View Full Version : Compartmentalization
Having moved around in the US a lot, I realize that I have some things in common with some friends while others haven't a clue I'm into these things. For example, I have only one friend who knows I read and post on this networkl I imagine the others don't know this network exists. I have two old friends who know difficult things from my early life--no one else does now. Most know nothing about my former careers and former personal life. Friends from way back with whom I haven't kept up, have no idea about major health problems since 1991 that have heavily shaped my current life. None of these seems like a bad choice, but I feel kind of fragmented. Only DH knows all of it, and I'm lucky that he doesn't bring up old painful things from my life, as I do not from his. My interests and activities have changed a lot over time--most people who know me haven't a clue about that; with some I know more about them than that.
I want t know if you all's lives are like this.
Gardenarian
9-5-12, 5:13pm
Yes, my life is divided into 1) work friends 2) neighbors 3) homeschool friends and acquaintances 4) random people I like.
Each of these groups sees a different part of my life, and there are things I choose to share with some that I would not with others. For example, my work friends all know about my health problems because I'll need to call in sick etc. where as my random friends who I don't see regularly may never know.
I don't have many old-time friends (3, to be exact) and they usually just get the sketchiest outline of what is going on with me (both live some distance away.) I also don't want to bog down my relationships with negativity, so unless is it is really relevant I avoid mentioning my health or other personal problems. It's not that I'm secretive, more that it's actually pleasant to have some areas of my life where I can just act as though all the bad stuff hasn't even happened.
Does that make any sense?
ToomuchStuff
9-6-12, 1:33am
Why wouldn't it be?
Yes, I think it is natural for thing to be that way. I've moved a lot too, though. One thing that Facebook does, whether it's a positive or negative, is blend all of those contacts together, depending on whom you let into your network.
I think most of us naturally have that, it is kinda fun for me sometimes to share something outside of my specific box and see the reaction. So now many people know I used to hang out as a white suburban punk on the busy street downtown here, even though I am a middle aged mom who works with kids. hmm. I share that all my kids have had extreme haircuts typically when i start to hear a judgement from others on how people look.
however I have lately been more wanting to not share everything. I realize that I cannot control and sometimes have little effect on, how others understand the information I share with them. It isn't secret but I would be mad if some things were shared without my permission.
susanbailey
9-7-12, 9:11am
My life was very fragmented and I used to be secretive about the various parts of my life, not because they were anything to be ashamed of, but just because they were out of the mainstream and I didn't want to try and explain, especially to family members. Lately though I feel like I want to pull all the pieces together and be whole. I feel like it will make me stronger. I know it's giving me insight into things because I'm seeing connections to things that aren't related to me and that's fun. I decided to blog about it, partly to share but mainly to hold myself accountable to my goal - living my life in a single flow. If you're interested, the blog is http://www.beasone.org.
I feel that I am like an onion with different layers that others have seen at different times. Even my kids don't know all the layers and they shouldn't as they have a fulltime effort living and fulfilling their own lives. While I share my thoughts with DH, there are many layers about me that mean nothing to him or the same about him. We are different people and bring different perspectives to our life together. We share our goals and values but our differences still make life very interesting after 47 years together.
Honestly, I have moved a lot in my life but feel that I am like that pebble in a fast flowing stream that is shaped by the contact with the water of life and other pebbles and they make me who I am today.
I am not my past or my future, I am my present.
Gardenarian
9-10-12, 5:02pm
Susan - welcome to the forum! I checked out your blog - I couldn't believe it. I used to swim across Lake Waban nearly every day in the summer when I lived out in the Boston area. It is one of the very few things I miss - really lovely. Thanks for the memories! Oh, and great blog!
Roads go ever, ever on...
awakenedsoul
9-10-12, 7:44pm
I think that's normal. When I was in my twenties and thirties, I was much more social. Most of my friends were from work, and we took dance classes together. We'd meet for coffee or a meal. Now that I'm older, most of them are married and have kids. I have a few long term friends, but I don't talk to them that often. I'm friendly with some of my neighbors, but we mostly talk about our animals, their kids, or what's going on in the area. I'm friendly with some women in a knitting group that I attend. I try not to discuss my personal problems. We talk about gardening, patterns, etc...The people I talk with on line I don't know in person. I like to stay private on line.
Yes, definitely.
Not everyone needs to know everything. For example, I don't share my insecurities with anyone apart from my partner and closest friends. I know other people that share this type of information with everyone, and it kind of strains relationships.
I don't like to give my life story to everyone I meet, even though it tends to be very different from most people's. I used to, but then I realised that it's very presumptuous and arrogant to assume that I am any different to anyone else or more interesting. Things will gradually come up in conversations over time.
Yes, there are way too many details in every person's life to saddle anyone else with. When somebody decides that they'll tell me their life story, I feel like I'm being taken hostage. This happens every once in awhile, without warning. I prefer details to come up naturally and appropriately when they can add to the conversation. I keep a lot of the details of my life to myself. Anything I share, even if it may seem personal, is something that I'm comfortable about people knowing about me (such as on my facebook profile).
Yes, there are way too many details in every person's life to saddle anyone else with. When somebody decides that they'll tell me their life story, I feel like I'm being taken hostage. This happens every once in awhile, without warning. I prefer details to come up naturally and appropriately when they can add to the conversation. I keep a lot of the details of my life to myself. Anything I share, even if it may seem personal, is something that I'm comfortable about people knowing about me (such as on my facebook profile).
Exactly. I think of it as the dead rat gambit. New friend relates some horrifying event in her past (spousal abuse, rape...) then waits expectantly. It reminds me of my cat showing up with a kill, expecting a reciprocal treat. But I got nothin'. And even if I did, I'd keep it to myself. I'm a failure at social games.
Exactly. I think of it as the dead rat gambit. New friend relates some horrifying event in her past (spousal abuse, rape...) then waits expectantly. It reminds me of my cat showing up with a kill, expecting a reciprocal treat. But I got nothin'. And even if I did, I'd keep it to myself. I'm a failure at social games.
This is a scream! But these diverging episodes really vary on how much the teller expects the tellee to reciprocate. So many tellers just want to get it out there, the stuff.
Gardenarian, that's not me whose blog you found. I live in Santa Fe, NM and the Sangre de Cristo mountains--long way away.
Oh, I realize you meant the other Susan.
These remarks here have been enormously helpful to me. I'd thought I was impossibly remote, but see here that's not what it's about. Thanks.
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