View Full Version : How would you handle this -
I was feeling pretty good this morning - lovely day in my town, and something fun coming up later in the afternoon. I work at a radio station where we don't do many interviews, and the ones we do get are usually given to other people here. But by sheer chance I scored a couple really fun ones this week, and I have a big one coming up later today. So I put on a dress and fluffed up my hair (sprayed the hell out of it, but I LOVE this guy I'm going to chat with later on!) and just felt kind of sparkly today.
Said hi to my co-worker Garth, who has some personality problems but is overall a good guy. He talks incessantly, and also has a need to interrupt people with his endless and repetitious stories. He always has to open the door and barge in no matter what, because he has a fear of being excluded. He's annoying, but I know a bit about his background - his parents were alcoholics, he was savagely neglected as a child and so apparently needs way more interaction as an adult than most people do. So I've cut him a break on most things. Yes he's a pest, but he would give you the shirt off his back, and I've always been confident that he would never do anything but speak well of me to others. I mean I just never doubted it for a second.
For me, I haven't been a saint. I have complained about him to my husband and my boss, and his hygiene is pretty overwhelmingly bad sometimes. So yes, I've made fun of him, both in my head and to my husband (who can't stand him). But I don't ever say anything negative about Garth to others at work.
Okay, so Garth has a new friend these days, an admin assistant named Stacey. I was excited she was coming on board and have tried to be friendly and to work well with her, but it's having no effect. For whatever reason she freezes me out, and I've pretty much given up trying to improve our relationship - though I've remained cordial and professional.
Meanwhile, though, Garth and Stacey sit together and have become Best Friends Forever. The other day he says to me: "Isn't she loveable?" And I'm like, wtf. Kind of weird and annoying, because they talk all day long and they're very loud. But better for me actually, because now he's got Stacey, he interrupts my work less often.
So I walked to work today and was feeling overheated when I got there. I left my studio door wide open to get some air. Suddenly I hear my name being spoken in a soft voice just outside my studio door. I only hear a few snatches of conversation, but suddenly Stacey erupts in wild laughter and she's joined by Garth (who always laughs as heartily at his own jokes as anybody else).
When he came back around the corner I said, "Hey Garth, whazzup, were you dissing my sweater?" I had thought I'd heard the word sweater paired with my name, but I wasn't wearing one.
"What? Hey, ho ho no! Oh no, I was just talking to Stacey about her trip in this morning. She took the bus in and had to sit next to a really bad-smelling guy. It was like sitting next to a garbage pail the whole trip. So I said, hey, you should go back and talk with Kitten, she's got on some super strong perfume today! That'll help! Ha ha! Just a little joke, ha ha! I figure you're all dressed up today for the big interview later on? Yeah, you'll do great, just like always!"
It really sort of crushed me. I suddenly I realized that it's possible those two could be constantly laughing about me behind my back. And it just socked the crap out of my mood today.
As a kid this would happen a lot (I was a quiet nerd who was bullied and scapegoated, long story), so this kind of thing brings back all kinds of sickening memories.
Garth and I aren't close friends, but for years we've had a long-standing happy hour bar thing that we do with one other friend of ours every other week. I'm feeling like I just don't want to participate anymore.
I also want to get back at the guy. I know this is ridiculous, and I can't possibly spend any emotional energy actually contemplating or planning to do this. God forbid, and it would backfire like crazy anyway. But I'm hurt and my mind is revolving all kinds of things.
I guess I'm consulting you for advice on this. I want to stay professional and classy, and removed. I don't want anyone - not Garth or Stacey, or anyone else in this gossip factory where I work - to suspect I've been hurt. I want to move on, but I don't know quite how. I would welcome any input!
loosechickens
9-14-12, 3:52pm
Gosh, maybe I'm thick skinned, but I don't see insult here.......the person was talking about someone on their trip to work who had body odor or something, and the other mentioned that she needed something like the perfume you had on that day to try to cover it up. It just sounds like they noticed that you were wearing perfume, knew you had an interview, so figured you had gussied up a bit for it.
