Feeling Guilt...

[decemberlov]

DH and I went to a friends house last night. I was helping my friend put her daughter to bed and when she was picking her clothes out for the next morning I noticed the this little girls closet was PACKED with clothes. I mean over flowing almost all of them with new tags on them. I'm really not exaggerating there had to be over 100 outfits for this little girl...dresses with matching hats and tights and a different pair of shoes for each outfit. I have to admit I was a little jealous and started feeling really down...I started thinking maybe I'm not such a great mom and maybe I'm depriving my girls. They don't have 1/3 the amount of clothes she has....even the 2 of my girls clothes combined. Later after we walked out of the room DH asked me what was wrong...I guess it was written all over my face that I was a little upset.

I guess I'm just writing this to try and figure out my feelings. I'm not a materialistic person...but if I'm not why was I feeling this way :(
Why was this making me feel like I'm not so good to my kids...I know this isn't true but it was hard to push these feelings aside.
Has anyone ever felt guilt for not having more than your kids need...even just for a brief second?

[Float On]

That kind of feeling hit me when I couldn't afford all the classes and clubs and music lessons other's friends children were doing.

[Mrs-M]

No, Decemberlov, what you should feel is "sorry for". Having a department store wardrobe at ones disposal, never mind a kid, at that, is wrong, and nothing about that sort of upbringing or parenting style reflects love. IMO it reflects excess and spoilage, and we all know where and how spoilage ends up. Shame on the mom.

[decemberlov]

That kind of feeling hit me when I couldn't afford all the classes and clubs and music lessons other's friends children were doing.

I know just what you mean Float On...I'm sorry you had to feel this. It's not easy. But good to know I'm not the only one.



No, Decemberlov, what you should feel is "sorry for". Having a department store wardrobe at ones disposal, never mind a kid, at that, is wrong, and nothing about that sort of upbringing or parenting style reflects love. IMO it reflects excess and spoilage, and we all know where and how spoilage ends up. Shame on the mom.

I know all this in my heart to be true, Mrs M. Thank you. I also have to admit I feel a little angry at the fact that she doesn't even have a job and DH and I both work so hard to provide the little bit that we can. I never told DH what I was upset about because I was actually so embarrassed by my feelings :(

[puglogic]

decemberlov, is there any possibility some/most of the clothes might have been gifts from well-meaning in-laws? Just wondering. I have a lot of things with tags, all from my mother-in-law, all awful.

In any case, I know a lot of wonderful adult humans, and not one of them says "You know why I turned out so loving/compassionate/solid/smart? Because my parents crammed my closet full of new clothes and shoes."

(on the contrary, some of the not-so-wonderful humans I know did, in fact, have this kind of upbringing)

In addition to the basic needs of food, shelter, and staying warm, children need love, understanding, creativity, patience, and someone to listen to them. You give all of that to your kids. Hugs to you for feeling bad -- but no need to feel bad, OR embarrassed by your feelings! You are doing the best you can, and other peoples' choices are meaningless.

[decemberlov]

decemberlov, is there any possibility some/most of the clothes might have been gifts from well-meaning in-laws? Just wondering. I have a lot of things with tags, all from my mother-in-law, all awful.

In any case, I know a lot of wonderful adult humans, and not one of them says "You know why I turned out so loving/compassionate/solid/smart? Because my parents crammed my closet full of new clothes and shoes."

(on the contrary, some of the not-so-wonderful humans I know did, in fact, have this kind of upbringing)

In addition to the basic needs of food, shelter, and staying warm, children need love, understanding, creativity, patience, and someone to listen to them. You give all of that to your kids. Hugs to you for feeling bad -- but no need to feel bad, OR embarrassed by your feelings! You are doing the best you can, and other peoples' choices are meaningless.

Unfortunately not..she proceeded to tell me each store they came from and what they cost etc....but you are so right, other peoples choices are meaningless.

Thank you for your kind words :)

[Mrs-M]

Originally posted by Puglogic.
is there any possibility some/most of the clothes might have been gifts from well-meaning in-laws? Just wondering. I have a lot of things with tags, all from my mother-in-law, all awful.The same thought crossed my mind, too, but then I reflected on my own family, and how I would say to family (outside family), "no, he/she already has enough of that or several of those, they don't need more, or they don't need that".

