View Full Version : My very ill sister & nephew...
My sister is incredibly dysfunctional. I have clearly lost all empathy for her situation... she asked me over to help get her house in order for her adult daughter returning, "so she doesn't run screaming from the house", and it was so awful I don't think I can go back there again. Her addicted son has completely trashed the house. Nothing in the house is worth saving - literally all of the furnishings need to go to the dump, and much of both of their clothing. All the walls need to be patched, have a new knockdown finish on the sheetrock & be painted. Many of the windows are cracked & need to be replaced, and all the interior doors are trashed - I removed one that had more holes than door left. The carpet is beyond belief filthy. The kitchen is functional, but she has literally never washed or replaced the filter in her hood, and it's been there for over a decade. It is caked with grease, and is a fire hazard.
This is a woman with an advanced degree, internationally traveled, speaks 5 languages, holds a responsible job (as a mental health professional!!), and if she were my client from my social worker days & had young children in that house, I'd report her to CPS for child endangerment. I wish I had done that when the kids were younger, as this is not new, but it's getting so much worse.
Her son has drug paraphernalia all over the house. He trashed one bedroom so badly that he abandoned it for another, and is surrounded by junk, filthy clothing, bongs, and God knows what else. He grinds his cigarettes out on bed-frames and other furniture, which is the main reason that the not yet broken pieces need to get dumped. When we were sorting out what needed to go and I kept telling her that it all needed to go to the dump, she freaked out and started shrieking about how much her son (who was in the next room) had destroyed her home. It's true; and she keeps taking him back in.
I left deeply shaken, and fearing for her physical safety. I tried to engage my nephew in helping, & he just said "not while she's here", which I understand, as her shrieking triggers his shame. She has always freaked out at her kids like that; I considered trying to get custody of them when they were little. I think he has been seriously damaged by her verbal & emotional abuse. I fear he will snap one of these days and hurt her - he is large & a 20 year old, she is very small.
All in all, I am trying to decide what if anything I can do... first, go back to Al-Anon, to de-escalate my own anxiety around all this. Should I try an intervention? It would be me & my niece, who is incredibly highly functional. She lives on the East Coast now, and will be home for the holidays. It's been over a year since she lived in this house, and it's gotten so much worse. She hasn't lived there since the disclosure of her brother's heroin addiction, and though she's seen him, I think it's going to be a shock for her.
I really appreciate being able to say this all to someone besides my DH. It is so distressing to me to see people I love live in such squalor and misery. I do so wonder what happened in our family of origin that each of us adult kids has some kind of major life dysfunction. Thank goodness we have educations, otherwise we'd all be living in abject misery. I'm really glad I never bore children.
Oh gosh Redfox.........I'm so sorry to hear about this! Maybe this sounds callous, but I think your sis has made her bed, so to speak. Sometimes we have to let people go, and not feel guilty for not "changing" them.
Your sis sounds pretty toxic, and I'd hate to see you drawn into her misery. For some reason, she has not been able to keep her son on track. She has made herself a victim.
I'm sorry if this is pretty pessimistic, but at this stage of the game, I'm not sure there's much you can do or should have to do.
I'm really sorry.
((((Hugs))))
SteveinMN
11-11-12, 12:56pm
I, too, am sorry that this is happening, redfox. I am glad you feel comfortable enough around this group to mention the situation.
I'm no psychologist and I didn't even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but my wife is a social worker and I've heard enough (anonymized) "war stories" to know that your sister and nephew are beyond the help of just you and your niece/her daughter, no matter how well-meaning you both are. These people are industrial-grade dysfunctional and they need professional help (as well as the willingness to change, but that's entirely up to them). Maybe the best help you can offer is to line up the names and phone numbers of some local agencies or health providers who could offer them the counseling/chemical-dependency treatment/whatever they need (individually or together). But, for the sake of your own sanity, I would not get involved further unless asked and unless you felt qualified and willing to do what was being asked. I think I also would think twice about reintroducing your niece to the situation. Maybe you could offer to put her up while she's in town?
