Men – processing of anger and grief? (sorry – very long, but I need your help!)

[rosarugosa]

I really hope to get some input from the guys on the forum in addition to input from my fellow females.
I feel like my DH really has some anger issues. He gets angry about so many things and doesn’t seem to have an effective “release valve” for dissipating anger and frustration. He gets enraged in traffic; politics upset him, the news upsets him, things people post on FB upset him. I think I’m a relatively serene person, and lately I feel like I’m trying to defend my serenity from hostile attack by enemy forces. The other morning, I got a diatribe about stupid rip-off corporate consulting programs, followed by war is evil, segueing into the lies they teach in history, and topped off by how he really didn’t like the new sneakers my Mom had bought him. And this was all before 6:00 AM! When I left for work, I felt like I was fleeing an endless live stream of “why everything sucks,” and a day at work was unmitigated pleasure in comparison.
He seems to get even more frustrated by my refusal to get upset by these things, and the feeling that I’m not listening to him – and he’s right, I all but have my fingers in my ears. Who wants to hear an endless stream of negativity?
I’m also worried about the fact that my DFIL has been in a nursing home for the past year with dementia, and DH has not wanted to visit. Every time we’ve gone (which has been very seldom), I’ve had to practically drag him. He is very angry that my DMIL wouldn’t make some accommodations to keep DFIL at home longer, and that’s pretty much where he directs all his emotions about his dad (whom we both love dearly). We just got word that DFIL died tonight, and we haven’t seen him since Father’s Day. I’m worried about how this is going to impact my husband on an emotional level.
This is the guy I’ve been in love with since I was 15, and I’m totally committed to this relationship (as is he, apparently I’m the only thing on the planet that doesn’t suck). It makes me sad that he seems so incapable of happiness, and I feel like this fermenting anger is bad for his mental and physical health. I speculate that on some deep level he is afraid that if he acknowledges his sorrow, he will be consumed by it perhaps? I think women do a better job with accepting and dealing with grief and then moving on, but please let me know if I’m stereotyping here. Does anyone know of any useful actionable strategies – Yoga? Therapy? Meditation? I think the hikes in the woods have been good for him, but on a bad day, he can spend an entire hike on a diatribe about leash law adherence, littering, threats to the environment, etc. I mean, we’re in paradise, and all he can see is the bad stuff. Yikes! How can I help the love of my life?

[Lainey]

I agree that's a lot to live with, rosarugosa. Condolences on the death of your DFIL. I'm wondering if that can be an opening to ask your DH to go talk to someone? Don't use the word 'therapy' if that would cause a bad reaction, but just suggest talking to a grief counselor, or go to a support group of some kind where he can vent and maybe even work through some things.

It also helps when a neutral 3rd party gives him feedback, even if saying the same things you've said, because it's easier to hear it from someone who's not involved.

Good luck.

[puglogic]

rosarugosa, has he always been like this, or has it been getting worse of late? Has he EVER been capable of acceptance and happiness? Are you two able to talk about this stuff? Are you willing to draw a line in the sand and tell him you are not willing to absorb his nonstop stream of negativity?

Sorry I'm all questions, no answers. If he's become accustomed, for decades, to you being the sounding board for all his hatreds, then it will be quite a change for him to hear that you don't want that any more. The only kind of useful actionable strategies involve him realizing that he's making you unhappy, probably keeping himself unhappy by only focusing on the negative, and deciding to change his OWN life. Is he anywhere near that yet?

Condolences on the loss of your father in law, too.

Maybe the menfolk here can shed some light on what might be going on.

[JaneV2.0]

The idea of therapy has never appealed to me either; maybe I just don't "get" it, though I might talk to someone with concrete ideas about how to get unstuck in a given situation.

When I see free-floating anger, I always think first of blood-sugar issues. A change of diet could go a long way toward evening his mood out. But until anger's a problem for him, it's not a problem. Have you taken this up with him directly?

ETA: Some swear by Julia Ross's book The Mood Cure. I can't vouch for it, but it might be worth checking out.

