Helping an older kid learn to entertain himself [Archive]

Stella

6-22-12, 5:22pm

I am watching a kid this summer who is in his early teens and I'm noticing that he has a lot of trouble entertaining himself for any length of time. I don't think it's something he has learned how to do.

I do some fun stuff around here, but there are definitely chunks of the day when I am dealing with the babies that I expect the older kids to entertain themselves. My kids, even down to 14 month old Travis, are pretty good at that. The older girls run around the neighborhood or occupy themselves with a book or drawing or playing in their room.

This kid pretty much wants to watch TV, play video games and eat. I have restrictions on screen time and I close the kitchen for the morning at 9AM. The first week he went and built forts in the woods and did other cool stuff, but this week he's stuck to the house.

I love this kid. I really do. He's trying really hard to improve and he has had a really, really hard time lately, so I'm trying to be as patient as I can. It's just that right now I have a lot on my own plate too. I need to be able to prepare meals, clean the house and take care of the babies. Charlotte, my youngest, is 8 weeks old. Also, I think it's just healthy for kids to be able to entertain themselves without technology.

I've suggested stuff I know he likes, like fishing in the pond or drawing, but he shoots down all of my ideas. I have ended up just making him go outside when I need to take care of things around here.

Part of the issue also may be the length of time he is here. It was originally supposed to be noon to 5:30 but now he's coming at 7:30AM because his mom says when he's home all he does is eat her out of house and home. He comes here before breakfast and I end up feeling like I don't get my normal downtime to take care of things. Normally the kids and I have breakfast and do our basic chores until about 9:30. My kids don't really whine at me about it because this is what they are used to. I'm mentally tired of the constant need for entertainment by noon and then when the kids are down for their naps I no longer feel like doing as much with the bigger kids.

Miss Cellane

6-22-12, 5:40pm

Several thoughts, in no particular order.

Well, first, just because his mom wants him at your house at 7:30 doesn't mean that you have to have him at that time. I'd go back to the mom and renegotiate. Just be frank and tell her that you need X number of hours in the morning with just your kids. Maybe he could arrive at 9:30 or 10:00.

Include him in the basic chores. There's no reason, if he's going to be there most of the day, he can't help out. 1) It would give some structure to his day, 2) if he's there for hours and hours every day, he's contributing to the need to have chores in the first place and 3) it might make him feel more a part of your family.

Disengage from the need to entertain him. "Sam, there's wood to be chopped, a woods to play in, a pond to fish in. You can do one of those, or you can sit around and be bored. It's your choice." Eventually, most kids find something to do, because boredom drives them nuts. I also think a little boredom is good for kids. They need to know what it feels like. Once they get bored enough, they tend create things to do.

Is a weekly trip to the library possible? Have him check out one book a week, which he has to read at your house. I know, homework over the summer! But it won't kill him, and it couldn't hurt for him to read a bit. There are books on how video games are made, books about fishing, books about drawing. At the very least, the threat of having to, horrors!, read, might make him find something to do on his own.

Have him help you with the baby. Some teenaged boys are really good with little kids.

awakenedsoul

6-22-12, 5:43pm

Geez Stella! That sounds exhausting. It sounds like the mother is dumping her responsibility on you. It's her child. If he's eating her out of house and home then she needs to set boundaries and get him exercising, helping with chores, or something constructive. I agree that a lot of kids seem to need to be entertained these days. As a child, I was happy with a book in my room, writing letters at my desk, practicing dances in the garage, or helping my mom. I spent a lot of time riding bikes with my best friend and playing outside. It sound like it's draining you. Even noon to 5:30 is a long day! Why is he allowed to shoot down your ideas? You're the adult, so if you tell him it's time to go fishing, or sit at the table and work on some drawing, he should do it. When I was young we did as we were told. Children seem spoiled yet neglected to me these days. It's sad. Their parents are always working...I think they try to make up for it with stuff. Maybe he's trying to make up for it with food.

sweetana3

6-22-12, 6:16pm

I dont know what his interest is but there is a great book out there called something like 750 Science Experiments that can be done at home. Some kids like to investigate things.