I agree with the above answers. I work full time with court ordered inpatient mental health patients. We get lots of the co-occuring population too. If their lives are in danger from the living situation, you could explore a court order for treatment, depending in your state laws. But otherwise, you need to take care of yourself and suggest treatment when they ask for help. Your sisters first step is to live separately from her son. Maybe you could take her along to al-anon when she is ready.
awakenedsoul
11-11-12, 1:26pm
This sounds like some of my neighbors. It's very sad. No wonder you were feeling depressed. I would take good care of yourself and warn your niece. Maybe she can make other arrangements so she can stay in a nice B&B or something. I find it's helpful to meet with addicted family members on neutral ground, not in their home. Your sister's career choice is ironic. What helps me is to stay focused on my own responsibilities and goals. Vigorous physical exercise helps to discharge negative energy. Whenever I see a home like hers, I know there is abuse. It's like a tornado of dark energy. I would stay away from there.
Gardenarian
11-11-12, 1:53pm
How dreadful. I'm so sorry. What exactly is your sister's problem? I mean, is she depressed or addicted?
If a lifeguard saw someone drowning, what would s/he be trained to do? Keep well back, offer a lifebuoy and wait until the drowning victim lost consciousness. You cannot help until then.
It sounds so cruel to state it this bluntly, but as tragic as this may be and awful for you to witness, there is nothing more that you can do.
Yeah, I agree with the others. Call the health department (or something like social services) and tell them what you know and then leave it to them to help your sister/nephew (if possible) and back away.
You have your own mental health to think about and you are too close to these people to try and help them and do so without paying a major emotional cost. The social workers can do what can be done. What can't be done, can't be done. Your sister is a multi-degreed, multilingual grown woman after all. She must be willing to help herself before anyone else can help her. You can't make her want to help herself.
If a lifeguard saw someone drowning, what would s/he be trained to do? Keep well back, offer a lifebuoy and wait until the drowning victim lost consciousness.
That's not actually what lifeguards are trained to do. But they are TRAINED. This is just about a caring woman worried about her sister.
domestic goddess
11-11-12, 3:25pm
I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the other posters. You really cannot help those who aren't yet ready to change and haven't asked for help. Don't let them drag you down into the mire with them. Be ready to suggest help if they ask; otherwise just say that you have other obligations when your sister wants you to do her housework for free. She needs to find the strength to deal with her son; right now she is giving him permission to trash her house and her life. I can't imagine how that will happen, given the current situation, but please don't jump in here feet first. You will end up being the bad guy, no matter what.
BTW, furniture that has cigarette burns on the frame need not necessarily be dumped, but I imagine that cleanliness of the furniture is an issue. However, that was probably overwhelming for your sister to hear. Don't ruin your holidays and possibly your own peace of mind by getting involved in the craziness of your sister and her family.
I don't see that there is anything you can do. Your sister holds all the cards. She doesn't have to put up with her son yet she chooses to. She chooses to live in squalor. Don't get sucked into it.
(I too have family that I have had to just walk away from to keep my own self, home, & family from being sucked into the vortex of their choices.)
I would help with the house cleaning (maybe in a hazmat suit)--because what are relatives for if not to help--but at some point I would be compelled to figuratively shake her and make her see what she's surrounded by. Probably hopeless, but I would have my say. I can't imagine living with a violently out of control addict; I think that would make anyone crazy. She's probably dissociating in a big way.
fidgiegirl
11-11-12, 4:42pm
I agree with making sure the DNiece knows she can stay with you. If she is shocked by the condition of the home, it would be awful for that to be a trigger for her and for her to start sliding, especially if she's feeling trapped into having to stay there when it's unsafe.
I struggle with whether to help with the house with my parents. They won't face the underlying issues, just want to "tidy up" a bit around piles and piles of stuff. There is no tidying. Same here - if everything is ruined and garbage, no amount of "housecleaning" will do it. It's just wasting everybody's time.
