View Full Version : Some things about the humiliating nature of work...
I find work humiliating. It's not so much that people form a circle around me and start jeering at me and throwing things as soon as I get here - that doesn't happen to me anymore, though it did when I was a kid. But work is inherently humiliating, because it's enforced, and it's a place I don't want to be. That feeling of being unable to make a move to help myself is what's getting me down right now. And then the little daily annoyances, on top of the fundamental situation which is already just wrong for me right out of the gate, quickly add up to a powerful impetus for me to just go nuts and set something on fire.
So far I haven't sworn at or assaulted anyone, I'm cordial and well-behaved in meetings, and I don't have elaborate plans to wreak any kind of revenge on anyone I deal with. But I feel like I'm that close to losing it here and doing something inappropriate. I have this feeling that I'm somehow in danger of really messing things up for myself all the time. Like I'm close to veering out of control.
My options are limited right now, mostly because my skills have been narrowly chiseled down to a certain kind of niche in a certain shrinking field (radio in a particular format that isn't supported by its popularity). I can't make this kind of money elsewhere, and because of some random snafus, bad decisions and other self-inflicted financial screw-ups, I really NEED this money.
I have a plan to get myself out of here within five years, but I'm blocked at certain points of this plan and have no one to discuss it with (I am looking for a therapist, that's for another thread, ha). In the meantime I have to somehow find a way to get through daily life at my job without becoming a "danger to self and others."
Today I was copied on a message from a woman I'll call Ginnie. She objected to the fact that I mis-announced the date of her chamber group's concert. She sent this to my boss, and copied me. She also took the time to copy every single member of the chamber orchestra on this note! She informed us of the correct date, added some extra info about the concert, and signed off.
So I get this, and I'm STEAMED. This is a woman who treats me like complete dirt every time I've ever had an encounter with her. I don't know what her problem is, and I don't really care to know. But we give her group endless free on-air promotion day after day after day, and we do it gladly because they're a good group. They rarely do anything for us - I don't think I've ever heard them mention our station at a single concert. But they're in our building, we're both arts orgs in a tiny little inbred world, and we're pretty much stuck with each other. The fact that our relationship with them isn't better is something I lay at the door of my permanently out-to-lunch/brain-damaged (I'm not sure which) manager. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about it, but I do what I can.
I don't expect to be sucked up to like I'm the president of the United States here, but any other person in Ginnie's position would be glad that we're promoting them so heavily, and would probably lean more toward treating us well, than rapping us on the knuckles when we occasionally get something wrong. (This is the first time in four years of announcing their concerts that I ever made a mistake).
I can't fathom this attitude. This freak is upstairs from me as I speak. I've never been in their office (their employees apparently avoid us like the plague for some reason), but I could totally go up there and read this witch on wheels the riot act. I find myself fantasizing about his on a daily basis.
Our station does live broadcasts of their concerts. A few months ago I had made arrangements to sit in the recording booth with the announcer who was doing the show. The recording engineer is great, he likes me and says it's okay to have one extra person in there. So I went to the show, having been assured by the people I work with that there would be no problem. Of course, no one bothered to tell the chamber group about me, so my name wasn't on any list. The brain-dead intern who had no idea who I was and didn't care, called Ginnie over. This woman looks me up and down, makes all kinds of faces, and says she can't let me into the recording booth. I'm like, wtf? This is our station, I'm in there with my fellow announcer and the recording engineer WE hired, who have already cleared me. What's more, our station announcers have been doing this FOR YEARS. But this woman has a little moment of power, and she stretches it to the max. She was really enjoying herself over this.
"I'm sorry, I can't let you in, no can do!"
"But I'm a KFKD employee, it's already been cleared."
"Who told you you would be permitted to do this?"
"I'm a KFKD staffer. I'm an announcer on the air, you've let us in before."
"I don't care who you are, we don't let people in for free!"
"I'm sitting in the booth, I'm not taking up a seat."
"This isn't done."
Blah blah blah, and then finally she says, magnanimously, that she'll let me go in, THIS TIME, but assures me that this is HIGHLY UNUSUAL!
I mean this crap is just exhausting. Why isn't she delighted to meet me? I realize it's a fantasy, but why couldn't the interaction have been more like, "Oh wow, Kitten, it's great to meet you, I love your show! And thanks for all the mentions you give us on the air, it really means a lot to us. Sure, go in, as long as it's okay with Peter it's fine with me. Enjoy the concert!"
