View Full Version : having friends - do you have many or few? deep or casual?
Blackdog Lin
10-28-12, 9:43pm
Another post on here got me thinking about friendships.
I am the type of introverted person who has deep friendships, but only a few. I can only count 3 truly good friends that I have (and only one of them who I know I could count on for absolutely anything), and they have been friends for 20 and 30 years. Casual friends, maybe another 3 more. Friends you enjoy drinking a beer with on Friday night, but not much more.
And then I think about Granny, and the genetics of the thing. Granny didn't have many friends, but she had close and deep friends. And my sisters - they're the same. No one in my family has a lot of friends - but we do cultivate good friends. We're just not social people. Now that I think about it, my family genetics seems to favor quality over quantity.
It's kinda interesting, the differences in people and their making of friends.
What say you?
SteveinMN
10-28-12, 10:14pm
My closest friends are my wife, a woman/coworker I've known for almost 20 years now, and a guy I had been friends with since we worked together in the late 90s but who passed away this summer. So I'm down to two. Interestingly, all of us were what I call "high-functioning introverts" -- strongly introverted but sufficiently skilled socially that we could have a good time at a party (even if we weren't and didn't care to be the life of that party). All of us are the kind of people who don't have many close friends.
Casual friends, more than two. Not that many, though. I just don't have the energy to be good friends with a dozen or more people. There is a group of my wife's college friends with whom I'm becoming closer, and since we see each other several times a year, developing those relationships are possible. But that will take time and they've had 30+ years of friendship before I showed up.
Of course, a lot of it depends on how one defines "friends"...
I have friends who come and go as we wish. We do some things together and then leave space for others and different interests. Total maybe 6-8 close friends some more recent and some over 40 years in duration. I am pretty self- sufficient with DH and family and personal interests but enjoy the regular contact with friends as well.
I have many acquaintances, I am friendly and make small talk with whoever I see. Acquaintances are not friends per say. I have my best friend my husband. SO One I suppose.
goldensmom
10-29-12, 8:41am
I have many, many acquaintances, a few friends and a best friend (my husband). Over my lifetime I’ve had several what I call a ‘friend for a season’ relationships, someone who had been extremely close for a time then we both moved on in different directions. I cherish those friends that I had for a season, it was good, it was significant but times change and we move on.
I am actually a pretty gregarious person who likes to interact with others.
However all the friendships I've ever had have been transitory and proximity based. When the setting/dynamics of the relationship change, the relationship dies. I don't know if that's good or not. But it's the reality. And another reality is that most people are pretty much the same. So even if a friendship dies, the next one on the horizon probably has the potential to be a good replacement for the one that is ending.
I have no friends at all. I just can't open up enough, although I want to badly! I want to have that one friend like the one in my childhood. I do have many acquaintances though.
My best friend is my husband. We've known one another since age 16 (now in our late 30's).
My mom, is my best 'girl' friend...
I do have several close friends (women), who are not part of the same circle. All individuals. Some are military spouses (or were when we met). Many no longer live near me (either I moved or they did). However, we keep up on the phone, by email. A few have traveled through and stop by to visit.
I'm not a needy person, prefer and enjoy having my time alone, I'm a functioning introvert with a strong intuitive nature. I can when socially necessary, chit chat with people. However, work best at 1:1 interactions. Which is why the group that I left (and mentioned in one of those previous friend threads) was a good decision. I also am really sensitive to judgemental, gossip, and other behaviors that unfortunately I seem to encounter frequently amongst women in my age range. I run far, far away from those. So, may prefer to seek out mature women and can enjoy tea with a 60 something empty nester, as much as with another 30 something year old mom with school aged children. Probably why I have a great friendship, also with my mom.
Also can function and enjoy meeting folks via internet, that have like interests.. because that stays within my comfort zone.
My mom has a collector plate that hangs in her kitchen that reads;
True friends are like diamonds, precious but rare,
false friends are like Autumn leaves, found everywhere.