[Mrs-M]

Decemberlov. Listen to your heart. :)

[JaneV2.0]

This is a friend? You seem pretty critical of her.

[Mrs-M]

Originally posted by JaneV2.0.
This is a friend? You seem pretty critical of her.I didn't pick-up on that. I believe when simplicity, plays a strong role in the way people live (and think), it's easy to look at certain things from a different angle, and this is such the case in this particular circumstance IMO. I think Decemberlov, was just putting her thoughts out there, and I think her thoughts are justified.

[puglogic]

Unfortunately not..she proceeded to tell me each store they came from and what they cost etc....but you are so right, other peoples choices are meaningless.

Thank you for your kind words :)

Well, if she's a nice person and a good supportive friend in other ways....what the heck.

Hugs to you!!!

[Mighty Frugal]

I think children will not remember all the new clothes on their backs but rather all the pats on their back and hugs

[Kat]

Just wanted to chime in and say I understand. I struggle with things like this, too. Over the past year, many of our friends moved into bigger, nicer houses. One day, I brought a housewarming gift to one, and he mentioned how much "happier" his kids were in the new house. Oh, I know it sounds ridiculous now, but I was almost in tears on the drive home, wondering if I was a good enough parent, if my daughter would be happier in a bigger, nicer house than ours, etc. In time, I realized that the choices we have made reflect the values of our family, and it's okay that if we don't "keep up" with everyone else. I am truly happy for our friends and their large, beautiful homes. They are a dream come true for them. I am happy, too, that I can stay in my older, smaller home. It allows us to work less and spend tons of time with our daughter--which is a dream come true for us. :-)

And yes, my daughter is plenty happy in a smaller home. :-)

Edited for typos

[decemberlov]

This is a friend? You seem pretty critical of her.

I didn't want to come off as being critical of her. I was just trying to reflect on my feelings and what that situation brought up in me.
Everyone is entitled to live their lives as they please.

[decemberlov]

I think children will not remember all the new clothes on their backs but rather all the pats on their back and hugs

well said Mighty Frugal :)

[sweetana3]

Sometimes these situations are about deep personal feelings about one's past life. I know a lot of what I do and have is because of how I was raised. I still hate shopping for clothes due to critical comments made when I was very young and we were doing our once a year shopping trip.

The sometimes feelings of envy or want or sadness are pretty normal. The important part is to return to the feeling that your life really is ok and your decisions were made for your own reasons.

I live with more thoughts of the future's needs so I can feel secure in the today. Others discount the future and live only for today. To each their own.

[JaneV2.0]

Sometimes these situations are about deep personal feelings about one's past life. I know a lot of what I do and have is because of how I was raised. I still hate shopping for clothes due to critical comments made when I was very young and we were doing our once a year shopping trip. ... .

There's truth in that. I had a frugal mother who didn't see much point in buying me a lot of clothes and I still remember my senior year having a job and finally getting to buy clothing that I actually liked. I got to pick them out myself! Red Italian leather shoes! To this day, I have more clothes than I will ever wear. I still enjoy shopping. And I make no apologies.

[decemberlov]

Sometimes these situations are about deep personal feelings about one's past life. I know a lot of what I do and have is because of how I was raised. I still hate shopping for clothes due to critical comments made when I was very young and we were doing our once a year shopping trip.

The sometimes feelings of envy or want or sadness are pretty normal. The important part is to return to the feeling that your life really is ok and your decisions were made for your own reasons.

I live with more thoughts of the future's needs so I can feel secure in the today. Others discount the future and live only for today. To each their own.

I think you're absolutely right about this. The more I think about it I believe this came from my childhood feelings....I grew up not having much at all and I sometimes felt ashamed because of it. At one point in my life I swore that I would never let me children grow up like that and would give them everything. After having children of my own I then realized how difficult and expensive it is to raise children and felt even more respect and admiration for what my mother went through raising us. She was and is an incredibly loving mother and with maturity I realize that love is way more important than material things. I think this brought up that feeling of shame that I wasn't providing my children with enough material things....something I haven't felt in a very long time and very much caught me off guard.

