Friends growing apart?

[Diamond_]

Hiya
Let me tell you about my situation first: I'm a student at university, I'm 22 (please no comments about how I'm "old" for university, in my country this is perfectly normal). My university is in a totally different part of the country. I have a couple of friends at uni but we don't really hang out after classes since they all know people outside school and I don't. I have 4 good friends in my hometown that I have since highschool. Some of them are closer than others but that's normal. However, they all have a serious relationship, living together or planning to. They all have jobs now so they can't just "go out and party every weekend", I get that. I'm calming down lately, as in I don't need to go to clubs every weekend. But I like meeting up with my friends in the weekend.
So one of them I considered my best friend, we went out every weekend and talked a lot, almost every day. But something happened that made her and her boyfriend so they hang out every day. She also has a job now. I live near my university 5 days a week. So I'm home in the weekends. Since we came back from our trip, I can count on my one hand the times I've seen her. I wanted to go out tonight, but her boyfriend didn't wanna go. So she's not going. So I don't have another friend to go out and I'm not going out clubbing on my own. My other friends aren't into clubbing.
It's not the clubbing that bothers me. Just the fact that all my friends are moving on and getting a serious life and I'm...left behind. I don't have a boyfriend, don't have a job and I just go to school.
I miss my best friend, I mean. She'd rather stay in and play poker with her boyfriend (I told her I didn't fancy poker tonight). So then I'm thinking: you see him every week, I can only meet up during the weekends and still she prefers hanging out with him than me? Because that's how it feels.
It's like: the friends that I have don't have time for me anymore or just don't wanna hang out with me, and I don't have many friends so I can't go out anymore. Makes me feel kinda lonely and abnormal :s

[SteveinMN]

Diamond_ , first, welcome to the Simple Living Forums!

I'm sure other people here will post in response. My reaction (from the viewpoint of being more than twice your age and having gone to university quite far away from where I lived) is that this is not uncommon behavior among people your age. Your friends in serious relationships are experiencing something that may be very new to them, so they may be consumed with spending time with that new person, learning more about them, meeting their friends, and so on. It also may be that the persons your friends are with don't like to do the kinds of things you did with your friends, so there may be some negotiation in what is done and when it is done. And, don't forget, these people at home now have day jobs that occupy most of their waking hours.

At university, you are experiencing a very different environment. One of the best parts about going to university is to experience different people and different lifestyles. I know that is not as comfortable as being with old friends, but you have a chance to explore the kinds of activities and subjects that your friends back home were never interested in. I know when I started university, I was half a country away from where I grew up and I did not have much in common with my dorm roommate or his friends. So I looked around the dining room and picked different people with whom I ate lunch or dinner. Some of them were really cute girls. :) Some of them were international students, who naturally gravitated to each other because they also were not like most of the other students. I got a great introduction to what it really was like to live outside the U.S. -- something I had no experience with at that point in my life. And it was just one meal -- if we hit it off, we could look for each other again in the dining room. If not, it's not like we had committed to each other for the whole year.

I guess the short form of what I'm saying is that you have an opportunity to meet new people and make new friendships. Try it on! If the new friendships don't work out, you're not any more lonely than you are now. In the meantime, your home friends will either miss you or they will move on to new experiences and new friends. As sad as it is, it's a very common part of life. But some of the best friends I've ever had in my life came even after university. It does get better.

[Diamond_]

I hope it'll get better. I just feel like it's just me. Other people my age don't have this. They still have some friends from college and friends of their boyfriend. I don't have that.

[Jilly]

It is not you. This is just one of the times when people develop other interests and relationships. It sounds like your friends are simply moving a bit earlier and faster than you are. And, this is not the last time you will outgrow the people in your life or they outgrow you. It is what happens.

It is not fair to compare your situation with that of others who seem to be holding onto their former friends. It will get better, but in the meantime it really is fine to feel the loss, kind of like any other grieving. Just remember to be gentle with yourself, yes?


I guess the short form of what I'm saying is that you have an opportunity to meet new people and make new friendships. Try it on! If the new friendships don't work out, you're not any more lonely than you are now. In the meantime, your home friends will either miss you or they will move on to new experiences and new friends. As sad as it is, it's a very common part of life. But some of the best friends I've ever had in my life came even after university. It does get better.