I have three true-blue friends whom I can count on through thick and thin, lots of acquaintances in between. Fair-weather friends, no thank you.
I'm saddened and surprised at how many people I know who don't have even one special true-blue friend.
I don't have any friends. I have one very good cyber friend. I have relatives and acquaintances, but I'm just not a social person.
I realize this will be a big hardship in my old age, when I might be alone without friends.
I realize this will be a big hardship in my old age, when I might be alone without friends.
Actually Cathy, if you have spent your life being kind of solitary you're pretty much alone already anyway--and you know how to deal with it and thrive in it. So, when you get old, if you're "alone" you'll probably be just fine. If you don't have health care and you get sick, that's another issue...
catherine
10-29-12, 10:07am
...all the friendships I've ever had have been transitory and proximity based. When the setting/dynamics of the relationship change, the relationship dies. I don't know if that's good or not. But it's the reality. And another reality is that most people are pretty much the same. So even if a friendship dies, the next one on the horizon probably has the potential to be a good replacement for the one that is ending.
That's exactly how my friendships have worked. I get pretty close to people in a work context or other context, and once that changes, I haven't really sustained those relationships. I do think fondly on them, and there are some people I really would love to see again.
At the moment, because I have been working from home for 4 years, I'm kind of low in the daily friendship department. Part of the barrier to making friends, frankly, is my relationships with my husband, and even my kids, and even my BIL next door. My life is pretty full between work and outside interests, and family. That keeps me from nurturing friendships, which is not a great thing, but I feel lucky to have a close family
Mighty Frugal
10-29-12, 12:15pm
I have a 'true-blue friend' we met in grade 5 (age 11 and we're now 46). My sister and HER true-blue friend are also very close friends to me. Th 4 of us have breakfast monthly and do a 4 day trip every summer and Christmas get together, etc. Plus I see my BFF weekly as well
I also consider my other sister a good friend-although she isn't in our 'group'
I then have a few more friends but don't see them as often and there is always something 'there' that prevents true closeness
Some acquaintances-mainly moms from my neighbourhood-we're friendly and get along well, i suppose they are friends but if they moved away that would be the end of it
So nice to read so many of you consider your spouse your best friend! My dh is a friend as well but not my best friend-that's my pal Rosie!
I was telling DD of my weekly activities and interests with others who share these interest. I have friends who I can call to take me somewhere when I cannot drive like eye appointments and I do the same for them. I have friends who go with me to the HD Metopera, hike weekly and talk about anything right to the deeply philosophical and emotional. Some friends are good to discuss the metaphysical or cooking or quilting.
I have a support group of a wonderful variety that enabled me to tell both DD's that I am staying in this area as I age and they are not to be concerned as I have and give that mutual support. When I mentioned the conversation with DD's to these diverse friends who are peers in age and circumstances, there has been a big hug and gratitude that the subject was raised and support reaffirmed in both directions. One even said that should the need arise, we could share a place.
Gardenarian
10-29-12, 4:09pm
I have a lot of nice people in my life, but I have always had trouble with intimacy, trust, and revealing myself.
I get very little time to myself (not as much as I need); I don't want to spend more time with other people.
Though it might appear that I have a lot of friends, I am really quite solitary - but not lonely.
I think it is important to have friends outside of family. I have 3 close friends, even though 2 of them I do not see often, they are my soul sisters. We have been through a lot together. I also have a tea group and a travel group of friends; one of my best friends is in my tea group, and she is my newest friend. We met a couple of years ago because our fathers were in assisted living at the same place. She and I really hit it off and we needed each other because we were somewhat new to the area.
I also consider my family amongst my closest friends: my two sons, my father, my sister (we talk on phone every day even though far apart geographically.
It is hard to have too many close friends, because where does one get the time to nurture too many close friendships; and why would one need more than 2 or 3.
