Abusive consultant

[kitten]

Hi guys, you have helped me with work issues before - many have recommended I leave my job, and I'm working on it. I'm in a tough spot, but I am keeping a couple of irons in the fire. Things will work out eventually for me - I'm making plans to vault out of this place as soon as I reasonably can.

In the meantime, life is just surreal. I work in radio, and our station is now public - which means we conduct pledge drives regularly. The station had never done them before, so they hired a consultant team to show us their method (there's more than one). Borth, the owner of the consultant company, is contemptuous and arrogant, and has been beyond unprofessional in our dealings with us. He's been producing my show during our pledge drives, and he constantly snaps at me, yells at me, and berates me in front of the team - minutes before we go on the air. Pledge drives are tough, we're asking our audience for money. It's a big change from what we do normally, and everyone simply has to be at the top of their form, individually and together. I do well when I feel supported, but this guy's bullying strategy is outrageous. He seems to feel that this is how you get results from people when it really counts.

I don't work well when I'm being attacked - it rattles me, and I think our listeners can hear it in my voice. Our drives are suffering because of this. I feel this man is beyond unprofessional, and his treatment of his client's employees on their own turf is unacceptable. I don't care whether he gets results or not (that's his constant defense, but we have no basis of comparison - we've only ever used his method.)

My manager has heard my objections. He was resistant and unpleasant at first, but said he plans to talk to Borth about his unprofessional behavior. But knowing my boss, that could mean a number of different things, or nothing at all. He also made sure to minimize my issue (in an email - perfect, I've got documentation!) by saying that though the other employees had also reported the consultant's rudeness, nobody was having as much of an issue with him as I was. Gee thanks, boss, love having your support!

I also spoke with Jap, the manager who oversees the drives and works closely with Borth. I was tactful in my presentation of the issue, and tried to show Jap that I really want to avoid drama and am hoping to work things out. Jap responded with this long rambling defense of his decision to work with Borth come hell or high water and extend his contract. Then he dismissed me - patted me on the head and said how much he appreciates my work (this made me feel like a janitor), and that "I love your passion! Don't ever lose it!" It was weird, like something you'd write in a classmate's yearbook. I'm like, wtf? I don't give a rip what Jap thinks of my passion. It's not that I'm a little too passionate. It's not that I'm just an emotional woman, maybe on the rag, just a little teary right now. Asshats! (I've never cried in front of anyone over this, btw). What I would really just love to hear is: "Wow, we're so sorry you had to go through that. We'll do what we can to protect you in this situation."

You know - just "We'll do what we can." I know they can't kill the guy for me.

So I've requested that someone other than Borth produce my show next time. There's no technical obstacle to this - it can be done. But I suspect they're going to be digging in their heels. It's such a power play. I think they want to help me, but it's as if they don't want to be seen to be helping me. They'll lose face if they let a girl drive their decision. And they're afraid of the big-d*ck consultant. So they're just going to insist that I work with this guy again. That's what I'm afraid of.

I have already reported Borth's behavior (my boss has witnessed some of these occasions himself), and I've stated that I feel unsafe when I'm in the same room with him. So far I'm being dismissed, although I haven't yet taken this to top management (I was going to wait until the issue comes up again, in October at our next drive). Do you think there's anything to be gained by going to the head honcho now? She won't be pleased at my news - her MO is to attack anyone who comes to her for help, and berate them for not having solved the problem already. I've been putting off having to deal with her until I have to.

I can't help but feel that there's some way to let my employers know, in a calm and effective way, that their response is inadequate. I don't want to come off as hostile or ready to lawyer up. That would make me look hysterical, and any whiff of legal resort could well get me fired.

Sorry this is so long - I would appreciate your thoughts - am I being unreasonable in requesting another producer, when there are others available and they can do the same job as the problem consultant? I'm wondering if I should arm myself with a better knowledge of labor laws in my state. It just seems like my employer is permitting something that shouldn't be allowed to go down. I don't know what the legal term for it is, but there must be one. Your input appreciated!

[Simpler at Fifty]

Do you have an HR department? Might want to start there. If you do not feel safe, that is an HR issue.

[kitten]

Thanks Simpler - I certainly have my ducks in a row as far as my documentation of what's happened. We're a small company - the HR person is also the head honcho's assistant - making this official would blow it wide open without any possibility of retrenchment. I want to feel stronger about being ready to to that. It's a shame-blame culture here - they shoot the messenger, and management tends not to side with employees. Taking the next step is not something I'm relishing.

[beckyliz]

Borth sounds like a bully. I know this will be very (very) difficult, but one way to respond to bullies is to NOT BACK DOWN. You will have to call him on his bullying behavior and tell him it's not acceptable. I know you want to avoid drama, but sounds to me that Borth will continue this behavior until he know he can't. What a jerk.

[redfox]

Good grief! Fundraising is all about relationship building! How the he// does he imagine he'll be effective? I am so, so sorry.

I agree that not backing down in good... With the important caveat that you find a way to stay calm. What you're describing is flooding; the biochemical event that occurs in your limbic brain, also known as the fight/flight/freeze response. It happens we we feel attacked. The biggest effect is that it literally, biochemically, shuts down your cognitive capacity, and your thinking is offline for up to a half hour.