I know if in the past you've been bullied or gossiped about, it's easy to see insult whether intended or not, but to me, this sounds more just like clueless folks, who when faced with talking about someone you'd want to avoid smelling, hit on the nearest person wearing perfume to use as an example of what you could do to cover up exposure to the body odor.
I'd certainly let it go. It might be good to be a bit more aware, if you think this could have been meant in an insulting way, but the chances are that it was just a careless remark by folks who sound like they are not world class in their social skills.
I bet you looked AND smelled really, really nice for your interview. ;-)
Well, I'd just say, consider the source. It doesn't sound like either one is very credible when it comes to good taste in clothing or self-care or manners, for that matter. I don't think you should take their comments very seriously. Brush them off, stand up straight, smile about your awesomenss and enjoy your interview!!!
Thanks the for nice words, Loosechickens!
Yeah, everything that happens in the present has echoes of the past - I don't think I'm unusual in this respect, but my experiences have no doubt made me crazy sensitive and probably a little paranoid.
I'm really shocked that Garth would use me to score a point with Stacey - the sound of the laughter after I heard my name just made me freeze, but as you say, they might not have been making fun of me. I still suspect they were though.
The other thing that has surprised me is how much it set me off course. I had been thinking that I've been getting better at navigating the world socially and at work, and then this thing happens and knocks me off my perch. Just sort of humbling - I thought I was more evolved than to be so affected, you know?
The other aspect that rankles is the fact that it's been difficult for me to make women friends at work. I did hit it off pretty well with a nice girl who interned here over the summer, but she's gone now :( Stacey's constant presence and coolness toward me hurts, but it hurts more given Garth's special relationship with her (such as it is - I don't think there's anything romantic going on, which makes it either more or less weird depending on your perspective).
One other possible interp I came up with - Garth as I mentioned has some bad body odor himself. It could be that Stacey was telling him her story about the guy next to her on the bus, as a way of opening up a conversation about hygiene. But I'm not sure. She has an annoying nervous laugh that she uses all the time, but to Garth's ears she seems to approve of him wholeheartedly, which is why he's so crazy about her. Still, it's possible she's just been tolerating him out of politeness.
I don't think so though.
Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm being carried in a litter (practically- they've never taken me in the station van before, woo hoo!) to an interview with one of my fave performing artists of all time, and I'm going to have a nice drink with the hubster afterward (or four) and forget all about this. For now...
Thanks for the support, I appreciate i!
Thanks so much for those kind words, BeckyLiz! I'll do my best :D
try2bfrugal
9-15-12, 11:46am
(sprayed the hell out of it....on some super strong perfume today
I think you should look at the issue from your coworkers point of view. I would handle it by not wearing so much of a scent that you are bothering other people.
You might want to Google the term:
strong perfume coworker
ToomuchStuff
9-16-12, 12:48am
I'm really shocked that Garth would use me to score a point with Stacey
You first thing reads to me, like you should eliminate the words "a point" from the above sentence. (sounds like they have an attraction)
She is cold to you, so it sounds to me like she see's you as a threat. That would make their relationship, more like yours and your husbands, and why would you want to be a schmuck and cause a problem between them? Get over the revenge aspect. JMHO
I understand you have issues as a bullying victim, heck, I have been bullied myself,as well as had a knife to my throat, a pistol to my stomach and a rifle to my temple. I identify with the shooters at schools, rather then the victims (and that pisses people off) and think too many "victims" actually in those cases, had what they dished out, thrown back at them. It still doesn't solve anything in the end (change only happens within)
As for BO, it isn't much different from too much perfume or cologne. It can and does cause breathing issues with some of us (myself included).
Why do you care what they think?
For the record, I didn't have any perfume on that day - my co-worker's reaction threw me a bit. I had done my hair a different way, and I put some extra spray in it because it's different lengths right now and flies around a lot during my walk to work. So it smelled strong - so sue me. I had NO IDEA there was anything objectionable about my hair spray.
I like Bae's perspective - why do I care? Good point. I'm not sure why, unless it has something to do with long experience being corrected and normalized by my parents, peers and therapists. I think as a child, we associate getting our parents' approval (and society's approval) with survival. Now that I'm all growed up, I'm aware that a lot of what I was fed as a kid was a crock. And there's even room for me to be a bit different, and even to offend some people some times. And it doesn't kill me or them!