Early teens, a difficult time. I actually feel sorry for him.

I would also suggest a plan that if he continues to complain of boredom, have some chores to do like sweeping the garage, edging the lawn, pulling weeds, washing the floors or accessible windows. Bet he figures out something easier like reading is better.

7:30 to 5:30 at a stranger's house with rules is difficult for anyone really. Your kids have the familiar around them from their own rooms and their own stuff. I like the idea of the library and found a lot of interesting things there.

Kathy WI

6-22-12, 7:14pm

I have a 13yo son and it's a weird age. Kids at that age automatically hate everything adults like, and don't want to do anything that adults think would be fun for them, and they're way too cool to take your suggestions. They're super self-conscious, too old to "play" like kids but not old enough to be interested in adult things. Also, teenage boys tend to eat huge amounts of food, and that's normal for them. My son's routine so far this summer is to sleep late, play computer games for 1.5 hours (that's our limit), then walk to the library and hang out at the teen center there. Every day. He doesn't want to go to the beach which is easy walking distance, or ride his bike, or anything else because all those things are so totally lame.

I would suggest giving him a chore to do every day that takes awhile, limit TV time and have him decide in advance what shows he wants to watch, and just let him hang out and do nothing if that's what he wants to do. If he's the library type, you could suggest he go there or get a ton of books, or you could go there yourself and get a boatload of manga or car magazines or whatever he might be into, just to get him started.

try2bfrugal

6-22-12, 7:16pm

Does he have any friends? If so are they in your area? My concern from your post is that would be lonely to be a kid his age without other teens around.

With our kids I would make a list for the summer of different things they could do: art classes, visit a friend in another state for a week, do volunteer work, summer school, music lessons, join a pool club, plan a couple of camping trips, Scout camp, be active in the archery club, hiking, biking, tennis lessons, do chores for money, summer school, etc. They could add whatever they wanted to the list but they had to have a few big things planned and some things each week so they weren't just playing video games all day. Expecting a young teen to keep himself entertained at someone else's house all day in the summer without kids his own age around seems like he would most likely be bored.

You are more limited in your choices since this isn't your son but maybe you could work out something with his mom. Or help him plan and commit to activities other than TV / video games, like a structured day with walking the dog each day, hiking, biking, going to the library, skateboarding, taking an online course, making a video, reading, volunteer work, drawing or baking.

Fawn

6-22-12, 8:45pm

My youngest is 13...and I have a new "adoptive" child....really just 13 year old's friend, who has little interest or supervision at home. So, that gives me real-live-face-time with 5 teenagers that age. Nothing worked for all of them, but here is what worked for at least one of them:

1) organized sports...anything competative...baseball, skateboards, frisbee golf, racing bikes to the library...
2) reading...anything. Library books, books from friends or gifts, cereal boxes
3) chores, work, making money. Detasseling corn (hot, sweaty itchy work) cleaning animal manure, mowing grass (acres of it,) working at the candy shoppe, babysitting (!!!)
4) being good enough at a musical instrument to play for the local theatre ($300+ per 2 week show)
5) riding bike to park...hanging out w/ friends at park...
6) designing website. Fixing computer when malware made it unusable for middle-aged ignorant mom.
7) in past years, I have paid $300+ for a week of speciality camps-- clarinet, baseball, saxophone, etc. Sometimes, when the kid is passionate about something, it is worth extra $$$ to set them up with someone who can deliver. This is not the same thing as sending your kid to every braniac/baby einstien/suzuki opportunity that is e-mailed to you.

AmeliaJane

6-22-12, 10:44pm

Gosh, that is a tough situation to be in on both sides. I sympathize that he is driving you crazy, and also that to be honest, at that age I would have been pretty bored spending ten hours a day somewhere where the nearest kid to my age was five years younger (right?) and opposite gender. Is there any way this kid can be placed in some kind of organized activity with his peers for part of the time, even if you have to help orchestrate it? I ask because I have a nephew that age who IS good at entertaining himself, and his parents still make sure he spends at least half the summer in structured activities to keep everyone from losing their minds. Barring that--if he wants to hang around during work time, can you put him to work? Thirteen year olds can totally change diapers. Actually, 13 is old enough for the Red Cross babysitting class. Also, I wonder if it would help to be a little more explicit about the daily schedule with him. You might think the rhythm of the day would be totally obvious to a kid who is in your house constantly, but young teens can be amazingly oblivious. Maybe there would be less asking to be entertained if it is written out somewhere that 7:30-9:30 is breakfast and chores, 9:30-10:30 is morning big kid screen time, 10:30-12:00 you entertain yourself or do work around the house, noon-12:30 is lunch, 12:30-2:00 is nap time/project time, etc....