[bae]

How old is he? Check for blood sugar, testosterone levels, sleep apnea, and a few other odds and ends your (hopefully good) doctor will think to check that can be contributing to this sort of thing, unless he's always been like this.

[rosarugosa]

You know, I was thinking about this whole duration question, and no, he hasn't always been like this. He's always had the occasional grouchiness, but this really toxic black cloud stuff has probably only been around for the past 4 years or so. Oh yes, I do verbalize how it feels to be on the receiving end of all this crap. I'm definitely not the silently suffering little woman type. Then he feels bad for making me feel bad, and asks if he should just not say anything and hold it all inside? I know that's not the answer either, but it doesn't seem to give him release to talk about these things, it just seems to stir the pot, so to speak. I think that woman often get some sort of therapeutic release from discussing their issues,but I'm not seeing that here.

[JaneV2.0]

There are tools: he could purposefully limit his kvetching to one time of day, or keep a journal to record his concerns as they come up, develop a physical outlet... But like Bae, I think there's a physical component--maybe more than one. There's a reason someone coined the expression "bodymind."

"Oh yes, I do verbalize how it feels to be on the receiving end of all this crap. I'm definitely not the silently suffering little woman type. "

I pointed out to my partner that all his driving drama was wasted when the offending parties just motored on unawares while he worked himself into a swivet and brought me along for the ride. Eventually, he was diagnosed with diabetes, and with some changes in diet and medication he's lots more sanguine in traffic these days.

[rosarugosa]

Bae, He is 52, had a kidney removed in January for renal cancer. We have a great primary care MD, and we're seeing him on 8/27. DH is more than willing to have me attend appointments with him, since he doesn't do the best job of advocating for himself. I do think he has sleep apnea, but we're having such a hard time getting him seen for that! They booked him for part of a group appointment on 8/9. He went, sat in the waiting room (fell asleep), and they told him the appt was cancelled. He left, and then they called to tell him it was a mistake and the appt wasn't cancelled, but then it was too late. So he called to reschedule three days ago, and they said they're booking for Oct, but would try to get him in sooner, and haven't called back yet. I'm more than disgusted with the way that practice is run and will ask if our primary can send him somewhere else for the sleep apnea.

[bae]

Low testosterone can produce some of the behaviours you are describing, and depression/sleep apnea/lack of physical activity can all interact with each other to bring down testosterone and reinforce the depression/grumpiness cycle. And he sounds about the age for The Change.

When I addressed my sleep apnea, my testosterone levels, which were "OK" to begin with, nearly doubled from my hormone system no longer being overwhelmed by the shocks of the apnea episodes, which made losing weight, exercising more, healing faster, and being energetic much much easier, which of course makes you more cheerful all around. I'm ~50.

Lots of these issues reverberate with one another. I'd find someone really good at looking at the whole picture, and see if there's something going on under the hood.

If this is all a change in his behaviour, if he's been like this since he was 16, perhaps it's something else. Still, won't hurt to look, except for the gallons of blood they seem to want to draw for tests these days.

[rosarugosa]

So if he does indeed have sleep apnea, that could be a component here. If a person is NEVER getting a good night's sleep, then that would take a huge toll on one's psyche.
We can certainly ask Dr H to check blood sugar, etc. He's put on a bit of weight in the past couple of years too which could make him more vulnerable to diabetes as well as sleep apnea.

[Wildflower]

He sounds depressed to me...
A complete physical exam would be a good place to start.
My sympathies in the loss of your DFIL.

[JaneV2.0]

Did he introduce any new medication four years ago? My jaundiced view of the medical-industrial complex--as I often opine to said partner--is that once you get caught up in it, things start to go bad for you. I've certainly seen it happen.

[bae]

Also, obesity tends to be involved in lower testosterone levels, and may be interacting with the apnea to make apnea worse, which will produce more obesity still, and so on and so on.

The lack of sleep from apnea is bad enough. What it does to your internals, from my reading while diagnosing and treating mine, is pretty brutal as well. Imaging having your endocrine system go through a fight-or-flight alert dozens of times an hour. The little glands get tired of that.

