How do you let go of someone?

[studentofecology]

That title makes it sound like I still like this person. The fact is, she used to be a friend, but she decided to take advantage of us, and has been in general, immature, selfish, careless of others, self important, and I'm a complex mixture of being really angry at her, really hurt, and hating that I'm so angry at her and wishing that we could be at least amicable again.

How do you stop being angry at some one? How do you let go of caring about a person?

[Tussiemussies]

Hi studentofecology, have also been through some very trying times with certain people that left me with a lot of emotional pain. Therapists will tell you to sit with the feeling and it will dissipate, but that didn't happen for me, it just got worse and worse. What I have done is not be around those people anymore and have completely stopped talking about it and thinking about it. It just got to the point in my life that the way I felt was ruining my life and this was the only way to get on with it.

I can see these people now once in a while but don't have the same feeling toward them and clearly see that what I saw in them was true...

Good luck in finding a way that works for you!

[redfox]

In my life, what I've had a hard time lettng go of in similar circumstances is my attachment to a particular imagined outcome. I call it the story I tell about the person or situation. Drop the story, and see what's left.

[gimmethesimplelife]

I have had to let a few people go over the years and what seems to work for me is when it feels too much like work to maintain having someone in my life as a friend - this is a sign. When I have to monitor what I say constantly, when I feel like I am walking on eggshells around someone too often - these are signs. So how do you do it? I guess I have been lucky in a sense as one time the other person made the choice to move on, and last time the person involved went off on me on Facebook - I had drifted away and felt bad so sent them a friend request on Facebook - and after that it was very easy to unfriend and move on. Another sign btw - feeling used. Also feeling walls go up. So many gut feelings and red flags - it is almost like in some of these situations I wanted to be hurt, as why did I ignore the red flags and gut feelings? I'm 45 now and one thing I have learned - to listen to and respect the gut and also heed red flags. For me doing so is taking care of myself, and to answer your question, how do you stop caring for someone, how do you stop being angry? If things have gotten to this point for me, it is about my mental/spiritual/emotional health - I have to factor that in, and once I do, it is easier (for me, anyway) to let go. Hope this helps. Rob

[Rosemary]

In my experience, things will fade but it will take well over a year, maybe more like two years. If there are things that trigger memories of that person it helps to remove them from your immediate surroundings, drive different routes, etc. I agree with Rob on this - it is an aspect of self-care to let go of relationships that are harmful.

[Mrs-M]

I view life from the standpoint of, "life is a learning experience, and what we learn, take, and carry with us over the course of our lifetime, is that of lesson and education".

People, friends, acquaintances, come and go in our lives, and depending on the connection we make with them, controls whether or not friendships and relationships successfully forge ahead. As in the case of the friend in question, recognizing the many negatives involved and how she adversely affected you, should be valued with conviction.

It can be difficult (at first) when letting go, however, such life's learning experiences, have a way of reiterating how important it is to hold onto those around you who do you good, and letting go of those around who who don't.

The old saying, "what goes around- comes around", does hold a lot of truth, and what your friend may be missing now in relation to the damage she has done, may not register immediately, but sometime (down the road) in her life, she will surely realize what she did and what she lost, which will serve as a price.

My best advice to you, move on and let it go. Pain has a way of mending itself, and as for time, that, too, works in comforting ways to help heal and soothe.

True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare...
False friends are like Autumn leaves, found everywhere.

The above saying taken from a collector plate my mom has had hanging in her kitchen for decades.

[ToomuchStuff]

How do you stop being angry at some one? How do you let go of caring about a person?


Become a sociopath. I am not sure how one goes from caring to alexithymia, but caring about yourself enough to get away, could at best, make you apathetic towards that person.
Time seems to be the biggest helper, put some between you.

[SimplyL]

I've been in this situation and found that with this type of personality (as you've described them to have) tapering off and making yourself unavailable is a help. If you've already determined that A) it's unlikely if lay out to them your frustrations, that they'll understand B) You find after being around or even talking/corresponding with them, that you feel completely drained, stressed.. just make yourself unavailable. As you find other things that are filling your world in a more productive and beautiful way, feeding your soul by spending time with people that you feel uplifted being around, that you can give to without feeling like they're taking (in a negative way).. you will (I promise) dwell on this individual less and less.

And with the ending of a relationship that was once close, it can take time. It took about a year for me. I saw the individual in passing, we did not even acknowledge one another. It was like she was another face in the crowd. I wish her well, however, I felt no emotion whatsoever about seeing her. There's nothing wrong with that.