Stella

6-22-12, 10:53pm

Great suggestions everyone! This is just what I'm looking for.

His mom isn't trying to take advantage, she and I are both just worried about him. He has had such a bad year with bullying and school trouble and his absent-since-birth father taking the extra step into jerko-land and weaseling out of any child support. When he's at home he sits in the darkened house with the TV on and eats to kill the boredom and I'm sure out of pain. His mom has to work and since his Dad no longer even contributes financially she is in a tough place too.

It really is a lot right at this moment for me, but I used to be that kid when I was 13 and a few really patient adults helped me when I needed it, so I see this as paying it forward. This kid is smart, funny and cool. I think we need to find our groove and it's harder than usual because I'm still finding my groove with the new baby.

He is starting to make friends around here. Maybe I should talk to some of the other 13 year old boys, many of whom I know well, and see if maybe they can invite him to do a few things with them. This thread has the wheels turning now. I know he and I will get this figured out.

Valley

6-22-12, 11:47pm

I am the mother of two grown men and 13 is a very important time in their development. I think that you have hit the nail on the head...you need to talk to the kids that you know in the neighborhood that are his age and see what you can come up with. This boy really needs a friend or at least some acquaintances while he is in your care. You are a wonderful friend and a very compassionate person...they are both lucky to have you in their lives...just as you were lucky to find that patient adult you needed when you were 13. God bless you Stella...the world is a better place because you are a part of it!

try2bfrugal

6-23-12, 1:53am

Is he being bullied because he is shy? We have one child that is somewhat shy and it helped to try to have the cool party house the other kids wanted to hang out at. I am not sure what you have time for, but pizza parties, working with his mom to plan a sleepover / back yard camp out, hotdogs on the grill, some mores on the fire pit, driving the kids to the movies, inviting kids over to bake and eat chocolate cookies, water balloon fights, nerf wars, squirt gun fights, a recent DVD and popcorn, and other events along those lines seemed to help.

There are a lot of great books on how to help kids develop social skills. The great thing I learned from the books was that social skills can be learned just like kids can learn to skateboard. It just isn't something commonly taught. Some good books I found helpful were -

Raising an Optimistic Child
Conversationally Speaking
Help for Shy People
The Shyness Breakthrough

If this child is being bullied then he probably really needs some social skills coaching and a place where he can practice those skills in a safe environment, especially with kids his own age. What about structured programs like Boy Scouts, the YMCA, church programs, junior Rotary, 4H, a theater group, sports teams, chess clubs, day camps, or teen volunteer jobs in your area? We live near an animal rescue shelter and there are lots of local kids volunteering there walking dogs and feeding the animals. When I was 13 I did volunteer work at a hospital which I used as experience to get a paying job when I was an older teen.

I really think 3 or 4 structured group settings help shy kids to develop social skills, and then they can move on from there to inviting kids over and making some one on one friends. Our shy child made many friends through Scouts.

Tussiemussies

6-23-12, 2:35am

Hi Stella -- first I just want to congratulate you on the birth of your baby. I wrote in other threads but it didn't seem that you visited them again.

Just from hearing your description of this boy's life -- I think he is in a depression with food addiction being the way he is handling some of it. At firstI was thinking of getting him involved in his hobbies but you mentioned he has no interest-- another sign of depression. I would bring this up to his Mom . Maybe there is an anti- depression medication he can safely take, as I realize some for teens can make them feel sucidcidal. Getting involved in things he enjoys is key. Playing computer games all of the time is just mentally checking out..

Just my opinion.