That is some of the best advice you will ever receive.

[Blackdog Lin]

Yeah, nothing we can say can make it hurt less - but it's just life, you know? You're young and have a marvelous life ahead of you and you will move on and you will make other friends in due course and some of them just might be better friends, friends for life.

My "best friend" from high school didn't stand the test of time even through our college years - we just went in different directions, I guess. I thought we would be friends for life. But in my "early married and first real jobs" phase of life, I met the woman I would love the rest of my life. My best friend forever. The friend I would lay down my life for if she asked it - and she would for me. The woman I would marry if we were gay, but we're not. :) We've been best friends now for 30+ years.

I'm just saying it's early yet, and you have many more years and possibilities to find good, really good, friends.

[lhamo]

I also agree that this is very common in that age. A similar thing tends to happen when some young couples who are friends start to have kids, and others don't -- sometimes you can still continue to hang out and have fun, but in many cases interests and priorities become radically different and it just becomes harder to find time and energy to spend with someone whose interests don't match yours.

If your friend's new partner really doesn't like the club scene, I can see how she would decline to join you. He might see her going out without him as something really threatening/scary. Even if she has no intention of meeting someone else, the possibility is always there and when you throw alcohol into the mix things can get complicated.

I would try to find a way not to continue to live in disappointment. Have you talked with your friend about this? I would try to do so in a non-threatening way. Just something like, "Hey, I'm kind of sad that we don't seem to get much chance to hang out anymore. I understand you may not like to do the stuff we used to when you were single -- are there OTHER things we can do together so that we can continue to be close friends?" Depending on the answer to that, you will have an idea if she is just struggling with the whole tension over the clubbing focus or if she's really pulling away. The reality may be that the boyfriend doesn't like you for some reason (maybe because of the clubbing as threat factor?). Or that she's afraid that he MIGHT like you. Sucks, but better to deal with the situation now in a proactive way than keep sulking and suffering.

You say you see other people who aren't like this with their friends. Can you start hanging out with them?

Good luck. Transitions can be hard on friendships, but really good friends are there for a lifetime.


lhamo

[creaker]

Another vote that it's just very common at that age - people are growing in their own directions, sometimes they grow apart. That you are a student at a university and your friends aren't shows you're growing in a direction of your own. If you aren't making new friends, you lose opportunities to get closer to anyone new.

It is a bit of a shift, though, making new friends as an adult. I don't think it's as easy. But it's definitely worth working through.

[razz]

You are wise to see what is happening and try to understand and work through this time. It will happen at different periods in your life - when you graduate, when you move with work or family, when your family is grown and moved away and when you are on your own as a senior.

In every case, you need to find activities that help you meet new people who are changing as you are. What do you like doing in your spare time? Can you volunteer at school for short periods of time somewhere to meet and share with others? Are you upbeat and enthusiastic with a smile trying to connect with others? It is a skill that will help throughout your lifetime.

[ApatheticNoMore]

If you want something (more friends and/or a boyfriend etc.) take action to get there.

And don't make comparisons with other people, it's a waste of time, of course I do it ALL the time, but really the only thing comparisons can ever show you is ocassionally your desires if you are out of touch with them, beyond that, lives aren't really comparable.

[Tradd]

Diamond, first of all 22 isn't old for university. I'm not sure where you are, but I graduated from university when I was 22. I have other friends who graduated a bit later. It's quite common in the US for people to work a year or two before beginning university.

What you're experiencing is quite normal! Welcome to life!

I'm never married, no children, in my early 40s. I have former friends who chose to disassociate themselves with those people who weren't married and didn't have children. Friendships with others slowly faded because I either moved, no longer attend the same church, formed different interests, etc.

Other friends want to always go out and do something, but I'm tired. I spent a year studying for, and with two attempts at, the difficult exam for a professional license. I've now passed the exam (earlier this month), but after six months of intense studying and working 60+ hours a week, I just want to rest and veg at home. I don't mind going out for dinner, but I'm still working a lot, and running all over doesn't appeal to me right now at all.

