View Full Version : How did/do you deal with aging parents?
I am having a very hard time with my Dad...he just turned 68 and has given up on life. In many ways he takes the measures to be healthy but at the same time, he does not know how to take care of himself. In the past two years he has started walking very stiffly, calculating each step as if he is walking on ice. He is very sedentary (computer, internet, and programming job) and does not take breaks or time to going walking. His world is very small: comes to see me, errands, toxic situation at home with my mom, and playing pool at the clubhouse.
He is starting to get arthritis, has not had a physical in about 25 years, last blood test was 4 years ago, has repetitive strain in his right shoulder/hand due to all the computer stuff and just plain out refuses to go to see any doctor. I work on him once a week (massage, trigger point therapy, stretching) and it is as if I never worked on him by the next week. I am at my wits end with this!
He also told me today that he is done with what he needed to do in this life and is just waiting for the end :confused: What do I do with this?! My mother is no help, my brother has stopped talking to him, and all of his family is in India and except for an email or two, there is no interaction. It is awful watching this happen and not being able to do anything about it!
ApatheticNoMore
9-27-12, 1:58pm
He's too young, too young to be letting go of this life and moving on. If he was in his 80s or 90s. Yea, a lot of old people are that way, they let go near the end, and it sucks to witness, but hey death also sucks (although some older people hang on vibrantly until near the last day). But in his case it sounds like depression.
There's very little you can do. He should probably at least be walking for exercise. It's obvious, mental and physical benefits. But you can't make people walk or do other exercise. You can only give advice which may go in one ear and out the other. "Maybe you should take walks dad, it has benefit x, y, z", "I think you are depresed, maybe you should see a therapist (or other helping profession)", "here's a video of Jack Lalanne and how healthy it is possible to be when you are older", "I think you need to find more social activities". Etc. etc. But that's advice, and you can keep pounding it and maybe a little might eventually sink in, but you know how near useless advice is to people who don't want to consider it, in one ear and out the other making no impact in transit.
He also told me today that he is done with what he needed to do in this life and is just waiting for the end What do I do with this?!
I think at that point, point blank, tell him you don't want him to die (not that he has to live for you or any such guilt trip, but merely the very direct: "I'll miss you"). I think that's the best you can do besides tossing out what may be mostly ignored advice, is to be a true friend to him. With boundaries if need be, I suspect often very necessary for adult kids to have some boundaries, he doesn't have to know every detail about your life, but if there are those you don't mind sharing do so, be a friend. Because he sounds lonely, and that's something you can directly help with just with your presence (of course he should seek out other social contact as well, but again that's the near useless giving advice thing, when maybe all you can give that sinks in is love, show it).
It is awful watching this happen and not being able to do anything about it!
citrine, I do feel for you in a situation like this one. It's hard to watch someone either make choices which can be seen as negative -- or to not make any choices at all.
Though I don't want to seem harsh or rude about the situation, when it comes down to it, your father is an adult and it is his life. He must want to initiate a change in his life if it is going to happen. All you can hope to do is provide an external stimulus that instills in him a desire for change. Is there some longtime dream of his that is (almost) within reach? Grandchildren he might like to get to know (better)? Even a trip back to India to visit? I know when topics like this come up in newspaper columns like Dear Abby and Ask Carolyn, the suggestion always is made that it might be a physical issue, but I don't know how successful you're going to be getting your father to a doctor if he won't go even with an RSI. Either there's some physical/emotional issue he does not want to face (denial) or it doesn't hurt enough yet.
There is a school of thought out there which believes we all are here to experience ourselves in various conditions and that physical death occurs when the soul had experienced all it cares to in its chosen situation. (I think that's a lot of what's behind "broken-heart syndrome", in which long-married couples both die in a very short period of time.) Your father may be at a similar point in his life. Do you feel comfortable establishing that with him during a bodywork session? It might help uncover what seems to be leaving him "stuck".
Good luck -- this is not easy.
It sounds as if there is no joy at all left in his life. Unless he finds it somehow, it would seem easier to give up and just wait. What used to give him joy, purpose? Maybe you can help him explore that?
He needs to be clinically assessed for depression. He may also be in pain. I am 57, and walk like that the first hour of each day till my joints warm up. I have osteoarthritis & and am often in pain. It's pretty demoralizing, and adds to one's desires to be sedentary, as it's hard to motivate when one is in pain.
