View Full Version : Need legal advice for alcoholic family member
My sister is an adult alcoholic living in OR. She can't get or keep a job, she owns a townhome, she's divorced and shows no signs of recovering. We, meaning my parents and I, live in NJ and talk to her by phone and Skype but haven't visited her in years.
Here's my question. Is there something my parents can do legally where they can take over her home and sell it, pay off her debts with the money, and put her into a rehab place long-term with whatever money is left over? She's been to rehab twice; one time was for about two weeks, the second time was a shorter period. She began drinking again shortly after leaving. We think the only way she may have a chance to recover is to basically be locked away somewhere for treatment. What sort of lawyer would we need? East coast or west coast? Can it be done long distance? (My parents are in their 70s and neither of them should really fly long distances.) What do we ask the lawyer for? Is it a Power of Attorney or something different?
After all these years she still doesn't think she has a problem; rehab only really works if the person admits to having a problem or hits rock bottom and agrees to get help. My parents will having something drawn up in their wills where, upon their deaths, I'll get my share in a lump sum and my sister will get a monthly allowance (smaller than my share, as they paid for her stints in rehab with part of her future share). Is that doable? Should I be left in charge of her stipend? She can't be trusted to spend money on anything other than wine and mani/pedis, fancy coffee, things for her home, etc. and she would quickly go through any amount given to her.
Any other suggestions as to what they can do? Neither of them are in great health and the stress of all the worry isn't helping much. They just want to see her get well and take care of herself. It's basically up to my mom and I to get the ball rolling because my dad still thinks she'll shape up. He's more of an enabler than we are and she's always been his 'little girl' so he doesn't really accept how things are. He also has some early dementia stuff going on and will argue that we never told him something when he just doesn't remember being told.
My mom's been asking me to do an internet search for what we could do but everyone here is so wise that I thought I'd throw it here first. Thanks.
A family lawyer should be able to answer most of these questions.
For the first, they might need to go through a competency hearing, which is expensive. For the most part, while alcoholism is a problem, it is unlikely that she'll be found incompetent. Thus, that avenue really isn't open to your family. But, it never hurts to ask.
For her debts, etc, that will ultimately fall on her estate and/or if she files for bankruptcy, it can be taken care of. If she does actually own the condo (instead of having a mortgage), then it's possible that this will be protected in bankruptcy, and any other assets would be used to work through the bankruptcy process.
For the issue of the will, your parents want to create a trust. The trust will have specific determinations -- such as she can get the whole of the trust if she is sober for 10 years, for example, as documented to the lawyer through rehabilitation and also consistent AA participation and letters from her sponsor (just as an example). The trust could simply be "for the rest of her days" and the remainder of the trust when your sister passes will go to her estate at that time (and then to debts and then to any heirs).
The trust is great because it does exactly what they want for her -- a stipend. She can get a monthly stipend until the money runs out or she passes, which ever comes first. Likewise, the *lawyer* or an accountant can manage the trust, which doesn't put you in any ugly positions where you are seen as the "bad guy" for withholding money from your sister. Having an independent 3rd party manage the trust is nearly *always* the best bet.
Our will has a trust set up for DS, wherein our business will be managed or sold, and if sold the income goes into the trust. The trust is for DS's care until he is of an age where he can have the money for his own purposes (age 25), should any money remain. The trust can be used for education, edification, or travel, but the guardians must provide receipts that indicate that the funds went directly to DS's care. The trust is also designed to set out a small 'costs of living' stipend each month to the guardians. The trust is fully managed by a lawyer in the US, who has already been named as the executor of the trust.
Of course, this is only worst case scenario for us, btu essentially all of our assets transition into a trust for DS. It's good stuff.
Yes. They must be willing to get her declared incompetent in a court of law. That is usually a very high bar, and logically so. Being incompetent is much different than making bad decisions related to an addiction. It's also intensely alienating and quite expensive. I doubt that they would succeed.
I strongly suggest that you & your parents go to Al-Anon. The condependency that is driving their desire to try to control her life is as destructive to their lives as the alcohol is to hers. What's your role in this scenario? By no means should you be her "keeper", financially or in any other way. How does it benefit her to keep her dependent and infantilized?
Lest you think I am judging you, let me assure you that I am the first-born in my family, and was trained at an early age into an exquisite codependency. Now at age 57, I am finally, really dropping it. I am no longer trying to make sure my nephew doesn't die from a heroin overdose, or that my sister, his mom, goes bankrupt supporting him in her codependency.
The illness of addiction affects the entire family. Hers is alcoholism, my nephews is opiates. Our families illness/addiction, like yours it sounds, is codependency. Codependency is as disabling as alcoholism and heroin addiction.
Resources: Al-Anon - go to a local group, and keep going back. Read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More. There are many, many books on this topic. Good luck... I know how painful this can be.
catherine
5-15-12, 10:50pm
You need a lawyer for the legal stuff. All I know is about the emotional family stuff.
