I found an old work review. horrific

[Zoe Girl]

So in the process of getting ready to have a wall torn down in the basement for the electrical work (see the housing thread) I am decluttering even more. And as usual you find things that are shoved in the last minute that you never intended to keep. I found some of this, things from my work past, and I was very upset last night.

One thing was a huge binder on a course series of teaching the gifted who have learning disabilities, twice exceptional. I got it when I was a para and my principal let me go to some classes. I felt so very encouraged by this. I also had a review from her, one page, that was quite positive. She said I would make a great teacher.

Then the review of the one teaching job I had. It was based on an observation in December and I totally sucked. I got a 'needs work' in every area with details about what was going on. Things like I didn't show equal respect for the students, I didn't have a clear understanding of the content, I didn't have control of the classroom. I really didn't have control of the classroom, the first day the one special needs kiddo 'swam' down the hall on his belly. Eventually he was taken out of my classroom because my other kids were too loud. It also said i was not taking constructive criticism and saying things would not work, which is how my one staff has been acting. i am pretty sure that I did that. A huge amount of it was hearing nothing positive or encouraging for months up to that point. I know I just got worse and worse that year without anyone to help me see a few bright spots to grow on. I had a counselor who kept on encouraging me to try and fit in. By the time I quit in February I cried every day. I was also not on proper medication with a proper diagnoses. Quitting that job snowballed into losing my house in foreclosure, being really broke still to this day, and I did not anticipate how bad I would feel overall about myself since most of my life I have not been career focused. But I needed to work that job and earn that money and I didn't.

I want to put this in perspective, especially since I talk to my supervisor today briefly and I feel I have been more pushy about things. Every time I think that I hear that really I am not being rude according to others. How do you handle a really horrible review? What if you see the truth in it however react because it is mean spirited or too extreme? I can't argue a lot of it, and I didn't say boo back then, so maybe my lesson still is to be more assertive even with that bad review having merit. Today I need to stand up for some things and i feel I found that review to show me that nothing got better when I just agreed with it and went along.

You guys listen a lot, thank you, And please use this for a springboard to talk about reviews and your experience. i am really interested.

[razz]

What works for me is looking and seeing where I am NOW.
I have changed/grown/progressed and so does everyone else. Your experience is not unique at all. I ws lousy at some activities as I was not prepared for the circumstances in which I found myself even with the best of intentions. I have let it go as I cannot change the past.
All I can offer in options to consider - to live and and think in the NOW with the knowledge and understanding you have NOW. Any time or thought that you give to the past is both detracting and distracting from what you are and can do NOW. As well, the future will come whatever you do so focus on living, thinking, working and growing NOW.

[bunnys]

Full disclosure: I am a teacher and have been one for many years. I've been evaluated many times in the past and will continue to be evaluated. I know where you're coming from.

I would 1st say the thing to do is never keep something that is negative and damaging to your self-esteem to look at later. And if you ever, ever find something like that again, toss it--no, burn it, without reading it.

Here's a little story--In my non-unionized district about 8 years ago, they came up with this brilliant idea that the administration would do what the teachers ended up fondly referring to as "drivebys." Unannounced, the administration would show up at your door and do an 8-minute "snapshot" of your room. They had a prepared sheet for this with many boxes to check. During the first year, I had about 3 of these drivebys done and each time I looked, they only occasionally checked a positive box and frequently checked boxes of negative things they saw. But every time they took the time to write something specific in the box allocated for it, it was negative. Finally, after 3 self-recrimination filled report readings, I decided that as I hadn't set up this dynamic, I didn't need to participate. And every driveby I got after that went into my "evidence" folder, unread. I mean, what was the point in reading that crap? I had been a teacher for years. I was a good teacher. And I was already about the teacher I was going to be for the remainder of my career.

After an especially bad snapshot, one of the administrators whom I particularly liked dropped in and said "I just want you to know that I'm going to rip this up and we'll redo it." I responded "don't bother, Wilbur, I don't read them anyway." He was SHOCKED, I mean, absolutely shocked by what I disclosed.

Here is my philosophy of life when it comes to someone ripping me a new one in a written format. I don't have to read anything anyone sends to me, letter, email, note, text, evaluation. Whatever. If I know the contents are going to shake my self-esteem, then I ditch it, unopened. (And you know that you know when it's going to be bad.)

People say to me, "how can you not read it? I would have to read it." To which I respond, "who says?" And further, the first time you ditch something unread and you realize how freeing it is, you'll be surprised at how easy it is in the future.