But old habits die hard, and yes - I still care what people think. I'm stuck in this cage eight hours a day with people I didn't choose to be with. I see these folks more than I do my own husband. I would hope to be able to preserve some kind of positive working relationship with them, and so far I do - with most. I guess I should be grateful for what I can do, and let the rest go!
I do know that chatting with y'all helps me and restores my perspective. So thanks again :)
FWIW, if you are reacting emotionally and negatively to comments that you have overheard, one option might be to find something that you like about the parties that you overheard and get your own emotions back under control. It is hard to think clearly when the emotions kick in. (That is the voice of experience speaking, BTW.:|()
Not sure what your office policy is but so many places (offices, library etc.,) around my neck of the woods have posted signs about being scent-free as some people who have allergies really react strongly and are forced to leave. This would include scented hairspray , handcreams and such.
try2bfrugal
9-18-12, 1:25pm
Not sure what your office policy is but so many places (offices, library etc.,) around my neck of the woods have posted signs about being scent-free as some people who have allergies really react strongly and are forced to leave. This would include scented hairspray , handcreams and such.
The Environmental Working Group has a paper called -
Not So Sexy:
The Health Risks of Secret Chemicals in Fragrance
http://safecosmetics.org/downloads/NotSoSexy_report_May2010.pdf#page=1
"The average fragrance product tested contained 14 secret
chemicals not listed on the label. Among them are chemicals
associated with hormone disruption and allergic reactions,
and many substances that have not been assessed for safety in
personal care products.
Also in the ranks of undisclosed ingredients are chemicals
with troubling hazardous properties or with a propensity to
accumulate in human tissues. These include diethyl phthalate,
a chemical found in 97 percent of Americans (Silva 2004) and
linked to sperm damage in human epidemiological studies
(Swan 2008), and musk ketone, a synthetic fragrance ingredient
that concentrates in human fat tissue and breast milk
(Hutter 2009; Reiner 2007)."
I would laugh. If they really thought you would be offended they probably wouldn't have said it, and even if they did think that, so what? If it's a joke, it didn't really incriminate you in any way, except as a somewhat heavy perfume wearer and there could be a lot of things worse.
One time my coworker and I were leafing through the Holiday Neiman Marcus catalog. She was always dressed to the nines; I was going through times when I certainly couldn't afford anything above the essentials.
So, when we saw a sweater that was $600, I said, "Wow, $600 for one sweater!" To which she said, "Yeah, your whole wardrobe." I was a wee bit surprised she was that b*tchy to my face, but I laughed about it, because that was just her. I took no offense whatsoever. She can think whatever she wants. I almost took it as a compliment, in fact.
So, I would say, move past it. You were well-dressed, your colleague complimented you (in a slightly backhanded way) on your work skills and your appearance. And if you're taken aback by his inference you may have been wearing too much perfume, consider that.
And if they are? What's the worst case scenario for you?
Hi Catherine - Yeah, I like that attitude! (btw - I wasn't wearing perfume, I had on some extra hairspray - I think that's what he was smelling. I also wear the cheapest solid deodorant they have at the store near me, could be that was the culprit. Dunno.)
Yes Redfox, there's no worst-case for me. They've excluded me, and it's a fait accompli. It just feels like a comment on my lack of coolness - that's why it rankles. I'm normal, I'd like to be accepted at work.
I'm not a manager, but I'm being treated sort of like that - like someone you can't be friends with because my job descrip puts me in a certain category. There's a lot of that mind-set where I work - oh, I can only go to lunch with someone lateral to me. Weird.
I've often wished I were a guy for this reason. I think guys get less caught up in personality drama at work (though they can be the cause of these conflicts as much as women can). But they just.don't.care. I need to take a page from that...
Razz, thanks for the advice!
I read somewhere that a third of the people you meet dislike you on sight. Certainly some percentage does: you remind them of an ex, or a boss, or a situation, or you run up against their prejudices. At any rate, it's unrealistic to expect everyone to like you.