The irony of this is that the group's new artistic director, Jordy, just LOVES me! I've interviewed him before and we have a good and professional relationship. He might be able to iron things out with her, but I'm not sure how to approach it with him, or even if I should. I don't really know him well enough to feel comfortable presenting a complaint about one of his people. I've been slapped down before when I've dared to do that in the past. Jordy might be different though - I just don't know. And maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe just - to hell with them already!
It's just one thing that went wrong this week, but I'm already fantasizing about murder. And I've got three more days to get through.
If I'm taking this way too personally, please let me know. Sometimes I get way too involved in this crap, and I totally lose my perspective. If my problems were worse, would this littler stuff matter so much? Am I wrong to be upset?
(sigh)
I don't know what to tell you about Ginnie beyond if I were going to approach anyone regarding the disagreement you seem to have with her, it would be to approach her directly and not bring anyone else into it. It sounds like this is an ongoing problem and probably won't stop unless you confront her. Having Jordy get involved will send the message that you can't handle it yourself. I'd probably recommend you approach Ginnie with nothing more than a "your behavior in this situation was inappropriate and unprofessional. I hope you can assure me that nothing like this will happen again in the future" and then just move on.
As far as being humiliated by your work. It sounds more like you're being humiliated at work rather than by work.
If you are convinced you could benefit from therapy, I suggest you find a therapist and get going--the sooner the better. I don't know if you've ever been in therapy before but generally those who haven't but want to are reluctant to actually make the move and do it for a variety of reasons. I suggest you do whatever necessary to work through what's keeping you from getting into therapy because it can be very, very beneficial. A good therapist will help direct you as you work through and resolve your issues at work (and wherever they may also be.)
Good luck.
Yes, I think you are taking it too personally. Ginnie has issues clearly, and likely they have nothing to do with you. You are just collateral damage, unfortunately.
If I was in a good mood, I'd ask Ginnie to coffee, and ask her if there was anything I could be doing to help promote her organization more. Not because you've done anything "wrong" or aren't doing enough, just to get the conversation going in a more positive direction. If she mentioned a bunch of things you are already doing, you could mention you are already doing them, and ask for feedback on how that's working for her. Maybe she is just so self centered, she really doesn't get how much you are already doing.
That's if I was in a good mood. If I was in a bad mood, I would just work with her as if she's a toddler, and one prone to tantrums (which it sounds like she is). Use small works, repeat yourself often, use that patient tone that pre school teachers do. Don't get visibly ruffled (even if you are). Just treat her like she is being an unreasonable toddler, smile, repeat yourself. Don't even THINK of arguing with her. She isn't logical, and you are approaching her as if she has a logical argument. She doesn't. Power trips aren't logical. Just be sweet like you would to a bratty 4 year old who needs a nap. :laff:
Thanks for the thoughtful reply, bunnys. I like your advice about dealing with this woman myself. It felt inappropriate to involve her boss, and you confirmed my gut about that.
Yes, therapy - believe me, I've done it and will soon be subjecting myself to the process all over again. I've depended on therapy quite a bit in the past. That's one thing I'll say for my parents. They made a lot of mistakes, but they were willing to pay for my therapy. Maybe they knew they were partially responsible for my problems. Or mostly. Or whatever. Anyway, they paid up!
Not to hijack, but you implied that something is keeping me from getting into therapy now. Here's the thing - I saw one therapist for a year and a half when we first moved here. There were difficulties - I felt he was hostile, and told him so. He was intrigued by this and wanted to discuss it, endlessly. He blame-shifted, denied his own part in my feelings, implied I was nuts. I think he was an egomaniac who couldn't believe I didn't appreciate his confrontational style. He wanted to study me further. He wanted to spend the whole session just chatting about his reactions to my reactions to him, and my problems with him, and my issues that were messing up our relationship. "This is what therapy is all about!" he crowed. I actually had to explain to the guy that, "No, as I understand it, therapy is actually about helping your client with the issues they came in with. Can we go back to my issues, please?" He couldn't or wouldn't, so I terminated.