I was lucky enough to find a doctor interested in getting to the root of my run-down feeling, and my inability to really lose much weight, no matter how much I exercised and how little I was eating. Turned out to not just be one thing, but several interacting, and apparently that's a pretty common situation for middle-aged men, and there's likely not one simple easy answer.

[JaneV2.0]

If his blood sugar is regularly swinging between high and low, an hba1c might look fine. Swings are common in metabolic syndrome.

[rosarugosa]

Jane: That sounds exactly like conversations we've had in the car! No, he doesn't take any prescription medications.
Wildflower: Thanks - I'm glad we have that upcoming appointment, sounds like we're moving in the right direction to see Dr. H. I'm going with him this time. Last year, I sent an actual list with him, and he didn't get any of his issues addressed. I was so disappointed! Dr H is my doctor too, so I know he is a good one, and I think DH needs me along to advocate for him.
Bae, You've got me feeling optimistic that we might find some concrete physical problems that can be addressed. Although I do still think there are some things related to DFIL that are more in the emotional realm.
I was also thinking with some bemusement that if he had always been like this, that he would be "that guy I loved when I was 15" instead of "the love of my life for the past 39 years."

[JaneV2.0]

If he can avoid prescriptions and deal with his concerns satisfactorily without them, he'll be way ahead of the game.

[danna]

Rosa so sorry to both of you on the loss of your Fil....
I don't know if you have told us if he is being seen by an oncolgist (better one that specializes in Kidney Cancer)?
Like others have said so much of this depends on how long he has been reacting this way and if it has got worse?
It will have been a major shock to his body to have a kidney removed and knowing it was cancer may be doing a real number on how he is feeling and thinking these days.
He does need to be checked for some of the things mentioned by others too. But, I hope he is being followed up for the Kidney Cancer?

[rosarugosa]

Thanks, Danna. He has never seen an oncologist. The kidney surgeon has been following him and did his 3 and 6 month follow-ups, and he had a CT & bloodwork and urinalysis at the 6 month check-up in July that were reviewed by the kidney surgeon. The surgeon said there are no signs of cancer beyond the kidney that was removed. We were told that the cancer was low-grade, early stage. They are watching the CT scans because of the smoking history (we both smoked for 38 years) and there are some small spots on the lung CT that might just be scarring/early emphysema but they are too small to tell, and just require watching for changes at this point.

[awakenedsoul]

I think that men go through something similar to women in menopause. Eating every two hours helps. It doesn't have to be a meal, but just enough to keep the blood sugar normal. I made a choice in my late forties not to vent and be negative. I taught menopausal women for many years, and I hated listening to all that complaining and negativity. It was like a black cloud. I think a punching bag would help. It sounds like he has some rage. Journaling is good, and setting goals and working towards those goals. Physical activity every day really makes a difference. In this economy, being grateful and counting your blessing is good for creating a shift. He sounds very moody. I don't know if a doctor can help. They usually prescribe medication. Consistent self care might do just as much good. You shouldn't have to listen to that. I would tell him so.

[try2bfrugal]

I agree with the other posters that ruling out physical causes would be a good place to start.

I bought a heart rate monitor for my husband and there was a major link between his cranky times and his pulse rate being too high. I bought these little finger pulse monitors on Amazon and they work great. I try to get him to follow the Pitta pacifying diet in Ayurvedic medicine. It might sound as bit whacky if you are not into Eastern medicine, but it really works to bring down his pulse rate and that seems to change his mood. I think blood sugar levels also make a huge difference. He is really the kind of person that has to eat every few hours.

I am sure there are people who might benefit from treatments like talking with a therapist, but if someone has a condition like sleep apnea, low blood sugar or a pulse rate 50% over normal causing crankiness, or some other kind of mood altering health problem, then therapy isn't likely to be the most beneficial first line of treatment until the physical issues are addressed.

[herbgeek]

Other than the Facebook you mentioned, we could be married to the same man!

He gets enraged and personally insulted by traffic, as if those drivers are specifically targeting HIM with their bad behaviors. He tells himself these stories about people that just fuel his rage. I don't even know where he gets these stories most of the time. When I give him 3 alternate reasons why someone might behave that way, I get the blank look. He sees rudeness all around him every where he goes, and infractions of these "rules" that I've never even heard of. Its just exhausting to be in a car with him. Its worse when /I'm/ driving because he's ranting and yelling watch out, and he just puts me on edge. I frequently have to tell him to chill.

