View Full Version : Kids, exhaustion and the television set.
davidmcowan
8-24-12, 11:08am
As someone who has long been trying to align my thoughts on living simply and other components of my life, I'm stuck in a pattern that bugs me.
I have a toddler and a 4 month old child. Trying to parent without the television means we have few breaks from "parenting" in a day other than going to work and the sleep the 4 month old occasionally allows. It also means that by the end of the day, after putting the kids to bed both my wife and I want to collapse with only about an hour or so left of "awake" time in the day. The most natural thing to do? Watch a show on Netflix streaming.
I don't like this, don't want it to be the go to option but also am having trouble imagining us doing anything else but vegging for a show.
Anyone out there have suggestions or experience with this? I'd like to make a change but I'm at a loss as to what.
We didn't have a TV until the boys were 3 and 4 (my dad gave me a TV/VCR combo unit and said 'here, you need this so you can have a break every now and then').
Our evenings pre TV/Movies were DH playing guitars or other musical instruments, I usually read a bit or knitted or took a walk. I could never get him interested in playing cards or games. Sometimes we'd just sit on the porch with a drink. Bedtime was always early back then (we never gave up on trying for more babies >8) ).
decemberlov
8-24-12, 11:34am
My children are now older (10 & 13) but i still know exactly how you feel, especially the collapsing at the end of the day :laff:
At the beginning of the summer I picked up a hammock and my husband and I spend many nights after the kids are in bed just laying in the hammock, maybe having a glass of wine and just unwinding and catching up. Seems like this is one of the few moments we have to actually give each other undivided attention.
Or maybe you could do a puzzle or read some. Sorry if my suggestions are kinda boring :~)
I have 5 kids between the ages of 8.5 and 4 months. We play cards and board games sometimes and sometimes just sit and talk. We have free babysitting after the kids go down (Dad lives with us) so sometimes we'll go for a walk or go out for half-price appetizers or a cup of coffee. I like to read sometimes too.
Also, if vegetating and watching a movie really is all you have energy for, don't feel too bad. Pretty soon your 4 month old will be sleeping better and you'll have more energy. Simple living is a process. If this isn't something you're ready to cut, don't force it. It's time will come.
Do what you need to do. Most habits are just that - habits - and it takes a little effort to replace them with new habits. I have watched so little TV in the past 20 years that it never even occurs to me to turn it on. What I do when I am feeling low energy:
- go to bed early
- stretch, do tai chi or yoga
- read a magazine or look at a book that is more skimming than intense reading, such as a gardening or cookbook
- meditate
- call a friend
- have a cup of tea
- make a list for the next day so my brain is empty before sleep
- work on the easy part of a project, such as getting fabric out and ready for a sewing project, picking out a new knitting pattern, or clearing one cluttered surface in the house
DH and I like to sit in a room with only natural lighting and talk, too. In the winter we sit by the fireplace with no artificial lights.
I'm pretty passionately anti-television - though my SO, ironically, watches about 3 hours a night.
We are, however, managing to keep our 17-month away from the TV so far because my SO has agreed to not put it on until after the baby goes to bed.
I think if you really want to change the habit, you should go cold turkey for a week. That will force you to figure out other things to do with your time and to discover how much you enjoy them. This will require you to plan ahead, maybe hire a teenager you know to play with your four-year-old for an hour or two when you need a break. I encourage you and your wife also to make a list ahead of time of all the things you can do instead of watch TV.
I lived without a TV when I was single and loved it, and those years really helped me develop other ways to relax.
I also used a book called The Plug-In Drug in my community college English classes and gave my students the assignment of going a week without TV and writing about the experience. Many of them found that week life-changing. They reported that they slept better, had more sex with their partners (!), and did lots of things they enjoyed much more than TV like going for walks in their neighborhoods, going to minor league baseball games, reading aloud as a family, reading more in general, cooking elaborate meals and conversing more with their family. I always prepared them for this assignment by asking them "What else can you do relax besides watch TV?" - a question which often stumped them at first. But I think asking that question before you do it is key to making it a success. And, obviously, with a four-year-old, you're going to have to discuss it way ahead of time and get them on board - maybe by offering some special events during the week, like a pizza dinner or something.
