View Full Version : Nearing the end
domestic goddess
7-5-12, 2:28pm
I had many calls from my brother last night about our mother. I will drive down tomorrow, as I need a little time to arrange transportation. Last night was the worst yet, but after the hospice nurse gave her some pain medication, she improved significantly, and is doing better now. Because she is a hospice patient, I can stay with her in her room at the nursing home. But it isn't realistic to assume that there is really much time left. Last night, they didn't think she would survive 24 hours. I'm hoping she has a little more time than that, but I don't want it to be so long that she suffers. The pastor of her church was there for hours, and so was my brother, his daughter and her uncle, on her mother's side of the family, so Mom wasn't alone.
I find that I may have cleared a little too much out of my wardrobe, at least for my comfort. I really haven't much that is presentable to wear while staying in with her in the nursing home, and making the later trips to the funeral home, lawyer, etc. I do have an outfit I can wear to the service, when that becomes necessary. They are having weather like ours, with temps of 100 degrees and more, but the humidity is much worse than ours. It isn't unusual at all for me to be cold in air conditioning, and I have several jackets and sweaters for that. Otherwise, I sort of look like a homeless or very poor person, but I am washing what I have so I am at least clean and relatively decent. Silly to think of such things at a time like this, but it is surprising what comes to mind.
Nothing tests our mettle like the death of a loved one--particularly a parent, with all the accompanying emotional complexities. After the death of my mother, particularly, I felt something similar to PTSD; you'll doubtless process a tsunami of memories, what-ifs, and random feelings in the days to come. You'll discover you're stronger and weaker than you imagined, and it will probably take you longer than you estimate to regain your equilibrium. It's a rough ride.
domestic goddess
7-5-12, 3:17pm
JaneV2.0, I know you are right. I still have those moments since my dad's death nearly 7 years ago. Everyone thinks I am doing well, or that I am heartless, because I can pull myself together at the time and handle all the little details that no one else wants to be bothered with. But it all comes out when I am alone. And although I am far more like my dad, the introvert, there is a special relationship between mothers and daughters that brings a whole lot of emotional stuff with it. Just the other day I was thinking about something and it occurred to me that I was about at the point when I would usually call my mom and talk about it with her. Can't do that now, and soon won't be able to do it at all.
I'm planning my meals and preparing food for the road. Need to make some more iced tea tonight, and hope I can find the big insulated container we have for such things. We already have plenty of lemons, and I just bought cherries and things for sandwiches. It is a long drive-12 hours- and I will need plenty to stay awake, or I will stop at a roadside rest area if I have to . I can never sleep if I do that, but it is good to get out of the car for awhile, as once I get started, I don't stop except for gas.Since I'll be doing a lot of driving during the day (thought I really prefer to drive at night) it will be a little easier to stay awake.
Maybe I'll make some cookies tonight so I can get my full sugar requirement!
Jane, so very well put.
DG - as someone who recently watched my dad pass in a way that seems much like that of your mom - my heart breaks for you. You have my condolences, dear. As Jane said, you will laugh, cry and feel so overwhelmed. If you can, take advantage of the services to family members provided by hospice. I hope you can glean some good memories in the time you have remaining. You won't regret it.
Take care of yourself in every way you can. Try to sleep, eat and exercise. It's been less than two months since dad died. In hindsight, there are things that I could have done better. In the two weeks he was in hospital (my dad was completely fine and at home prior to the "very end") and the following three weeks, I missed a meal at least daily. Too many of the meals I did eat were not good quality. On the day of the service, I was so upset with dh that I told him I wasn't speaking to him any longer. This was over a pair of underwear! I mean really - I am totally in crisis mode, and he yells out from the shower that he's forgotten his drawers. Simple problem, simple solution - but I lost it! Make sure those around you can support you and handle all the behind the scenes issues. When a neighbor, friend or extended relative asks what they can do - give them a task, no matter how small. Next door neighbors can mow the lawn, water plants, get in the mail, etc.