After that I had intake sessions with four others. Nothing felt right (some of these guys were hilarious assclowns, I'll regale you with those amusing tales in another thread). I finally found one guy who seemed all right. He had humor and lightness, a normal demeanor that had been totally missing from my sessions with the other guy. He had me fill out a forty-point questionnaire, and I spent a lot of time answering those questions fully and honestly. I put my heart into those responses. I had hope this guy could help me.
Long story short, he jumped into the session without even glancing at my responses. Didn't want to know about my past - "I don't do that." Got some stuff out of me about some issues in my marriage, and immediately went on the offense. "Why don't you talk to him? Why did you say that? If it's bad, why can't you make it better? How can he know this? How can he help that? How can he change if you don't tell him what's going on?"
Just this endless browbeating from a guy I've just met about what a lousy wife I am, and what a chump I'm being for having trouble communicating my issues to my husband. That was precisely why I had entered therapy, because I needed help in this area. At the sixth session he said, "Kitten, why are you here? Maybe this is just a waste of your time and money." I still have no idea why the guy was unable or unwilling to help me. I came to the session with more issues than the New York Times. My theory is that he immediately identified with my husband, and without even realizing it (probably), cast me in the role of brazen hussy, femme fatale, entitled bitch, ungrateful wife, or whatever - and it totally torpedoed his ability to see me as a human in pain who needed his help. Garden variety sexism is what I'm talking about. Even well-educated therapists (this guy was a ph.d) aren't immune apparently.
I just contacted a therapist yesterday who responded that he's full up, no more room in his schedule. I'll keep trying. But it's not easy to find a therapist, and therapist hunting is not fun. Going in time after time with new people, opening a vein and trying to get some kind of traction in a new therapy relationship has been tough as all get out. I'm honest, I'm willing to confront my issues, and I'm willing to face the part I've played in my own situation. I'm not a jerk, in other words. My task right now is to try to find a therapist who is anything but a charlatan. It's just discouraging after a while. Onward ho...
Herbgeek, this is beautiful advice! It's a way to stay classy in my own world (I have an image to keep up), and it gives her absolutely zero ammo. Best to treat it like it doesn't even affect me.
I find I still need some sort of physical outlet after encounters with her and other people who drive me mad. When I was a a camp counselor back in the day - my issues were with fellow staffers, not at all with the kids, who were remarkably grown up - I used to collect empty bottles from the kitchen staff and throw them at the wall of my cabin when everyone else was swimming at the lake. It really helped :)
Yes, I think you are taking it too personally. Ginnie has issues clearly, and likely they have nothing to do with you. You are just collateral damage, unfortunately.
If I was in a good mood, I'd ask Ginnie to coffee, and ask her if there was anything I could be doing to help promote her organization more. Not because you've done anything "wrong" or aren't doing enough, just to get the conversation going in a more positive direction. If she mentioned a bunch of things you are already doing, you could mention you are already doing them, and ask for feedback on how that's working for her. Maybe she is just so self centered, she really doesn't get how much you are already doing.
That's if I was in a good mood. If I was in a bad mood, I would just work with her as if she's a toddler, and one prone to tantrums (which it sounds like she is). Use small works, repeat yourself often, use that patient tone that pre school teachers do. Don't get visibly ruffled (even if you are). Just treat her like she is being an unreasonable toddler, smile, repeat yourself. Don't even THINK of arguing with her. She isn't logical, and you are approaching her as if she has a logical argument. She doesn't. Power trips aren't logical. Just be sweet like you would to a bratty 4 year old who needs a nap. :laff:
Simpler at Fifty
7-25-12, 2:58pm
Are you more irritated at her for calling you out in an email or at yourself for mistating the date?
Is this the first time a mistake was made with this group and you think they are overreacting? If yes then your boss should stick up for you.
If you are feeling you might want to play out a scene from 'Office Space', get to a counselor now. Sometimes when I am pointing out the mistakes of others I forget that 3 fingers are pointing back at me.
I've had two phenomenal therapists and one not so great. But I stayed with the not so great one too long bc I liked her.
Ask some friends if they have any recommendations.
I don't doubt you had some crappy experiences. There are some crappy therapists--and some that just simply don't work with the type of person you are or how you want to use therapy (which was the case with my 2nd therapist.) You just have to realize that ASAP and MOVE ON.
I can tell you that my experience with therapy has been that it is like the equivalent of getting a massage. A full hour focused on ME. God I love it! And it's been so helpful to me in so many ways.
