How to deal with repetitive storytellers... [Archive]

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SiouzQ.

11-1-12, 10:46am

I've been kind of hanging out with/dating a very nice man for a few months and I realized last night that I have heard some of his same stories numerous times and I am not sure how to gently let him know that these stories are not new to me anymore. He is really a very good and humorous storyteller, and the first time through (or even the second time) is fine but when you've heard the same story for the fourth or fifth time and him retelling exactly like the first two times you've heard it, well, I think you know what I mean. I am starting to think he just really likes the sound of his own voice, A LOT. In the scope of things, it's really not that bad of a trait, but still...I'm finding myself getting a little impatient with it and haven't really figured out a gentle way of letting him know that I am familiar with it ~ I think a couple of times I have said something like, "oh yeah, I remember when you told me that last week" but he still has to finish telling me the whole thing.

I guess I am starting to assess the ultimate seriousness of this relationship, which has evolved into being quite good friends, with a little kissing here and there but nothing more. I haven't been sure that I even want anything more at this point because as soon as you start sleeping together the complications set in because all of the sudden, you are in a relationship and I am not sure that is what I want at this point in my life. I mostly enjoy his company but I'm pretty sure I would like to keep my options open and not be committed to any one person. Somehow we've avoided "the talk" and have been letting things unfold on their own, but we've been "dating" for many months now and I think I am getting impatient with things and am starting to feel like branching out a bit.

So back to the original question ~ how DO you tell someone they are repeating themselves too much? (I should add, he is 55 but I don't think in any way, shape, or form that he is loosing his memory or anything like that)!

iris lily

11-1-12, 11:38am

ah, only in marriage does one have to put up with the same stories again and again. Dating should be free of that, that's one of the advantages of dating!

I don't know the answer to your question. If a stock of polished stories is the thing he has developed as his social capitol, it's tough to call him on it. It may be tied to his identity.

In the end the only way to stop is to smile, touch his hand and say Harold, you know, I've heard that, and enjoyed it the first time. But--what do you think of ? [insert current event here.] A pretty woman smiling at him will lesson a blow.

SimplyL

11-1-12, 11:51am

My husband has certain stories that he tells really well. Sometimes, there's a repeat. I usually will say, 'Oh, yeah, I remember when you told me about that...' and it solves the issue. Then again, some of his stories are really funny and I enjoy listening to them again... especially, when he tells it to new people that haven't heard them, he has some good ones!

Have you tried that and trail off your voice as you say, 'I remember when you told me about that....' or 'yeah, that was a good story'. See if he'll move on from there. If he doesn't, I really don't know and would also love to hear some input. We have a relative that does this, and he doesn't get the hint.. :)

peggy

11-1-12, 11:59am

Or maybe, when he starts in with a story, just kind of laugh and finish it for him.."isn't that the story where you finally found the dog? You told me that one. It's a funny story." then, as Iris says, draw him on beyond the moment.

ToomuchStuff

11-1-12, 12:02pm

I have dealt with a few, that did do that due to dementia or early altzheimers. Most people, I believe, it is just remembering things that have stuck out in their lives and something reminded them of that.
Interrupting them and finishing the story, I have found works pretty well. That is about the only thing that I found that works, as in a lot of cases, they are really talking to themselves (just remembering out loud). The only other that worked, was just walking away.

SteveinMN

11-1-12, 12:09pm

SQ, I'm assuming these are not stories he's repeating to a fresh audience -- and that they're old only because you're the common element in all of these interactions.

How is this guy in other verbal interactions? Does he seem to listen to what you say and react appropriately? Or does it seem you need a 2x4 to get a word in edgewise or to make sure he's hearing what you're saying. And, speaking of hearing, how's his? 55 is not too young for hearing loss that makes it easy to miss more-subtle clues. Or you really may need to direct the conversation more strongly when you've heard the story before. Get up, if you can and change the topic (you may have to do this more than once per occasion) or even the activity.

You have strong reservations about a more-committed relationship. If this habit is not be something you learn/care to ignore, nothing more may develop anyway. So IMHO you really don't lose a lot by sitting down with your friend and telling him that this particular habit is not something you find endearing. Your friend either will choose to work on it or he won't -- and you will decide if you can live with it or not.

