What set of rules would Emily Post have about Facebook?

[catherine]

I know we're still in our infancy in terms of defining standards of etiquette for social media, but what do you think about this?

I'm "friends" on Facebook with my brother "J" and also with his second wife "M". His first wife "P" died 10 years ago, at age 48, from complications of diabetes. A couple of years later he married "M" who is a wonderful, caring woman with a heart of gold.

Today was the 10th anniversary of "P"s death, and my brother posted on Facebook how it's been 10 years, he loves "M" but thinks of "P" every day. He posted the original obit and his eulogy so people could link to them and remember "P".

Is that tacky? I know he has strong feelings--but I just think the post was a bit insensitive. I just felt a little bad for "M". I wanted to comment on his feelings, but I don't want to dismiss "M" either--she'll read all the comments of course. Maybe she understands the love he had for his first wife and can detach from it but still...

Maybe I'll send him a PM and leave it at that.

[Mrs-M]

I'm with you, Catherine. My heart breaks for "M". It's understandable that new couples (those who have suffered a loss), carry with them, past ties, bonds, and love, but I believe silence is golden related to such, no matter how difficult it may be to hold. I would feel so crushed and defeated.

I can only hope that your brother and his wife, share a mutual understanding Re: such, where no hurt feelings or lesser-than thoughts, simmer.

[Float On]

I may see it a tiny bit differently only because of what several friends went through.
A good friend of mine died shortly after we both had babies (she had breast cancer) her husband then married another of our friends who was also a very good friend with the wife who had died. Death came at a young age. She was 'stolen by death', the marriage didn't end because of a divorce. They still celebrate her life in their marriage.

Another friend, her husband died tragically in a tractor accident about a month after his sister died of cancer. Both lives cut short. My friend and her brother-in law ended up married about 6 months later. They still celebrate the husband and wife who died.

Among these groups of friends its still ok to talk about how much we all loved and miss the ones who died. And I've seen similar posts on Facebook by these friends when the anniversary of the deaths come around.
In our group it's o.k.

[ApatheticNoMore]

I think M needs to grow up if she does :~) I mean ok she may feel naturally hurt and nothing wrong with natural reactions, but after that is processed and after a bit of thought, did she really necessarily expect the love her husband had for the previous wife to die, maybe not anymore than the love people have for their parents die after they do (heck he probably so far has spent more decades of his life with her than with the new wife!). If he had posted "I still miss my grandmother/mom/good friend" or something, and a similar link, noone would have thought anything of it.

[Mrs-M]

While I commend couples who are able to express this sort of predilection, I honestly don't see any part of it as being healthy or adding to the quality of the relationship.

IMO, those who have lost a loved-one and have decided to move on and re-marry or partner, should move on with a structured sense that, what was (in the past) is now over, and it's time to move on. Move on for the sake of oneself, and move on for the sake of the person they are with.

We all understand loss and sorrow, and my entry doesn't go to say that past losses shouldn't be remembered or commemorated, but to harvest such feelings (in their entirety) to me, is both out of place and out of step.

[domestic goddess]

When you have lost a spouse through death, "moving on" is not the same as when you lose an elderly parent, a sad, painful, but expected loss. That is the kind of death from which you can recover and move on with relative ease (not the word "relative". It is never easy, but the premature death of a spouse is really a different matter.)
If you don't know what the status of this is between your brother and "M", then I wouldn't make a public statement on his fb page. This may be something the two of them have already discussed, and she may be more on board than you think. It is normal to miss and want to remember someone who was important in your life, and that person will always be important for the impact they had on your life. And at certain "big" anniversaries, like the 10th, I think it is natural to want to remember that person in some way. Maybe fb isn't the best forum for that, but that is how many people can reach out to people in their lives who may be quite distant to them, and do it all at once, which may help lessen the pain. It doesn't sound as though his grief is crippling, and harmful to their marriage, so I don't think a one day remembrance, even once a year, is really out of line.
I still note the anniversaries of my dh's, his father's, my father's deaths on fb. Usually someone who knew them will also post a story about them, too. Last year was the 10th anniversary of dh's death and it was a big one, as was our 10th wedding anniversary, our 20th, 25th and 30th. I expect those anniversaries of his death will be significant to me, too.
Before jumping on your brother, find out how his wife really felt. If she was really hurt, then you might mention that to him, but I bet he already knows. If it didn't bother her all that much, let it remain between the two of them, and let them work it out in future years.

[Float On]

Thinking about it more and I'd probably write something like "Brother 'J', we miss and fondly remember 'P' and what a joy she was to know and how sad we were she left this life so early...and we're so thankful that you've been given a 2nd opportunity for love with 'M' what a blessing she has been to friends and family."


I just can't say that if my DH died I'd move him out of the love box I've created for him in my heart and move someone else into that same box and never utter his name again....I'd gladly add a 2nd box but it wouldn't be the same.

[catherine]

I totally agree that we don't just wipe the slate clean when situations like this occur. I'm sure my brother's second wife totally understands that he rightfully carries a great deal of love for his first wife, as he also does for his second. I was just thinking about before Facebook, you might mention the anniversary to the relevant parties--friends and family and others who new the deceased one. But in this age of broadcasting everything, I just am wondering how the new social rules are going to pan out.

Also, his former MIL, with whom he was extremely close, just died a few weeks ago, so he's probably feeling that loss as well. When he posted about her passing at that time on Facebook, I didn't think anything of it. But I think the wife thing is a little bit different. However, looks like I may be too sensitive about it.

[Mrs-M]

Originally posted by Catherine.
However, looks like I may be too sensitive about it.I, too, am sensitive about it.

[domestic goddess]

Maybe I'm less touchy about it because I have lost a spouse, and I would hope that a new spouse, if I had one, felt confident enough in my love for him that he could also understand that the love I have for dh1 doesn't just die because he did. I could understand that of a spouse who had lost his wife and allow him the chance to have some kind of memorial. I don't see why using fb makes it any different; for years, maybe generations, people have put notices in the newspaper where everyone in town can read them, and no one thought anything of it. I'm sure most of your brother's friends are aware that his first wife died, and that he has remarried.
It really depends on how "M" feels about it. If she is okay with it, then I don't see that anyone else's opinion figures in to the equation. If she is not okay with it, then it really is between her and your brother. It is fine to sympathize with her, but probably not so fine to jump into this unless your opinion is asked for.
I can't imagine what Emily Post would say about it, or how social networking media changes things, either. Posting remembrances of lost loved ones in public places (such as the newspaper) is really nothing new, and I suppose in the end it will up to each couple to decide how they are going to handle it.

[cattledog]

I'll admit, my first reaction is "oh, poor M." It seems kind of tacky for a public forum (i.e. I love you M, but P is always first in my mind).

[Simplemind]

Domestic goddess +1