Cyber hugs and warm thoughts being sent your way.
Tussiemussies
7-5-12, 3:29pm
So sorry Domestic Goddess to hear about what you are going through.
Take it gently with yourself. Have a safe drive there and back.
Very insightful words Jane!
Hugs to you domestic goddess and have a safe trip. Let us know how things go and how you are doing.
I am so sorry domestic goddess. I hope you can find the strength you will need in the coming weeks.
Imerullo- my sympathies to you on the loss of your dad. I see this same scenario looming with my own dad within a year or less.
No great words of wisdom here but wishing you the best in a sad situation. (((DG)))
I wish you peace, domestic goddess.
I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Bless you.
Miss Cellane
7-5-12, 8:45pm
I'm sorry you are going through this. You will be in my thoughts.
And don't feel silly about worrying about your clothes. The last three family funerals I've had to attend (my father, an uncle and an aunt) have all been in the middle of heat waves. The clothing I have for hot weather--well, it's not exactly funeral appropriate. I had to run around to put together something that would be cool enough but also serious enough for the occasion. I can remember my mother having to run out and buy a black dress for her mother's funeral many years ago. Not everyone has an appropriate somber outfit for every season just sitting in the closet on the off chance it might be needed.
Blackdog Lin
7-5-12, 8:51pm
Been there, done that (understanding the stressing about proper clothing and travel arrangements and all.....) Wishing you peace, and Godspeed to your Mom.....
Domestic Goddess taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do right now as hard as that can be.
Please drive carefully and as rested as possible.
Imerullo--Sorry for your recent loss....
Jane I love how you addressed this; it so describes how we feel at these difficult times in our lives.
OP, sorry to hear this. I hadn't realized that your mother was this close to death.
It's a big deal losing a parent no matter our age.
Just wanted to offer you a big old hug (((domestic goddess)))
May you find peace and strength in the midst of these difficult circumstances.
On practical thing 'though I have no idea if this will help: were I in your shoes, I would put my address book (yes, a paper book!) out where my daughter could find it, or else I'd take it with me. You can always ask someone to call all of the relatives and friends in your book about your mom's passing and funeral plans when one of them steps forward to ask "what can I do?".
I'm sorry to hear this, DG. Good thoughts and prayers for you, your mom, and your family.
You have my sympathy. Losing a parent is so hard. Drive carefully and take care of yourself.
It was my dad's death that made me realize how much I loved and missed him.
He had joined the RCAF during WW2, hoping to be sent to England to fight the Nazis. He was, at 30 years old, to be too old to be the fighter pilot he longed to be--instead he was trained as a service policeman and sent to the Aleutian Islands as a guard for the Japanese who had arrived, probably by a submarine, to spy on the US and Canadian forces there.
After the war was over, he still longed to go to England, but at the time my mother was too frightened to fly there with him, until she had had several surgeries for throat cancer and he had had a mild heart attack, that she decided to go with him, so they arranged a tour of England and a hotel room to stay for the first night.
When they landed in London, they took a taxi to their hotel, unpacked and went to the hotel dining room for dinner.
Dad ordered a steak for dinner, and had a bite of steak which stuck in his throat, and died from a final heart attack. He died from a fatal heart attack when no one knew the heimlich procedure, before even seeing the rest of England.
I was called in the early morning by the hotel staff, who informed me that my dad had died. I wanted to go there to help my mother cope with her husband's death, but didn't have a passport then, so couldn't be with her to help her.
She arrived home with an urn of his ashes.
Because I wasn't able to tell him how much I loved and respected him, it took me years to believe he was dead.
For years after, I used to tell him in my mind how I was raising my own four sons. He loved kids and would have been happy knowing how much I loved my sons and all their adventures.
I still miss him.
DG, so sorry to hear this. Like others have said, losing a parent is so hard, no matter the age of either of you. I recall when my mother was dying and she, me, dad and the hospice social worker were sitting at the dining room table talking. The social worker asked each of us what we were most afraid of in the process and it was at that moment that I realized that even though I was in my mid 30s and had been successful and independent for well over a decade I had always viewed my parents as the two people in the world that I knew would always have a solution to any problem or situation that might come up. With mom sitting there dying and dad bugging out over it I realized that this was the first time where that wasn't the case.