RUN to Al-Anon . . . keep coming back here . . . has this been part of your own recent mental health challenges, or is this now something new heaped on the pile? ((((redfox))))
This is so terrible for you. Sending good thoughts.
How dreadful. I'm so sorry. What exactly is your sister's problem? I mean, is she depressed or addicted?
She's codependent; addicited to her drug addicted son & his behavior. She's a miserably lonely single mom who escaped an abusive marriage and struggled to raise her kids by herself. And she is depressed. She is also a MHP, the person licensed by the state to determine if someone is legally detainable for mental health reasons! She works nights, and is incredibly kind & compassionate on her job... then comes home and it all falls apart.
I was a social worker for nearly 20 years, and worked with abusive families. Probably because I came from one myself. I burned out and left that profession many years ago. I recognize the craziness in her home, and it freaks me out, probably due to how much I recognize, and my own codependency.
Fidgiegirl, I think depression & dysthymia run in our family. This particular situation isn't new, per se, it's just gotten worse. My sister's life has always been very chaotic, and she is borderline suicidal pretty consistently. We talk every day, and I've made many no self-harm contracts with her. She delayed telling me about her sons's heroin addiction for a year after finding out, because she knew I'd freak out. That is due to my own codependency, which is about trying to rescue my little sister. I've been worried about her & tried to protect her since we were in high school; she was very depressed then & I always worried that she'd kill herself.
She's had pretty horrific things happen in her household. I believe she thinks she's practicing harm reduction by allowing her abusive, addicted son to continue to live with her. She did kick him out once, and he slept under the apple tree on her front lawn in the rain, and in the back of a truck a friend left on the property. She eventually took him back in when he repaid his sister for the money he had stolen from her. He's done thousands upon thousands of dollars of damage to her home, and stolen a lot of money from her as well.
I think he needs to be in jail. She did have him arrested when he pulled a knife on her when he was 16. I suspect he is mentally ill, perhaps sociopathic. His shame is so deep that he freaks out whenever anyone calls him on his behavior. It's so hard to believe that this is the darling boy I have adored... I feel like that boy has died, and someone I am afraid of has taken his form. And he is slowly killing my sister...
I cannot imagine turning my own child out to live on the streets, so I get that she is in a very difficult situation. I also cannot imagine being so codependent as to allow another person to take my own life away, however slowly. I fled an abusive marriage years ago, and it took time to heal from it.
I am interviewing therapists for myself currently, and will bring this into therapy. I really appreciate the solace I get from your words.
awakenedsoul
11-11-12, 5:39pm
I see a lot of this in my neighbors with their drug addicted sons. It's exactly as you described. The mothers usually go into denial. I'm sure they have a lot of grief and shame, as well. If it helps, you are not alone. I think we all have family members with severe addictions and the repercussions. I just read a very inspiring book called Lies My Mother Told Me by Kaylie Jones. It's about her life with alcoholic parents. She really writes with humor and wit. It's an inspiring read. I got it at the library.
I am baking egg bread and roasting a chicken. I find getting grounded is the best therapy for me in dealing with toxic family situations. At least you can keep your own house clean, cook delicious meals for yourself, take a hot bath, read a good book, knit some socks, etc...Your sister has to make her own choices. I know it's hard to watch.
I agree with you--he needs to be in jail or somewhere else far, far away from your sister. And she needs a restraining order. I know we're supposed to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps and all in our new hard-nosed society, but she's clearly in way over her head. Depression can immobilize even the strongest of us. I hope for the best for her and for you.
This isn't even about the son anymore - she needs to fix herself. And the first step is her getting him out of her life so she can find the space to do that. But until she's willing to go there there is not much you can do.
What you can do is figure what you need to do for you - Al-Anon sounds like a great idea, therapy is an awesome one. Sending good thoughts your way.
I'm so sorry, my friend.
Get thee to an Al-Anon meeting if you can. Begin the process of putting on your own oxygen mask again.