Exercise is as good as meds for countering depression. I would strongly urge you to get him to a physician for a work up, and specifically tell the physician that your Dad is showing signs of depression. Is there asenior center in your area? Theyoften have amazing programs. He needs daily connection & perhaps meds to come back into life.
Here is some info:
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&template=/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=7515
I do agree that you should suggest to him that he may be depressed and offer to help him get examined and treated (as necessary) but after that, you have to allow him to keep his dignity in his old age by letting him live his life.
Yeah, it would be nice if he could live happily, healthily and productively into his 90's. But not everyone does. Some people just don't really care to hold on till the last possible moment but that doesn't mean we can understand it--we're not that old--how could we?
Tussiemussies
9-27-12, 5:01pm
Although I think it could be a good thing to point out all of his choices just to help him make the best choice for himself. In my spiritual study they say that as people age daily they must make a list of pleasurable things to do that day. Maybe feeling like he still has much to give to life by helping others would help him. I also agree with bunnys that it is not under your control and agree with the other poster, it oes sound like your Dad is in a deep depression.
All good wishes with this, I would imagine this is very hard for you to go through. Christine
Gardenarian
9-27-12, 5:14pm
Citrine - I was going to recommend massage until I got to your second paragraph! What a good daughter you are.
You say he does a lot of computer stuff - are there any sites that you could lead him to that might make him open up a bit? I've been using something called Moodscope (http://www.moodscope.com/login) that helps you to understand your moods. There is also RealAge (http://www.realage.com/) that helps you to see your health issues and offers advice. Maybe he would find it easier to help himself via technology rather than through a doctor?
I'm also wondering about this toxic home situation...
Best of luck.
I agree with much of what has already been said. I can understand a lot of the position you are in because I am a primary caretaker of my Gram ( she is in her 90's) for half the time. I live in the country but go to the city to stay with her about 3 weeks, then go home about 3 weeks, then back to Gram's and so it goes. I am basically giving up half of my life and am away from BayouBoy for weeks at a time because of this.
We do this because we don't have many other choices. She is financially stable but would not go to a retirement community or nursing home. We discussed that and she said " those places are full of old people and I hate old people! They bother the &%$& out of me!". Yes, she actually said that! We can't hire anyone to stay with her because she is such a picky, perfectionist that no one would put up with her. Nothing pleases her.
She has to micromanage the smallest details and complains about things that have nothing to do with her anyway. For instance she complains that gas prices are too high and they would be lower if all the _____ (insert derogatory word for women here) would stay home and take care of their houses instead of running the street. She drives me nuts as she obsesses about the most minute details, is infuriated the things that people do that, things that have nothing to do with her. I guess it is hard to be a hardcore, control freak, neat freak and ocd person when you no longer have the health that is required to live up to such standards.
But she is my Gram and I am trying my best to make her last few years as comfortable and pleasant as they can be but it isn't easy when she is so determined to be so displeased with everything. But she has always been that way and I just accept it and use her as an example of how NOT to be in life.
So that is where I am coming from so I can certainly empathize with you. It seems in your father case that he is experiencing some depression over his inability to do the things that he used to do. That can be a crushing realization to those who were once healthy, productive citizens. I experienced that myself when I had a major health crisis which limits me to this day. I had to adjust my expectations of myself and set realistic goals which is one reason why I have gone to a simpler life and gave up the fast past city life.
If possible, I think a trip back to India for him would be helpful. He would reconnect with people and see that they have aged, just as he has. Perhaps he feels alone in his issues so it would help him to have others in his life who are dealing with similar challenges. Does he like animals or have a pet? Would adopting a pet be a way to get him to be more interactive. Animal therapy can be a wonderful thing. Sometimes people can connect with animals in a way that they can't with humans. Pets require care and attention and can get him to be more active. If he had a dog to walk everyday, then it would get him out of the house and might even make acquaintances with others on his daily walks.
Does he have a church he attends? Do they offer any social activities for seniors? Would he be interested in working with a volunteer group? If he helps someone less fortunate than him, it can help boost his esteem.
Has he had hobbies in the past? A hobby can be a great creative and productive outlet.
I wish there was more that I could offer as a solution.
In my family people tend to run circles around everyone else and then keel over dead with no time to think about it.