I think it's a great call for them to protect their legacy, knowing she's addicted to alcohol, and put safeguards in place to protect that. Perhaps you would consider AlAnon to really help you define what role you want to play in this. I would want as little responsibility as possible--in other words, if she is to get an inheritance, it's her inheritance. She will blow through it, but it's her inheritance. There's going to be lots of anger and resentment going around if you are controlling it for her.
One great internet source are the forums on soberrecovery.com (you can check out the Family and Friends forum).
Pony Mom, seconding all of the above. You might find good support on the Friends & Family forum mentioned by Catherine, as well as people who have been through similar situations who can tell you how it went for them. Good luck - this is very hard stuff.
Turning any inheritance she has coming into a stipend using a trust is probably a reasonable precaution. Giving addicts sudden sums of money tends to end badly, and it would be useful for her to have some money if she does get motivated towards sobriety.
The rest, you'll probably have to let go of. I would second the recommendation of Al-anon.
Simple addiction is unlikely to get someone declared incompetent. As it would cover about 5% of the population, the courts would have time for little else. Given the success rate of rehab, especially when driven by someone else, using the value in her home to fund rehab could well leave her still drunk but homeless.
Codependent no more is a great book. It's worked wonders for me (that with counseling). my family is second generation. My grandfather and grandmother were alcoholics (on my mother's side), and my family really has codependency around food issues (perhaps food addiction?).
It's been really helpful with my husband's family, whose sister is an alcoholic and narcotics addict, dating another narcotics addict. DH's parents are deeply co-dependent, and DH has done some work to get out of the middle (also in counseling), and so we've been quite good at it. We didnt' find Al-anon particularly helpful, but we did find working one-on-one with a counselor very helpful.
The prior advice is priceless. My best friend finally went to Al-Anon after years of thinking she could help her daughter with a serious drinking issue. My friend was a lawyer and well trained. She found Al-Anon helped her with new coping skills and it was one of the hardest things she ever dealt with.
She was finally able to step back and be the person her daughter needed while in an DUI court ordered intervention program. I am happy to say it appears her daughter saw the light and is now sober but if her mother had interfered with the very tough program along the way, this might not have happened.
Having gone through similar family issues to others as posted above, neither you nor your parents caused the addicition, cannot control it and certainly cannot cure it no matter what you try to do. Enforced rehab is not an option. It is very difficult to step back, completely detach and let the addicted person suffer the consequences of their decisions.
One is detaching from the addictive behaviour and all its manifestations and not the wonderful qualities that your sister was born with and has buried within her.
Not to be cruel or unkind but...
Your sister is an adult making her own choices and it is a choice every time she takes a sip. She legally has that right no matter what degree of harm she does to herself. Whatever else you do, do not become the person that she can scream at for more money after your parents are gone. Keep your financial and legal affairs completely separate by whatever means possible. She will try!!!!!!!
Find the means of appropriately responding to her whether you use the book mentioned above or Al-anon or therapy with someone experienced in addiction issues.
Others who know more about US legal affairs can speak to some of the options available to arrange for a third party to handle the finances for your sister.
jennipurrr
5-16-12, 9:47am
You have gotten very good advice above. In most states it is extremely difficult if not impossible to accomplish the first part of your question (locking up an adult who has not committed a crime and is not an imminent danger to self or others). For your personal wellbeing, I also advise Alanon, Codependent No More, and any other literature you can get your hands on. It will help you find more peace in detaching from her choices and consequences. Alanon is great because everyone is going through the same thing and at different places in the journey.
Having your parents plan her inheritance through a trust is not necessarily a bad idea, that way there will be something to provide for her over the long term. However, there will also not be any financial "rock bottom" if she is getting a regular check that can keep a roof over her head and her addiction funded easily, just a thought that the inheritance not as a lump could be seen as one last way your parents desperately tried to control her, even from the grave. Not that I think its a bad idea, just throwing that perspective out there. I would stay far far away from being involved in this after their death. I believe they can set up a third party to be the trustee that has no connection to the family.
Good luck! My MIL is a severe alcoholic and it has been something my husband and I have struggled with for some time.
Thank you all so much for your great advice. I'm going to bring my mom in here to read all of the posts. As you all understand, it's especially difficult for them to just sort of let her go. I agree that we should let her suffer the consequences of her actions and get help when SHE'S ready for it.
All of us did read Codependent No More; pretty sure neither parent would go to Al Anon. They don't want anyone to know what's going on with her. I, OTOH, have discussed my sister with several coworkers and friends and quite a few of them have family members in the same situation. Knowing that it's a pretty common problem and hearing of their struggles with just letting go is a big help to me. I think my parents would feel the same way if they talked about it with other people, but they want to keep this to themselves.
A legal trust may be the answer but as a few of you mentioned, it can still be a way of enabling her. If we go that route, it will be done by a third party for sure.
It's time for my mom to read that book again...and me as well.
Is there anything wrong or any happening that happened previously?
I'd highly recommend Al-Anon for all of you. It may allow you to find some peace with the situation amidst all the pain. But I'd also say it takes about 10 Al-Anon meetings before the value of it starts to be apparent.
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