This is her journey. Be there if she asks for your help getting treatment, or getting him out (keeping your own sanity in mind foremost). But you can't save her.
leslieann
11-11-12, 7:37pm
Hugs for you, redfox.
I'll add my s econd to the list of grounding activities; they are all good reminders of the boundaries between you and your sister (the ones that keep you healthy, despite how sad you may feel on her behalf). She did ask for help in tidying up; you were triggered and shocked by what you found. Offering your niece a safe place to decompress during her visit would perhaps be a kindness. And getting and keeping your support systems up and running is critical..but I know you know that.
What a difficult situation. To meditate and send healing thoughts and energy to your sister may also help you to be grounded and comforted. It is also something that you CAN do, when so many concrete things are really not available.
iris lily
11-11-12, 8:44pm
This is a serious matter and I don't want to make light of it. But I do always have idle curiosity about drug addicted people and why they are so hard on real estate properties. What is it about the lifestyle that causes doors and windows to be damaged? Hardwood furniture destroyed?
This morning a friend showed me photos of the interior of a house he is working on in a real estate deal. It's a mess, one of those houses where everything is strung all over the floor in all rooms, basement staircase filled up with stuff people just threw down there, months of no cleaning in the kitchen. He said "Who lives like this?" and I said "drug addicted people live like this every day" and that was before this thread.
In the ghetto neighborhood where DH and I own a couple of little houses there was a big drug raid across the street not too long ago. Now I see the skinny white girl (meth girl I suppose) still hanging out after her troupe of skinny white guy friends left, escorted by Law Enforcement. She occasionally lets her dog out to poop on my community garden but what the hell, I don't mind, he won't be there next spring, he is a goner with that Mommy he's got. Poor boy. I imagine what her house is like, but perhaps it's better now that the skinny men are gone.
I don't have any words of wisdom to offer to you but I am so sorry you have to deal with this. I will offer up prayers to you and your ability to separate yourself from the misery. I know first hand about a loved one's drug abuse (my daughter), the horrendous squalor and the types of situations she put herself in in order to feed her habit. I think the way I learned to deal with crap (aside from learning how to play guitar) was to put it in a box and compartmentalize it so I could just get on with my daily life and responsibilities. Unfortunately, I sometimes think I still tend to get stuck in that mode of being slightly disconnected from my emotions, but it was a survival technique that worked at the time.
Be good to yourself and do not let yourself feel guilty about taking care of yourself first.
This is a serious matter and I don't want to make light of it. But I do always have idle curiosity about drug addicted people and why they are so hard on real estate properties. What is it about the lifestyle that causes doors and windows to be damaged? Hardwood furniture destroyed?
This morning a friend showed me photos of the interior of a house he is working on in a real estate deal. It's a mess, one of those houses where everything is strung all over the floor in all rooms, basement staircase filled up with stuff people just threw down there, months of no cleaning in the kitchen. He said "Who lives like this?" and I said "drug addicted people live like this every day" and that was before this thread.
In the ghetto neighborhood where DH and I own a couple of little houses there was a big drug raid across the street not too long ago. Now I see the skinny white girl (meth girl I suppose) still hanging out after her troupe of skinny white guy friends left, escorted by Law Enforcement. She occasionally lets her dog out to poop on my community garden but what the hell, I don't mind, he won't be there next spring, he is a goner with that Mommy he's got. Poor boy. I imagine what her house is like, but perhaps it's better now that the skinny men are gone.
It is freaking tragic, IMHO. And, real estate is only the most visible indicator of this damage. Cars, people, brains & bodies also catch the havoc. Causes: many drugs, including alcohol, cause the frontal lobe to be shut down, which is where the judgement function operates. Also, anger. I have witnessed intense anger coming from my nephew, as well as the results of his intense anger. I believe it's rooted in intense shame, and rather than punch a person, he shoots up & punches walls, doors, etc. It's a form of acting out that is a demonstrable plea for containment. Small children want to be held when they are freaking out, even if the they battle it, it reassures them. Adult children in addiction cry out for the same, and containment is usually the prison system.