Please be careful while driving. The other thing I really remember about that trip was driving from my parents' house back to the airport and getting to the gas station at the airport and realizing that I had absolutely no recollection of the 40 minute drive I'd just taken to get there because I was so engulfed in my thoughts.
Oh Lizii, what a sad yet very beautiful story! We all have to live life while we can and then accept death with as much grace as possible. So easy to say...so, so hard to do!
Dometic Goddess soo sorry. I'm much like you appear to be fine around people. I process my emotions when I'm by myself. Take care.
DG, My heart is with you. These days will be like no others you have ever lived before or ever will experience again. They are sacred days. Breathe deep and accept the very sympathy and caring that will come your way and is already coming your way from these boards. My sincere condolences.
{{{Domestic Goddess}}} Don't worry about what floats through your mind. Just do the best you can and call it good. It just simply doesn't matter what you wear as long as you are decent. Bless you and have a safe trip.
When it's all done the last thing you will remember is what you were wearing. You'll most likely remember the last meaningful conversations you had. The things you got to tell her. And the way families have a way of rallying around each other at these times. You'll remember the blessing of this time once the pain starts to fade.
My Dad died of a sudden heart attack when I was only 19. I had been away for over a month cooking at a bible camp and hadn't seen him in all that time. I got a call just as we put the final Sunday meal for a retreat on the table. It was my sister telling me I had to come home because my dad had died. I couldn't wrap my brain around it at first. The first thing I asked who's dad had died. I got one final gift that I'll never forget. I got to see my dad the day before he died very unexpectedly. My mom and my sister had come for a work day at the camp the day before and were supposed to ride the 120 miles back home with another family that came for the work day. There was a bad storm the night before and that couple's house flooded and they couldn't come. So my father drove the 120 miles to pick them up. He came to visit me in the kitchen, told me he missed me and loved me. That was unusual for him. And he gave me a big hug. He was gone the next day. The only thing I can be sure of is that I was wearing an apron.
domestic goddess
7-6-12, 4:29pm
Thank you all so much. I have had tasks to do today, so I have been pretty much in control. My original travel plans didn't work out (isn't that always the way?!), so instead of driving, I will take the train, which I much prefer, and go tomorrow evening rather than today.I hope I get there in time, but if I don't, so be it. Though it is hard; as Lizii said, you kind of need that chance to tell your parents how much they have meant to you, and how you have modelled your parenting on theirs. I was about half-way home when my db called and told me that our dad had died, and I still haven't completely gotten over the fact that I didn't get a chance to say some things to him. I hope I get the chance to say something to my mom.
Iris Lily, Good idea about the address book, but I will use my mom's, since it will have her friends' addresses in it. I may buy some note cards and stamps to take with me.
It is hard to believe how much must be done to end a life. My brother and I are going to pre-arrange funeral and burial things, and move some of her money around, to pay off bills at the nursing home and for hospice.My niece has suffered a number of losses, and I am going to suggest that she look into group therapy through hospice.
jp1, I am nearly 60, and I still wish my folks could be my sounding board. I guess you never outgrow that role they play in your life.
I am getting a little afraid that this will drag on and on. She is uncomfortable and must be sedated often to keep her from being real agitated. I don't want that to happen. Hospice has suggested that they quit feeding her, and they have, so I feel the end will be soon. I hope it will be. Soon and quiet.
DG,
It sounds like you have all practical matters well in hand. I sometimes think that such mundanities exist to help us through the process. In buddhism, they are called "bardos." There are several, and they are distinct for the person passing and then also for the persons who care for/about the person passing. This Badro is the 'next to last' -- as there is the bardo after death as well (called, interestingly enough "the last bardo").
