View Full Version : Starter marriage?
rosarugosa
5-12-12, 8:10pm
DH was watching some talk show this AM (sorry, don't know what it was) and it really disturbed him. He said there were these educated, professional women talking about "starter marriages."
DH: "You know, like starter homes, like your first marriage is bound to be a mistake and then you'll move on to bigger and better things. Starter marriages! Like the first one is practice or something for the real marriage!"
Since DH was the 12 y.o. boy that 15 y.o. Rosa fell in love with long ago, and went on to become her "starter husband" (and she his "starter wife") and here we are living happily together in our "starter home" these may years later, I have to admit I was gratified that DH is clearly not considering turning me in for a new model :)
So I was ruminating on my feelings about marriage, divorce, etc. since I am not theoretically opposed to divorce, and I know many folks who did seem to do a better job finding a life's partner the second go-round.
I had also given this topic a lot of thought when JD Roth announced his divorce from Kris (and I'll admit that I cried a little bit - for these internet strangers!). One commenter on GRS at the time talked about how some people have a "traditional" view of marriage, which was kind of the "till death do us part" thing, and some people have the "modern" view of marriage which was more of a "till we're not having such a swell time together" thing. The commenter said the real tragedy was when the two partners didn't have the same view of marriage.
I've been kind of pondering my philosophy of marriage ever since. (Because "it's OK for other people but not for me" doesn't feel like a coherent philosophy, and I always need to have coherent philosophy).
So I'm delighted that DH and I are on the same page with this one. Although is that a happy accident? Or something we both instinctively recognized in each other when chosing a life's partner? (Do some folks say their marriage vows with the understanding that this is just ceremonial hokey stuff that you say, but you don't really take it seriously?)
Therefore, it really caught my attention on the divorce thread when Pug summed it up so well:
"I don't believe divorce is to be undertaken lightly (I take my commitments very seriously) but if my marriage became a toxic, codependent mess instead of a partnership, I would certainly consider it, and wouldn't look back." Yes, that's it!
Has anyone else heard (or used) the term "starter marriage?"
Never heard the term. I really do think most people enter into marriages with good intentions, but don't realize that their day-to-day life doesn't really change much (marriage doesn't cure anything), or their life changes too much. Or their partner changes. Or what they want out of life changes. Lots of people do have difficulty riding out rough times, compromising, fighting fair, letting little things go, etc. Having that type of relationship with someone isn't for everyone, and isn't always that easy.
I'm really glad DH and I didn't meet until we were 30. I think if I had gotten married in my 20s it would have probably been to the wrong person. We also have similar relationship and communication styles. Nothing is that difficult in our marriage. We were lucky to find each other. I think we did take our vows seriously, but I will admit that if things really fell apart and I was suffering heavy duty emotional damage, I'd get divorced. The intent is absolutely to be married forever, but OTOH, I'm so grateful that I live in an age where divorce is relatively easy (legally) and a single woman has all the same rights and ability to be self-supporting that a man does. I would not put my marriage vows above my own basic human rights. I would not expect my husband to either.
It's interesting that you mention JD and Kris, as I follow the blog as well, and was admittedly shocked. The small window we have on their world reminds me a lot of my husband and myself. To think that my husband could one day just decide he didn't want to be married to me is quite troubling. But what bothers me the most is that they maintain a friendship. Of course, they do what works for them. But for me, if my husband and I divorced I can see no situation where I could be civil to him (no kids). I'd be gone as quick and as far as possible. I just can't imagine just being friends with him. It's the most heartbreaking thing I can imagine. But I know couples that are able to remain friends or at least friendly, and even remarry and still see each other occasionally. That part is hard for me to get.
Sounds like a bunch of gold-diggers to me... Too stupid to succeed, but smart enough to coin a buzz-term for they're new-found game. Nothing related to society surprises me anymore. There's no guilt, no shame, no scruples, no morals, and no standards, anything goes, and people are most obliging to mirror that image and show you.
To add, I often think to myself that society has reached a point of no return. A wild, uncontrolled, asinine race of people (animals), not satisfied until they are able to turn everything common sense/morally right, upside-down.
Just the thought of a "starter" marriage makes me sad. Sure, marriages have issues and people divorce, but to go into a marriage thinking "this is just until something better comes along"? I don't get that thinking.