I also believe my nephew is furious with his mother, in that way that small children get furious when they do not get their basic needs met. Except he is a furious, acting out 2-3 year old in a large adult male body. Scary sh*t indeed. And, the drug he uses, heroin, is preventing his frontal lobe from fully mylinating, so he is literally doing brain damage that is irretrievable. One of the reasons that long term addicts cannot recover; they have destroyed their adult brain function.
Blackdog Lin
11-11-12, 9:22pm
I also have no words of wisdom.....but I will send my prayers.
Been there, done that. Our family situation turned out okay, after 10 years of hell.....but it was a near thing.
Seriously, sending prayers up into the universe for your and your family's healing.....
catherine
11-11-12, 9:52pm
I am so sorry, redfox. I know how insidious addiction is. It's a nightmare and a horror. You are doing all you can be being supportive without enabling. Going back to Al-Anon for a bit of a booster shot might not be a bad idea.
chrisgermany
11-12-12, 6:14am
Hugs to you.
As others wrote, please give a warning to your niece so that she can make other sleeping arrangements for her visit, if only as back up solution.
She might feel better if she knows that she does not have to sleep / shower / eat there out of necessity and has another place to go to if she needs some rest from this mess.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you and your loved ones are going through such a hard time right now, Redfox. Poor mental health is contagious, and like you say, extends all over the place, affecting communities, generations of children who beget other children, animals, property, professional advancement, marriages, and everything else. Be gentle with yourself, get to Al-Anon, and know that we are here to support you, if only through cyberspace. The sentiments are real, even though you can't see us in real life.
Reflecting on your process is deeply enlightening to me. Thank you for sharing it. As all have said, the best that you can do is take care of yourself, and help out within the appropriate boundaries for that. Otherwise, you have to learn to let it go -- and that is possible, even though it's crappy.
Your paragraph about holding, containment, shame, and anger was really enlightening. Both DH and SIL have a lot of shame and anger. So also do my MIL and FIL. And, of course, because they splinter, it all ended up on their kids. And, they still do it.
Today, Dh had a skype call with his mother. He said "you seem upset" at one point, and she said "these days, I'm always upset." The conversation continued on, because had DH offered any advice or anything (ie, get therapy), she would shoot it down and attack him -- afterall, his moving to NZ and stealing her grandson is the reason she's chronically upset, and if he would just move back (and be a good, right boy to his mother), then all would be solved, right?
yeah. . .
Anyway, in terms of that paragraph, what a thing we saw today. Besides the usual shenanigans, this was a doosie.
DS is a bit sick (whooping cough going through the school; his girlfirend has a cold; and then he played with baby edith who had chicken pox, so we aren't sure what he has right now). He's just feeling very cuddly.
Today, he had the choice (because he seemed so unwell) of movies or swimming. He opted for movies. Bless his heart, he said "Movies, because I just want some peace today."
We get to the office and I tidy the room, set up lunch, get on skype to skype with my parents. DS doesn't want to skype, and asks me to go to the other room because he "just wants to peace, and skype stresses you guys out." He's so cute. I agree, and tell him to get me if he wants me.
Ds wants to quietly play lego -- no problem. I chat with my parents for an hour. Half-way through, DS asks for a cuddle, and I hold him for the rest of the hour while talking with my parents. DS neither looks at nor says a word to them. My parents don't mind. They understand that he's not feeling well. I share some DS stories with them, and DS tells me when he's had enough of me repeating stories about him (two stories), and we change the subject.
Then, DH returns and he has his lunch and DS goes back to playing lego because DH will be getting on with ILs and I'm heading in to teach a yoga class. DS wants some peace. He has his lunch in that room, but he hasn't touched it (he's *really* not feeling well). Dh gets on with MIL, and MIL asks where DS is. DH tells her that he's in his room, quietly playing lego, that he's not feeling well.
