Zoebird
7-18-12, 10:04am
So, at the end of the last thread which went a little haywire, we left off at the point where: 1. I had apologized for the incident hurting their feelings while also expressing that if they feel hurt, we should talk about it openly (rather than assuming that the other person has bad intentions, etc); and 2. I'd created several 'safety valves' for myself in regards to their holiday here.
One and two are coming along great. Everything's been basically smoothed over/ignored. I'm cool with this. For the second, DH is doing a decent job of figuring out the holiday, presenting stuff to his parents, and they seem to be happy to accept what he is telling them. I'm helping with some of the logistics (ie, calling accommodation, though DH chooses the accommodation).
But, what was nagging me was really the relationship itself -- or maybe even how I relate to them.
What I observed in myself is that I tend to "pick up" things that i don't need to. Like, just because they splinter, doesn't mean I have to be reactive about it.
In my nichiren prctice, I've set an intention into the part of the liturgy where that goes wherein I'll be better able to identify and not react to (or be more neutral toward) statements from family that might set me off -- whether his or mine.
What has been positive is that I have noticed this to be the case!
On the skype calls that we've had so far (i've been present at two and have missed one), my brain simply observes "that is a shaming statement about MILs discomfort with X." and then "that is a splintering process." and sometimes "that is an interesting manipulation technique." It's all neutral, as if i'm simply filing things as they happen, or putting them into the decluttering piles of "information to keep, information to trash, information to pass along, etc."
I noted that the average skype call has about 1/10th stuff to absolutely trash; and of the remaining 90%, there's a fair amount to keep, and to pass on (say, to my family, such as how GMIL's health is doing these days), and some of it is just info that we recycle back to them (to follow up on).
So, it's obviously "not all bad."
And what I also noted is that I don't have any strong reaction/feeling toward this 10% bad thing. At most, it comes up as "huh, interesting. I wonder what FIL was upset about, really? Poor guy, must be really upset about something." And then that was it.
What I find equally interesting -- and mentioned above -- that the same thing is happening with my phone calls with my parents. This past skype call with them had three elements that would normally upset me (and head into the resentment category or resentment triggers anyway), and yet none of them did. My mother mentioned something about weight (my weight/diet), and my mind just went "projection; upset about sister/self/dad" this would be because my sister and dad were both in the hospital (different hospitals) at different times, likely due to some issue related to their weight (DSis is prediabetic; Dad is type 2 diabetic). Whenever they get upset about their weight, they inform me that I need to go on a diet and exercise more, and ask my sister for advice on such things. So, it's a total projection.
I would say that 3-4 weeks ago when this happened, and when ever it's happened over the last 10 years, I would get seriously upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, whatever.
But for some reason, it's just been "huh, interesting." And then it goes into the "compost bin" so to speak.
This has really made my life easier, and also relating to both families easier. So, that's nice.
One and two are coming along great. Everything's been basically smoothed over/ignored. I'm cool with this. For the second, DH is doing a decent job of figuring out the holiday, presenting stuff to his parents, and they seem to be happy to accept what he is telling them. I'm helping with some of the logistics (ie, calling accommodation, though DH chooses the accommodation).
But, what was nagging me was really the relationship itself -- or maybe even how I relate to them.
What I observed in myself is that I tend to "pick up" things that i don't need to. Like, just because they splinter, doesn't mean I have to be reactive about it.
In my nichiren prctice, I've set an intention into the part of the liturgy where that goes wherein I'll be better able to identify and not react to (or be more neutral toward) statements from family that might set me off -- whether his or mine.
What has been positive is that I have noticed this to be the case!
On the skype calls that we've had so far (i've been present at two and have missed one), my brain simply observes "that is a shaming statement about MILs discomfort with X." and then "that is a splintering process." and sometimes "that is an interesting manipulation technique." It's all neutral, as if i'm simply filing things as they happen, or putting them into the decluttering piles of "information to keep, information to trash, information to pass along, etc."
I noted that the average skype call has about 1/10th stuff to absolutely trash; and of the remaining 90%, there's a fair amount to keep, and to pass on (say, to my family, such as how GMIL's health is doing these days), and some of it is just info that we recycle back to them (to follow up on).
So, it's obviously "not all bad."
And what I also noted is that I don't have any strong reaction/feeling toward this 10% bad thing. At most, it comes up as "huh, interesting. I wonder what FIL was upset about, really? Poor guy, must be really upset about something." And then that was it.
What I find equally interesting -- and mentioned above -- that the same thing is happening with my phone calls with my parents. This past skype call with them had three elements that would normally upset me (and head into the resentment category or resentment triggers anyway), and yet none of them did. My mother mentioned something about weight (my weight/diet), and my mind just went "projection; upset about sister/self/dad" this would be because my sister and dad were both in the hospital (different hospitals) at different times, likely due to some issue related to their weight (DSis is prediabetic; Dad is type 2 diabetic). Whenever they get upset about their weight, they inform me that I need to go on a diet and exercise more, and ask my sister for advice on such things. So, it's a total projection.
I would say that 3-4 weeks ago when this happened, and when ever it's happened over the last 10 years, I would get seriously upset, frustrated, angry, hurt, whatever.
But for some reason, it's just been "huh, interesting." And then it goes into the "compost bin" so to speak.
This has really made my life easier, and also relating to both families easier. So, that's nice.