I wish you well finding a great therapist for you and hope it happens soon. It will make your work situation a lot easier, I think.
ApatheticNoMore
7-25-12, 3:56pm
What jumps out: maybe try a female therapist. I get the impression the previous therapists you have dealt with were all guys and I'm not sure guys don't just look at and approach life *VERY* *DIFFERENTLY* than females (and I say that without even having the most feminine personality in the world). But if you find a male therapist that you work with well, that's great too.
If I'm taking this way too personally, please let me know. Sometimes I get way too involved in this crap, and I totally lose my perspective. If my problems were worse, would this littler stuff matter so much? Am I wrong to be upset?
possibly taking work too personally, other ways to view it, as just a paycheck maybe (although that has risks too, risks of becoming TOO indifferent to the whole thing!). Maybe take a vacation (not a long term solution but does let out steam!). Another short term solution is making sure you spend the time outside of work relaxing and enjoying. Longer term, retrain for another career? Consider if the money is really worth it and there isn't a way to survive maybe on less money? Don't go postal! :)
kitten,
I'm sorry you are struggling with these issues. The basic fact is you are in a dysfunctional, demoralizing work environment. I know how awful that can be -- still have the t-shirts in the closet, though I try hard not to put them on anymore! In my own case, especially as I was in the last final death throes stretch of the HSSJ, it was REALLY important to regularly acknowledge the dysfunction in my own brain and try to step back from it, take a deep breath, and not take it personally. So you made a little mistake with the time -- not like this is the ONLY channel they have for advertising their event. If it is, they have bigger problems than you. But I wouldn't challenge her. Not going to work with a person like that and you don't want her actively gunning for you. I would acknowledge the mistake and then focus on the positive, as suggested above. In everything, focusing on the positive is probably going to help. Have you done cognitive behavioural therapy at all? "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" is a classic, and it has made a bit difference in my life.
Don't feel too backed into a corner with your job prospects, either. YOu are clearly a talented writer and have many other skills that employers would value. Don't be afraid to explore that. Get to know this new artistic director, especially if he seems like an island of sanity in an otherwise crazy circle of nut jobs. He may be a liferaft for you in more ways than one.
good luck and feel free to come here and vent often. SLF was MY liferaft when I saw my professional life crumbling before my eyes, and I am ever so grateful for the support I got here and more than willing to help others going through similar things.
lhamo
ANM is right -- you need a vacation, a break from the madness. And not just a day or two, either. A couple of weeks is good if you can put it together. You really need some time to step back from the verge of burnout and coordinate your next steps.
For what it's worth, based on what we're reading here, I think your chamber-orchestra client was out of line. If it's not too late, I'd "cc the world" on a response to her indicating that this was the first time in four years of extensive free promotion that you made a mistake and that, while you will try to be more diligent in the future, if that level of accuracy is so critical, you'd be happy to discuss a restructuring (read: cutback) of the promotion your radio station gives organizations like hers.
Or just ignore her in the future, like Herbgeek said. Or both. :)
But let me try to say this in the most neutral way I can think of at the moment: An acquaintance of mine once told me that he had been in three auto accidents in the previous two years, all rear-enders, and claimed he had no involvement in any of them save for being the driver of the car that was hit. Either my acquaintance beat astronomical odds in being in the wrong places at the wrong times ... or there was something he was doing (or not doing) which put him on the bad end of so many crashes. In your post, you mentioned several relationships in which interpersonal communication did not get you where you wanted to be. Are you beating incredible odds, or ...
Kitten, what would you do if you were fired tomorrow, or if your station went belly up? I'm going to guess you wouldn't end up on a street corner. You'd figure out SOMETHING ELSE to do as soon as possible -- start a business, write, be a consultant/trainer, go back to school to learn a new marketable skill, declare bankruptcy, sell your car/home, something.
With all delicacy, can I suggest you do that Something now? Figure it out, before this job kills you. The circumstances you describe repeatedly on the board sound really dreadful, and unless there is something subterranean that you're getting out of being The Only Sane Person in this Dysfunctional Situation (ask me how I know that smart, accomplished women can do that to themselves....), or unless you don't want to end up breaking your immune system because of this stress, please please please consider putting a priority on getting out of there. Just my two cents, as someone who could've BEEN you a few years ago, and who almost died because of all the "I can't possibly leave because(s)..."