I recommend The Plug-in Drug by Marie Winn for inspiration and other ideas.
If you do decide to go a week without, maybe you should make it a challenge for other families on the dailies and challenges thread - but give two or three weeks' advance notice so that everyone can plan ahead.
P.S. You might also just try to implement one day of the week when you keep the TV off in your household, the way some families do "Meatless Mondays."
Remember that this stage does not last forever, and give yourself permission to do what works for now. If you are exhausted with a toddler and a 4-mo old (and who wouldn't be!), then an hour of TV with your spouse in the evenings sounds reasonable. When the children are older, you will get more energy back, and you will be able to do more things in the evening.
Our story: my husband and I are both big readers and had watched very little TV in the five years before our first child arrived. Kid #1 was TV-free. Second child arrived and we started watching TV in the evenings (once the kids were in bed) instead of reading many nights due to exhaustion. This was not mindless TV, but we'd go through series of different shows, eg, Lost, Battlestar Galactica, etc.
Fast forward seven years, and we probably read four nights a week, do something social one night a week, watch one of "our" shows one night a week and watch a Netflix movie one night a week. We are happy with the balance. The main thing is that in the evenings we are 1) connecting as a couple and 2) giving ourselves some relaxation/fun so we will be ready to get up in the morning and give the kids 100%.
Again, I cannot stress enough, that this stage (baby/toddler) does NOT last forever -- do what you need to do for now; things will get easier!
We raised our son without a television in the home. He's now a sophomore in college. IMO it was one of the best things we ever did for our family. We did a short stint with a tv when our son was in High school but it was he who asked us to get rid of it. It did become the "go to" thing in the evening and we missed out on so much family together time (where we were actually engaged with each other) that it wasn't a hard choice to ditch the tv. We do a lot of reading, listening to music, playing cribbage or chess, working crossword puzzles and sometimes just talking. We also read aloud books together.
One thing to consider would be your children's bedtime. My son and our foster kids all went to bed at 7:30 and yes they got up at 6 am but that was ok. By the time he was 8 we moved it up to 8pm and as he got older the bedtime moved up as well. It ment I had some down time in the evening and it also ment an early nap for them during the day.
Agreed, you should do what works right now. I would argue that the mere fact that you are choosing what to watch via Netflix makes you more mindful than just vegging out in front of any old channel that happens to be on for an arbitrary length of time.
We watched a lot of series straight through when DD was a baby. In fact, one friend gave us Battlestar Galactica DVDs as a baby gift, because he knew we would be tired and unable to get out much. Now that she's nearly 4, we watch a couple of shows a week but have more energy for other projects too.
TV doesn't make you more rested.
I am a single parent to 4 kiddos and briefly danced with having TV and cable, but really did not like the way it changed our interactions. I have to agree with above posters who felt that one of the best things they did for their kids was to forgo the TV. My now teens voice their appreciation for not having it here and that it forced them to do other things.
I had help in making the babies, but very little help in raising them.
I was always more rested for putting my feet up for 15 minutes than for having them in front of the TV while I cooked dinner. But that said, I loved the Magic School Bus video game that entertained them and taught them the basics of the solar system or cardiovascular system while I cooked dinner.
I can't speak to marital health, since that was never a part of our life.
There's nothing wrong with crashing in front of the tv for a short period of you life.
Last year was the worst work year I've had in decades and I was mentally beat at the end of the day. Couldn't plan to do anything. Didn't want to see anyone. Skipped out on most all social things. But that TOny Soprano--he got me through it! I watched The Sopranos from beginning to end on dvd, having never seen that show, and I will always be grateful to Tony for keeping me engaged in his violet, mobster life. I'm not sure there would have been anyone else who could do that.
I don't like this, don't want it to be the go to option but also am having trouble imagining us doing anything else but vegging for a show.