My friend grew up in a similar situation and I believe that this must be her way of dealing with things...by buying her daughter mass amounts of clothes. Not to say that this is wrong...it's just not right for me.

[iris lily]

Well, speaking of bigger, nicer homes: both my brother and I yearn for the big Victorian house we had to give up when I was 20 and he was 12. We dream about it. We talk about both of us buying it back. We have yearnings for it as well as the Victorian that came before it. (We moved from there to a stupid little 60's ranch. My parents became tired of the constant maintenance of a big old barn. Imagine that!)

But in the end, we are both fine. I went off to live my adult life as a building hugger, embracing my wonderful Victorian neighborhood where we now live. I love these houses like a Tiger Mom. Threaten these places or any other (especially the tiny Victorian houses) and I will hunt you down! No I am not scarred by being pulled kicking and screaming from my beloved childhood house! haha.

Now seriously, it's normal to feel as though you are depriving your children of stuff whan you really ARE depriving them of stuff. But it is all relative. The kids who appear to have it all compare themselves to another group that has a whole lot more. And on and on. I think tha tthe real trick in parenting in the realm is to figure out wha tis REALY important to your child and get him one of those. Or one set of lessons. Or one--whatever. A whole wardrobe of them isn't the necessary deal.

[Kat]

I think you're absolutely right about this. The more I think about it I believe this came from my childhood feelings....I grew up not having much at all and I sometimes felt ashamed because of it. At one point in my life I swore that I would never let me children grow up like that and would give them everything. After having children of my own I then realized how difficult and expensive it is to raise children and felt even more respect and admiration for what my mother went through raising us. She was and is an incredibly loving mother and with maturity I realize that love is way more important than material things. I think this brought up that feeling of shame that I wasn't providing my children with enough material things....something I haven't felt in a very long time and very much caught me off guard.



+1

I, too, grew up without a lot and, at times, didn't have running water or enough food to eat. It was a difficult time in my life, and I swore my children would have everything, too! But then I married a man who had everything a kid could ever want growing up--except time and attention from his parents. He is still recovering from that. So I think, at least for us, it's a balance. We've decided we want to meet our child's needs and some of her wants (whatever is most important to her). We don't want to spoil her with material things...but we do want to "spoil her" with our time and attention. Oh, and a great education. :) Staying in a smaller, older house allows us to do that. Again, it just comes down to the decisions we each make for our families, what our values and priorities are and what we can manage given our circumstances.

Oh, and Iris--I LOVE houses like that, too! Such beauty! :-)

[ApatheticNoMore]

Are your girls even asking for more clothes? Do they even want more clothes? That seems to me one important input to take into account. Not that kids should get everything they want but if one can afford it's probably best to have a way for them to get some of what they want (even if they have to work an allowance for it). I get the feeling they may not even care and you are just guilting yourself over nothing.


I think children will not remember all the new clothes on their backs but rather all the pats on their back and hugs

I remember being ridiculed for my clothes because my parents were too cheap (not poor, cheap!) to buy me clothes that the kids considered fashionable. There weren't many pats on the back either, on rare hugs. I remember all right .... in therapy. Haha, but it is mostly in therapy, and only rarely flares into unexpected rage, because it's been very well therapized by now. Probably is part of why I still shop the department store rather than the goodwill for clothes (got scars man!), but my clothing collection is modest and my income manages and I get other things at thrifts.

[Square Peg]

I got to the part where she was laying out the outfit for the next day and immediately started feeling guilty. lol
I get this, I really do. I am in graduate school and my oldest is in high school. I feel pretty down about it some days, but they don't, so I remind myself of that. I also felt a lot of stigma surrounding relative deprivation growing up, so I know I am projecting some of my own baggage on the situation.
When I was in high school, my parents got in an accident and the car was totaled. Dad was rebuilding one (classic Mercedes) and didn't want to buy an interim car, so for about 6 months, our transportation was a 35 foot motor home. This was mortifying to me!
Right now, our car is a minivan with bright orange duct tape holding the window in place. I went to pick my oldest from a school function and thought about how the embarrassing car wasn't even on his radar. Such different priorities than when I was that age.