Seems like your dad is spending years....thinking about it.
I hope there is a way for him to find some joy and interest in things....there is a lot of life left to live until you don't have any life left in you.
My dad at 70 is doing forestry work for the state (puts in about 4-6 bids a year on jobs) and then he's had his cabin building project and then there are all his hunting trips to plan and go on.
Giving up can be a very selfish thing and hurts more than just that person.
Maybe you can ask some questions about what he wanted his life to be when he was 5, 10, 20, etc... Maybe there is something in there that you can spark and get him interested in again.
Thanks everyone...
I have suggested going to the Doctor and that he might have Depression....he refuses to take any sort of medication. I have been able to get him to take Vitamin D during the winter months.
My parents refuse to get any animals....but when he is over my house, he loves to hang out with the cats.
Our culture really sucks....it promotes studying hard, getting a good job, taking care of the kids, take care of grandkids, and then die. There is no talk about hobbies or pursuing your passion. I have had such a hard time being myself and I know my Dad has never been able to understand why I jump around from one interest to another. His hobby is work, but his assignment now is part time and he has lots of hours to kill so he just stays home and surfs the internet and reads.
As for the toxic environment, neither of my parents think they have a problem...my mother resents him for ruining her life because her parents made her marry my dad. My dad thinks its her problem and he has fulfilled his part of the contract.
It is just so sad to watch this play out. I cannot imagine living with someone I hated! They have the money to get a divorce, split the assets and go their merry ways, but they refuse to and my dad does not want to give her half! And we keep going around in circles....
I will take him to the Senior Center and start our bi-weekly lunches again...maybe have him come over for some arts and crafts :)
Frugalifec
9-28-12, 1:23pm
I'm was/am in a similar situation with my parents, Mom is in her early 80's and Dad passed away not long ago. Maybe a good place to start is with what motivates him (grandkids?). Although that sounds like a short/ non existent list, if there was some way for him to see a reward in getting checked out, that might lead to finding a physical cause for his condition. With my Dad, he had severe dementia that was diagnosed as Parkinson's disease. It got so bad that we could not care for him at home (completely out of his mind, wandering off in 2 feet of snow at 3 in the morning while mom slept kind of thing). Once we got him in a rest home one of the staff (under paid and overworked) suggested getting him checked for a bladder infection. That was it and his quality of life dramatically improved. I say this not because I think that is your Dad's problem, but to support your idea of getting him checked out. Is there a way to plant a seed so that he comes up with the idea to get checked out? That seems to be the best way to get my Mom on board to a new idea.
After dealing with both parents who are now gone and a DH who retired early, may I suggest that you research and provide options for care activities and then step back and let them decide unless they become mentally incompetent or you are negatively impacted. They do have the right to make choices that neither you nor I might agree is best but it is their life.
Hard to watch though.
I am 67 and agree with those who have suggested he see a doctor for signs of depression. I have experienced it and that is what it sounds like to me.
I went with him yesterday to the senior center and we got the application to join. We also called the personal trainer and he has his first meeting with him on Tuesday. We had a really nice talk over lunch and he is willing to try these things and also to take some Vitamin D....not keen on going to the Doctor yet, but we are making progress.
Thank you all for sharing your experience...:)
Gardenarian
10-1-12, 3:16pm
Oh, a personal trainer is such a good idea! I have often thought that the elderly need a personal trainer more than anything - just someone to help them get up and go.
(And some of us not-so-elderly too!)
Citrine, it sounds, from what you've said, that this has been a long time building. And as with any long ingrained habits, changing isn't easy. My father is 16 years older then yours and is patiently sitting around the assisted living facility waiting to die. It's sad to witness, but at 83 I don't think I'm going to get him to take up new hobbies when he's never been a huge hobbiest and never exhibited the slightest interest in joining groups or organizations of any sort. But it's also understandable. Mom died 6 years ago. Their life together was the one thing he really lived for. And as his health has gotten more frail over the years since she passed away he's really just wound down. I can only imagine how hard it must be to watch someone much younger then my dad exhibiting similar symptoms.
All that said, though, the reality is that like Ramit from the site "I will teach you to be rich" points out, once you've said someone "should" do something the argument is lost. They have to actually "want" to do it. It sounds like you're on the right track in helping him, but ultimately it's his choice as an adult whether to follow through and make his own life better. And if he doesn't then try not to blame yourself. Really, the best you can do at that point is to resolve not to go down the same path yourself when you get to that age.