PS I would be really careful about him meeting the guys in the neighborhood since he has dealt with a lot of rejection, if they reject him it could make things worse for him.

Good luck with this situation. You have a lot on your plate right now...I do agree that it a great sign of a good character that you care so much and want to be pro-active. Thanks for caring!

Christine

Rosemary

6-23-12, 6:44am

I'm observing my nephew in this stage - not knowing what to do with himself, not wanting to do anything suggested by any well-meaning adult. He seems to eventually find something to do IF TV is off-limits. If it isn't, then he'll just sit around and watch the screen.

I wonder if there are any simple tasks related to your home improvement stuff that he could help with, and thereby learn some skills that might boost his self-esteem. Sanding, painting? Or a problem that he could solve for you: for instance, "Here is what we want. We want a space to do (something) but it needs to fit within (dimensions). Can you think of how to do that?" or "(name} would really like (this kind of toy}. Can you think of how to make one out of household items?" Otherwise, some basic chores for at least part of that long day, perhaps vacuuming since that is probably time-consuming in your multilevel house. Time at the library. Maybe his mom could supply him with a sketch book and some drawing pencils (older kid-friendly craft supplies) and he and your older ones could keep nature notebooks. Assign him lunch-making one or two days/week - everyone needs to learn to cook (and clean up - he could do that a couple of other days).

artist

6-23-12, 9:01am

I did home daycare for years and while I have stopped doing that, I do still occassionally watch my friend's 12 year old son, Dan. Some thoughts. Dan has jobs here. He mows the lawn does some of the outdoor clean up and is in charge of caring for the dog while he's here. I also recognize that he doesn't have anyone to interact with. It's a long summer without someone to do something with, so I make sure to take time for playing cards and board games on occassion. I know you can't do that with little ones, but if it's built into the schedule with older kids for games like Sorry, Uno etc.. then it may be more fun for him. Are there kids in the neighborhood he can do something with? Do you have a friend with a boy around his age who maybe will go fishing at the pond with him? Hope this helps

Miss Cellane

6-23-12, 9:45am

Thinking about your update, is there anything he could teach your kids? Like how to draw, or tennis lessons, or something like that? I'm wondering if it would help him to be the one in charge, so to speak, for half an hour a day. The responsibility might do him good.

Stella

6-23-12, 3:22pm

Excellent, excellent suggestions everyone! You've given me a lot to think about. I think I'm going to sift through all of the information and try to come up with a plan. You guys are the best!

nswef

6-23-12, 7:16pm

Good luck Stella, you are wonderful for taking on the challenge and I imagine he is much happier to be with your family- as bored as he sys he is- than home alone in the dark with his thoughts. Did I read elsewhere that your dad is around? Sometimes time with an older adult is interesting for both sides. Just a thought. I also second the idea of helping with the baby if you are willing.

Wildflower

6-23-12, 7:41pm

Ahhh, those early teen years are rough. I remember. Stella, if I were you I would make him a real part of the family and give him daily chores. Put him in charge of something specific daily. This will help with his self esteem to be given responsibility and perform it well. At least, I hope he will perform it well or to the best of his abilities. Then have fun time and quiet time too. I remember summer days being particularly long and boring when I was that age. My Mother kept me busy with chores in the morning, then I had quiet reading time/art time in the afternoon when my younger sister and Mother napped.

Where in the USA can a Dad weasel out of child support without being arrested? Where I live if the Dad that is named on the child's birth certificate as the legal father - he would be arrested if he doesn't pay his child support.

Bless you, Stella, for taking care of this boy. I'm sure you and your family add so much to his life. It just makes me sad reading about how tough it is for him and his mother....

Stella

6-24-12, 12:14am

nswef you are right, my dad is around. Maybe I should talk to him. The kid in question is quite interested in biology, which my Dad has a degree in, so they do have something in common.

Where in the USA can a Dad weasel out of child support without being arrested? Where I live if the Dad that is named on the child's birth certificate as the legal father - he would be arrested if he doesn't pay his child support.