There was never an arguement or even disagreement. It just got to the point where I realized that she (and a few others that all got together in a group), just were in a different place from me. Rather than offend by laying it all out there (some of the really inconsiderate things that they did and the fact that they were such an energy drain for me... and not in a way where a friend is going through something and you're there to help them through it. This was an every day for several years - just the way they were.. grumpy, petty, yet the things that they did find humorous, I thought were rude. I choose to just move on and remove myself from the one friend that I was close(r) to and the rest of the group. They all seem to have been made for one another, so my absence shouldn't have caused any missteps. I'm sure they could recruit a new 'member' with little issue. ;)

No regrets.

[SteveinMN]

One of the lessons in life I learned from my divorce (reinforced by other material or behavioral "commitments") is that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. As long as you have an active emotional reaction to this person and the situations (s)he brings into your life, there won't be enough separation.

Do what you have to to establish the distance you need from this person and the drama. If it means not responding to phone calls or text messages or emails, so be it. If it means changing churches or some of your social circle, it's tough, but if it goes that deep, it just does. Don't feel compelled to respond as you expect others to have you respond. Only you and this other person know the true dynamics of your relationship and, really, only you know what you need to move beyond it. Time helps. Distance helps. Your attitude that you deserve better than this helps.

[Fawn]

1) How do you stop being angry at someone? Review how what happened is different from what you expected. (Kind of like redfox's evaluating the story you are telling) Usually we expect someone to behave in a certain way because it is the social norm, or they took a vow or everybody in our circle does things that way....Review what part, if any, you had in creating that situation. Usually, to feel taken advantage of you have to give something. Was it wrong to give something to this person? It would be a mistaken way to live to not give to anybody. But for people who already feel entitled, giving to them just creates cycles of frustration. Forgive yourself for not knowing better. "Healing comes from gathering wisdom from past actions and letting go of the pain that the education cost you."--Carolyn Myss

2) How do you let go of caring about someone? Putting time and distance between you and them works. If you have to interact with this person, having another person in the room helps everybody behave better, I think. (I have found that to be true with ex-husbands and c0-workers.) But if it is someone that you do not have to interact with, I would just cut them out of my live, the decrease in caring follows.

Best of luck to you.

[Gardenarian]

First, (((hugs)))), and remember all the good people who care about you.

I agree that often time is the best medicine.

It is also helpful to try and banish thoughts of her from your mind; whenever you find yourself dwelling on her, swiftly move your mind to another subject. It's a bit easier if you have practiced some meditation techniques. You may have to physically remind yourself (gently pinch yourself) and say to yourself "I am not letting this toxic person occupy my mind." This helps to stop the emotions around her from building up and artificially extending their life.

I had a neighbor who I considered a friend until she said something really vicious to me one day - and I later found that she was spreading rumors and talking about me behind my back. I was so hurt, but it was a good lesson in learning to let go. (This was about a political difference - I thought we could agree to disagree, but she clearly did not.)

[bunnys]

Redfox--good point about dropping the story.

Rosemary--I've just recently literally changed my driving route and also where the places I visit at work (as I am currently going through this situation with a co-worker.)

I also think Rob's point about not feeling required to respond to contacts is very smart.

I think this is a tough problem. I don't know if Toomuchstuff is being flippant or serious but sometimes I do think it is important to be more discerning (less open) in the beginning so as to avoid these situations to begin with. In the situation I'm dealing with now, it's been ongoing for nearly 5 years and I can honestly say I wish I'd never gotten involved with this person as I regret the entire process. Generally, it's been a drag. But that's how it is sometimes.

I recently heard something from Oprah (channeling Maya Angelou--for at least part of it.)

"When someone shows you what they are, believe them" and "how many people are in your life now because of their potential?" I think those quotes directly connect to Redfox's original "drop the story" line.

[ToomuchStuff]

I think this is a tough problem. I don't know if Toomuchstuff is being flippant or serious but sometimes I do think it is important to be more discerning (less open) in the beginning so as to avoid these situations to begin with.


A bit of both. I don't view it as a good thing to be a sociopath. And I believe if one gets to the point of indifference right away, there are much bigger issues. Walking away, distancing oneself is a good thing, and can eventually lead to indifference towards a person. (that is a different matter)

[catherine]

I think sometimes if you try to understand that your anger may be based on wrong assumptions, or simply perceptions that are not true, that allows you to give them the benefit of the doubt and let them make their own choices. It detaches you from your judgement of them. Also, if you're angry with them, but in a concerned way, perhaps that's a form of mourning. You are angry because you can't change them, perhaps. You are angry at the inevitable loss of a relationship you once valued, and that's what's hard to let go of.

So if you could thank God for the relationship you had in the past and realized that she was there for you at that time, and then allow that person to live their own lives (because you can't control them), maybe it will help you to move on? I don't know, I'm just suggesting.