Always self-doubting what helps you?

[oceanfamily]

I thought this would be the the best place for such a question...it seems I doubt myself so much. Is there any books or things that helped you get out of this rut? I'm getting very excited planning my steps to simplify but this is where I really doubt my decisions. I feel that I'm so drawn to this way of life but am always so worried about what people think of me...you'd think with 40 being right around the corner, you'd think I would be getting better with this.

[JaneV2.0]

I've spent much of my life trying to use logic to solve problems when i would have been better served by following my instincts--and I've thus made many mistakes. I suspect those people who function easiest and best in life have learned the art and skill of consulting and trusting their viscera. I don't have any tips other than to say that when you hear that inner voice, pay attention! (And other people will criticize you regardless of what you do--if you don't believe me, just keep reading this forum! :devil:)

[SteveinMN]

My dad used to say, 'You wouldn't worry so much about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.
-- Dr. Phil (Phil McGraw)
OF, pop psychologists and certain cloistered social situations aside, most folks have their own stuff to worry about. Unless what you're doing affects them directly, most people will let you have the freedom to be you that they would want for themselves.

As Jane says, it is key to follow your instincts (though I prefer to call it intuition since fear is an instinct and that's what you're trying to address). You may be driven daily by routine or what you think you should do, but, if you can step back for a few moments and reflect, your body will tell you what is right for you. Your intuitive path is calmer and less prone to belly butterflies and stress.

Somewhat different from Jane, I tend to use a lot of logic to address my instincts: I look for inconsistencies in my behavior -- what I do versus what I say I want to do. That really helps with "I should" (external expectations) versus "I need to" (internal values). I also willingly re-examine why I believe what I do. Sometimes that evaluation helps me arrive at a truer value or belief, which makes addressing situations easier next time.

All of that, however, takes some time. Simplifying helps a lot, but you need to be able to carve some time out of your day -- even if just a few minutes at the time -- to evaluate how well your decision is working for you -- and, if it isn't, why. Once you have some core values in place, I believe it will be much easier to minimize self-doubt.

[bunnys]

I think you need to try and figure out what you're getting out of your current way of thinking in order to help you stop thinking that way. You are getting something from the constant second-guessing and doubting. I don't know what that is--only you can figure that out. But currently it's benefiting you in some way (probably emotionally) to continue with this habit of thinking.

Once you realize what this is doing for you, you can judge whether the it's worth the cost to you. Then, if you decide it isn't worth the cost to continue thinking that way you can start the process of rejecting that way of thinking and replacing it with a thought pattern that actually gets you what you want.

I am currently in the process of doing this myself. I am constantly catching myself engaging in the old thought pattern. I have to stop and actively reject that thinking (realizing how costly it is for me) and then replace it with the new thought pattern. It is hard work to do this. But I know that I finally totally understand where this is coming from and I know how much it's costing me and I've decided I no longer want to pay this price because it isn't worth it to me. So I KNOW I will eventually get there and the new way of thinking will replace the old. I'll probably never completely let go of the old way of thinking because it was my reality for so long but I know I'll be able to change for the better on a permanent basis.

Good luck to you, too!

[awakenedsoul]

oceanfamily,
One time I reread an old journal I had from my twenties and I was shocked at how much I doubted myself. It really helped me to go back and read it, because my impressions were always right! In retrospect I could so easily see where I had gone off my path. There's a great book by Rhonda Hetzel called Down To Earth, a Guide to Simple Living. It really inspired me, and helped me to speed up my plan of living simply. She's in Australia. You can order the book through Fishpond.com.

"It's not what other people think, it's what you think." (A line from the Broadway musical "My One and Only".

[chord_ata]

Ready, fire, re-aim. Avoid analysis paralysis.

Much of live turns out well no matter what we do. The fear of consequences from choosing incorrectly a hundred times more often than the actual consequence turning out to be severe.

The human mind really doesn't plan comprehensively well. Just look at the results of central planned economies.

What works well is continuous improvement. Start doing something and improve as you go.

In the software world, a piece of software doesn't really get good (or at least reasonable) until the third iteration.

[mtnlaurel]

I recently read an interesting book that had 30 days of exercises. It was about how to deal with your inner critic and more.

Making a Change for Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline by Cheri Huber

http://www.amazon.com/Making-Change-Good-Compassionate-Self-Discipline/dp/1590302087

Although I didn't follow the book word for word, it had some good nuggets in there for me.

I like what you had to say chord_ata!

[oceanfamily]

I am so amazed at the beautiful, honest replies...JANE! your thought about how people will criticize me whatever I do...that has struck me like you wouldn't believe! That is so true! That thought is going to be with me for a very long time. Thank you so much!
awakenedsoul~ I read Rhonda's blog a lot! I had the book in my cart at Fishpond but I wasn't at all crazy about the shipping price. I thought I'd wait to see if Amazon stocks it again:)

All of you have helped me in one way or another..thank you:) I hope we get more replies because I believe this thread will help other self doubters out there too.....