In the morning, he starts in on political and economic doom stories, and how the world is going to hell. I tell him its just too early for me to put my negativity cloak on. He accuses me of putting my head in the sand. No, I'm aware of what is going on, but there is only so much I can personally do, so I focus on that. I personally believe that you get more of what you focus on, and that seems to be the case in our household. I have a lot of harmony and tranquility because that is how I wish my life to be, he gets a lot of supposed rudeness because that is what he focuses on. Or maybe we just only notice those things we are looking for with our selective bias. In any case, I'm happier with my focus than he seems to be with his.

The only thing that seems to temper his sour moods is a good meal, and vigorous exercise which in his case is cycling. So I work hard on the food department, and encourage him to get out on the bike, even if it impacts plans I might have had for the weekend. I'd rather do nothing with a happier husband than do what I want with a grouch.

[danna]

Rosa...So glad he is having the CTs and that they are watching the lungs. I was not wanting to scare you I have just
been through this so recently with my Dh. Your news is really good that it is early stage, low grade. (my DH wasn't).
But, he could be a very negative person as in everyone else was a bad driver and the whole world was a mess and I was
a pollyanna for not seeing it. Like so many I see it I just chose to do stuff personally and in world that might help. I think
that does help one feel better.
He had got worse in the 3-4 years before he was diagnosed so I never knew if there was a connection to the cancer or just age they did tell
us it would have been there for years before.
I had a cancer about 12 years ago and I can tell you it does do a number on your head so if they are already negative people
it would be harder on them.
Having said that a really good physcial is in order.
Second------ try2bfrugal---- on the blood sugar/pulse rate lowering both of those calm me a lot.
Good luck with his visit and yes I would be going with him....he has too much going on to not have a second person
asking questions and hearing the answers.

[pinkytoe]

They don't call them angry middle-aged men for nothing. DH belongs to that club too but has always sort of been a "hot-head". I think beyond the physical, there is an element of habit involved. When dh starts in on his tirades, I calmly tell him I just don't see the world that way and go on about my busiiness. Last night, I told him that we don't really have a lot of control about all the world events and politics that he lets upset him. I told him we should just try and improve out little neck of the woods where we can really make a difference. I think he just likes tooting his horn. I know he's really just a softie though because I sometimes see him curled up with our cats talking baby talk.

[try2bfrugal]

There are books and DVDs by a researcher named John Gottman and his wife with some great ideas on how to have a happy marriage. They actually have a lab where they test couples' heart rates, stress levels, etc. when they are just talking and when they are stressed out. They say men tend to be much more likely to become flooded during an argument, have their pulse rate shoot up and then not be able to calm down. Their material has tips on how to self sooth that can be used by both sexes, but their research on pulse rates shows men tend to have their heart rates shoot up easier and need self soothing help more.

It is like people with this kind of metabolism are in fight or flight mode quite often and ready to do battle, but since there is no cave bear to fight with or escape from the object of their anger becomes other drivers, things they read in the news, or minor life annoyances that would not upset anyone not already in fight or flight mode.

The things that we have found that seemed to help (a mix from Ayurveda and mainstream medicine) are avoiding coffee and wine, not getting hot, not getting too much sun, gentle exercise (not getting the pulse up too much), lots of super healthy meals high in fruit and vegetables, cold drinks, avoiding spicy, salty or sour foods and getting enough sleep. And keeping the heart rate monitor around for testing throughout the day.

I am sure there are other causes for crankiness and mood issues, but the heart rate issue is a common finding from the Gottman research and an easy cause to first rule out.

[SteveinMN]

Rosa, please accept my condolences on the death of your FiL.

There's not much I can contribute on the historical issue of DH's temperament other than to echo the advice to get a medical workup. It certainly sounds like there is some biological component to this, in part or mostly.