Life, and work, is meant to be better than this.
SteveinMN
7-25-12, 10:56pm
Life, and work, is meant to be better than this.
Amen to that, pug. Life is way too short to dread going to work every day. And, ironically, the dread makes one's life even shorter.
Mighty Frugal
7-26-12, 1:30pm
I have to echo what Steve suggested. Reading your post there seems to be conflict with Ginnie, with a handful of therapists, with former camp counselors and if I recall with someone at work who thinks he is your boss but is not (project manager?)
I'm not saying you did anything wrong. In all your posts if I were the judge I would always side with you-the rational, kind, logical one.
But, having said that, I find that some people just have a harder time with people than others.
My dh is a bit like this. When I listen to him, he is always in the right. He is a fair, just, honest and honourable person. But because of this, he seems to have more conflicts in life than others.
I always tell him to let it go and he can't police the world. To let the baby have his bottle and even if he is right, it's not worth the fight
Finding a therapist you can work with will be great. I hope it works out for you
Gardenarian
7-26-12, 4:40pm
Hi Kitten and (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry you feel so rotten about work. Everyone here gave you such excellent advice that there's not much I can add - I second ANM's recommendation to go for a female therapist. I had years of therapy in the past, but when I hit a rough patch about 10 years ago I chose to go to a life coach instead of a traditional shrink. I know, very New Age, yada yada yada, but it was refreshing to have someone who gave me actual advice when I asked for it! And, wayyyy cheaper than therapy.
The other thing is - of course you know that the problem is not the work but how you respond to it * - what can you do to make yourself more resilient? More exercise? More sleep? Hiking on week-ends? Creating art? What is going to make your life better and your inner self stronger, happier, and more serene? What's going to make you full of laughter, so when someone attacks you, you can just think "what a loser" and shake it off? It's out there, and it's inside you.
*Not that the people you work with are not idiots, but.
What jumps out: maybe try a female therapist. I get the impression the previous therapists you have dealt with were all guys and I'm not sure guys don't just look at and approach life *VERY* *DIFFERENTLY* than females (and I say that without even having the most feminine personality in the world).
This was my question as well because that was the first thing I noticed that you'd only had men therapists.
There are some people who are always going to be in an oil/water relationship with us. I hope you can get some back-up support from other staff so you can have as little to do with this lady as possible. Just from reading what you wrote....I didn't like her either.
rodeosweetheart
8-8-12, 4:01pm
I would highly recommend you try a female therapist, and preferably an MSW. I have had some awful therapists over the years but in looking back, they were all psychologists. For me, I like the emphasis on holistic practice that MSW's seem to have. I have a better relationship with my MSW therapists because we are more collegial. I also have issues around work and sexism, and find that my new therapist is really helpful around those issues, and not inclined to see everything in terms of the DSM.
Any chance Ginnie believes that your organization exists to serve/support hers? Your Ginnie reminds me of a woman I worked with in a volunteer organization. She was dedicated to the organization and could be perfectly charming to people she wanted to impress (i.e. those outside the organization). But people below her (in her own mind), she treated like servants. Every interaction was a powerplay. So exhausting, and hard not to take personally because the attacks were, in fact, quite personal.
If this is your situation, I don't think I'd bother trying to make nice - if it won't affect her perceived hierarchy, it won't do much.
gimmethesimplelife
8-9-12, 12:32pm
Kitten, what would you do if you were fired tomorrow, or if your station went belly up? I'm going to guess you wouldn't end up on a street corner. You'd figure out SOMETHING ELSE to do as soon as possible -- start a business, write, be a consultant/trainer, go back to school to learn a new marketable skill, declare bankruptcy, sell your car/home, something.
With all delicacy, can I suggest you do that Something now? Figure it out, before this job kills you. The circumstances you describe repeatedly on the board sound really dreadful, and unless there is something subterranean that you're getting out of being The Only Sane Person in this Dysfunctional Situation (ask me how I know that smart, accomplished women can do that to themselves....), or unless you don't want to end up breaking your immune system because of this stress, please please please consider putting a priority on getting out of there. Just my two cents, as someone who could've BEEN you a few years ago, and who almost died because of all the "I can't possibly leave because(s)..."