You have to be adaptable, if you want to keep friendships going. They ebb and flow. The long-lasting ones will be flexible when one friend is working a lot and can't meet up, or the other is busy with a new baby.

[Diamond_]

Thank you all for your advice. It's "nice" to hear that it's normal. Well, my best friend used to go out every week without her boyfriend, with me, so I don't understand why things have changed so much. They're a lot closer now and their relationship is way better than before, which I'm glad to hear, but it sucks that I'm out of the picture all of a sudden. It seems like I'm the only one to make an effort to meet up, or to even ask how the other one is doing. Positive to this is that I'm growing closer with another very good friend of mine, who's a bit calmer and likes to just go to a bar and hang out, which I don't mind. She knows about a lot of stuff that's going on in my life now, while my "best friend" doesn't know anything about. Oh well.

Well, my friends at uni have other friends there, whom I don't know. We have set a date to go out now, in a couple of weeks so that'll be fun. My roommates and I have planned a nice party evening as well so maybe I should be Miss Social there and see if friendships grow.
When my friends at uni meet up with other friends, they don't always ask me. Sometimes one of them does, and I join them, cuz I know she likes me there.
Next Tuesday there's an event at a bar in that town, and maybe (very maybe) if I can't find someone to join me, I'll go alone. Bit scary though, but like said: it's how you look at it.

I just felt it was my fault, that my friends are pulling away, like they don't like me anymore, like I'm not a part of the gang cuz I don't have a serious relationship...

[SteveinMN]

I just felt it was my fault, that my friends are pulling away, like they don't like me anymore, like I'm not a part of the gang cuz I don't have a serious relationship...
While it is possible that you just started doing something that has "turned off" your friends, it's far more likely that they are just busy with their different lives. You're on the right track in developing friendships at university. It does take time. And it doesn't always "take" -- much as we might like to sometimes, we can't make someone our friend. But if you're doing things you like to do, the connections and the friendships will come. In the meantime, you won't feel as lonely if you're busy with something you enjoy. And you'll be able to become friends with people on your terms, not out of desperation that there's finally someone to do things with.

[Diamond_]

I can't really do that much since I only have two good friends at uni and one of them always goes out with her friends she knows from highschool and the other one isn't always in the mood to go out and get a drink.
I'm not someone who goes to a bar alone...

[SteveinMN]

I'm not someone who goes to a bar alone...
Surely there are things you are interested in doing and learning that don't involve going to bars?

[puglogic]

I have never met a single long-term friend or worthwhile relationship partner by going to bars.

I met them by figuring out the things I loved doing, and doing them (with other people I knew or without them). Once there, lo and behold, I found other people, male and female, that I could talk to, that shared stuff I wanted to talk about, and yes, I met a husband that way as well. He came pre-qualified as someone who loved to do the same things I did. That works out pretty nicely.

But I started out where you are too, where the only social life I thought worthwhile was going to bars and drinking, and being with other people drinking and talking about meaningless stuff, until it all got very boring. It was really hard to break that pattern -- I mean, that's just what people DID at my university -- but once I scraped together the courage to do other things, it's like a whole different life opened up that felt so much better, and I didn't care what anybody thought of me any more.

Good luck finding people who love you for YOU, and that will never change. You won't find them hanging out in bars.

[Diamond_]

but once I scraped together the courage to do other things, it's like a whole different life opened up that felt so much better, and I didn't care what anybody thought of me any more.

Good luck finding people who love you for YOU, and that will never change. You won't find them hanging out in bars.

Thank you. But that's the thing, other than clubs and bars in my university town, there's nothing much to do. I was thinking about joining a gym next january, when I'll have more time (since now I work for school and exams are getting closer). I don't really know other stuff I could do.
I do wanna do more things. Like now I play an extra on some tv shows, that's always fun and I do meet new people, but maybe one that I'm still in touch with. I do wanna do other things besides going to bars and stuff to meet other people, I just don't know what?

[try2bfrugal]

I am not sure if you mentioned where you live but I am guessing from the size of the country and your turns of phrase it isn't the U.S.