As others have stated, I am more introverted and have no problems being alone. Having said that, I still work and I wonder if I will feel the same when I am fully retired. I will find out in the near future.:D
I have two or three very good friends who I've know for many years . One is a cousin who has also been a friend, if that counts. And probably 4 or 5 acquaintance sort of friends that I see and do some things with several times a year. Seems like as a person gets older, new friendships are harder to come by.
rosarugosa
10-29-12, 6:01pm
I get very little time to myself (not as much as I need); I don't want to spend more time with other people.
Though it might appear that I have a lot of friends, I am really quite solitary - but not lonely.
I agree with the above. That said, I do have what I would consider plenty of excellent friends. Not all in one circle nor all of one "type" though. DH is definitely my BFF. I consider Mom, sister, MIL and SIL as girlfriends, and my BILs are friends as well, although they are also family of course. I have a girlfriend at work; we are very close but seldom see each other outside of work. But the bond is close and we are able to share some pretty intimate things. My sister is more social than I am and a lot of her friends are now good friends of ours as well. My boss is about my age and we have a lot in common and have worked together now for about 12 years. I would have to say we are pretty close, although we never see each other outside of work. We share some pretty intimate stuff but are able to keep a good working relationship too, so I guess I'm pretty lucky in this regard.
I have a fairly large group of both male and female friends. Many are people I just play a particular sport with - although well often socialize afterwards, go out to eat, have a barbeque, occasionally one will host a party. I also have a few close friends that I've known forever and interact with often - most are male but I have 2 close female friends plus my sis. All are in SoCal which is one reason I stay here.
frugal-one
10-31-12, 5:37pm
I met today with a few woman friends. We have the same interests. However, if I moved away I doubt if I would ever hear from them again.... I guess that would make them more like acquaintances??? I'm not lonely but know that if my SO died I would truly be all alone. There is no family and no really close friends.
I have two female friends whom I consider to be very good friends, but I do not see them very often. Maybe 3-4 times a year or fewer. When we do meet up, it's like no time has gone by, though, and our intimacy level is the same.
I would consider my sister to be my very best friend, however. She's had my back since we were kids. We'd go down for each other in a nanosecond.
I've moved a lot throughout my life and have stayed in contact with my closest friends, so now have friends spread around the country. We visit them when we're traveling in those areas - it's always fun to re-connect and find that we're still traveling on the same path. I'm a strong introvert and have a need for quiet time on my own to regenerate. Also because of my introversion it takes me a while to form strong friendships when I move to a new place. When I'm in a group of new people, I listen far more than I speak.
Locally, I have a few very close friends (whom I see at least weekly for concentrated discussion time) and a larger circle of good friends (whom I see at least monthly in a small group). Due to our church and my volunteer activities at school I'd say that I have a larger circle of friendly acquaintances than I've ever had.
I have a handful of really close friends, three from childhood, two from my time spent in L.A. and two that I met in MSP as an adult. All of them are more like family than friends. In fact, a whole handful of them are my children's Godparents, so in a way they are family.
I also have a lot of neighborhood and church friends. That might not sound like a deep sort of friendship, but it actually is. I live in the neighborhood I grew up in and go to the church my father went to when I was a kid. This is the kind of place where people take their relationships with their neighbors very seriously. We can really depend on each other. Birth, death or illness? We can arrange weeks worth of meals. Need a ride to the doctor? Done. Babysitter? Done. Elderly and need someone to check in on you, fix something or weed your flowers? Done. We have fun events for people to get together, like my monthly Women Who Cook group or Zach's monthly men's ethnic restaurant and ping pong group. There are actually groups who get together to have a lutefisk contest every year. When a neighbor's granddaughter, who is severely handicapped, was feeling lonely, a neighborhood grandma organized a garden tea party in her honour with good china, silver tea service, good linens and story time on picnic blankets with painted parasols. That girl has had friends ever since. Just last month that same grandma had a mom's tea where neighborhood moms could get together to share ideas and chat. Heck, I've even had neighbors dispose of dead mice for me and check to see if my cat was still alive in the basement when I had reason to think he wasn't. That is friendship. :)
awakenedsoul
10-31-12, 6:45pm
Great thread. I consider my mom my closest friend at this stage of my life. My father is also a good friend and gives me good advice. I always had a few close friends when I was working as a dancer in shows. The casts were wonderful, and everyone got along. My dance partner was a very good friend, but he died. My best friend of 20 years got AIDS and his personality totally changed with the medication. So, sadly, we are no longer close. (But we had an amazing bond when we were.) I have a few neighbors that I really enjoy and chat with everyday. (I see them when we are out walking our dogs.) One is coming over tonight to see my garden. I guess I better go get ready!