I don't think that "starter marriage" is something one intends to start out in. It's a description, looking backwards, of a first marriage that didn't take, a look back when one is older and wiser. I wouldn't get bent about it or give it more import than the pop psych label deserves.
I knew someone who had a starter marriage,an old boyfriend. He was a really NICE and cute man, and he was reeling from his starter marriage where the wife lasted less than a year. She up and left with no real reason why. He was totally "WTF?" Neither of them were really young.
It took him a long time, I'd say a decade, to get into another one and he's doing well in it.
iris lily
5-12-12, 10:01pm
who the h*ll is jd & kris?
SteveinMN
5-12-12, 10:02pm
But for me, if my husband and I divorced I can see no situation where I could be civil to him (no kids). I'd be gone as quick and as far as possible. I just can't imagine just being friends with him. It's the most heartbreaking thing I can imagine. But I know couples that are able to remain friends or at least friendly, and even remarry and still see each other occasionally. That part is hard for me to get.
One of the big lessons I learned from my (our?) divorce is that the opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference. My ex- and I are civil to each other (no kids; she's still good friends with my mom). But having taken the step to divorce, I cannot imagine the circumstances in which we'd get together again romantically or even as friends.
I've heard the term "starter marriage" as a retronym. I didn't know it had become something to which people aspired. It's a little scary to think that the folks who believe they're in starter marriages are marrying people who think they'll be in it forever. Talk about dashed expectations!
I did not participate in the "Divorced" thread; I'm not ready yet to share all of that so broadly. I will say that I was smart enough after the first marriage to educate myself -- about myself and about what I wanted from a relationship/marriage. When I got married the first time, I don't think either one of us had any idea what we were getting into. We were both poorly prepared for living together in general and with each other in particular -- we just didn't know what we didn't know. In that sense, my first marriage was a starter marriage, though that certainly was not the intent. I think I've been a lot smarter this time around.
There are a lot of sad terms in society, imho. Trophy wives, "daddy wallet" marriages, starter marriages, BTN relationships (better than nothing), etc. Not to mention all the marriages that are just utterly disrespectful and damaging, yet some people seem to stay because of their desperate need to be "paired." I know it sounds judgmental, and maybe it is, but I certainly wouldn't enter into marriage unless I had fully thought it through, saw no red flags at all, found that we were stronger together than apart, and planned to stay forever. I simply don't need a relationship that badly....I got along just fine in the world before marrying, and could be fine again if I had to. Life is good. I married late, and it's good, so I'm hoping my "starter marriage" also turns out to be my "finishing marriage." :)
SteveinMN
5-12-12, 10:04pm
I'm trying to decide if it's a good thing or not that so many of us are posting on a Saturday night. Hmm .... :confused:
who the h*ll is jd & kris?
I kinda have to ask that too. I have no idea who they are, or what GRS is, sorry to say. A little help, Miz Rosa? :D
I know several people whose first marriage failed but whose second marriage/relationship is solid and long-lasting. I've always thought of "starter marriages" as the kind from which one partner or the other "trades up."
SteveinMN
5-12-12, 10:07pm
I'm hoping my "starter marriage" also turns out to be my "finishing marriage." :)
I have friends who also married each other "late". She endured a starter marriage many years ago; he had been married two or three times (I forget). When the topic arises, and one of them is asked which wife she is, the reply always is, "The last one!"
That's funny, Steve, I have a friend in a similar situation, and she replies, "The best one!" :D
rosarugosa
5-12-12, 10:15pm
Hey Kestra, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I think that maybe there is a thing that is the "modern traditional" concept of marriage, i.e. till death does us part unless there is some form of physical or mental or emotional abuse. We are people who take our commitments very seriously, and a promise is a promise, but we indeed must value our own basic rights above all else, and there is nothing sacred about subjecting oneself to abuse.
I think the friends after divorce thing can work well for people who were perhaps never deeply in love and were only meant to be friends in the first place. My sister and her first husband seem to be more successful at being exes than they were as a couple. But being just a friend with Dave and his new wife? I could more easily imagine the sun falling intro the ocean. When we have a discussion (usually based on something happening with another couple we know) about divorce, it turns into a really silly thing where he would still cook my meals for me and I would still do his laundry and we would still want to live together and sleep together and why are we even having this stupid conversation?