He hasn't worked in a couple of years and his only income is from a disability check he gets for another child he has, so that is obviously not something they can touch for child support. He petitioned the court to temporarily stop the child support for four years so he can go to school, but in four years this kid will be 17 and nearly done with child support so he's pretty much S.O.L. My friend was so upset. This guy has been pretty sporadic about the child support as it was, but now it's basically not an option unless he decides to get a job. It really kind of ticks me off that he can get off that easily. I was shocked beyond words that the court granted his request. He never sees this kid or his oldest son, who lives with the Dad's parents and is fully supported by them. I think when the kid is 17 and the child support goes back in affect she should see if she can get some kind of child support help with his college costs to make up for the lack of help during his high school years. The kid is really, really into fish and wants to do something with marine biology or fish and wildlife management. I think Daddy needs to chip in for that if he can't be bothered to pay right now. Sorry. That was bitter sounding wasn't it? Kids getting screwed over is one of the few things that get me really riled up. He just deserves better.

Stella

6-24-12, 12:15am

Hi Stella -- first I just want to congratulate you on the birth of your baby. I wrote in other threads but it didn't seem that you visited them again.

Thanks Christine!

Tussiemussies

6-24-12, 12:23am

Very happy for you Stella!

Rosemary

6-24-12, 8:05am

This might involve someone driving him somewhere, but I wonder if he could apply his interest in marine environments by volunteering somewhere. What about Silverwood Park's lake management? If there isn't an active program, maybe he could talk with the park board about beginning one - testing the water on a regular basis, counting fish and microorganisms in the water, monitoring populations of nesting birds, etc?

Stella

6-24-12, 8:30am

Rosemary that is a fantastic idea. I am going to e-mail Tom, the big boss at Silverwood and see if there is anything like that.

Gardenarian

6-25-12, 7:13pm

Just wanted to add that my dd, just turned 13, also seems to need to eat about every 20 minutes. Geez, I hope it's just a growth spurt! I have found that carbs don't hold her at all; I really have to pile on the protein.

I hope your kid makes a good pal soon - it makes a world of difference.
Bless you for being such a good friend and taking on this extra when you already have - what, 6 kids under the age of 8? You are a wonder!

Stella

6-26-12, 8:00am

Thanks Gardenarian! I think protein is a good idea for meals. I do think he's in a growth spurt. A whole bunch of kids are in a growth spurt around here. My 8 year old can, as of this week, wear the same shoes as me. :help:

Just to update, yesterday was a fantastic day. After I dropped my bigger kids at Vacation Bible School I took the kid I'm watching plus my younger kids and our 12 year old neighbor walking by the lake at the park. I had asked him to teach me and the other kids about Minnesota fish and he was pointing out all of the places different species of fish like to breed and where they like to hang out and why. He explained what are the best kinds of fishing spots for different types of fish and what they like to eat. We went out on the docks and saw some baby turtles and waded in the water in the canoe area. When we got to the biggest hills he volunteered to push the stroller for me.

When we got home he volunteered to make me a tuna melt, but then realized he doesn't know how. :) Instead I showed him how to make one. He and the 12 year old watched a documentary on lions while I got some down time and then they went fishing in the pond. Later on the 12 year olds mom took the kids swimming and I joined them when Zach got home from work.

One of the 13 year olds in the neighborhood is giving me a bunch of books for him to read. The neighbor kid and I have been talking about starting a book club for kids. Possibly, two, one for the older kids and one for the younger kids. Anyway, the kid I'm watching said he is willing to do some reading in the down times for this book club.

The neighbor kid and I are also planning a stargazing party and are putting together some materials for all of the other kids to study constellations and planets a bit before we go. We have two offers of places in the country to host the stargazing party, one of them at the vacation farm of yet another 12 year old neighbor kid. Two of these kids have telescopes and I have my SkyView app for the iPhone and iPad. The kid I am watching seemed interested in participating and willing to look at the study materials.

I've also given the kid a basket on my storage shelves in the family room so he can bring his stuff and have somewhere to put it. He's going to bring his book of Minnesota fish for his teaching project. I was thinking of asking him if he could draw us a little pocket guide of the various types of fish so the other kids could have one. It would give him incentive to draw.