Am I being reckless doing this? Who knows. I don't really care. The fact is there are too many people out there who feel it is there job to tell you what you need to know about yourself--and with those people, it's usually negative. Who needs that crap in their life? Not me, and I'm certainly not going to court it if it's handed to me in written form.

Sorry this was so upsetting for you. Don't listen to it in the future.

[sweetana3]

Zoe, you dont have that job anymore and have no need to read, consider, think about, what anyone back then said. Keep all positive items and burn the rest. You are grown, you are changed, you are in a different time and space. All of us have these things in the past and have moved on.

[rodeosweetheart]

I agree with everyone here, and would like to add that when I have something like that (which I, too, leave unopened and unread), if I do have the bad luck to read it, I do a ritual burning of same, release it into the cosmos with a prayer, and find it a very healing thing.

I even bought a chimaya to burn my divorce records--it took weeks, there were so many, and I still have a box full, but I wanted to protect the kids' right to sue their dad, should they choose to do so.

But they have said they don';t want to do that (bless them) and so I oughta do a new ritual burn.

You can throw some cleansing white sage in there if you want to do a thorough job.

I am reading a book on depression, which I battle all the time, and they called actions like the rereading of the review rumination, and that was a thought pattern of depression? I resonated with that, because when I am sinking, I find that I dwell in the past and obsess about lost relationships, things I did wrong in the past, or how my family will never be "whole" again, my career is a shamble, etc. That is my form of rumination.

Could this thinking about your career in these terms, and the financial losses, be a form of rumination?

I think that is why I decided to hit the problem of the old papers with a cleansing, cosmic action.

YMMV, of course.

[JaneV2.0]

...

Here is my philosophy of life when it comes to someone ripping me a new one in a written format. I don't have to read anything anyone sends to me, letter, email, note, text, evaluation. Whatever. If I know the contents are going to shake my self-esteem, then I ditch it, unopened. (And you know that you know when it's going to be bad.)

People say to me, "how can you not read it? I would have to read it." To which I respond, "who says?" And further, the first time you ditch something unread and you realize how freeing it is, you'll be surprised at how easy it is in the future. ...

I've done this in my personal life. Very satisfying.

For some reason, I've kept notes from a job I had that was really a disaster. I keep meaning to recycle them. Maybe today.

[Float On]

I don't keep anything that has anything negative about me or my traits. Burn those and move on....you aren't the same person in the same situation. I remember your posts at that time and it was a negative environment.

[BayouGirl]

As a teacher, I have gotten negative or snarky reviews from clueless people that I didn't respect or admire. Seems that often the people in administrative positions in the field of education are the very ones who don't like kids, don't like their jobs and often use their position to get back at people they have problems with on a personal level. Not all are like that but I ran into more than my fair share of evaluators who didnt have a freakin clue what really went into running a class and dealing with 30 kids in the inner city without even the basics like paper, pencils and enough books.

We were not supposed to share our evaluations with each other but I shared mine with my fellow teachers, who would reveal theirs and we would have a good ole laugh at the BS on them. I would write an equally snarky review of the evaluators (using our codenames for them, not their real names, I'm not stupid, lol!!) and pass it to friends.

I would take that crappy evaluation home and put it on my fridge and let my friends see it as well. They would also have a good laugh because they knew I loved my students, saw the hours I put into lesson plans and paperwork and the time and money I spent gathering materials so my kids would have great books to read. I even got THREE computers all on my own, at my own expense to use in my class.

Later, that same person who gave me the bad eval tried to say those computers belonged to the school and tried to take them to put in her class when I quit (due to a major surgery and illness). Eventually that school was closed because enrollment decline to below 200 kids because parents and children HATED the principal (who was busted for weed possession and choked two kids and was promoted to a position on the school board) and the "curriculum adviser" (who hated me because my kids and students loved me. She got the principal to choose her as "teacher of the year" at our school, even though she didn't have a class, which was against the rules but the principal sided with her because she covered his butt.

Anyway, enough about my experiences. My point to you is, the people who really know you will think that eval isn't worth the paper it is written on. I would turn it into a joke and laugh at it. I would think a educational setting that the admin and evaluators would KNOW that a negative review without any effort on their part to help fix the things they see as problems is worthless. The admin should be there to support and help the teachers, NOT try to knock them down with negativity.

So if I were you, i would make a joke of it because it IS a joke. I would keep it and refer to it as the piece of lousy fiction that it is, or if it really bothers you, burn it or use it to line the birdcage or litter box. You have agonized enough about it, time to use it to your own amusement and free yourself from it.