I fear that for JD and Kris, he is unknowingly giving her false hope and prolonging her misery. However, I perceive him as ultimately being the tragic figure in this drama, and I can see Kris moving on to the good solid relationship she is meant to have. Which is really sad, because I think he's a good guy, but with some kind of adult ADD thing. I can imagine the post about thinking you got rich, but you really lost everything that really matters. . .
Originally posted by Iris Lily.
I don't think that "starter marriage" is something one intends to start out in.I'm not so sure about that. Unless it's just me, which I highly doubt, I'd say "starter marriages" is dead-on. It means exactly what it means. People don't frequent talk-show programs to reiterate what all of us already know, i.e. failed/second/third/forth marriages. This is a departure away from the norm... A coined term to set itself apart from.
rosarugosa
5-12-12, 10:27pm
Wow - didn't expect so much action here (clearly this is the place to be on Sat night!)
Pug: "BTN relationships" - that is a new low, and I now do fear for survival of the species (and think perhaps the ****roaches could only make a better job of it!)
Iris - JD Roth is the founder of the Get Rich Slowly blog, which is considered by many to be the best, or at least one of the best, personal finance blogs out there.
http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/
It's followed by many astute readers such as Kestra and yours truly:)
Digression: Mr Money Mustache seems to be right up there as well in a short period of time; these are my two favorite PF blogs.
http://www.mrmoneymustache.com/
I learned about MMM from someone on this forum and I'm sorry that I cannot remember and give credit where due.
Sounds like a bunch of gold-diggers to me... Too stupid to succeed, but smart enough to coin a buzz-term for they're new-found game. Nothing related to society surprises me anymore. There's no guilt, no shame, no scruples, no morals, and no standards, anything goes, and people are most obliging to mirror that image and show you.
People have been opining thus for probably as long as there was a younger generation. I don't believe it, personally. It doesn't take much rooting around in history, or in one's own family tree to find all kinds of eyebrow-raising activities. Human beings have always been fallible (not being gods), and social mores change. Me, I'm happy to live in a society where adulterous women (or rape victims) aren't locked into stocks or forced to wear a scarlet letter for their "sins." Or where anyone "different" is expected to stifle themselves in a kind of lifelong denial of their intrinsic self.
I'm fond of the NBC celeb genealogy program Who Do You Think You Are? Last night's program tracked Jason Sudeikis' paternal line. His grandfather abandoned his family, choosing instead to eschew work and essentially drink himself to death. His father ( the subject's great-grandfather) left his first wife and moved a couple of states away and married again, not bothering to get a divorce. Really, churlish behavior is nothing new.
On this Saturday evening, DH is watching his hockey game and reporting the results between periods:D We had a lovely drive throughout the day, lunch out and DH bought my choice of the dragonwing hanging basket in lieu of the usual bouquet of flowers because I really wanted that basket.
Of course, I made homemade bread and rolls for him.
People, as others have mentioned, often go into marriage not realizing what they don't know including the difference in values, culture, and priorities which may not show up until one faces challenges. Divorce is for those who realize that together is not a good fit. How one copes with challenges or serious stresses really is a game changer. Some come out swinging, others withdraw, some go along to get along and some give up. You won't know until you go through this as a couple.
The tragedy is when children are involved and the couple cannot get along.
I'm trying to decide if it's a good thing or not that so many of us are posting on a Saturday night. Hmm .... :confused:LOL! As a mom, Saturday nights, are no different to me than a Monday night, a Wednesday night, or a Friday night. They're all the same after a while...
Between work and studying for the October brokers exam, I'm not getting out much, so I take breaks on the 'puter! :D
Originally posted by JaneV2.0.
People have been opining thus for probably as long as there was a younger generation. I don't believe it, personally. It doesn't take much rooting around in history, or in one's own family tree to find all kinds of eyebrow-raising activities.You may be right, however, from everything I'm seeing, today, it's become chronic. Like a toxic plague.
rosarugosa
5-12-12, 10:52pm
By the way, I absolutely don't mean to diss anyone who has been divorced. I'm just horrified at the idea of anyone thinking of marriages as disposable. As I said initially, some folks find their perfect soul mates the second time around, which means of course that they hadn't the first time around :)
Cheers to perfect soul mates!
Originally posted by Rosarugosa.
I'm just horrified at the idea of anyone thinking of marriages as disposable.As sickening as it may sound/be, it is reality, to a steadily and growing movement. Nothing means nothing... Or, as another popular coined-term speaks, "it's all about me".
rosarugosa
5-12-12, 11:03pm
Hey Mrs M, I take it you're in it for the long haul. Care to tell your story (of the meeting between you and Mr M?)
