include college expenses and support for the child through college graduation or age 21, especially if the couple has significant assets.

[Gardenarian]

My husband and I have been married for almost 22 years and we have always kept our finances separate. We have a joint credit card that we use for most purchases, but our own checking and savings accounts. It works for us!

[Spartana]

I was married for 17 years (divorced now). First (and only) marriage for both of us. I was 25 and he was 24. We had a joint account in which we each put in the same amount of money (we both worked full time and earned the same amount) and used for household bills and any future things we wanted to buy together as well as some joint investments. We also each had our own seperate accounts to do with as we pleased - even for big purchases like cars. I liked that set up alot and allowed us each a certain amount of automony and independance in the marriage (which is something we both needed). We didn't have kids, were both extremely frugal and practical, and had no debt either before we were married or after we were married (even when we divorced we had no debt) so it was easy to do it that way.

[artist]

We put everything into both our names. We have the attitude that the marriage is a lifetime commitment and we are married... not roommates. There are no his bills or my bills, they are all our bills. There is no his money or my money, it is our money. We discuss everything and come to agreement on how the money is spent.

My husband grew up in a home where the money was/is kept separate (married 50 years) and they split up who pays for what. Problem is that they can't agree on major home improvements because they are emotionally attached to their money and need to pool it to do the big stuff. They don't see it as their money, it's his money or her money. She doesn't want to spend that much or he doesn't agree on the changes she wants to make etc... Turns into a bitterness that underlies things. My husband did not want that for us.

My parents (married 49 years when my dad passed away) they put everything together, agreed on the family budget, paid the family bills out of one joint account and did major improvments after careful discussing, planning and agreeing on a budget. Finances were never something that was fought over. Dh and have been married 20 years (this July) and we are experiencing the same financial harmony. We have never had a money fight, we have the same goals, discuss our dreams and desires and work together to meet them.

If it's in your husbands divorce decree that he has to pay for the college education, then that is something that you will have to deal with as a couple, as it will impact your family buget. Just as child support effects the family budget.

[Spartana]

We put everything into both our names. We have the attitude that the marriage is a lifetime commitment and we are married... not roommates.

I also believe marriage is for life (although I'm divorced so what do I know :-)!). I think most people do. But I never felt that each of us retaining some of our earnings to do what we want with them was in anyway less of a commitment to the marriage then pooling them all together - just a different way to manage money. As responible mature adults, neither of us felt the need to consult the other on each and every purchase or finacial decsion we made that didn't impact the other person or us as a couple - or any future plans we had together.

[citrine]

We are definitely going to consult with an attorney. We have talked about this matter quite a bit and have decided to open a joint account for the household stuff and keep our own accounts for now. He is also getting an inheritance this year and next year we would love to just live on his salary and use mine to max out all retirement/savings accounts.

[Float On]

It was pretty easy when we got married. I'd just finished college, had a small school loan, moved here to be with him which meant no job in the career field I was headed toward. He was without debt, working, etc. We just added my name to his accounts but I took over keeping the checkbooks.

At various times we've each had our own private savings accounts for various reasons. I saved for house updates and travel, he saved for musical instruments.

[Gardenarian]

I may be reading this wrong, but it seems that many people think that if you don't completely merge your finances then you are not really investing in your marriage, or you don't think marriage is for life. I did and do take my marriage vows quite literally.

My dh and I have very different income streams (I work a regular job; he's self-employed and has lots of investments.) We both have been beneficiaries of substantial inheritances. Our finances are somewhat complex and we have divergent outlooks on spending and investing.

We make nearly all our purchases (including food, insurance, etc.) on our joint credit card, but I definitely prefer to have control of my money, and make my own decisions about how to use it - and so does he.

I recently bought a cabin in the woods (a lifetime dream of mine, but not of dh's) and I know this would not have happened if he had an equal say in it. I'm grateful to have had the opportunity to take this risk myself.

Mr. Gardenarian bought a sports car when he turned 50. Would I have spent my money on it? Nope - but I'm glad he enjoys it!

[Float On]

I think there are a lot of paths to a happy marriage and happy marriage finances.

And Gardenarian I'd love to hear more about your cabin in the woods!