Helping a Family Through Cancer

[Kat]

A friend of DH's was just diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. He is fairly young (late thirties, I'd guess) with a wife and two children (maybe 12 and 14?). Obviously, we are saddened by this news and want to help him and his family however we can. I guess I'm just not sure how to proceed. I don't want to be a bother, but I want them to know that we care and are thinking of them. We really are willing to do anything they need--clean the house, help with the kids, provide meals, etc. But again, I don't really know the best way to proceed. DH is feeling like we should give them a little time to take it all in and decide what will take place in terms of treatment.

I'd love to hear some input from those of you who have been through similar situations. We deeply care about these people and want to get this right. Any ideas as to what we could do or how we could go about doing it would be greatly appreciated. :-)

[Stella]

Offer help now, so they know they can call you, but continue to keep offering help at various times. They don't know what they are going to need yet, but it's good for them to have kind of a running list of people who would be able to help. Tell them specifically the kinds of things you are able to do. Sometimes people can't think of anything off the top of their head, but if you are specific, "can I bring you a meal sometime this week?" they will accept.

My sister, as you know, has had cancer twice in the last two years and she was completely unprepared for how difficult it was going to be the first time around. She thought she'd get by with minimal help, but at one point had a schedule of friends helping take care of her around the clock. It's kind of appalling how sick you can be and not be in the hospital. They will definitely need support. I'll be praying for them!

[pammy]

As someone sitting on the other end, I'll give some input. My late hubby was diagnosed with stage IV cancer at 38. Yes, for sure, we needed time for it to soak in. So many people were asking us so many questions, and we were still trying to wrap my head around it, and many answers I didn't have yet. Time is good, but it is still good for them to know you care and are there for them. I didn't have children at home (daughter was 21 at the time), but I know she appreciated people that were thoughtful to her as well.

Some of the more thoughtful things that stood out I will try to list: people that showed up when he was in the hospital. cards, just for no reason, to let us know they were thinking of us. visits that were upbeat. gift baskets, gift cards were a real treat. i know we didn't like to ask for help, and don't know how they may be, but when someone did something for us anyway, it was appreciated. bbq's or get togethers that weren't a sad-fest. my hubby always smiled and cracked jokes and we joked back with him through it all. someone getting stuff from the pharmacy or store or whatever for me so i didn't have to leave him, it was appreciated. in the hospital his friends brought some of his favorite movies from highschool for him to watch. just being there, even if nothing is said or done, they know. Other suggestions could be maybe picking up a meal or ordering it for them after treatment days. Taking the kids to the movies to lift them up a little. Phone numbers so if they needed anything can get ahold of you.

I really feel for them, cancer is a terrible thing. :( Am really hoping things will go good for them, I'll pray for them.

[Zoebird]

I second just offering help right now is a good place to start.

When a client of mine had brain cancer, they opted to leave their lives "as is" until she passed. This is how she wanted it to go. My mother and I organized two meals a week for her (pop in the oven and serve) through our friend/client networks. We also had afternoons free and would go and wash mats at the laundry mat. So, we told her we go every wednesday, and we'd pop by their place and grab their laundry and go and do it, delivering it back by 4:30.

One of my other clients owns her own cleaning service business, and she provided weekly cleaning services to the family as well.

This just allowed her to spend time with her kids. She spent most of her last year volunteering in their schools, so she was with one daughter Mon/Wed at school and the other daughter on Tues/Thurs, and then on Friday's she had her day off/treatment days. Her cancer was so severe that they basically just put her on pain management form the get-go and gave her about a year to live. She took this route, but they still had appointments. She would get massages, spend time with friends/family, go to yoga classes and go on walks. But her household was taken care of, she was with her kids throughout the week, and weekends were family time.

By cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry, we were able to let her focus on people. Family were able to care for the kids for date nights with her husband and so on.

Toward the end, she had a really massive party. It was a "This is Your Life" party. It was really cool. People brought photos and videos and shared stories. There was lots of food and lots of community. People got together and wrote everything into books -- which were created for her daughters. She had plenty of time to set her own affairs in order, so she was ready when the time came, and they'd prepared their children as best they could.

It was a good year for them. She died peacefully at home, on a Saturday, with her family by her side. It's not a bad way to go, even though she was very young (she was the same age then as I am now).

[Kat]

Thanks, guys!

Stella--I was thinking that maybe it would be helpful to be more specific. I know when people are grieving a loss, they aren't always able to think of what they need. This family is grieving in a way, too. So maybe I will try that a little later on down the road.

Pammy--Thanks so much for sharing your experience (and welcome to the forum!). It is really helpful to hear what it is like for someone on the other side of this. You have given me many wonderful ideas, including the possibility of just "hanging out" (a BBQ or whatever) like normal. Thank you for your prayers, too. :-)

Zoebird--I like your idea of helping the family focus on their relationships. I think that is what we would like to help them do--take care of the more mundane tasks (cooking, cleaning, etc.) so they can just be together and not have to worry about those things. I love the "This is Your Life" party idea, too. What a wonderful way to celebrate a life.

[bunnys]

Sorry to hear of your friend's illness.

I'd probably plan on taking them dinner on a regular basis for the time being--say once a month. If you call/email them in the morning and tell them you're bringing dinner that afternoon, I think that would be a much appreciated and pleasant surprise every once in a while.

[Simplemind]

Through the years when friends have gone through something like this I offered "Let me know if there is anything I can do" with all sincerity. It wasn't until this past year that I learned how difficult it can be to let people know what would help. I had two friends who would just show up with food. Sometimes it was a meal or a pie or just bags of basics. They knocked on the door, handed it over and didn't make me feel obligated to visit if the time was bad or I hadn't showered in a couple of days. One friend who often walks with me showed up to walk my dog several times a week. Sometimes the greatest gift was giving me a spell so I could go push a grocery cart around the store and feel somewhat normal.
I didn't understand pre-grief back then. I didn't understand a lot of what I was feeling back then and would bury myself in the business of tending to cancer instead of being in the moment and processing it. I found books about it after that I wish I had found while I was walking the walk. I have never experienced time being warped like it was. I felt suspended while I was waiting for the end and at other times like events were whizzing by. I was thankful for my friends who had gone through the same thing taking their time to talk about what to expect and to let me vent. One told me to journal the days because even though I felt that I would never forget she was right in that later on due to stress and exhaustion you do. It is good to go back and read it.
Prayers to you and your friend and her family. It will be a difficult journey but made easier by your support. Even the little things seemed huge to me at the time. I feel humbled whenever I think back on it. God bless.

[Kat]

bunnys--thank you for the suggestion. I think dinner once a month would be just about right--helpful without being annoying.

simplemind--thanks so much for sharing. I really do want to show compassion and be sensitive to how the family may be feeling. Your post will help me to do that. Also, drop off and leave is a good reminder. The last thing I would want is for them to feel like that had to entertain us. I really just want to help them and get out of the way. If they need or want to talk, that is obviously a different story. But most of the time, I expect to hand over the food at the door and head out. I thought it might also be helpful to use disposable containers and include some paper plates and napkins, too. That way, they don't have to dirty any dishes or worry about returning anything.

[Kat]

Just a quick update: the family isn't home right now; they are in a town about an hour and a half away for treatment. It sounds as though that might be an extended stay, so DH and I are planning to contribute financially to a fund designed to help them with their expenses. I also found out there will be a benefit for our friend, too, so I contacted the organizer and offered to make some food for the bake sale and dinner.