My entirely anecdotal experience of working in all-male (save one) and all-female groups is that the latter too often lives up to its stereotypes.
I've noticed in your work stories that you create stories around what you assume the others are thinking and feeling. You may or may not be accurate in that. I could think of a whole bunch of reasons why Stacy is "cool" to you, primary one being you mentioned its a culture that places a lot of value on hierarchy. Stacy may perceive you as "higher" than her admin position, and not want to engage to avoid telling you too much if she thinks you might have some influence on her job. Or like others said, maybe you remind her of someone else she doesn't like. There could be a whole bunch of reasons that have nothing to do with you, per se. Or, she could really not like you, but what does it matter? You can still be civil and polite, and expect the same in return (if you have to work together).
You can stop the drama by not telling yourself all these stories, that may not even be true. But you have to want to do that- some people like the drama because it adds a little spice to their life. If you want to do that, you can stop yourself by making yourself come up with at least 3 explanations for any behavior. Once you can think of other things that could be the cause besides you, its easier to just let it go. Not everyone is going to like you, even if you try really really hard and are really really nice to people.
Herbgeek, yes- the hierarchy thing where I work definitely has an effect. I can see your point that she thinks I might have some sort of say in her future at this place. I mean I don't, but there's no way she can know that. She's found her special friend at work, the one ally she needs, so that's done and dusted and now she's keeping her head down. Not really a comment on me personally.
I love the exercise to come up with three possible explanations for any given reaction a person has to me. Good stuff! And it feeds into my need, in a more positive way, to create stories about the things that happen to me (interesting you picked that up).
I would say that my desire to create stories is NOT a symptom of needing more drama in my life, or of liking drama, or anything like that. But I do rely on stories in order to interpret my experience. And it's totally automatic by now, but I love your idea of getting a hold of the process and becoming conscious of it when it starts happening in my head! Not everything I think I see out there is actually out there.
JaneV2.0, how true! And knowing that some rejection is going to be true for everyone makes me feel better.
Jane, I haven't had significant confidence issues since high school or college. Somewhere during that time I figured out that I'm an introvert and that having a lot of casual friends to always be doing stuff with was exhausting and not particularly enjoyable to me. Since then I've stopped trying to get/maintain lots of friends and instead focus on always having a few truly close friends that I care about but don't necessarily spend my time 24/7 with. But your comment that supposedly 1/3 of people are disliking me on sight is a bit rattling! After all, I'm charming and have a fun, if quirky and occassionally very dark and sarcastic, personality. (if I do say so myself...) I suppose, though, that I'd be happy enough to know that 2/3 of the people I meet would agree with my self assessment!
Of course, maybe that 1/3 dislike number explains the negative comments that someone made about me regarding a client meeting I went to last week. I actually had 15 client and broker meetings last week and as far as I know this was the only one that supposedly didn't go well, so I suppose the negatives were below average... And even this one turned out fine from a biz perspective. I'm expecting to get the order for the business on monday (knock on wood) and it also turns out that the person in the meeting who had the negative opinion of me had gotten roped into the meeting just a few hours beforehand after being out on vacation for two weeks, so he was grumpy to begin with and apologized to my boss yesterday for his comments once my boss explained why i'd acted/done what I did at the meeting. Which points up another thing. People's negative comments or bad attitude often have nothing to do with you. In this case his bad opinion of me was as much a result of it being a crappy first day back from his vacation as it was anything that was actually about me.
Jane, I haven't had significant confidence issues since high school or college. Somewhere during that time I figured out that I'm an introvert and that having a lot of casual friends to always be doing stuff with was exhausting and not particularly enjoyable to me. Since then I've stopped trying to get/maintain lots of friends and instead focus on always having a few truly close friends that I care about but don't necessarily spend my time 24/7 with. But your comment that supposedly 1/3 of people are disliking me on sight is a bit rattling! After all, I'm charming and have a fun, if quirky and occassionally very dark and sarcastic, personality. (if I do say so myself...) I suppose, though, that I'd be happy enough to know that 2/3 of the people I meet would agree with my self assessment! ...