In the U.S. in our area at the local community college there are about 50 student clubs on campus plus thousands of area meetup groups, activity clubs (hiking, kayaking, archery), hobby clubs (photography, native plants, astronomy), social clubs (Soroptimists, Rotary, Moose), numerous gyms, park rec sports leagues, volunteer organizations (Habitat for Humanity, animal rescue, Red Cross). Even if you live in a smaller metro area surely you must have at least some of those options available either at home or school?

As other have said what you are going through is pretty normal. I think all of us who didn't marry or settle down with someone at a relatively young age went through it as friends start to get older and enter relationships. You just have to get out there and do stuff where you meet new people who are also single.

[SteveinMN]

Thank you. But that's the thing, other than clubs and bars in my university town, there's nothing much to do. I was thinking about joining a gym next january, when I'll have more time (since now I work for school and exams are getting closer). I don't really know other stuff I could do.
I do wanna do more things. Like now I play an extra on some tv shows, that's always fun and I do meet new people, but maybe one that I'm still in touch with. I do wanna do other things besides going to bars and stuff to meet other people, I just don't know what?
Well, if you enjoy being an extra, is it that you enjoy the acting or the technical end of it or ... ?? Pursue whatever it is. If there are no organized clubs for acting or drama, start one yourself. Find an empty room somewhere, post flyers announcing a date and time for people who might even be a little interested in acting. Make it clear that you want to work with others on this -- that it's not like you're in charge and will tell them what to do. Maybe you could take the money you'd spend at the bar for a night or two and sponsor a video contest -- best commercial about your university or best seasonal video or something -- for the entire campus. Maybe you could try to find other students who are not from the area. Or people who like science. Or computers. Or football. Something.

I understand this school term may be busy, but you can start planning something for after Christmas. Mahatma Gandhi said you have to be the change you want to see. Maybe you're not reaching for world peace. But friends (platonic or romantic) are not going to fall into your lap. You will need to do a little work and, probably, experience a little more rejection as you try things out. Please don't be discouraged about that. You've probably been on a date with someone, right? When I first started dating, it was tough to work up the courage to ask a girl out, and it took emotional energy to weather the ups and downs. It didn't always work out. So you move on. If you don't step out, you probably will be right where you are now. Only you can decide if it's worth the work to change that.

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh. It's something we all have been through. It's part of life. We're just offering advice on how to get over your current hurdle.

[puglogic]

I do wanna do more things. Like now I play an extra on some tv shows, that's always fun and I do meet new people, but maybe one that I'm still in touch with. I do wanna do other things besides going to bars and stuff to meet other people, I just don't know what?

What are you studying? Is it something you like, or are you just there because parents want you to be there? Maybe something connected to getting great at your area of study, OR if you don't like it, then getting great at something completely different. Start an online business. Volunteer for something you believe in and feel strongly about (great way to meet good people). Write a novel (http://ywp.nanowrimo.org/). Learn to cook, and invite people over to try your concoctions. A gym's a great idea too, especially if you take classes, where you'll see the same faces often. There are things out there no matter where you are.....they just might be hiding ;)

I was super-shy in uni, so it was an uphill battle for me in a different way......good luck with everything!!

[iris lily]

OP, I hope that you learn to pursue interests and hobbies. That's a great way to meet people. While I understand that going out to bars is something that a lot of people in their 20's do, I feel sorry for fully adult people who still are doing that, in their 30's and beyond. While nipping into the neighborhood bar to see friends and have a pint is a perfectly fine thing to do to relax now and then, using the bar as your sole socialization point is tragic.

We humans are so much better when we work and play together. Stronger friendships are formed when work comes into it. Like your theatre group or a hiking group--people to meet with to work on shared interests--more fun, stronger bonds are formed.

[Diamond_]

I study criminology in Belgium, where we don't have that many studentgroups, or at least I haven't found them. If you wanna be a part of such a group, they'll "baptise" you which is always disgusting and in the beginning of the year, two reasons why I missed out.
I'm thinking about joining the gym from february, taking groupclasses and just going to the gym itself. I'm not the type of person who loves to hang around in bars, but it seems like that's almost the only place where I get to know people. I'll see online if there are groups here in town that are following my line of interest.

Thanks for all your advice! Nice to know it happens quite often and it's not just me :)