My dad went through a rough patch about 2-3 years ago that lasted until last year sometime. I think it was depression, now that I look at it.
This past year, they've done several things to change their habits (suggestions that I'd made some time earlier):
1. stop watching and listening to the news/news radio. I told them to only READ the news (using online newspaper subscriptions so that dad has another way to play with his iPad! LOL), and from there, only spend an hour or two a day with it. This made such a HUGE difference in their lives.
2. doing things that he loves -- my dad LOVES "young people." By that I mean - same as me, what i love and look for -- any bright person under the age of 30 who has that wild-eyed, wide-eyed promise who just wants a shot! Give the kid a shot! he loves to teach and to mentor. he works really hard, but his company created an opportunity for him . . . or rather, created an opportunity and he took it and ran with it. they wanted to encourage more people to work in the fields where they need scientists, so my dad goes to all kinds of student conferences, meets PhD candidates, and chats them up about certain specializations, provides them with his business card and information, points them in the right direction in terms of schooling, helps them with their thesis, and so on.
If your dad loves his work, perhaps this is a way that he can give back (if he would enjoy it).
3. My sister had a baby. I know that this is a bit crazy, but when we made the move to NZ, dad was already in the thick of his sadness/upset about his health, and then we were taking away his baby. he loves DS! It was hard on him. But my sister had a baby and they visit him once a month or so. And, they skype with DS and did come to visit him and have plans to come back and visit again!
So, he really feels that he has something to live for (i'm not saying you or anyone should have kids so that your dad has something to live for). But that's just how he feels now.
All of this meant that he started taking better care of his health all around. He's been doing amazing things for himself -- cleaning up his diet, taking vitamins and supplements, making goals to get off certain medications, doing physical therapy and getting massage, and even got me doing some yoga videos for him (especially for him!).
So, it might pass as well.
BayouGirl
10-1-12, 11:32pm
I hope your dad can find something that will spark his interest and give him a joyful purpose in life or something that give him satisfaction or a sense of accomplishment. My inlaws are in their 70's as he still works each day and she is a whirlwind of cooking, caring for farm animals, milking the goat, making goat cheese and other goodies. She truly puts me to shame with her activity level.
If I might be allowed to vent for a moment about my own issues with my 92 year old gram. I spend weeks with her alone as her only caretaker. She can get up and around and will do a little cooking a cleaning. She is a cleaning fanatic so she stresses over things that no one else would notice. She spent an hour on the back porch today freaking about a miniscule puddle that she would sweep away and would reappear (it has rained 3 days in a row).
Louisiana is notoriously below sea level anyway so it was simply water finding forming at a low point in a space maybe 2 x 2 inches and 1/16 of a inch deep. She was freaking and ready to call the plumber to dig up her foundation over it. To me it was of no consequence and simply a result of 3 days of rain. But she battled it and obsessed over it for over an hour. She is like this over everything! Leaves that fall, neighbors yards, the fact that people have birthday parties for kids, that women don't stay home, etc. Nothing makes her happy, she has a joyless life and seems intent on being a miserable martyr who makes herself miserable. Only she can do things right. I don't bother to try to cook for her because it would not meet her standards.
It's just sad to see someone who is so intent on a life of misery. She is not happy unless she has something to complain about. I have so much less than her and yet feel I am so blessed for what I have. I am so thankful for my ability to be so thankful. Anyway, sorry to hijack the topic, I just needed to vent and don;t expect an advice as there is nothing that would change her. It would just be like trying to teach a pig to whistle. When you try to teach a pig to whistle it:
1) doesn't work
2) it wastes your time and
3) it just pizzes of the pig.
Ok, my rant is over. Back to relevant topics.
Wildflower
10-2-12, 2:57am
BayouGirl, my Mother was like that. She obsessed about every little thing, was never happy and always complaining. After seeing doctors it was found that she had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Medication made her life much happier towards the end. She had been so stressed with her OCD and everything not being right in her mind, that she couldn't enjoy anything in life.... I don't know if that is your Gram's problem or just her personality. But the way you described her sounded just like my Mom. Especially the puddle story!