[Zoe Girl]

thank you so much, this cheers me up almost as much as dressing as the cowgirl witch today for work! (okay front office manager cannot stop laughing at me, I think it is a great costume).

I never considered some of these ideas, like not reading it or making it into a joke. I did have one friend breakup and a relationship breakup that I did not read the final email from. I knew it would keep that cycle going. However I always figured if you were seriuos about your job you must read them, and believe them. In my current position I do more push back, i simply do not accept everything that I am told.

I do kinda wonder if I really had to quit. I heard about others who had a job the following year and had as horrible of a first year with this principal. The last straw was a child choking another in the classroom, and then he actually followed the behavior plan and took himself to the office to cool off. I had NO idea that when you finally get effective that it gets worse right before it gets better. I feel much better today about the review and not thinking that was the entire job that I did even if there was some truth.

So I think that I would be feeling overall MUCH better if anything else had seemed like it was ok then or in the couple years following. It was just a downward spiral as some here would know. But understanding that leads me to the next thing to work on,

[lhamo]

I have received one negative work review in my life. It was a total setup and everyone I worked with who saw it (besides the boss who wrote it, who everyone knew was a borderline sociopath) thought it was total BS. But it really did a number on my self-esteem, and was the trigger for my last major depressive episode. I eventually came out of it, got a great job where my contribution is recognized and appreciated, and moved on. But I still have the review in my files. I read it a couple of months ago and it still made me angry. I should probably burn it. I did that with letters from a psychologically abusive boyfriend way back in the day, and it made me feel great.

Though the road has been hard, you've come a long way in the last couple of years, Zoegirl. I wish you could have had a more supportive environment when you were struggling with so much. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself at your new position. It is important and you are worth it. It isn't rude to ask for what you need, which are clear goals/objectives and a fair process for evaluating your work and that of your staff.

(((((((Hugs!)))))))))))))

lhamo

[bunnys]

I have found that when you do reread something negative from the past no mater how certain you are that you have completely recovered from it and moved on and now are certain it's a complete joke, it still eats at your psyche.

So I've learned two things. #1--don't read the crap to begin with and #2--certainly, do not ever revisit it or pick the scab off that wound by rereading it.

[iris lily]

I have found that when you do reread something negative from the past no mater how certain you are that you have completely recovered from it and moved on and now are certain it's a complete joke, it still eats at your psyche.

So I've learned two things. #1--don't read the crap to begin with and #2--certainly, do not ever revisit it or pick the scab off that wound by rereading it.

This is great advice, this and your previous post are gold!

A corollary is that The Written Word can have so much more power to hurt than the spoken one. Something uttered disappears into the ether. The written words hangs around to be read and absorbed, and read and absorbed, over. And over.

It's a bad idea to put many things in writing when really, two people should just be talking. If it is social and could be consdiered confrontational, it should not be in writing. Of course, job related stuff HAS to be in writing, that's not what I'm talking about.

[awakenedsoul]

I'm sorry you got a negative evaluation. It seems self abusive to me to save it and reread it. I would tear it up into tiny pieces and throw it in the garbage.

I received a written evaluation when I was working at MGM. My supervisor and I had worked together as dancers at MGM Reno for years. This one was in Vegas. She thought it was a great evaluation, but I was offended that she wrote on it, "Work on ballet." The supervisor had recently commented on how well I had kept up my ballet. I wrote comments back on the evaluation and turned them in. She apologized and said, "We wrote that on everyone's sheet." They gave me an award shortly afterward, but I still didn't renew my contract. It ticked me off. I moved to LA and found another job. It was a toxic negative environment in that show, anyway...She told me that she was really sorry I was leaving.

[treehugger]

I'm on the other side of this right now. An employee with performance and attitude issues, pretty much from the beginning. Monday we had a 90-minute review meeting with HR and my supervisor and the employee spent the entire 90 minutes blaming me for every single issue (documented examples) I brought up, and argued with everything, including a simple suggestion that she take an Excel class (that the company will pay for). This was a clear case of her not accepting negative feedback and we are kind of at a loss as to what to do now. She wouldn't even meet us half way.

I certainly understand standing up for oneself and there is no law that says anyone has to believe negative feedback, but some ownership of learning issues (feedback from multiple sources) should be expected. *sigh*

Anyway, this is a different issue from finding an old review from a former job. That isn't relevant any more and is better thrown away.

Kara