That said, there are two points which strike me. One is that the death of an adult male's father can be quite an occasion. It does not sound like your DH was especially close with his father, but it's still a blood connection and a father-son bond, and I would not be surprised a bit for this to trigger some real self-evaluation on DH's part, especially if he is the oldest (living) son. This can be to your advantage, however, as thinking about the mortality of one's own parents and one's self can be the push for real changes.

But that brings me to the other point: like anyone else who is stuck in a bad habit, DH has to want to change before change is possible. Certainly if we're discussing low blood sugar or "Low-T", there are chemical deficiencies which can be addressed; sleep apnea, as well. But if there's some psychological reason for DH pickling himself in anger -- whether it's that ol' "I'm-halfway-through-my-life-and-it's-not-what-I-thought-it-would-be-like" midlife evaluation or (in other cases) long-term frustration of joblessness or feelings of loss of control of one's life -- he really needs to want to get to the root of it before anything will stick.

[CathyA]

Anger can be a sign of depression. I wonder if he would benefit alot from an antidepressant? I'm on just a tiny dose of one and it has helped alot.
I grew up with a father who was angry all the time, and I think I learned that this is how we're supposed to respond to just about every emotion.
(((hugs)))

[iris lily]

What IS it about driving and traffic that makes otherwise reasonable men go bonkers? My calm, mild mannered DH gets the most rankled about other drivers than he does in any other regular situation. I will say that he himself had a tendency to drive a bit like a maniac well into his 30's, but then he took a job working for a lawn and tree care company that involved driving a big truck, and I saw him calm down in driving immediately.

I know, I know--cars don't kill people, people do. But really.

[kenh]

I hope you give him lots of extra kindness during this period.
Also, I recommend movie therapy. Also consider yoga and meditation.
For the angry periods, there has to be some physical exertion/release.
For a guy already in andropause decline, the loss of a father plus the
the recession stress/effects, can tip into sub-conscious feelings of worthlessness and defeatism.

[pcooley]

I didn't read all of the thread, but I can identify. I often find that I am angry for longer than I need to be about things, particularly about my son's behaviors. I really like Thich Nhat Hanh's writings on anger, and sometimes, when I run in the morning, I listen to his dharma talks on my ipod, and it helps me be a little more mindful about how I react to things.

I read the other day in a magazine that the actual experience of anger lasts about three minutes, and that we choose to extend it past that point.

I find that to be particularly true with me, and when I am mindful about it, I can choose to stop extending my angry reaction, but it really boils down to a choice, and it is very difficult to step outside your habitual patterns of reactions.

[pcooley]

I wanted to add, but my family interrupted my typing, that anger is a strong emotion, and like any strong emotion, I believe it's addictive. (I don't know that, and I haven't done any in-depth studies of anger, but that's the way it seems to operate with me). If you get rid of your anger, what is there to take it's place? And maybe men might be more hard-wired for anger. Maybe it's some primal reaction for keeping families safe, but when you are unable to do anything positive to remedy whatever your angry about, it is simply self-destructive. Anger over politics? over traffic? That's a dead-end. That's like being angry all day because it still didn't rain, or angry that the winter seems too cold.

Lately, I've started looking at taking care of my anger as being a matter of taking care of myself and the people around me. I try to meditate more, though I have to say, I have a love/hate relationship with meditation. Thich Nhat Hanh's book, "Anger, Wisdom for Cooling the Flames", elicits a similar love/hate response from me. If I didn't admire his own poise as a monk, and the work he has done to promote peace, I probably would not read him. One of his bits of advice in the book was to make a little shrine with a little bell, and when you were feeling angry, go to the shrine, and ring the meditation bell and breathe, and he claimed, your whole family would be happy that Dad was working on calming his anger. That was just too F*****g precious for me. One of the problems I had at the time was my son was getting into, and even stealing and giving away, all the things that meant the most to me. (My dead brother's wedding ring. The coin collection my father left me when he died. (my son cut all the quarters out of the mint sets)). I had a meditation bell, but my son would ring it constantly. I eventually had to keep anything that was meaningful to me locked up in a trunk, and it's largely a matter of luck that my son never tried to saw the trunk open. At ten, he's much, much better, but still can be difficult.