How long do you have, Rosa! LOL!!! I'd be happy to! I was working in a Pharmacy after graduating from high school, and DH (at the time), was already established with the Regional District, involved with City Planning & Development. One day Mr-M, came in (just before my lunch) and asked me to join him. I did, and the rest is history! Of course there was a bit of a lead up to DH asking me out. You know, the basic kinds of things, smiles, sweet hellos, and frequent visits, the fun stuff. DH laughs about it to this day, how he upped his visits to check me out!
I actually knew DH from junior high/senior high, and we even said hello and talked occasionally, but it wasn't until after high school that he decided to single me out and go for it.
Re: "being in it for the long-haul", absolutely, 100%. Not just for myself, but for my kids. I've known far too many people who were raised in single parent/broken homes, and that would break my heart if my children had to go through that.
Rosa. You, too, sound like you are in it for the long-haul. Care to share your story with me (meeting between you and Mr. Rugosa)?
If I were a young lad these days, I'd stay far far away from marriage until much later in my life.
(I say this having met my wife-to-be when we were 14, and having been with her ever since, but she's one in a million.)
My husband says if he were single, today, he'd stitch-up every penny of his finances so that any perspective woman would have no illusions as to any gain waiting for her if she decided to taketh, then give away, as a means of self-serving/self-fulfillment. DH says, "it's amazing how few men think about such... and act upon it".
My husband says if he were single, today, he'd stitch-up every penny of his finances so that any perspective woman would have no illusions as to any gain waiting for her if she decided to taketh, then give away, as a means of self-serving/self-fulfillment. DH says, "it's amazing how few men think about such... and act upon it".
Not sure how valuable this perpective really is.
When DH and I got married, he had $100 and I had $50. Anything that we have achieved has been by joint effort and sweat. I stressed investing in real estate where we made a lot of our money, made a home for the family and had a flexible job allowing moves and DH maintained a home, had the fulltime job with benefits that required moves. As I say, it was a joint effort!
If someone had approached me or DH about a marriage which was not joint team effort, we both would have turned away.
rosarugosa
5-13-12, 7:12am
Mrs M, Sorry, I didn't intend to be non-reciprocal; I just had realized it was way past my bed time!
DH's family moved into the neighborhood when he was 7 and I was 9, so we knew each other since we were little kids. When we were in our pre-teens, our relationship evolved into a romance that turned out to be the "real thing" as we went together for eight years and have now been married for 27. We never chose to have kids, but we do have two fine cats!
I'm in my starter marriage (27 years now), living in what most would call a starter home. :laff: Sometimes as a joke, I will introduce my husband as "this is my first husband...". All joking aside, I'm distressed by the ease in which people walk away, not just marriages, but all types of face to face relationships. Its easier to walk away and avoid than to try to work through things and come to a compromise or consensus. Not that divorce isn't sometimes necessary, it is. But I think we as a society have swung that pendulum past the midpoint to the "too easy" side.
I wonder if it has something to do with the whole "paradox of choice" syndrome. That book by Barry Schwartz talks about how choice is good to a point, but then it becomes confusing and anxiety-producing.
He's talking about consumer goods, but I think things have changed SO MUCH that there's a perceived explosion of "choice" in the relationship arena. In the old days, marriages were business arrangements, put together to ensure stability for progeny. Now, marriage is often just a hallmark card to pay lip service to love and loyalty. But, if our "needs aren't being met"--which can mean, gosh darn it I DESERVE someone who puts the cap on the toothpaste!!--we go out shopping again. I think this is because our stability is ensured through a high standard of living that's pretty readily available and also the media with its catalogue of crazy relationships to model, with a good dash of 'me-itis" thrown in.
Razz. We, too, are in the same boat as you and your husband. We started off early, had nothing, and accumulated from there, as a couple.
Rosa. Shame on me, too! I went way past my bedtime (last night), too! LOL! Awww... what a fairytale story. Very nice.
Herbgeek. I couldn't agree more.
Catherine. Your take is my take on things.
In 2 days we celebrate the 36th anniversary of our starter marriage. We were kids when we got married, teenagers, but we waited 10 years before we started having kids knowing we needed to be a couple before we were a group.