When the setting/dynamics of the relationship change, the relationship dies.
This has been my experience too. I have known a lot of people that became more than just acquaintances through work, kid's school way back when or volunteer stuff. But...when those things stop or change, we seem to lose contact. I have been meeting with several friends I made at work that are retired now and I enjoy their company but I can see their lives are totally different now and that our friendship may probably fade away too. I hope not. Sadly, I think that is just kind of the way things are today since so many are busy and moving around. These days, DH is probably my best friend, followed by my grown daughter. My very best friend was my younger brther but he has since passed away from an illness. I wish that I had a sister or close girl friend (a true confidante) sometimes like I had when I was younger.
rosarugosa
10-31-12, 8:20pm
Sidebar comment: Stella, I am reading a book with a character called Captain Lutefisk and I could not help but think of you!
Blackdog Lin
10-31-12, 9:15pm
Interesting, isn't it? We seem to be all over the board on friendships. Many have few, many have many. Some have deep ones, some have more, but they're more casual ones.
Seeing the responses, I'm thinking having friends, or having close friends vs. having casual ones, is dependant in large part on how our lives evolved. Did we stay home, or move away? Did we focus on a career, or on a family life? Are we introverts, or ex'es? It makes a difference, doesn't it?
(1) I am so jealous of those of you that consider your DH/DW your best friend. I love DH completely, after 35+ years, but best friend he is not. He's too judgmental, and too quick to point out my faults; and (2) I cannot conceive a life without my goodest bestest friend, and may I die one day before her. She is NOT judgemental, she know ALL my faults but has the courtesy not to point them out, and I don't know but what I would miss her more than DH if I lost either one of them.
Well, them and the dog. Shoot, DH, best friend, and the dog-who-is-the-mistress-of-the-household: can't pick between any of them! And all of them are friends forever.....
Rosemary
10-31-12, 10:22pm
I've known my best friend since I was 11 years old. We've been together through thick and thin, even though we've been separated by hundreds to thousands of miles since we were about 18 (we're over 40 now). I know she's always there, she knows I'm here. We visit in person every 1-2 years but are generally in contact by phone and email. She is the only person besides DH to whom I am comfortable telling absolutely anything.
SteveinMN
10-31-12, 10:57pm
I'm thinking having friends, or having close friends vs. having casual ones, is dependant in large part on how our lives evolved. Did we stay home, or move away? Did we focus on a career, or on a family life? Are we introverts, or ex'es? It makes a difference, doesn't it?
One of the biggest adjustments I had to make in moving to Minnesota was making friends here. In many other metro areas (NYC, Washington, Seattle, Houston, etc.), the population is much more transient. Here, most people have lived here all their lives. Maybe they went to college elsewhere or served in the military or Americorps or did missionary work for a few years, but they all grew up here and most come back as soon as they can.
As a result, most other folks have -- for years -- had the friends they have. The old friends don't move away for long and there really are not that many newcomers, so there's no real drive to make friends with new people. Not like it doesn't happen and not like Minnesotans are aloof. Just that for the longest time and for whatever reason, my best friends were people who'd moved here from elsewhere.
Now, however, my two closest friends are actually Minnesota born-and-bred. Only one has lived elsewhere for any length of time. I'm not sure what's changed, but it is something I've seen here that I have not seen anywhere else I've lived.