I have no idea where that number came from; it could be one in ten. It's certainly some percentage, and it probably varies widely among individuals. As Rick Nelson sang "You can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself." (Which is a non sequitur, but anyway...)
I went to an information session about a parenting class DH and I were considering participating in today, and I had some interesting reactions/thoughts to the main example we discussed of how to help a child address a difficult situation. The "case study" example was of a 9 or 10 year old kid who came home saying something to this effect: "I have been staying inside during recess instead of going out on the stupid playground because I don't want to play baseball. I suck at baseball." The approach this particular course is emphasizing is an empathetic one that is supposed to build better communication skills between parents and kids, so the proposed focus for something like this was to say something like "yeah, I can see why the idea of going out on the stupid playground is something that might upset you -- you want to tell me more about how you are feeling?" But personally I felt the facilitator was missing a level. It isn't about just empathizing, it's about helping the child be able to look at the situation a bit more objectively, recognize what the facts are and what the interpretation is, and help the child come up with a positive approach for dealing with both the facts and the feelings. So in this baseball situation, I would point out that objectively a playground can't be stupid -- it is a place where things happen. Something has happened there that has made the child feel upset -- we need to figure out what that is, and how it affected the child. It may be a real event (someone made fun of the child, or he/she always gets picked last for the team). That is something that happened/happens, and neither we as parents nor the child themself can control that (in the realm of "other people's business"). But we can control the reaction. And maybe there are things we can do to practically build the skill level of the child (whether it is developing strength so they can hold/swing the bat better, or speed so they can make it to the bases faster, or catching skills so they aren't always dropping the ball.
I make this long-winded example because I think things like what kitten faced often take us back to those painful times in our childhood where we were hurt by the actions of others, and probably didn't have good skills to deal either with the situation or our feelings about it. But we can learn these skills as adults. Does it hurt to feel people are talking about us behind our backs? Certainly. But how much of that is the facts and how much of it is the story we are telling ourselves (as suggested above). And how can we use these painful moments to build better internal resiliency so that we aren't so easily injured by such petty actions.
lhamao, I have to ask, why on earth are you considering taking a parenting class. It looks to me that you ought to be teaching the parenting class.
That's why she is a good parent...she never stops learning!
lhamao, I have to ask, why on earth are you considering taking a parenting class. It looks to me that you ought to be teaching the parenting class.
Heh, heh -- I kind of felt the same way! Wasn't that impressed by the facilitator, to be honest. The whole system (Parent Effectiveness Training, for those who care) seems a bit like a pyramid scheme, at least the way it is being run in Beijing. People go through the course and then almost immediately become trainers themselves. This woman did have a background in counselling, so maybe that is why she was fast tracked into the trainer role, but she only just took the course herself a year ago. It isn't that different from the information I have already read/been influenced by in the "How to Talk so your kids will listen" books, so I'll probably save my money.
It wasn't a waste of time, though, as some of the comments from the Chinese Tiger Moms who came (who could NOT get their brains around why it might not be so good to force your kid to be a budding genius at 5 by making them take all kinds of classes and activities until their heads explode and they totally melt down and start resenting you at a very deep level) led to an interesting discussion between DH and I about our goals for parenting and our family life. He is thankfully NOT a Tiger Dad.
lhamo - good on you - this is important work. And I agree, those people were missing a level. Great that you point that out.
There's another level they missed: bullying is a huge problem among children. As you noted, some other kids were probably heckling that child who said he sucked at baseball. But that kid is just the victim of abusive behavior. And lhamo, I'm just speaking generally here, I'm not saying you guys did the wrong thing. But I just think that in general, the adults in these situations need to NOT have long enlightened I-know-how-you-feel heart-to-hearts with these kids who are just getting STOMPED ON by their peers. What needs to happen is confrontation with the bullies, and the culture that enables their behavior -and blames or treats the victim exclusively. The victim isn't the problem.