THIS is what you can control. Read up a bit on flooding, and how you can stop it. Detach from his raging by stepping back three feet, calming yourself, and LEAVE the room if you start to flood. The sooner you can leave, the less flooding will occur. Seriously, just walk out, or back several feet, to detach from the scene, and calm your brain. The chemicals will subside, you'll feel it!

Do not respond to the attack. Silence underscores the awfulness of it, and everyone else in the room gets that he's a bully & an a** hole. Keep silence in that moment, then move into your tasks. Your people, your listeners, know YOU, they love YOU, not some jerk. Be with them, and with your team.

Do you have any allies in the room? If so, pre-arrange to make eye contact with them when he goes off, which can help ground you. All you need to do it turn to your ally & smile, and ask them to smile back. That can ground you.

I recommend you get through the fundraising, then take next steps. Think them through! One battle at a time, especially if management is determined to keep him. You can do this, and manage your anxiety, feelings of being threatened. And stay safe & strong. Please keep us posted!

[Mighty Frugal]

I agree with redfox. Just try to get through it and try not to fight back. I just attended an interesting lecture about parenting and it talked about power struggles. She said that nobody wins with these and the more you pull the harder he will pull. you need to disengage when he comes in and starts bullying you around. Is he telling you to do things that are inappropriate or not something you don't want to do? Or is he just coming in and puffing out his chest and lording over all of you?

If the former, something needs to be done, if the latter then let him puff-don't engage. I would not go to the top person because from what you wrote it doesn't seem she would be any help whatsoever

good luck

[kitten]

Thanks for the responses guys!

I appreciate the info on flooding, Redfox. Had no idea it had a name! I like the idea of doing eye-contact with a supporter. I wish it would work for me. Often my pitch-partner is my boss, and he acts like Borth's blushing bride during these things, just falling all over himself to please the guy. It's stomach-turning. Everyone is running scared with this guy, and that's one of the effects, people stop communicating with each other. They're afraid to move, and don't look at each other - precisely for the reason, I think, that they don't want to be caught out grinning at each other and then getting pounced on by this guy.

Some have said I should step back, stay logical, not be bothered, and others have said I should engage the bully and call him on his $hit. I think these options are not incompatible, and that a strong response would involve both. I'm afraid of him, though, and this is what I stressed to my boss. I'm afraid I'll become so angry that I'll say something this guy will object to, and he'll deck me or something. I'm, like, physically afraid of him. I've stated this, I've put it in email. Everyone's ignoring me on this. I got a note from the pledge drive manager "thanking me for my passion," which is just a pat on the head and an implied criticism that I'm being an emotional woman about this. My company's responses to what I'm going through are what's really getting my goat right now. I keep thinking there's got to be some way to compel them to stand up to him for me - but it's looking like that won't happen. (And maybe they're not obligated to, I'm really not clear on this, and nobody else I've asked about it is, either)

I'm not going to have Borth produce me next time, though, so the issue won't come up for me. I've said that I work best with two other producers, and there's no reason on earth they can't do a little re-scheduling and make that happen next time. If they don't, I'll probably walk - although they'd be really dumb to lose me over this, especially since he's the short-term consultant and I'm their featured personality. Oh gawd, I'm just so sick of my job and these head-in-the-sandmanagers, though, that I'm ready to go. Maybe I'm unconsciously sabotaging myself with this issue. I don't know anymore - I just hate this place so frickin' much.

Thanks again for your thoughtful responses, your nice words mean a lot to me!

[kitten]

Mighty Frugal, I wanted to answer your point about what kind of dynamic it is. Up to now I haven't resisted this guy at all - I've been the most obedient person on the team (yuck), which is why it's so surprising to me that my behavior hasn't elicited a more respectful approach from him by now. So there's been no power struggle to date - just a veneer of professionalism on my part, and a desperate sort of determination to not let him rattle me when my mic is on. This has been exhausting and demoralizing.

(He doesn't ask for anything weird - it's his manner and tone I object to. People are human, they shouldn't bark like dogs at other people.)

Okay, long backstory: when the consultant barreled in here a few months ago, he decided that I was too "low-energy" for the pledge drives, so he yanked me off the air during my own show. I was banished to a recording studio where I recorded my intros to the music. I was not physically permitted to enter the control room (MY control room)!

So I was designated the black sheep. A couple drives later, my boss (or more likely a board member or somebody else with some balls) decided that since it was my show after all, and I'm the most popular host on the station with the largest share of the audience, yada yada, I should be permitted back in the control room. I'm not sure who actually had to go and get the consultant's permission for this (OMG! He works for us!), but it did happen. So that was cool. And in the meantime I promised my boss that I would brighten my style and make it more like what I thought the consultants wanted. And according to him, Borth said he had seen me improve and was happy with my progress, and was glad to invite me back into the control room. (Oh thanks, asshat who doesn't even work here, for letting me back into my studio)...

But he continued to yell at me. And it's just not going to work anymore. Yes, this is what's so frustrating for me, that I have demonstrated my own flexibility and positive attitude by doing what he told me he wanted, and yet I am STILL being punished by him.

I think he just hates women. He also yells at his employee, the co-consultant who works with him. He yells at her to go get stuff when she's in the midst of the drive and can't possibly leave the control room. "Go get the highlighers! NOW!" I've watched how she handles it - she just stares at him and gives him a sheepish, crestfallen smile. (She's his girlfriend too, omg)

Gawd I'm so done with this place...