Life, and work, is meant to be better than this.+1
Hi guys, I was away from the board and didn't see these new answers until now. I appreciate your suggestions to find a female therapist. I had one once in my former city I liked, and then I had to move. So hard! But it's a great idea.
Yes, I fantasize daily about leaving my job. I've just boxed myself into a situation where I'm in big-time debt, and my skills since about 2000 have become narrowed down to a very specific field where it's hard to move around. I do have transferable skills, and could possibly switch careers (I'm in my late 40's so it's tough, but not impossible to do). My job makes me the kind of money I need, and it's relatively high-status - not that I get treated well internally, but I do have prestige in the community. So that would be hard to give up.
What I appreciate most is how sweet and compassionate you guys are as I'm going through this. I know my ongoing saga bores the heck outta some folks here. But that's okay - I get something out of all the comments on here.
Thanks so much again, you people ROCK!
Mer05, ha ha, EXACTLY. Yes, hierarchical people are just like this! (I'll bet she's a narcissist too.)
Good advice to just ignore her. I only encounter her accidentally these days - it would be much tougher if she and I actually worked in the same place. So there's that to be grateful for!
Gardenarian - great suggestions regarding reslience. Yes yes YES.
And thanks for the reality check. I know my life doesn't suck any more than other people's lives. I just take it harder!
My boss says I take everything too personally. I sometimes think he's right, but the way he says it - it's so condescending! "Kitten, we love you, and we know you get pretty emotional!" I was gagging when he told me that! I mean the putz came THAT close to accusing me of being an "emotional female." Our former union shop steward says I should start documenting this crap. Anyway, it took all my presence of mind not to rip his bleeping moustache right off!
Seriously Gard, I appreciate your suggestions. They're right up my alley, actually. I do art on the side, whenever I don't feel completely beaten with a board after a full day at the money job. I'm thinking this is going to be my path very soon - it just doesn't generate cash at the moment. I've also got a book in the works and am sending to both publishers and agents. If I could launch my freelance writing career, I could get the heck outta here. It's my dearest wish and I'm actually taking steps to make it happen. So...wish me luck :)
And thank you so much for the sympathetic response!
Puglogic said:
Life, and work, is meant to be better than this.
You speak true! Thank you for the reminder :D
My dh is a bit like this. When I listen to him, he is always in the right. He is a fair, just, honest and honourable person. But because of this, he seems to have more conflicts in life than others.
Mighty Frugal, this is a fascinating insight to me. It's kind of layered.
I once read somewhere that equality is the hardest thing for people to do socially. They understand hierarchy, they totally get power dynamics. But put people together and tell them to treat each other in an egalitarian fashion - and they can't figure it out. The power people start preening, and the introverts cave in to the stronger personalities.
This is so me. My blandly pleasant, easy-going affect (which actually masks anxiety and conflict) screams victim to those who tend to be bullies. I become paralyzed in the face of their treatment, and so often just don't have a clue how to respond to it. So the jerks keep dishing it out. And it just kind of snowballs from there.
On the surface I'm too "nice," while internally seething with loathing and fear. It's possible others sense the tension in me, and I could totally have a reputation as "the passive-aggressive one." I don't know...
One thing I've found is that if I can collect myself beforehand, the best possible strategy is to politely draw attention to something I object to, and ask for clarification.
"Oh, it sounded like you were implying I'm too emotional, is that what you meant?"
And then, especially if anyone else is witnessing the exchange, I'll try to add a little dollop of humor to defuse the tension. I can do that if I'm feeling really on top of my game. My adversary (especially if others are present) will usually deny that they meant to criticize me, and the sight of them back-pedaling gives me a high that'll last all day. So problem solved when the attacker backs off (at least until the next time).
Plus, if I feel like I've won the admiration of the other team members for having defused a touchy situation with class and panache, I can go off skipping.
Or maybe that was just a dream I had the other night... (shrug) Anyway, it's how I strive to be, but so rarely am!
Does anyone else work with someone who can do these kinds of things well? I don't have anyone to admire right now.
My only advice, kitten, from many years in the office world, is to respond to the jerks early and often. Not that you have to match their level of aggression, but to let them know that you won't accept that treatment. a Dr. Phil saying, "you teach people how to treat you", is corny but so true. If they've already spent years treating you in a bullying or disrespectful way, it's harder to change that dynamic but it can be done.
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