KayLR

11-1-12, 12:27pm

I like Peggy's advice---I know several chatty people like you are describing. I think they talk so much to so many people, they forget to whom they've told the stories and repeat alot that way.

goldensmom

11-1-12, 12:39pm

I have several 'repetitive' story tellers in my life and I usually just listen while thinking 'I believed you the first 10 times you told me that story'. I like what Peggy said and might try it next time I'm in that position.

Spartana

11-1-12, 1:16pm

I like Peggy's advice---I know several chatty people like you are describing. I think they talk so much to so many people, they forget to whom they've told the stories and repeat alot that way.

I also found this to be the case with chatty people - or people who have a large group of friends. They just don't remember who they told the story to already! But what's worrisome about SQ's guy is that he doesn't stop telling the story when she (gently) reminds him she already heard it. I think most people would stop and say "oh yeah, that's right. I forgot I already told you that story" and would probably remember it next time he starts to tell it to her again. So not sure what's up with that at all. Hearing loss? early dementia? self-involved? Asbergers? Could be anything! I would probably talk to him a bit more forceful next time he starts to repeats a story and see if that helps. It doesn't sound like she's very invested in the relationship romanticly (nor does it sound like he is either) so if he was offended and ended the relationship she may not really care much.

Karma

11-5-12, 1:44pm

Since you are just friends with a little kissing and you don't want anything more I would tell the truth. You may be doing him a big favor.

Float On

11-5-12, 1:56pm

Peggy said it well.

I have been guilty of telling my husband he needs to go out and have a few new experiences because I've heard some of the same stories for 22 years. (bad unsupportive wife, I know...)

JaneV2.0

11-5-12, 2:34pm

It will only get worse. Trust your instincts.

catherine

11-5-12, 2:54pm

Oh, yes, we've all been victims. I tend to do what SimpleL said--I'll say "Oh, yeah, I remember you saying that.." Maybe he'll get the message.

At this point in my life I'm trying to be aware of the same shortcoming--so I'll say "Stop me if I've already told you this" but I'm afraid that my friends and family are too polite to actually stop me.

SiouzQ.

11-5-12, 7:11pm

Lol! I just remembered to come back here and reread my original post and the replies (thank you everyone)! What struck me was that when I wrote that I was heavily in the throws of PMS and feeling rather grumpy (it was also after I had 3 mini candy bars and a bowl of ice cream on Halloween and I was struggling with a sugar crash! All of which reminds me never to make an important decision while in PMS, period (no pun intended).

His little quirk, at this point, is pretty minor. And as I said before, we are just dating occasionally, nothing super-serious so I am choosing to just let it go and if it comes up again and annoys me, I'll probably somehow call him out on it kindly. There are far worse things to be concerned about!

SiouzQ.

11-9-12, 12:59pm

Argh, he started doing it again last night! We were hanging out at the jam last night, and for about the 5th time he pulls out his I-Phone and shows me that he changed his Facebook profile picture to his high school graduation picture from the '70's when he was a hippie and had long hair (he WAS really cute then). Thing is, he is always changing his Facebook profile picture around and always re-uploads this particular one. This picture is probably close to 40 years old and I have seen it and commented on it on Facebook over the past few months and yet he thinks it is new to me! He even showed it to me when I went over to his house for the first time a few weeks ago! I'm thinking, yes, you were hot in high school but get over it already! I just don't know what he wants from me and he doesn't voice it either. I think we have a pretty bad communication problem once you get past the surface stuff...

I just don't know how to deal with this; I'm finding I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with him and don't know what to do about it. I am not very good at communicating my feelings either; it is a big shortcoming I have. I am more the type to cut my losses and move on, but he is a really nice and sweet guy and very attentive in many ways to me but something is just not really clicking and I don't know if it's the unhealthy part of me that is saying to move on or if I want to try and grow up a little regarding dealing with relationships. I just hate to hurt anyone's feelings by pointing out a trait of theirs that is really annoying! Is that doing them a favor? And now I'm rambling...

JaneV2.0

11-9-12, 1:09pm

...

I just don't know how to deal with this; I'm finding I'm becoming increasingly annoyed with him and don't know what to do about it. I am not very good at communicating my feelings either; it is a big shortcoming I have. I am more the type to cut my losses and move on, but he is a really nice and sweet guy and very attentive in many ways to me but something is just not really clicking and I don't know if it's the unhealthy part of me that is saying to move on or if I want to try and grow up a little regarding dealing with relationships. I just hate to hurt anyone's feelings by pointing out a trait of theirs that is really annoying! Is that doing them a favor? And now I'm rambling...

