View Full Version : Long distance dating.
Would you have a long distance dating relationship? How far would you go and how often would you need to see each other, for the relationship to work? Would you do that only for a serious, long term "it's definetly going somewhere" kind of relationship or a more casual "we just started dating and not sure where it's going yet" kind of relationship?
I'm in a somewhat long term relationship that has also become a long distance one now that I live 100 miles away so am not sure how that will work - especially when I am gone several months each year (usually only a month or less at one time, but several times a year, which he is totally OK with). Because I'm not working, I'm free to come down here where he lives (also near the sis) any time I want. But if I decide to stay living in my town I doubt I'll want to do that long drive very often -and I'm sure he might eventully feel the same. So what about you? Would you have a long distance dating relationship?
Moot now, because I'm married, but I did have one in college. I met the man just before he graduated, and it continued for a year plus. I think it worked as long as it did because he relocated to a new area, and so the security of having someone back home was a good thing. I don't think it ever would have worked had he already had his own life in his new location. He was a 6 hour drive away which also made a difference. I think a 2 hour drive is doable if done once or twice a month (assuming he reciprocates to where you are). Why not wait until it DOES become a problem before punting instead of walking away now- what have you got to lose?
I personally would only do this if I thought it was going somewhere. Under an hour, yes, just casual is fine, but more than an hour I have to think it has potential.
This is very dependent upon the individuals and what they each need/want from the relationship.
I've had one that didn't work out in the end.
And I married the other one :) It makes one really appreciate the time you do have together. The actually date of various holidays no longer matters, only the time when the two of you choose to celebrate.
My first marriage was preceded by a long-distance relationship. Personally, I would not recommend them -- and not just because we ended up divorced.
The problem is that you miss a lot of opportunities to get to know each other under all circumstances. My ex- and I lived half a country away from each other. We would see each other for a long weekend or so about every six weeks, we spent an hour/hour-and-a-half on the phone weekly, and we wrote lots of letters (this was before the consumer Internet). But we still missed the days when each of us had to sit down and figure out our skimpy finances. We missed seeing how each other functioned after sleepless nights or trying days. There just were so many things we didn't learn about each other despite "dating" for three years before the wedding. It's easy to keep your place clean for the 72 hours your love is in town and not fuzz up the time with laundry or odd work shifts. Not to say the distance was the only reason things did not work out between us. But I suspect if we'd spent more real time together over those three years, we would have figured out that marrying each other was not a good idea.
That's one reason why, when i was ready to date seriously again, I really tried to keep to a radius of no more than a 30-40 minute drive. That made it easier/possible to get together often for dinner or a video or ... whatever, even on a work night. My wife and I spent a lot of time with each other before we got serious, on good days and bad. I got to meet her friends and we did fun things and boring things. So life after marriage was not a huge surprise. I'm much more comfortable with the way this worked out.
I've had three long-distance relationships. The good part is the anticipation of seeing each other when we traveled to meet or one traveled to see the other. The bad part is that you don't really get to know the person that well as together time is all in bits. At this point, I won't date someone unless they are within 50 miles of my home.
I see things the same way SteveMN does. Having had both kinds of relationships, for me living together works way best--you get to learn from each other, each other's best traits. But I have a friend who does best with a long-distance relationship--they both have fulfilling work and friends where they are, and have been in a relationship about ten years now and are crazy about each other. They got together when they were about 45.
awakenedsoul
11-1-12, 9:38pm
I had a long distance relationship for a short time. I was working in Vegas, and he lived in LA. We didn't know each other very well. I left an unhappy work situation and moved in with him way too soon. I regret it. He turned out to have all kinds of addiction problems. It was very unhealthy.
But, I say to follow your heart. I fell madly in love with a man in Vienna and then I had to leave with the show I was in to go to Paris. He didn't want a long distance relationship and I was devastated. But, the time in Vienna was the happiest time of my life. And the most romantic. Are you in love with him?
I had two long distance relationships. The first, he was in the army and stationed in GA. He thought he saw me on base and went running up to 'me' only 'me' was someone who looked just like me (I've seen photos).....they ended up married three weeks later. The 2nd I was engaged to a man that was in NM while I was in MO (we had met while working together in D.C.). We were madly in love long distance (lots of phone calls and long letters) and then we'd find a way to have a week-end together and I couldn't stand him by the end of the weekend. We finally realized that we weren't meant to be together and we are friends to this day.
I've tried them and found they really didn't work, either for me or for the man (men, actually). Of course, I was younger then and really looking for a life partner. I'm married now so it's a moot point. If for some reason I found myself single again, I would only bother with it if I really felt it had the potential to go somewhere and I knew the fellow would either be willing to move to where I was, or he lived in a place I would enjoy living. I personally wouldn't enter into a long-term, long-distance relationship...no way. It would not be fulfilling for me in any way.
dado potato
11-2-12, 2:39am
A hundred miles is about right: 50 miles each to the rendezvous.
And if the mid-point is Sauk Centre MN, well! Ya can't beat the Palmer House!