Getting married so young, we both simply are not the same people we were then, but fortunately we grew together instead of apart. If I were to do it over again my first impulse is to say we wouldn't have married so young. But then, we wouldn't be the same people we are today, and I kind of like us today.
As much as I try to remember special occasions when members mention them, I still forget, so allow me, Peggy, to take this moment to wish you a Happy 36th Anniversary!
jennipurrr
5-13-12, 1:54pm
I can see the term of starter marriage coming into being, but I've never heard anyone say it nonchalantly, more self deprecating or else someone else is saying it about another's marriage, not their own...an ill conceived marriage of two young people who really didn't know what they were getting into. I definitely know people who got into that situation.
DH and I married when I was fairly young (married 8 years this year) and sometimes I wonder if we just got lucky - we are so different now than 8 years ago, we've definitely grown and changed as people but we've grown and changed together. Our relationship seems strong, but I have to admit, I read GRS, and reading about JD and Kris was a shock and sort of shook me...I don't know anything about their relationship and personal business, but you think (from the blog anyway) they've been married 15+ years and on this financial journey, everything is going along swimmingly. But, there was a post about JD getting disgruntled with their "dream house" they had purchased years ago. When I read about the divorce, him wanting to travel more, just not being able to "handle" the 1800 sq ft house, I do wonder if he is one of those people that after all the traveling is out of his system and he has this grand adventure is really going to regret the divorce (like the thread here). Marriage is give an take, I certainly wouldn't throw away a 15 year relationship because my partner wanted a home and I wanted a loft! I don't know...reading a blog you never really know the truth of what a relationship is like day to day.
Years ago, when DH and I had not been married too long, and I was new to the boards there was a poster on here who seemed to be living a similar life to us. Young professionals, paying off a lot of debt and trying to do a simpler thing. It was a shock to me when they had a very bad breakup and divorce. It kind of makes you think, can that happen to us? Now I have several friends who have been through a divorce so maybe its not so new and weird to me. I'm planning on my "starter marriage" lasting a lifetime (hopefully!).
As much as I try to remember special occasions when members mention them, I still forget, so allow me, Peggy, to take this moment to wish you a Happy 36th Anniversary!
Thank you Mrs M. It's been quite a ride, but one i would never trade for anything.
ApatheticNoMore
5-13-12, 5:50pm
Isn't this why you date for awhile before getting married and you don't go the marriage route unless you are certain that is what you want? Being that dating extensively before marriage is perfectly acceptable (is *expected* actually), I can't imagine anyone deliberately going the starter marriage route (the economic entanglements and headache of divorce alone would preclude it! seriously ask anyone who has been there ...). Starter homes also seem ridiculous to me (though if one's starter home is a condo and they really wanted a home, I guess I could see it, but as a practacal manner condos cost nearly as much as homes, so what's the point?)
I also was surprised at the JD Roth divorce--so it was because she wanted 1800 sq feet and he wanted less?? I think sometimes you put yourself out there and feel you have to live up to the persona, so maybe him being who he projected himself to be in the blog made him unwilling to accept compromises to the image???
I remember watching No Impact Man and felt that his wife was going along for the ride somewhat unwillingly. It's not for us to say whether their motives were pure or not, I guess, but I really hope the Roth divorce wasn't over a couple of hundred square feet.
I also was surprised at the JD Roth divorce--so it was because she wanted 1800 sq feet and he wanted less?? I think sometimes you put yourself out there and feel you have to live up to the persona, so maybe him being who he projected himself to be in the blog made him unwilling to accept compromises to the image???
I remember watching No Impact Man and felt that his wife was going along for the ride somewhat unwillingly. It's not for us to say whether their motives were pure or not, I guess, but I really hope the Roth divorce wasn't over a couple of hundred square feet.
Who is this Roth person y'all are talking about?
Who is this Roth person y'all are talking about?
Personal finance blogger. His stuff can be found here: http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/archives/
jennipurrr
5-14-12, 11:34am
I also was surprised at the JD Roth divorce--so it was because she wanted 1800 sq feet and he wanted less?? I think sometimes you put yourself out there and feel you have to live up to the persona, so maybe him being who he projected himself to be in the blog made him unwilling to accept compromises to the image???
I'm sure it was much more than the house (has to be, I hope!), but that is one of the things he wrote about on the blog. Also he had sold the blog and so then they were FI and he wanted to travel a lot while she still loved her paid employment and had her roots firmly planted in their city (Portland?).