It doesn't surprise me that kids can be bullies. It happens, that how kids are. What saddens me is the failure of adults to respond when they see this stuff going on. When I was at the plate trying to swing the bat at age 12, the other girls started jeering and hooting at me, and throwing things at my back. And these girls were on my team! I was stunned, didn't know what to do, just froze and missed the pitch - to the loud delight of my persecutors. The coach was a nice young guy who was obviously alarmed at what was going down. So he made a special effort as we were walking back to the parking lot, to engage me in conversation - he asked me about myself, and tried to comfort me in a vague way without actually referring to, or in any other way dealing with, what he'd just witnessed during the game. I mean I appreciated the head pats, but why the hell didn't he try to confront the bullies? He was a big guy, a tall 30-year old. Was he afraid of the kids himself? (sigh)
I agree with you totally, Kitten. I was bullied badly in 7th grade. I was a geek and more interested in books and such. Administration did nothing, aside from some talk. Towards the end of the school year, when I knew I was going to be in a Catholic school for 8th grade, I started hitting back. The worse bully of the bunch ended up with two black eyes and sobbing in the vice principal's office, while I sat there grinning like an idiot. The vice principal started lecturing me, but he just sat there sputtering when I asked him why he'd not done much about it.
I'm still of the opinion that many of the bullies in school need their arses kicked and hard. Only when they get a taste of their own medicine will they possibly stop. I know it's not a politically correct opinion, but I suspect that many of the adults who think that *talking* is the cure have never been the victim of bullies themselves. And giving the victims the same punishment of the bullies, when the victims try to defend themselves, is an absolute bunch of BS.
As a result of my experiences in junior high, I developed a sarcastic sense of humor that can be extremely vicious if need be. That usually stops most stuff before it goes any further. That and a truly mean look.
At my last job I was the victim of bullying by a manager (not my direct manager) and no one really did anything that had any effect for more than a short period of time. At the current job, I've got a good, supportive manager and the person in another department who has attempted to try some stuff with a member of my department (the most quiet, shy woman) was chewed out by both my manager and hers. One other manager, upon learning of what happened, told my manager that the person from the other department chose her victim carefully, as I would have ripped her a good one.
There are definitely advantages to being known as someone who doesn't stand for BS and definitely stands up for herself.
Good on you, Tradd! Yes, the great thing is that childhood is a temporary condition (thankfully) and as adults we have an increased repertoire of choices and possible reactions, and more power to defend ourselves. Experience has shown me that nobody dies, and the roof doesn't fall in, when I make a complaint or assert myself, and that increases my confidence. Some workplaces are beyond the pale as far as toxicity. I've left jobs like that. You can only do so much - a really toxic culture can only be altered from the top. But I think most people have more power to make things better for themselves than they realize.
Your description of the situation where the quiet person was targeted by the bully made my neck hairs rise up. That woman was SO me a few years ago. Some people are like sharks who can smell blood in the water - they get a sadistic pleasure out of messing with people they perceive as weak. And this is one area where what lhamo said above, that kids can be taught how to change their reactions to abusive situations, comes into play. Your reactions when you've been threatened at work really show that. Many jerks will back down when they're called on their actions, as you did. Congrats on your strategies!
Believe me, I know bullying -- I was a target for several years running in the small rural school district where I grew up. But the sad truth is that there is really not much adults can do about it. Adult intervention often just makes it go a bit more underground, and become more vicious. Running away is also not usually an option -- though in my case I eventually did change school districts (after an incredibly frustrating encounter with a district superintendent who had to sign off on my paperwork and who told me "well, if the problem is you you're taking it with you"). I wasn't bullied once in my new district, so I guess the problem was them... What allows bullying to continue in many cases is silence. The silence of the victim and the silence of the onlookers. So I still think that helping kids to express what is happening to them and come up with strategies for dealing with it is incredibly important. Not easy, and not always successful, but it can lead them to a better place.
lhamo
Simplemind
10-2-12, 11:49pm
"For me, I haven't been a saint. I have complained about him to my husband and my boss, and his hygiene is pretty overwhelmingly bad sometimes. So yes, I've made fun of him, both in my head and to my husband (who can't stand him). But I don't ever say anything negative about Garth to others at work."