As ever, MIL *demands* that DS be forced to "be polite" to her and say hello. This is against our parenting policy (lots of reasons). She knows this. She gets angry at DH for being a "soft" parent and "spoiling" DS. COnversation goes on into other area's of MIL's Greatest Shaming Rants as well as two deft manipulation triangles (shifting both from persecutor to victim in one easy dance move!). Dh identifies and deflects.
Then, DS comes out to get a cuddle. He gently asks DH for that cuddle, and doesn't say hi to MIL. MIL shames DS. DS says "I just want some peace." That's it, so sweetly. DH says that they can cuddle, and DH will continue to talk to MIL if that is ok. DS says that's ok, as long as he doesn't have to talk to MIL, because he just wants some peace.
MIL gets a bit cranky, but DH changes the subject.
After about 3 minutes, MIL tells DH "i think you can put him down now. he doesn't need to be held." DH asserted that he would continue to hold his son as long as they both wanted, that there aren't timers on things, and it's certainly not harming anyone to continue to cuddle. MIL gets upset and starts fussing and going into victim mode, and DS has a big sigh and just says again "I just want some peace."
At this point, I finish teaching class, say goodbye to everyone, and DS and I go into his room and set up his video and cuddle for a good two hours watching his videos. DH is seriously shaken from the call, gives me the report (above), and then heads to the gym.
He's so fussed up that when he returns, he has a meltdown at the mess in DS's room -- a bit of food mess on the desk, some paper cut into ribbons that DS wanted to work on and i allowed it. I told DH to calm down because DS just wants peace and he wasn't doing anything wrong, and it's easy enough to tidy away before we go. DH just starts fussing about how he "always has to do everything!" which is of course not true, and I tell him to stop transferring, because it's unfair to DS.
DH apologizes, and then DS watches more cartoons on his own (he said he needed some privacy), and then fell asleep in his chair (so sweet). DH and I chatted about his mom and stuff after.
Reading about not being held in that paragraph, and then what DH experienced today with his mother, it's no doubt that he wasn't contained very well when little, since apparently holding has time limits. Strange stuff. Scary stuff.
I don't really know how we're going to handle this holiday.
mtnlaurel
11-12-12, 7:24am
Dear Redfox, my heart aches for you. You and your family are in my prayers.
Addiction is a very cruel master.
I too would would strongly encourage you to add Al-Anon in the mix.... if the meetings/groups are good ones.
rodeosweetheart
11-12-12, 9:17pm
Ah, Redfox, so sorry that you are burdened with this right now.
I know you are battling depression, so is there is any way to disengage from the drama and pain at your sister's house, and turn them over to your higher power to care for? I am thinking that you need to be extra careful of your own boundaries right now, and try to keep your stress level as low as possible.
I would tell my sister that I can't help out at the house, since it is upsetting to you.
Perhaps this is a situation best approached through prayer and releasing them to the higher power?
pony mom
11-13-12, 12:34am
My family is in a similar situation with my sister. My thoughts are with you. Just let your niece know what's going on and offer her a safe place to stay. It stinks when there's nothing you can do to change the situation, and the people involved just don't see what's obvious to everyone else.
Dear All... what wonderful words! What kind, compassionate, generous people you all are. Thank you. These responses have been balm for me. I had a looong talk with my sis today. It's always so interesting, she & I can dive deep into truth with each other. I apologized for my intensity and reactivity. She gets that it's hard for me, and she appreciated my presence. We got clear on quite a lot. And, I offered my niece our home to stay in while we're gone during part of her time home.
My sis said that her son is getting closer to going into treatment. I'll believe it when I see it. She's willing to stick by him for now; I think it's both her codependency and a harm reduction approach she's taking. She was very calm and rational today, which she can get back to pretty quickly. Deep breath.
I'm glad that you are in a good place.
I definitely know the "i'll believe it when i see it" perspective. It's basically what you have to hold on to, but I also know what codependents need to hold onto to (the hope/idea that someone will get better while simultaneously hoping not).