Anyone out there have suggestions or experience with this? I'd like to make a change but I'm at a loss as to what.
Let me try to answer this again, more directly.
Of course you can't imagine what else to do. You are exhausted. :(
As long as your wife is on board with the idea, just put the TV away. Unplugged in a closet or garage. Then after you get the kids to bed, sit on the couch together.You may talk, you may fall asleep, you may notice that spot on the wall where the paint doesn't cover. (You do not need to get up and fix it.) Just sit on the couch.
I'm willing to bet that whatever happens, even if you fall asleep, is better than what happens when Netflix is streaming.
It's worth a try.
Tussiemussies
8-25-12, 9:12am
How about after you feed the children put the baby in the stroller and all four of you go for a walk? It would be good to get outside and do something different.
Maybe you could cook a crockpot meal and have some friends bring their children over and you all eat dinner together.
I am trying to come up with ideas that would be fun for all of you so that you and your wife have had an enjoyable evening too!
I will keep thinking and post more! Christine
Miss Cellane
8-25-12, 9:24am
It's understandable that you are both exhausted after dealing with a toddler and a baby all day. Little kids are exhausting.
You might try just sitting together for that hour, doing absolutely nothing. I don't think, as a society, that we do absolutely nothing often enough.
Or, one or two nights a week, just go to bed right after you put the kids down. If you are that tired, don't spend the time doing anything but catching up on your sleep.
Whoops - I obviously totally misread your original post - thought you said you had one four-year-old instead of a four-month-old and a toddler. Even as anti-TV as I am, I agree with those who say you shouldn't be too hard on yourself about it under those circumstances. Though I would say it's worthwile to avoid getting your kids' viewing habits started if you can. As I said, my SO watches a lot, but keeps it off until the baby goes to bed, which makes a huge difference. So far, she hasn't seen it on much.
davidmcowan
8-27-12, 3:49pm
So much good advice!
We pretty much turned off the TV for adults since this post and allowed a couple shows for the toddler to give us time to make dinners and tend to the infant.
Preliminary thoughts are all positive. My wife and I had more conversations (I suggested just sitting on the couch and two nights that was perfect for us), I've done more reading (I hadn't opened and finished a book in 6-18 months) and at times just sitting. One night, out on the patio my wife suggested we take a blanket and go lay out in the grass - fabulous!
I've also been sleeping a little more (no glowing screens before bedtime help) and, when I do get up to feed the babe in the middle of the night I don't end up staying up to watch a show, which is also good.
I didn't mention this is also during a semi-media/electronics fast. I deleted my facebook account about a month and a half ago so that I would spend more time in the present with the people around me instead of yucking it up with other friends and not paying attention to what is going on around me. It has been great to be off facebook and even better to be off of tv. I still have a few vices that I'll keep chipping away at but your feedback really helped me wrap our collective heads around not watching tv at bedtime because we are exhausted and I think it is already paying off. If I (we) can keep it up I can't wait to see how I feel about it in six months!
And PLEASE, keep the ideas coming, our collective brainpower with two kids isn't great at generating alternate ideas. :)
Thanks for the feedback..
I'm trying not to be oversensitive here, but I wish people would be a bit more careful about the tone they take when they declare themselves free of their (self-chosen) electronic chains. Watching TV or reading/posting on Facebook or twitter or flickr/tumblr can be just as valuable a way to spend time as watching a ball game or working in a wood shop or working a second job or sculpting clay. There are people who like to hear what their family and friends are doing, to see graduation pictures and wedding pictures, to hear about their experiences at that new restaurant. There are people who enjoy seeing pictures of cute pets and who find fellowship in others' views on social issues of our day. That you may not care for it -- or may not be able to set boundaries on your intake or usage of it -- well, that doesn't make it a "vice" unless the activity is taking the place of home and family responsibilities.
