practicing compassion

[Zoe Girl]

I was just reading the quote by the Dalai Lama, if you want to be happy practice compassion.

So I am pretty good about that I think, I have my selfish thoughts and my actions are not perfect. I understand that and I am not trying to be perfect, however I know good people and I think I am good people. I also think my kids are good people.

So we are good and compassionate and the risk in that is being used in some way. And my daughter is getting it again. She has had a rough couple years. She is pretty close to getting out of the situation however there is a good chance she will never get her money back. As of this minute she is trying to just get back rent paid, get through the 2 months left on the lease, and get out. She is pulling in all favors to get the money together, I paid 2 months rent this summer when she was not able to work already so I hope her dad can help her. I never want to hear about or see these 'friends' again. We have known the whole group for 6 years. They used to hang out in my garage, I let them smoke there so they would not be at risk out on the streets.

I just want to know how many others feel their compassion is run out. Of course she has made some really bad choices in friends, but they are still responsible for their actions. I still am a good person, I still work in a social service type job, but I am totally over being helpful to anyone. My daughter and I will not get paid back, there is almost no chance of that. So when we struggle, these users keep failing and not paying their part.

[Lainey]

I think there's such a thing as compassion with boundaries. Sounds like some lessons were learned that needed to be learned so that going forward one can be empathetic with people's situations without being drawn into them where you yourself are hurt.

[redfox]

Here are some powerful quotes on compassion, by Pema. See what speaks to you...

http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/8052.Pema_Ch_dr_n

[Florence]

I think just about everyone gets used by "friends" in the process of growing up. Consider it a lesson learned. IMHO.

[ToomuchStuff]

There is compassion, and there is gullibility. A gal I know, told me about Dave Ramsey, AFTER I had paid off my house, LOL (like I needed to hear him?) Dave and I had a mutual friend, so I started listening to him. To use one thing he says in this context, compassion would be like paying a persons entry fee into rehab. Gullibility would be paying the whole bill. (compassion is only emotional support and/or providing an opportunity)

[domestic goddess]

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Does that lack compassion? I don't really think so. It is one thing to try to help someone, it is another to keep on, when they have shown they don't really want help. I don't think it is required that you end up in the poorhouse in order to show "compassion" to someone who just wants a free ride. But don't let that blind you to those who really need and will appreciate your help. I also don't think it is required that all help be monetary, though someone can really suck the strength out of you, too. Try to help, but be prepared to pull back at the first sign that someone is going to suck you dry in some way and leave you behind. I don't have a lot of spare cash that I don't know what to do with, so I practice monetary compassion by donating to organizations I know to be reputable. I have a bit more in emotional resources, so I can be a little more free there, but I do try to stay watchful. Try to look at this as a lesson, and move on from there.

[Zoe Girl]

Thank you all,

redfox, I have pema's book on when things fall apart on my nook. I love it. The quote that spoke to me was one about when you feel wretched, just feel wretched. It is easier to go through a tough time yourself than to watch your kid get hurt. So I will see what comes up in meditation, it is all just a bit much. We are about 6 weeks late on getting a permanent crown on her tooth and that is too much for me, having her struggle to come with money to cover her roomate again just cannot be my problem right now. I hate it but I also did not pick her friends. We have been through a few years of me being very clear that her choice of people to hang out with and her choice to not care about moving beyond minimum wage was not something I could agree with. And so the compassion may be loooong gone for these 'friends' but I can still have compassion for my daughter as she learns these hard lessons.

[lhamo]

Sometimes, often actually, giving people what they ask for is not the real act of compassion. Sometimes NOT giving people what they think they want or what they ask for is the real compassionate act. Your daughter may care deeply about these friends, but all along it has been true that she has not done them or herself any favors by allowing them to abuse and exploit her kindness. They have not grown up or learned to accept responsibility/accountability for their actions, and she has unfortunately paid both financially and emotionally.

It sounds to me like saying goodbye and focusing on taking care of herself might be the most deeply compassionate thing she (and you) can do at this point in time. If they are real friends they will understand one day. If they aren't, they will still walk their own path and hopefully eventually learn some of the lessons they need to learn.