So....... you don't say anything negative to others at work but you have complained about him to your boss. You make fun of him in your head and to your husband. I'm assuming you are under the impression that your feelings and the thought bubbles over your head are invisible to others. How could two people so blind to their own annoying habits see a flaw in you? You seemed to pump up the sparkle for an interview and your obvious attempt to impress drew mockery. It seems to be OK if the person who draws attention to social ineptitude is you. Not so OK if the shoe is on the other foot.
Nobody likes to be made to feel small. All of your stories are an attempt to keep those two small. Hierarchy be damned - be kind. You wouldn't be obsessing about the scenario if you didn't recognize the truth in it. Own it, stop putting them down and flattering yourself. Learn from it, let it go, be better, be kind.
ToomuchStuff
10-3-12, 12:35am
I agree with you totally, Kitten. I was bullied badly in 7th grade. I was a geek and more interested in books and such. Administration did nothing, aside from some talk. Towards the end of the school year, when I knew I was going to be in a Catholic school for 8th grade, I started hitting back. The worse bully of the bunch ended up with two black eyes and sobbing in the vice principal's office, while I sat there grinning like an idiot. The vice principal started lecturing me, but he just sat there sputtering when I asked him why he'd not done much about it.
That brings back memories. When I was fed up about it, and punched one censored (who had pulled a gun on me), I was the one who got in trouble. Yet close to the end of school, they released me from school, in part due to teacher fears (all kinds of bs rumors) and in part due to the school expecting a major lawsuit they knew they would lose (and hoping to mitigate it). They spent the next year working on changing the administration after me.
Thanks Simplemind. Look, you don't know me, so there's no way you would know this, but - I am actually a kind person. I love my husband, I adore kittens, I go nuts over babies, I knock myself out for my nieces and nephews, and though I dislike my two rude colleauges, I don't go home at night and practice voodoo on them or wish them any grievous bodily harm.
They do annoy the living $&$% out of me though.
You've got some good points - I agree it's inconsistent that I can make fun of people I dislike, but they have to worship me! That is nuts! ;)
FWIW - I have a lot of anger left over from old damage, and the strategies I evolved to survive as a child are probably no longer working well for me. I'm hypersensitive, vaguely paranoid, laugh at the wrong things, make a lot of mistakes. Becoming conscious of the sources of my issues has been a huge struggle, but I'm working with a good therapist and I have hope for some degree of change. There is always a new way to see things.
Update - after I confronted the male member of the Laff-a-Minit duo, he backed way down. His female friend has also been bending over backwards to make up for it with me. I'm still pleasant to both - I can see they feel bad about the whole thing, and as long as they feel crappy, I'm happy ;)
Oh, wait, I'm supposed to be kind. Blew it again! lol
"For me, I haven't been a saint. I have complained about him to my husband and my boss, and his hygiene is pretty overwhelmingly bad sometimes. So yes, I've made fun of him, both in my head and to my husband (who can't stand him). But I don't ever say anything negative about Garth to others at work."
So....... you don't say anything negative to others at work but you have complained about him to your boss. You make fun of him in your head and to your husband. I'm assuming you are under the impression that your feelings and the thought bubbles over your head are invisible to others. How could two people so blind to their own annoying habits see a flaw in you? You seemed to pump up the sparkle for an interview and your obvious attempt to impress drew mockery. It seems to be OK if the person who draws attention to social ineptitude is you. Not so OK if the shoe is on the other foot.
Nobody likes to be made to feel small. All of your stories are an attempt to keep those two small. Hierarchy be damned - be kind. You wouldn't be obsessing about the scenario if you didn't recognize the truth in it. Own it, stop putting them down and flattering yourself. Learn from it, let it go, be better, be kind.
Someone pulled a gun on you in school? And you were blamed when you defended yourself? OMG
Love how they're afraid of a lawsuit, but protecting the kids isn't even on their radar.
I'm so so so sick of adults who betray the children in their care. Very sad that this happened to you.
That brings back memories. When I was fed up about it, and punched one censored (who had pulled a gun on me), I was the one who got in trouble. Yet close to the end of school, they released me from school, in part due to teacher fears (all kinds of bs rumors) and in part due to the school expecting a major lawsuit they knew they would lose (and hoping to mitigate it). They spent the next year working on changing the administration after me.
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