WHat I find most comforting about this idea is that 1. where ever you are, whatever you are feeling, you are normal and everything is "as it should be;" and 2. as an outsider, I can be reminded "right, bardo." So anything crazy, strange, unusual that comes up and out -- is, well, "see 1."
You and your family (and your mom) are in my thoughts.
domestic goddess
7-6-12, 4:52pm
Well, things are just going great.I just got a call from Amtrak, saying that my train has been cancelled due to a service disruption. I'm on hold with them now.
Service is being shut down due to power failures due to storms. I can only get to Cincinnati. So they are going to refund my money in 3-5 days(!), and I have to make other arrangements now. This will be the second time I've had to change travel plans. I really need for something to go right now.
loosechickens
7-6-12, 5:34pm
so sorry to hear this, domestic goddess....and so sorry, too, to hear of all the transportation difficulties at this sad time, that you have to contend with as well. Warm cyberhugs coming your way......
Do you fly? Can you get a bereavement fare from an airline?
So sorry--I know how frustrating it is not being able to move forward and get there!
ETA: I googled and found that there are discounted rates for medical emergencies on American and United.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with so much. I hope you are able to get there soon.
When it's all done the last thing you will remember is what you were wearing. You'll most likely remember the last meaningful conversations you had. The things you got to tell her. And the way families have a way of rallying around each other at these times. You'll remember the blessing of this time once the pain starts to fade.
My Dad died of a sudden heart attack when I was only 19. I had been away for over a month cooking at a bible camp and hadn't seen him in all that time. I got a call just as we put the final Sunday meal for a retreat on the table. It was my sister telling me I had to come home because my dad had died. I couldn't wrap my brain around it at first. The first thing I asked who's dad had died. I got one final gift that I'll never forget. I got to see my dad the day before he died very unexpectedly. My mom and my sister had come for a work day at the camp the day before and were supposed to ride the 120 miles back home with another family that came for the work day. There was a bad storm the night before and that couple's house flooded and they couldn't come. So my father drove the 120 miles to pick them up. He came to visit me in the kitchen, told me he missed me and loved me. That was unusual for him. And he gave me a big hug. He was gone the next day. The only thing I can be sure of is that I was wearing an apron.
Charity, What a profound blessing that you and your Dad were able to say goodbye even though you didn't know it was the last time. Thank you for sharing this glimpse of a sacred moment in your life.
Thank you all so much. I have had tasks to do today, so I have been pretty much in control. My original travel plans didn't work out (isn't that always the way?!), so instead of driving, I will take the train, which I much prefer, and go tomorrow evening rather than today.I hope I get there in time, but if I don't, so be it. Though it is hard; as Lizii said, you kind of need that chance to tell your parents how much they have meant to you, and how you have modelled your parenting on theirs. I was about half-way home when my db called and told me that our dad had died, and I still haven't completely gotten over the fact that I didn't get a chance to say some things to him. I hope I get the chance to say something to my mom.
Iris Lily, Good idea about the address book, but I will use my mom's, since it will have her friends' addresses in it. I may buy some note cards and stamps to take with me.
It is hard to believe how much must be done to end a life. My brother and I are going to pre-arrange funeral and burial things, and move some of her money around, to pay off bills at the nursing home and for hospice.My niece has suffered a number of losses, and I am going to suggest that she look into group therapy through hospice.
jp1, I am nearly 60, and I still wish my folks could be my sounding board. I guess you never outgrow that role they play in your life.
I am getting a little afraid that this will drag on and on. She is uncomfortable and must be sedated often to keep her from being real agitated. I don't want that to happen. Hospice has suggested that they quit feeding her, and they have, so I feel the end will be soon. I hope it will be. Soon and quiet.
DG, I am the same age as you and I relate so well to your comment about wishing your folks could be your sounding board. Over time I have found that when I go to a quiet space and think of them and talk to them I can feel their spirits listening to me. They are still my sounding board and always will be. But that doesn't mean I don't miss them terribly.
Prayers and good thoughts that this will be a swift and peaceful passage.
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