Anyway, I would spend days raging around in my own head about how I couldn't have anything of value to me -- and it's not like I had a great deal to begin with. But all that raging only hurt me. I know that I don't really need anything, and I also know that my son is both extremely bright and somewhat extroverted, and he just wants more time and understanding from me. I allow my feeling of anger, (mostly, now, he just wants me to buy him things and won't let go once he has decided on something -- the latest thing, a Van De Graaf generator), but I try not to let my mind hang on to it and expand it all day long the way I'm in the habit of doing. ("I've raised him not to be a consumer! We're trying to live simply dammit! What's wrong with him!? Why hasn't he learned anything I've been trying to teach him!? I want him to know how to live simply so he can get along in the world!) I could do that all day long, and it just does not serve any purpose.

I think Buddhism, as a philosophy, is good at addressing those kinds of mental loops we trap ourselves in. I have some reservations about the religious organizations that have sprung up around Buddhism, just as I do for any organized religion. I wanted to add some more, so I'm editing again. What I didn't appreciate about T.N.H. writing when I first read it, was the degree to which taking care of yourself is paramount to taking care of the ones you love. As I said above, it sounded too precious, all this "breathing in, I'm a beautiful flower; breathing out, I'm a quiet mountain." I would read half a book and put it on the shelf. Lately though, it seems just the thing I need, and often, throughout the day, I say to myself, "breathing in, I'm aware of my breathing; breathing out, I release all my tension." At its most basic level, it's just healthier than spending the whole day thinking, "Why the heck would a ten year old boy expect his father to buy him a $200 Van De Graaf Generator?! What could he be thinking!?"

My best to you and your husband. My wife also has outbursts of anger, and we get angry about different things, so it can be difficult to navigate. (I thought I'd add a story. Today, I pulled in to a gas station and had to let one car go around me before I pulled up to the pump. After it went around, I started edging up to a pump, and a mailman quickly pulled his truck into the pump so that our vehicles were nose to nose and then got out and started fueling the tank. My wife was livid! It was impolite, but it was certainly nothing to get angry over. That's just not the type of thing to rankle me, but boy it makes my wife angry. I just don't know what to say in those situations).

[Float On]

I could write the same post as well.
I understand where my DH's main anger is coming from - we've had a rough few years with the economy, etc. But when I really think about it, he has always had anger/injustice issues. We've been married 22 years and we've had a running 'joke' for as long about 'they are all out to get you'. The negativity has really taken a toll on me. I always thought a person could choose to find something good in all situations or could move on from the bad times but he can't seem to do that.
We walk on egg shells a lot around here.
My blood pressure goes up at certain triggers.
If I go missing from the boards...you can assume I stroked.

[puglogic]

I resonate with your thought, pcooley, that anger is addictive.

I also know that anger and self-righteousness (those who decree that everything in the world sucks unless they approve) can be tightly intertwined with one's sense of self. I get angry therefore I am. I had to untangle that myself, because really, all that proves is that I think I'm qualified to pass judgment on everyone/everything around me, and that I have the power to make the people around me miserable by crowing about it all the time.

That's not the Self I want. And that's not the way I want to be remembered. I am grateful for all the people who put their foot down and forced me to either change my ways, or hit the road. I'm a zillion times happier now (and I still have all my friends and my great husband).

Wishing you and your husband luck in finding a solution, rosarugosa. I myself could not live with someone who was constantly negative -- no matter how much I loved other aspects of them. They'd have to be working on it, at least.

[Amaranth]

Rosarugosa, first, am very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband’s father. I would agree with what other posters have said about possible medical conditions. I have seen a number of people be angry like that when they have undiagnosed diabetes (and a few with sleep apnea, odd interactions in their medications, organ malfunction, brain tumors, lack of some component of nutrition, inability to absorb certain nutrients, or unusual food allergies). Other people have a habit of negativity. There also seems to be some contribution to the problem in general for many people from the puritan work ethic leading to a belief that it’s not proper to be happy or enjoy things. Other people have an extreme rigidity in the belief of how things *should* be, and any deviation offends them.