What I said before. Thinking something to death has never served me well. Stay tuned to your instincts. I doubt one trait is key here.

CathyA

11-9-12, 1:15pm

He's not going to change. I agree with Jane..........there are probably other things that don't sit right with you. I think you need to give permission to yourself to let him go, if his negatives outway his positives.
Maybe he's not thinking of you as a permanent relationship? I think you are not giving yourself permission to not like someone, and making it into a defect on your part. (not being patient, etc.).
Maybe I'm reading too much of how I was when I was younger, into your situation. But I'm getting the feeling you really don't like him that much (no matter how sweet he might be).

iris lily

11-9-12, 3:14pm

Argh, he started doing it again last night! ...and yet he thinks it is new to me! ... I'm thinking, yes, you were hot in high school but get over it already! I just don't know what he wants from me and he doesn't voice it either. I think we have a pretty bad communication problem once you get past the surface stuff...

This would be deeply boring to me.

I'm not a social worker. I'm not gonna, in this sitch, analyze why he does this. I would just really cut back on contact with him.

Now, to reassure you: there are good men who are fun and interesting. Do not equate Good man=boring-but-nice-to-me, Bad man=interesting-but-bad-for-me.

For me, it's about making me laugh. If they cannot make me laugh at all they would be toast.

Bad men can be fun for a short time, but there's no practical reason to invest a lot in them.

JaneV2.0

11-9-12, 3:39pm

Words of wisdom. Humorless bores can look elsewhere.

SiouzQ.

11-10-12, 12:06pm

Oh dear, I think somehow I made my friend out to be an insufferable ogre and bore, which is really NOT the case at all! I do like this guy, but I am trying to figure out if I REALLY *like* him, as we seem to be at a juncture where we have been dating fairly casually for a while yet I am not sure where it is going. I am very ambivelent about being in a committed relationship and I am okay with that. Thing is (and this may be too much info), I have been celibate for a few years and have recently decided I don't want to be celibate anymore so I am trying to figure out if this is the guy to, hmmm, break out with. Somehow it feels like it could cause a very big entanglement, due to our mutual friends who think we make a great couple. I don't have much time this morning to think this post out very thoroughly, but I think what I'd really like at this point in my life is a "friends with benefits" kind of deal...

Miss Cellane

11-10-12, 12:12pm

I'd use this issue as a litmus test. Talk to him about it and see how he reacts. That will tell you a lot about his personality and character and maybe give you the information you need to decide if you want to pursue the relationship further or keep it just friends.

iris lily

11-10-12, 3:11pm

The Storyteller

11-10-12, 3:42pm

I never get tired of a good story, well told.

iris lily

11-10-12, 3:57pm

I never get tired of a good story, well told.

ha ha ha. Well. I think that this guy doesn't have good content or delivery, so he is not entertaining.

SiouzQ.

11-10-12, 9:56pm

Lol, Iris Lily! Actually, this guy DOES have good content and good delivery and for the most part, the stories are quite humorous the first and second time around. I've even suggested he try doing the Moth story hour. I think it's just that he really, really likes to "hog the floor" at times and it can start to annoy me.

I've been thinking a lot about the different relationships I've been in in the past and about the type of guys who really turn my head. I freely admit it is unerringly the "bad boys" who strike my fancy and I am used to knowing how to handle them some what. Unfortunately, I get bored with straight-laced men as I have had in the past and have a very free-spirited life and many, many interesting experiences, though some of them were not always good for me in the long run. I had a therapist who said I should look for a "Reformed Bad Boy" and when it comes down to it, this man IS RBB (he's been sober for 17 years or so). He's got a lot of baggage, like we all do, but I'm not sure that is really what is causing my reticence. I think that I really like my life the way it is; I like that I can come and go exactly as I please and not have to factor in anyone else's plans unless I really want to. However, it would be nice to get a little nookie now and then ;)

JaneV2.0

11-10-12, 11:23pm

This is tricky because people tend to get possessive once the deed is done. I have no advice here.

SteveinMN

11-11-12, 12:43pm

This is tricky because people tend to get possessive once the deed is done. I have no advice here.
Yeah, FwB is tough to negotiate. Even if you manage to negotiate a common understanding at the beginning, people's feelings can change, sometimes based on the slightest of perceived indications ("She hasn't been with a guy in years, but she wants me!"). Very few people I know have ever balanced that successfully. And, actually, in the case I know best, they ended up getting married anyway (and not because they had to). :)