Citrine, my elderly Uncle had really lost his zest for life and it was found through a doctor visit that he was suffering low testosterone. He is doing much better now after the doctor got it back to a more normal level. Alot of older men have this problem and can be mistaken for depression. Really without a doctor visit you won't know what is truly going on with your Dad, but I also know what it's like to get a stubborn person to go to the doctor that doesn't want to! Good luck!
Yes, the Doctor thing is a big thing! The PT is coming today and I am very excited about that. OTOH, my mother is a lunatic and is creating all sorts of crap and stuff and sounds a lot like your grandmother BayouGirl! I am trying to take it easy, our wedding is in 11 days and with all of that planning and now my parents, I am about to lose my mind!
BayouGirl, my Mother was like that. She obsessed about every little thing, was never happy and always complaining. After seeing doctors it was found that she had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Medication made her life much happier towards the end.
As I was reading BG's description of her mother's behavior, I immediately thought of OCD (we have a family member who has it and is under treatment). BG, don't face this alone. See if your mother will ask her health-care provider about it. If she's not willing, you might want to call that provider and explain the symptoms. They may be able to find a way to work through the situation.
BayouGirl
10-5-12, 11:21pm
Thanks Wildflower, Stevie and others,
I have long known that she has severe OCD with many other controlling factors. At 92, we are not about to change her. All we can do is accept her as she is and adapt our lives to help her. Luckily I am self employed and have a flexible schedule to be able to be with her.
Grams oldest daughter (my mother who is in her 70's) is very manipulative, conniving, scheming and not above committing a crime to get her own way while blaming someone else. My mother wants to orchestrate this whole situation with herself in control of the money, property and decisions (there are 2 other daughters also). My older sister is just like my mom and gram.
I only wish see my grandmother live her life out as peacefully as possible which is why I spend a few weeks here and a few weeks at home. I stay out of the money fights, the possessions fights and all of that stuff. I don't need any of that stuff or the karma related to it.
I am so unlike all of them and so thankful to be that way. They fight for control. money, power, whatever, forever, while I am happily in my tiny home in the boonies with the ones I loves many miles away.
Nothing to add to this thread other than to say I am witnessing the same lack of zest for living in my formerly always-active father, now 72. He has some chronic health issues but they are under control according to his recent check-up. It makes me sad, especially since my parents live 2000 miles from me and there's not much I can do on a regular basis, other than call or email them. Please keep the tips coming, those of you who have already been through this!
We're dealing with aging parent issues on both sides of our family.
My MIL has been struggling for about 3 years now. Diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago, but now it looks more like Parkinsons, or Parkinsons Syndrome (I need to figure out what the difference is). There is depression and anxiety involved as well, but probably more a symptom of the Parkinsons rather than an underlying cause. She has been to multiple doctors in both her hometown and Beijing as we tried to confirm the diagnosis and get appropriate treatment going. My husband finally managed to accompany her to a doctor she had seen before in her hometown a couple of days ago. Medication was adjusted and I think there is a commitment to continue seeing this person regularly (that is a challenge in China -- no such thing as a family doctor and you often just get whoever is in the clinic on whatever day/time you go in -- horrible in terms of continuity of care but no one seems to bat an eye at it here. aaaaghh.....). Anyway, hopeful that this will at least help us to stabilize things on the treatment side, but concerned about how she/we are going to manage it long term. DH does have 3 sisters who live in the same town and MIL, and they have been helping, but they have a different attitude/approach to medical care than we do and it hasn't been effective.
On my side of the family, my mom has had some issues lately -- most notably a car accident, no injuries but she was clearly at fault. She has agreed to give up driving, and we have started talking about long term planning. She lives in a very rural area, but thankfully my sister lives next door, and my brother is also willing to help out with driving her to errands, appointments, etc. But I think the consensus is that eventually both mom and my sister will likely move into town. Something they both seem to want at this point, though not immediately. Nice thing has been that even though this has financial implications for my brother down the road (plan was for him to inherit the house as my sister and I got property earlier), he has been great about being supportive of whatever she wants/needs to do.
In general I feel incredibly blessed that there is so much unity and consensus on both sides of my family that what we need to do here is support our aging parents as best we can as they struggle with the challenges of aging. It is still early, and lots can happen, but I am so grateful to have a loving, caring, sensitive family on both sides that have their priorities in order.
lhamo
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