For people who go on a diatribe and complain that others don’t listen or don’t get as easily upset, you can offer them this visual. Everyone is carrying around a hose. It might be a garden hose. It might be a fire hose. You can choose what you hook your hose up to. Maybe it’s the city water supply. Maybe it’s a mountain spring. If so then lots to people will be interested in interacting with someone whose hose is hooked up to a good water supply. On the other hand if they have a fire hose hooked up to a sewer with it turned on to full blast, the majority of people are going to run far, far away.

When people have a long list of grievances, it helps if you can get them to write them down. Then ask them to look them over and see if there is one where they feel they could help make a big difference in the situation. How would they like to contribute to the solution. No one person can fix every problem. But a bunch of people contributing to the solution can make a big difference. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with all the things that need fixing, and selecting one helps to focus the resources on a solution. Even working full time at helping, Mother Theresa and her helpers couldn’t solve all the health and hunger problems in their local area. She urged others who wanted to help to “If you can’t feed a hundred people, feed just one.”

A book that helps with learning about different ways to think about situations to reduce anger is The Feeling Good Handbook by Burns. There are ways of thinking that increase anger, maintain it, or reduce it. Once you are aware of them, you can choose how you would like to think about things.

For people that live in areas with a high number of road raging drivers, you might try seeing if you can get a Choose Civility campaign going in your area. It helps children and adults learn to select a civil option as a response to a situation and to interact in ways that bring out the civility in others. I’ve been impressed at how much safer the roads are in areas with lots of Choose Civility bumper stickers.

In many cultural groups, boys/men are taught that the only acceptable negative emotion is anger. So some learn to channel every negative emotion into anger. Makes it hard to deal with the underlying cause of a problem/situation.

Paul, what the mail truck driver did was impolite, and also dangerous. Quick sudden moves in a gas station can result in wrecks that damage a pump leading to fires and explosions. If you had decided to make the same sort of move at the same time, it could have been a dangerous situation. Your wife may want to call it in. They should be able to figure out who the driver was based on the time on your receipt.

As for a child wanting a Van De Graaf generator, I could think of lots of positive reasons such as advancing his scientific knowledge, having an interesting machine to interact with, being able to invite friends over to use it, a validation that his parents see him as being worth allocating some resources to. You could ask him what he likes about them and what experiments he would do with one if had one. Most people who I have known that had one did not use it much as it is not a very versatile thing to have compared to say something like a bicycle, ball, or legos. One session of interacting with it is usually enough for most people. To me it would be worth taking him to a hands on science museum that has one in working order. This would also be helpful in helping him learn that you don’t need to own things to enjoy them.

When a potential self-soothing technique leads to an increase in anger, consider what may be more soothing. It might be that rather than imagining yourself sitting on top of a mountain, you might be better off imagining yourself hiking it instead. And physically hiking it may help even more. Or it might help most to imagine yourself designing the mountain. How would it be shaped? What would the trails be like? What are the rocks like? What sort of flora and fauna is on it?

For people who are having difficulties with their children similar to the way Paul is having trouble with his son, consider what may be going on from a bigger perspective. It’s very important that children learn to get their needs met in ways that don’t involve stealing, damaging other’s possessions, or causing physical harm to others. Children may have differing levels of need from their parents. This is especially true if a child is more introverted or extraverted than the rest of their family members. The extraverted people tend to need a lot more mental and physical stimulation. Humans also have a long history of hunting for, gathering, making, and acquiring things. Today’s children are descended from those who were most successful at it. And ironically today’s children have the most constraints on engaging in activities that would satisfy those needs. To take a simple example, a child 100+ years ago who wanted to eat blueberries, could go out into the woods blueberry picking with their friends. They could pick and eat some. They could bring some back to eat fresh for the next few days and to dry for the winter. Most of today’s children who want to eat blueberries must beg their parent to drive to a store and spend money to get the blueberries.

Some ways to help children meet their own needs are:

Let them grow a garden bed of food that can be eaten fresh that’s just for them.