I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt or remorse for walking away. Care for yourself and your daughter during this difficult time for you both. No one can or should fault you for that.

lhamo

[catherine]

Just the other day, my 56 year old brother asked me for money. I've given money to him twice before fairly recently. He's not a spendthrift, and he's not trying to take advantage of me--he's just going through hard times with his wife. The other two times, I told him not to pay me back. As a Dave Ramsey devotee, I go along with his idea that debt to family members strains relationships.

But this time, he triggered something in me, and it wasn't a good emotion. It was an angry, frustrated emotion. I didn't share it with him of course, because 90% of it had nothing to do with him. But I was all of a sudden angry because I had just had to pay for something for my husband, who has run out of funds and has very little work. I had loaned my daughter substantial money for an art program she was accepted into. I gave my other brother who's addicted and homeless money to get to a VA in another state. I am also waiting to get paid back from another son who also is living on the edge going to law school and working full time.

Meanwhile, I'm still shouldering $3000 of debt each month that I'm not even really responsible for, other than the fact that I cosigned the loans. Meanwhile also, I just don't have any money.

I sat nice and comfortably on the pity pot and asked myself, how did I get to be everyone's Bank of America???

Yes, it's not a "pretty me." It's a pretty ugly me. Because of course, the answer to my question is, no one held a gun to my head. I couldn't bring anyone to court and say I signed up under duress. These were my choices. I liked to think I was being "compassionate." But what I didn't understand is that being compassionate does not mean being a doormat, or not being discerning about making decisions that could affect my own well-being. Compassion would allow me to say "Brother, I share your need in spirit and I love you, but I do not have the resources to help you." Alternatively, I could say "Brother, yes I will help you" but then if I were compassionate, I'd leave any sense that my giving makes me a victim or martyr of any sort whatsoever. I would give cheerfully and forget it.

Sometimes we buy a shot to our own ego with our "compassion."

So, thanks, redfox, for those Pema Chodron quotes. Very helpful to me right at this moment.

Also, thanks for letting me vent.

[nswef]

Catherine, I love your statement Sometimes we buy a shot to our own ego with our "compassion". I should write that in stone and put it next to the checkbook. Playing Lady Bountiful is not true compassion. Saying no is sometimes best.

[leslieann]

Catherine, so nicely put. For me, I have to always check my boundaries and my resentment tank. I want resentment to be at zero. When it isn't, it is toxic to everything I do or want or even just to my daily rounds. So if I say "yes" to this, will I resent it? I might if it means that my needs (whatever they are, time, solitude, attention, companionship) won't be met and so I have to sit with that. Do I want to do this "giving" if I am going to feel a bit....resentful? I usually say no because resentment is so ugly for me....can ruin relationships, starts a pile of negative self talk for me, and I lose my sense of inner peace (which isn't always available anyway).

For me, compassion and giving material things are not even related. Generosity, yes, but not compassion. I can have genuine compassion without handing over anything other than that positive energy and good wishes (which are not trivial).

having said that, I can also understand how we get caught up in "helping" everyone and how our self-image can get caught up in it, too.

[leslieann]

redfox, the pema quotes were awesome. Thanks for that.

[redfox]

Thank you all,

redfox, I have pema's book on when things fall apart on my nook. I love it. The quote that spoke to me was one about when you feel wretched, just feel wretched. It is easier to go through a tough time yourself than to watch your kid get hurt. So I will see what comes up in meditation, it is all just a bit much. We are about 6 weeks late on getting a permanent crown on her tooth and that is too much for me, having her struggle to come with money to cover her roomate again just cannot be my problem right now. I hate it but I also did not pick her friends. We have been through a few years of me being very clear that her choice of people to hang out with and her choice to not care about moving beyond minimum wage was not something I could agree with. And so the compassion may be loooong gone for these 'friends' but I can still have compassion for my daughter as she learns these hard lessons.


Blessings, m'dearie. Trust that your good parenting will see her through the rock n roll of young adulthood, that time when we all makes mistakes. As the saying goes, wisdom comes from experience, and experience comes from screwing up!

Setting & sticking to your own boundaries, even if it seems draconian now, will help support her good decision making as well as your mental heath. Compassion starts with Self!