Amaranth
11-13-12, 10:50am
People I know who have children in this situation have set up inpatient drug treatment for them and then offered them the choice of going into drug treatment or being forceably removed from the house and going into drug treatment. In other words they could walk to the vehicle or be restrained and carried.
I don't know much about how they set all this up, other than most used phones at friends houses or work to be sure they wouldn't be overheard while doing the planning.
If you, your sister, or neice, just called the police I assume the nephew would go to jail until a treatment bed became available. So that would be less than ideal, but it seems like it would be safer for your sister, and at least get your nephew removed from the heroin.
Your niece being able to stay with you would really help her a great deal.
My family is in a similar situation with my sister. My thoughts are with you. Just let your niece know what's going on and offer her a safe place to stay. It stinks when there's nothing you can do to change the situation, and the people involved just don't see what's obvious to everyone else.
Bless you & your family, ponymom. I am sorry you recognize this... Addiction is so so difficult.
pony mom
11-13-12, 10:43pm
Bless you & your family, ponymom. I am sorry you recognize this... Addiction is so so difficult.
Thanks. We're in the "I'll believe it when I see it" boat as well. We just don't expect much anymore.
At least you were able to talk to your sister and see where she's at in all of this. After what you described about her home, I can see why she's taking a harm reduction approach right now. Maybe at a point in the near future she'll realize what his addiction is doing to her and get rid of him once and for all, whether it's kicking him out or dumping in a treatment center. She knows you'll be there for her to help pick up the pieces.
decemberlov
11-16-12, 12:14pm
Redfox, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I know this situation all too well. My brother was a heroin addict and my mother was an enabler to him for a very long time. When I was 18 and living at home with my daughter who was only a few months old he had a friend come over that overdosed in our home, thank goodness my brother had enough sense to call 911 and the paramedics showed up and saved this guys life. Luckily I was out with my daughter at the time, but this was the last straw for me. I was terrified that if I were home at the time my daughter could have been taken from me. I gave my mom the option: either she kick him out or I was leaving. She chose to not make him leave and I promptly packed my things and left with the baby. I lived at a friends house for a few months until I found my own place.
I was angry for sometime with my mom about the decision she made, forcing me to leave my home when I was just 18 and had a little one to take care of. However, she later told me, after she had finally kicked him out (maybe a year or so after this incident) that she was sorry and she knew that I was strong and would make it on my own but could not bear to not know where my brother was if she kicked him out, to not know if he was dead or alive, and although it was heartbreaking for her she felt like she needed to keep him there for her own peace of mind.
After he had moved out I came back and cleaned up his room because I couldn't bear the thought of my mother having to do it. I wont get into detail about the condition, but you already know I'm sure, and it was absolutely horrific.
My mom struggled for a very long time about practicing tough love and not enabling him any further by letting him live with her. This took lots of support groups and counceling for her to finally make this decision. Unfortunately 2 years after he left my brother passed away. It was very hard for the both of us and brought up tremendous feelings of guilt and sadness. Ultimately I know that with the path that he was on this was the only end result.
Please do the best you can to support her but also not let this effect you health and well being (Easier said than done, I know). Do you think that having her stay with you for a few days, to escape from the crazy toxic situation she is in and see how things can be different would be beneficial to her? She can't enjoy the situation she's in but sometimes it had to even imagine that there is another way to live.
Much love to you and your family, Redfox!
catherine
11-16-12, 1:13pm
Decemberlov, what a heartrending story. It is so hard not to enable, but how wonderful that your mother was able to get the counseling and help she needed in order to stop. However, it's still so tough to deal with the guilt when an addict succumbs to his/her addiction.
Sometimes, with the alcoholics in my life, I have to just concentrate on the fact that some people are not thrivers. Even though it seems like its a rule that all of nature pushes towards growth, that's not true. Sometimes things stagnate and sometimes things die.
At that point, it's not in my hands, or anyone's to determine what's to become of our loved ones--that's between them and their God.
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