SteveinMN... I noticed the same thing when we moved here from out of state (also having lived in more transient areas). For several years our neighbors still treated us like the newbies from Arizona. My close friends here are also from out of state. I do have friends who grew up here, but they have more connections including family and simply seem to have less time for new friends. Now, ironically, we're one of the long-time residents on our street, as the population is turning over and the original owners of the houses are moving out after their kids leave the roost.
Sidebar comment: Stella, I am reading a book with a character called Captain Lutefisk and I could not help but think of you!
:D Funny! What was the name of the book? I might have to read that.
Seeing the responses, I'm thinking having friends, or having close friends vs. having casual ones, is dependant in large part on how our lives evolved. Did we stay home, or move away? Did we focus on a career, or on a family life? Are we introverts, or ex'es? It makes a difference, doesn't it?
That's so true. Other than the high school years, I've spent most of my life moving around (Dad in the military, me in the military, ex-dh in the military) so have always had transitory friendships. Some of those friends have remained a big part of my life even though we don't live near each other. But we visit. Other friendship s have fallen to the wayside. Of the long distance friendships, I have one great friend I've known for decades and we have even found ourselfs living near each other, and even together, in different parts of the country several times over the years. She's from Spain and I met her when I lived there. She was dating (and later married) a Coast Guard guy who was stationed there who I worked with. We became roommates and got along great. I eventually left and went back to the states (San Fran area) and, after she married the coast guard guy, they got transferred to the same area! Then we ended up living back east close to each other several years later, and again found ourselfs living in Alaska (where we were roomamtes again for awhile) several years after that. Pretty wild! She's still in Alaska but we keep in touch and visit each other when we can. I have more in common with her then I do lots of "local" friends. I also have lots of old coastie friends scattered thru out the states and we try to get together when ever we can. Tell tall sea stories that get wilder, and wilder the more often they are told
Yep.. and in the military, we never say 'Goodbye' but 'See you later'. Those types of friendships, we've kept up with over husband's career. My in laws (retired military) also have friends from very early on his FIL's career. Sometimes friends even eventually are transferred back to where they were (or to where you are now, if you were the one to move). That happened to us on our last tour. :) A mom friend from our original 'moms group' had moved twice while I stayed at the last duty station. I moved to the new one and then, her husband was transferred down here, as well.
Yep.. and in the military, we never say 'Goodbye' but 'See you later'. Those types of friendships, we've kept up with over husband's career. My in laws (retired military) also have friends from very early on his FIL's career. Sometimes friends even eventually are transferred back to where they were (or to where you are now, if you were the one to move). That happened to us on our last tour. :) A mom friend from our original 'moms group' had moved twice while I stayed at the last duty station. I moved to the new one and then, her husband was transferred down here, as well.
Yep, the military. It's more than a job, it's an adventure...in moving :-)! I think I once counted all the places I moved to since I was born until age 30 and it was around 20. I know that in my first 5 years of life my Dad (Air Force) was transferred 5 times! No wonder I always hung out with my older brother! I do try to keep in contact with people I've met over the years, and it is easier now with internet, but I'm pretty bad about it. We'll occasionally have unit get-togethers and those are fun but as time goes on it becomes less often. But it's kind of like a high school reunion in that, even if you haven't seen these people for years, as soon as you are back together it's as if no time has passed at all.
So true! Technology helps, though, I still like to send a hand written letter a few times a year (just whenever I'm led to do it). Seems some friends really like text messaging, too. I have one friend in the North East that texted last night with photo of the kids. Another is on the West coast and sent one of her daughter with a rainbow behind her. :) And you're right, if we were in the same room.. it would be as though no time has passed at all. :)
I was out hiking with friends this morning and was reminded that having friends seemed to depend on some making the effort to invest in friendship. I keep connecting to new friends of friends who grow into good friends by our shared interests and effort to invest our time and energy.
When we moved a lot or I was working long hours, friends were left behind with a few exceptions. When I finally had the time and opportunity to make the investment of time and effort, it seemed that friendships were reactivated and friends were added.
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