I am married, so it is "moot" for me, too. But I think I would only attempt it if it was serious and I really loved and trusted the person. And even then, it would take a lot of effort to make it work--letters, phone calls, emails, little gifts in the mail, etc. I know that sounds super needy--just being honest. I value time and affection and would need to somehow make up for the physical distance. That is just one reason why my husband works a day shift when he could earn more money working swings! ;)
shadowmoss
11-2-12, 9:40am
Depends on what you are each looking for. I've had many, many long distance relationships. For me, the long distance ones work well (hmmm, may have to rethink that one...) If you aren't looking for a 'partner' or a relationship that has to 'go someplace' relationship-wise, it can work. I enjoyed having my life, and having someone to meet up and do fun things together a couple of times a month. I also enjoyed just going home and vegging by myself and not having to deal with another person's quirks, needs, finances, etc. most of the time. A hundred miles is about right. I dated a guy from Huntsville, AL for awhile when I lived in Nashville, TN. That was about the perfect distance. Unfortunately, he was looking for someone to marry (which wasn't me!), and married the next woman he dated. At this point, Honduras is too far away from guys who are interested in the same things I am for me to even be looking.
Thanks for your input guys! I've been seeing this guy for over a year but we lived close by for most of that (when I wasn't off travelling) and had a comfortable relationship with lots of time together and many, many shared activities. However, being as I'm not really ready to settle down right now (if ever!), I don't think it's fair to either of us to stay together unless we can live closer to each other. So I think that the relationship will fall to the wayside - unless I move back down near him (sis and I might buy a place together in that area in the upcoming months) - s I'm not big on long distance relationships (had a long distance marriage and hated it). But there are other issues too - mainly I want to travel more often and would like to be with someone who can go with me. But he's quite a bit younger then me and has at least 20 years before he retires so won't be free to do that.
Looks like I'll be moving back "down the hill" from the mountains in a couple of months as sis and I bought a house together. So will be able to continue seeing the BF. Yay! Well... until I decide to fly off to some exotic locale and not come back for a long while :-)! I need to find me a non-working man who can come with me :-)!!
Wow Spartana, that was quick. I assume it was too good to pass up and will be a good investment for you and still allow you to travel.
Tussiemussies
11-7-12, 4:08pm
Looks like I'll be moving back "down the hill" from the mountains in a couple of months as sis and I bought a house together. So will be able to continue seeing the BF. Yay! Well... until I decide to fly off to some exotic locale and not come back for a long while :-)! I need to find me a non-working man who can come with me :-)!!
Glad you will be able to still see your boyfriend. Maybe you'll be able to tell if you are more compatible and make a clearer decision about your relationship. It seems like you are happy to still see him. If you weren't happy with him you would have broken it off even though you'll be able to see him again. I might be wrong though, but just a thought.
Wow Spartana, that was quick. I assume it was too good to pass up and will be a good investment for you and still allow you to travel.
We have been talking about it for well over a year. There is even a long thread about it somewhere in these forums - either here in "Family" or in the "Housing" forum - so it isn't really new or fast. We've been looking at places for several months off and on since she's was going to sell her tiny place and get a bigger place even if I didn't want to go in on it with her. But she found a place she liked that was in a good area, for a good price so I kind of made a fast decision even though I had been pondering it for quite awhile.
Glad you will be able to still see your boyfriend. Maybe you'll be able to tell if you are more compatible and make a clearer decision about your relationship. It seems like you are happy to still see him. If you weren't happy with him you would have broken it off even though you'll be able to see him again. I might be wrong though, but just a thought.
Yeah I'm kind of committment-phobic to put it mildly :-)! I really like him - and he feels the same - but I'm just not ready for anything more right now. Maybe never will be. The "exclusive dating without any long term commitment" thing seems to suit me well.
Tussiemussies
11-7-12, 4:41pm
Yeah I'm kind of committment-phobic to put it mildly :-)! I really like him - and he feels the same - but I'm just not ready for anything more right now. Maybe never will be. The "exclusive dating without any long term commitment" thing seems to suit me well.
Well it sounds like you know what you want! That is great...
Well it sounds like you know what you want! That is great...
Even if things don't work out we'll remain friends as we have lots in common and he's a great person. And it'll be nice to live close to my other friends again as that is something that seems to become more and more important as I get older - especially when I have no other family besides my sister. Then friendships become even more important.
Yeah I'm kind of committment-phobic to put it mildly :-)! I really like him - and he feels the same - but I'm just not ready for anything more right now. Maybe never will be. The "exclusive dating without any long term commitment" thing seems to suit me well.
That would be me. I've never felt the need to "buy the cow" as that insulting old saying goes.
Well, my DH and I always joke about the fact that our marriage has lasted because I travel all the time.
Maybe a grain of truth in that (said from the airport lounge 1000 miles from home).
awakenedsoul
11-7-12, 5:31pm
That's great news! Congratulations! Where did you buy? It sounds like everything came together. I'm glad you will be close to your friends. I know what you mean about needing that more as you get older.
That's great news! Congratulations! Where did you buy? It sounds like everything came together. I'm glad you will be close to your friends. I know what you mean about needing that more as you get older.
In the western coastal part of O.C. - Huntington Beach/Seal Beach/Westminster area about 3 miles from the beachs in both Huntington and seal Beach and Belmont Shores.
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