I think that people need to be careful in terming their marriages as "starter marriages". My husband and I will celebrate 20 years of marriage this July and 25 years together in October. Neither of us have been married before. It hasn't always been easy and we've had some rough spots to work throught. That's a part of building a committed relationship... you work through the rough spots and grow through them, but the attitude must be one of growing an unselfish, lifetime commitment to another person.
I have counseled a few people who are in what they term "starter marriages" and it's a true shame. . They enter into the marriage with the mentality that if it doesn't work out they will just get a divorce. To them, long term... live time... committment is old fashioned and somewhat of a fairy tale. For them the concept of marriage is disposable.
I've never seen so many selfish attitudes. I hear a lot of complaining that he doesn't do this, or I she doesn't do that and I have to do everything. They don't understand the concept of marriage being a joining of two lives that serve one another. They are still in the " what's in it for me" mind set. They tend not to communicate well and have differing views of what the marriage should look like... Different expectations.
JMO.... if you have a marriage that is your first and is making it for the long haul and you are committed to one another, don't cheapen that fact but associating your marriage with the term "starter marriage". Save that term for those who view marriage as a temporary situation or one that they are do not wish to fight for when the going gets tough.
I first heard the term starter marriage about 10 years ago or so. Didn't care for it then, didn't care for it now. Marriages aren't consumables.
crunchycon
5-14-12, 3:59pm
OK, I live in the South, and the term "starter marriage" is mostly used here flippantly to "explain" a first marriage that didn't succeed. Most of the women I know (including me) who have used the phrase semi-humorously did not go into marriage believing that it would be easy to dispose of if things didn't work out, but don't want to go into the down side of "yeah, I've been divorced" if it should come up in conversation.
domestic goddess
5-14-12, 4:12pm
I have to say that this sounds to me like a phrase coined by the media to create a trend. Yes, there are many, many divorces these days, but I find it hard to believe that anyone but so-called "celebrities" marry, expecting it to be temporary.( ...except(insert the Kardashian person of your choice here)). That said, I don't think enough people go into marriage thinking about a 40 or 50 year marriage, or longer, and really thinking about what it takes to stay together that long. I sometimes think that it should be harder to get married, and a lttle easier to get divorced. Most people who are divorcing are suffering enough, so I don't see that making divorce more difficult would benefit anyone. It does disturb me that few of the divorcing couples I have known have even tried counselling. If nothing else, maybe it could make for a more amicable split, especially when children are involved.
And maybe the families of divorcing couples could do with some counselling, too. My niece is recently divorced from her husband of 8 years. His parents attend their grandson's baseball games, and sit on the opposing side, and stare and sneer at my niece and her dad (my brother) during the entire game. What's up with that? Their son (her ex) isn't handling things at all well, especially considering that there are 2 children involved, but this is a discussion for another topic.
What I don't get is, if you are viewing it as just a "starter" arrangement, then why even get married? Why not just live together until you figure out whether it is a forever type of thing or not?
You know, it's funny. I wonder when the honeymoon phase ends.
With DH and I, we moved in together very quickly. Within the first 6 months of dating. And then, we later got married (about 5 years later), but nothing changed. and we've been together a total of 15 years so far, and I can't imagine that changing. I just like being with him.
When we were first dating, having him around overnight was really cool. It wasn't just physical. we could talk bout things (or not talk about things) for hours. Just being silent together, we're really good at that. I like it.
A lot of people seem to think that's sad, for some reason. When we go on dates together, we might not talk. And people are like "look at them, so sad. No talking to each other." But silence is it's own intimacy.
Anyway, I like being around him. It's the best.
silence is it's own intimacy
Amen to that! One of the things my wife and I find both marvelous and puzzling is that we enjoy being near each other even if we're not doing the same thing or engaging in a long conversation. For us, not every moment has to be filled. Just being together often is enough.
OK, I live in the South, and the term "starter marriage" is mostly used here flippantly to "explain" a first marriage that didn't succeed. Most of the women I know (including me) who have used the phrase semi-humorously did not go into marriage believing that it would be easy to dispose of if things didn't work out, but don't want to go into the down side of "yeah, I've been divorced" if it should come up in conversation.
Took me about 15 years to get that flippant, though I've been in non-starter marriage for 17 years now:D.
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