[Selah]

Give whatever you're thinking of a try, and tell yourself that if you don't like it, you can switch back to the old ways. Sometimes giving yourself an "out" creates less stress subconsciously if you have conflicting and competing values with respect to a new choice you're making. For example, you may want to switch "down" to a less expensive car, which appeals to your desire for frugality and simplicity (no car payment, yay!) On the other hand, you may feel discomfort about what people might think if you change cars. Will they think you've become poor, or, heaven forbid, tasteless or common? Will they ask you, in a concerned voice, "is everything OK?" The urge to maintain status symbols to preserve perceived (not necessarily real) status is VERY strong (ask me how I know this!).

Anyway, conflicting values produces self-doubt and, as another poster put it, analysis paralysis. If you want to share your self-doubt with a family member or a friend, ask them to role-play someone giving you a hard time about your choice, and practice how you would respond to them. Make a note of it and then mentally rehearse it, and you'll be surprised how confident you feel if you ever are challenged by someone. E.g. Work Colleague: "Hey, what happened to that sweet ride you had? Is everything OK?" You: "Oh, thanks for asking. Yes, everything's great...I was taking a bath with that car so I dropped it and got a cheaper one. It's so awesome not having a car payment anymore, and my insurance dropped WAY down." Colleague: "Yeah, that's cool, man, I get it--but you'll never get laid driving that POS!" You: "Dude, when the ladies (or guys) find out that I paid off my mortgage twenty years early because I dropped that car, believe me, I won't have ANY trouble in that department!"

[mtnlaurel]

re: self-doubt and attempts at Simple Living

What's there to doubt? To me Simple Living is just Living Life on Life's Terms and living in Honesty.

Your Money or Your Life
Janet Luhr's Simple Living Guide
Chop Wood, Carry Water
The Complete Tightwad Gazette (when I went on a frugal bender :)
Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston

These were the books that I built my foundation from.... and I am no poster child of simplicity, but it is the beacon I am aiming toward.
And there's no Simple Living Olympics, we are all just tromping along in our own special ways.
('trudging the road of happy destiny' as is written in 12-step literature)

Living Simply is in line with most spiritual paths I can think of, the laws of mathematics and I'm sure tons more I'm not thinking of right this second. It just makes sense..

[JaneV2.0]

And I'd like to add that there is no one right way to live. You may find your inner hedonist and reject simplicity completely. One of the most reliable ways to wreck your life is by believing that you're supposed to abide by standards other than those truly your own. That's why frequent gut checks are key.

[mira]

^ Agreed. Do what feels right for you. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone; don't feel like you have to justify your 'simple/frugal living' attitudes or actions to people who question them.

Offer a no-frills, generic response if you feel you need to ward off the odd snarky comment from someone. A common response I give is something along the lines of "because I don't like to see things go to waste and I like to save money". Who DOESN'T like to save money? It offers common ground and food for thought...

I recently spent some time with a friend & some of her workmates, all of whom earn a considerable amount of money. I came away feeling slightly drained of all the talk of regular beauty treatments, driving everywhere, expensive cars, huge mortgages, 50-hour work-weeks, throwing money at everything... When I arrived home, I felt even more appreciative and certain of the way I choose to live my life. If you do feel truly drawn to a simpler life, you may feel more comfortable and confident if you just let yourself live it.

[citrine]

I have learned to listen to my inner voice, put up pictures of what I want to attract into my life where I see them everyday, meditate and pray.
That being said, I am driving myself nuts planning this wedding and trying to "please" my mom and what others may think or want. I have to take my own advice!
It is a lifelong journey I guess ;)

[Gardenarian]

"Possum Living" (http://www.amazon.com/Possum-Living-Without-Almost-Money/dp/0982053932/ref=pd_sim_sbs_b_1/177-1711514-8653350) by Dolly Freed is a fun read. I read it first when I was in high school and it opened my eyes to a different (and more appealing!) way of life.

[Jill]

I agree with all the posters ideas for standing up to the people who put you down, and here's another angle to consider: you can choose who you spend much of your time with, and who you share your life philosophy with. Spend less time with the people who make you feel bad about the way you want to live. As you start to trust yourself more, you'll probably find yourself spending more time with the people who support you and your life changes and share your values, and less time with the people who question you, make fun of you, or tell you you're wrong. Draw strength and confidence from those people who support you (and from your own self as you learn to trust yourself more). For the co-workers, family members, etc. who you have no choice but to spend time with, pick and choose what you want to share with them about how you live. It isn't about hiding your true self, but about minimizing hassles and bad feelings for yourself. By all means engage the people who are open to learning and discussing honestly, but you don't have to be an open book to everyone else. You can always just say "well, that was a very personal decision" then change the subject. They'll get the message eventually.

Pay attention to how you feel AFTER you spend time with someone. If you feel better than you did before you met up with them, spend more time around them. If after seeing somebody you feel worse than you did before, they're an energy-sucker and you might consider choosing other people to be around.

[awakenedsoul]

What Jill said is so true. Some people make you feel more buoyant and positive. They are great influences. I stopped taking a couple of classes because some of the students' behavior really brought me down...It also helps me to take positive action towards my goals each day. Writing out my list in the morning, and then listing my accomplishments at night before I go to bed. Even though they seem like small things, they save me money and keep me on track.