Ditto for watching TV. Maybe not all of it rises to the level of a PBS documentary or Emmy-winning dramatic series. Maybe letting your kids effectively be raised by the Teletubbies and the Sesame Street gang isn't the best approach. But moderate enjoyment of TV (or movies, for that matter) is no vice, either.
No one should feel morally superior to any one else for not watching TV or movies or not listening to the radio or not reading books and newspapers.
...No one should feel morally superior to any one else for not watching TV or movies or not listening to the radio or not reading books and newspapers.
Oh I don't know. I feel that those who can shed the chains of this very website are morally superior to me.
Set me fre of the SL forums, I beg you! ha ha. sort of.
davidmcowan
8-27-12, 6:07pm
No one should feel morally superior to any one else for not watching TV or movies or not listening to the radio or not reading books and newspapers.
SteveinMN, simplicity is a personal, highly relative concept. I wasn't on here referring to other people, I was referring to me and my quest to lead a more thoughtful, simple life.
Also, a vice can be a lot of different things depending on the person.
I think you may have been oversensitive, but I won't take it personally since you live in my hometown.
SteveinMN, simplicity is a personal, highly relative concept. I wasn't on here referring to other people, I was referring to me and my quest to lead a more thoughtful, simple life.
I understand that. But I've seen word choices and word juxtapositions in posts from a few folks on this forum (in threads besides this one) which imply that watching TV is a "lesser pursuit". Heck, this entire thread was somewhat founded on that premise. I finally was triggered to post.
Also, a vice can be a lot of different things depending on the person.
Absolutely. In fact, many people (not so many here) honor certain vices, like the pursuit of money. Much safer to admit to workaholism than alcoholism, though both are addictions.
I think you may have been oversensitive, but I won't take it personally since you live in my hometown.
Noted. :)
Tussiemussies
8-28-12, 10:39am
Agree with other posters, you should just go to bed after you have taken care of the children, up to that point I think the activities on some nights should be fun for both you and your children...cook dinner together, take walks in the neighborhood and talk to neighbors who are out. Invite another family with children over, let the children play games while you and the other adults play games of your own. Having some fun for you and the children I think is key.:)
AmeliaJane
8-28-12, 6:52pm
Other ideas for low-key evening recreation:
--jigsaw puzzles
--listening to audiobooks or podcasts--I like to knit or cross-stitch while I do that. I also regularly read a blogger who reads to her husband (and vice versa) in the evening
Personally, when I'm really tired reading books doesn't appeal much although I love reading in general. Things I actually like to read when tired...rereading old favorites, magazines (not the self/home-improvement kinds, those are just more tiring, but things like Reader's Digest and the regional magazines that are more descriptive), graphic novels, or looking through art books.
Also, sort of like Stella, my sister and her neighbors used to trade off post-bedtime babysitting--after all the kids were in bed, one spouse would stay home, and the other would go over and basically sit in the second couple's house with the sleeping kids so that the second couple could go out for an hour or so. It usually wasn't for anything elaborate, just to get out of the house together for awhile.
Stevein MN--I have to respectfully disagree that you are being picked on (or deemed morally inferior.) Folks who want to watch TV in the privacy of their homes, or facebook to their heart's content are the norm in our culture. People who want to find a way of life without those entertainments are odd and this is one of the few places where others understand their desire to abstain.
Do not even get me started on the forced consumption of TV in the public sector (say for example, a dementia patient in a nursing home with a room mate who wants to watch Jerry Springer or any of the daytime soap operas...which leads to emotional upset in a person who does not understand the difference between TV and real life. Or taking your 9 year old daughter to the emergency department for treatment for her broken thumb and the huge screen TV in the waiting room is set on a CSI episode which involves a woman bound, raped and murdered. Blood splattered all over the room that she is found in.... and the triage staff at the ED "can't find the remote" for the TV and the only recourse is to sit facing the offending show yourself, so beloved daughter is facing away from it--that's how the chairs were set up.)
Sorry, David for derailing your topic. It's just so ubiquitous that people do not even realize it is on. Or how offensive it can be.