Help them set up Pinterest boards for things of interest to them (things they’d like to see and do, places they would like to go, things they would like to have, recipes they would like to try.) Then try to figure out what components of these items are doable, and what gives the most in return for the resources spent on them. For example, suppose a child wants a stack of folk CDs or equivalent in downloads for their player. Through discussion it might turn out that it would be worth spending the equivalent money on a good guitar. The guitar can provide an endless number of songs. Or if a child wants to go to a Panda preserve and also hike on the Great Wall of China, they could start an account to save for that. In the meanwhile they could do things related to the trip mostly using resources from the library or internet: read books on China, watch videos, learn to cook Chinese food, learn to use chopsticks, learn to speak Chinese. This way they are working toward their goal and learning a lot of useful, interesting, and enjoyable things in the meanwhile. If they are saving up for something big, it helps to have some sort of visual representation of the item where subgoals can be colored in on the chart.

Another important thing is if children can learn to spot advertising tricks, especially those of the sort that if you buy _________ you can do _________. Wayne Dyer talks about a young nephew who asked for a particular brand of tampons for his birthday. Wayne asked him why he wanted them. The nephew had seen many of the tampon commercials and replied that if you had those tampons, you could go swimming, horseback riding, do gymnastics, etc. The nephew thought acquiring tampons would make all the other things possible.

Using the Pinterest boards can help parents and children figure out the commonalities behind the wants and figure out in which cases the item is desirable to have vs in which cases the child is wanting to learn certain skills or have certain types of experiences. Alternatively, this can be done in scrapbook/journal form, but it creates another object to deal with.

[try2bfrugal]

Here is a link that summarizes some of the Gottman ideas on heart rate and anger. I think Gottman has it partly right - men get angry during fights easier and are harder to calm down. But I think the part they are missing is what causes what. If men have high chronically high heart rates then that is going to create a situation where they are always in fight or flight, a constant state of heightened vigilance and general crankiness and argumentativeness.

http://portlandrelationshipinstitute.com/Artcl__Emotional_Floodin.html

In that case I think a high heart rate / chronic state of stress is the cause of the crankiness and argumentativeness, not just a result.

I am sure this is a complex issue with many factors, but heart rates are really easy to test these days with finger monitors so it is an easy issue to diagnose as a possible cause. High resting heart rates are linked to diabetes, so it does seem to tie into the whole blood sugar issue, too.

[rosarugosa]

I want to thank everyone for taking the time and mental energy to give me such well-thought-out responses. I am always amazed that people who have never met me would be so generous - this is truly a wonderful community I stumbled upon!
I should mention that DH is not always in a bad mood, but it does happen pretty frequently and goes beyond mere grouchiness when it does. At those times I feel like saying (and have actually said), "where did you come from, Mr. Hyde and where did my beloved husband go?"
I would say that my DH was pretty close to his Dad, but kind of let that slip away as Dad declined. DH is the youngest of 3 sons and his two older brothers are living. They all get along well, although he is probably closest to his younger sister. My DMIL is a strange one, although we have a very good relationship. She is a bit on the cold side. I noticed at the nursing home that she didn't touch or kiss DFIL, although he is an affectionate man. I would kiss him and hold his hand during visits and he seemed to like that. DMIL is not having a wake or a funeral, because she said that is the way he wanted it. We feel like it is more a matter of the way she wants things. It does seem to trivialize the importance of his passing, and I can see that it doesn't sit well with any of the three sons. She also doesn't like DFIL's family and he has not kept much contact with them, so she did not make mention of his surviving sibs in the obit, which seems really odd to me. DH's oldest brother has suggested we get together in a few weeks and bury or scatter his ashes at the small ancient cemetery at his farm in NH, and everyone seemed receptive to that. I'm not religious or terribly committed to conventional ceremonies, but it does seem like there needs to be something to commemorate the loss of a beloved family member.
Thanks again for the condolences and shared wisdom. I've taken a lot of notes!

[rodeosweetheart]

My condolences on th death of your FIL. With the death of his dad and a cancer diagnosis, your husband has been delivered a one-two psychic punch, and a grief reaction would be pretty normal. Grief reactions can trigger depression, and anger is a part of the grief cycle.

I'm thinking clinical depression, that's what I would get checked out.

I'm sorry you guys are going through this!!