Like Fawn, I feel assaulted by the TV in public spaces and just hate it. At our prediatrician's office, the checklist of things they are supposed to ask us is whether we limit TV, but then they have a TV on showing cartoons in the waiting room. I hate it.
Also, it needs to be said: the research on the long-term effect of extensive TV viewing is pretty conclusive and pretty negative. Heavy TV viewing has been correlated with lower IQ's in children, with increased risk of depression later in life for adolescents who watch a lot of it, with obesity for people of all ages, with increased risk of Alzheimer's and heart disease, with lower rates of overall happiness in adults, and the list goes on.
That said, my personal decision to not watch much TV is mostly based on the fact that after years of living without it, I simply don't often find it relaxing or enjoyable. If others do, that's their perogative, but I wouldn't say it's the same kind of activity as reading. I'd say it's more like smoking or drinking - something we may find relaxing and may indulge in, but that ultimately may take a toll.
Hmmm. I've been an avid reader since I was a toddler, and I don't see much difference, personally. But maybe that's my low IQ talking... http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists/connie/connie_22.gif
Hmmm. I've been an avid reader since I was a toddler, and I don't see much difference, personally. But maybe that's my low IQ talking... http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists/connie/connie_22.gif
Jane--seriously--you do not see the difference between your choice to read or watch TV at home or having the TV on in public places like the MD office or the nursing home?
I would much prefer that the fall back option, the default setting be "No electronics, no books, no stimulation" than whatever the marketing/government droids say I "should" be watching/hearing."
But maybe thats my low IQ talking (and I can't even find the cool low IQ smiley....)
SteveinMN
8-29-12, 10:22pm
The irony is that, except for The Simpsons in syndication, The Big Bang Theory, and the occasional broadcast concert or hockey game (we have super-minimal cable), I really don't watch much TV. My wife enjoys it more, but none of what she's watching (typically old sitcoms from the 50s and 60s) is enough to send me out of the room. And I've already blocked a brother-in-law and a cousin from my Facebook feed because they "over-share". Maybe I'm just really good at literally tuning it out....
I don't disagree with the studies that show that heavy TV watching leads to a myriad of emotional and physical issues. But I think most people (especially on this site) watch an amount of TV that is not that high. Call it "social watching" on the order of "social drinking". And, from that perspective, I don't find it any more or less noble to watch a baseball game on TV than it is to attend in person. I don't find it any more noble to read a Jodi Picoult novel than it is to watch a travel documentary. But I think many people (even outside this forum) are too willing to write off TV as having no redeeming value. And I just don't think that's so. Like smoking and drinking, watching TV can become a behavior people cannot control. Then it's a problem. Until then, though,...
Jane--seriously--you do not see the difference between your choice to read or watch TV at home or having the TV on in public places like the MD office or the nursing home?
I would much prefer that the fall back option, the default setting be "No electronics, no books, no stimulation" than whatever the marketing/government droids say I "should" be watching/hearing."
But maybe thats my low IQ talking (and I can't even find the cool low IQ smiley....)
No, I don't see much difference between reading or watching/listening to TV as a way to educate/entertain myself. I don't like video forced on me in public places any more than I like having to listen to other people's too-loud conversations or some street preacher's Biblical rants. Or any other noise.
The smiley is courtesy of www.Kolobok.us
ApatheticNoMore
8-30-12, 12:56am
I have to listen to radio (blasting out), everytime I step outside the building at work (yes this includes coming to and leaving work). It's a public sidewalk but is perfectly fine with the daily music assault. Then more (but different) music to get to the parking lot. Involuntary music exposure on the way to and from work makes me extremely grumpy, it didn't initally but then when it's every single workday without end .... I don't want to have to listen to this music, I don't even really want to be there, why do I have to go through this @#$@ just to earn a living? And then just this week there was the neighbor either watching t.v. (probably) or else talk radio AT 2AM AT NIGHT LOUDLY, which of course woke me up.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.5 Copyright © 2025 vBulletin Solutions Inc. All rights reserved.