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Ever since we got married, I have this insane expectation of myself to be "a good wife". I feel like I have to take care of all the housework and have dinner on the table every night, while learning how to be a frugalista and a budgetista, and a gourmet cook!
Hubby has never asked me to be anything more than I am. I must admit trying to do all this is making me tired! I have no idea how women can do all that and have kids on top of it all!
Oh how sweet. It will pass my dear.
fidgiegirl
11-19-12, 5:18pm
Interesting. Did you live with DH before you were married?
try2bfrugal
11-19-12, 5:22pm
Ever since we got married, I have this insane expectation of myself to be "a good wife". I feel like I have to take care of all the housework and have dinner on the table every night, while learning how to be a frugalista and a budgetista, and a gourmet cook!
Hubby has never asked me to be anything more than I am. I must admit trying to do all this is making me tired! I have no idea how women can do all that and have kids on top of it all!
Does your husband do half the housework and make half the meals?
Tussiemussies
11-19-12, 5:26pm
Sounds like a concept you have of what the perfect wife should be and you are trying to live up to that. Funny sometimes we don't truely know what our concept is about something until we get into a situation that brings it out. Sounds like you need to change how you think about your role as a wife and what you can change about the way you think about it.
Good luck! Christine:)
Gardenarian
11-19-12, 5:39pm
No, no! You've got to set the bar low - then he'll be thrilled when you do a load of wash!
sweetana3
11-19-12, 5:41pm
The first year of our married life was hell. We both were trying to figure out what type of husband and wife we wanted to be and there were some unexpected conflicts. Happy to report that 40 years later we are still going. But we both agree it was a difficult year.
Year 7 was also difficult but I think it was mostly work related. We went on a long vacation and found out we were fine together and that work was stressing me out.
No, no! You've got to set the bar low - then he'll be thrilled when you do a load of wash!
Gardenarian - Ha ha. So true.
I've had moments of that, citrine - only married 4 years. Luckily we're both pretty slovenly and share chores fairly well. You're just going to drive yourself crazy for no reason. And remember, don't do anything unless you're fine with doing it for the next umpteenth decades, depending on your age. Do you both work? If only my husband worked I would do a lot more housework and do it better. But when we both work, there's no reason I have to do extra stuff cause I'm the girl.
domestic goddess
11-19-12, 6:00pm
Oh, citrine, I don't think I ever went through that! I didn't have any expectation of being perfect, which is exhausting and paralyzing.
You and your dh need to have a talk about sharing the chores. Think of it as time you get to spend together, working toward a common goal. It is good practice for most everything in life, and it can be fun!
Being a frugalista and a budgetista, and a cook (gourmet is strictly optional!), will all become easier with time and experience. Don't push yourself too hard now, or you will soon be burned out, and that will be no fun for anyone. Pick one area to concentrate on most at a time; I would put off the gourmet cooking until you have budgeting and frugality under your belt. It really does get easier, and it will be a great marriage builder if your encourage your dh's help.
My response to this is to ask... Do you work outside the home? Full time or Part time? If you work full time you may want to consider talking to your husband about dividing up some of the tasks so that you are overwhelmed by them. If part time, then I understand your desire to unburden your husband of these tasks so that your time together is more relaxing.
I personallly, even after 20 + years of marriage, see it as my job to ensure that the home is taken care of, meals prepared, budget, bills and errands taken care of etc... I work about 30-35 hours a week outside the home, depending on the week. If this is truely what you want to do I have a few suggestions.
1. The budget belongs to both of you. It's a family thing and you need to discuss what that looks like together.
2. Pace yourself. Pick a few things that get done every single day and then assign other household tasks to a day of the week. Be sure to give yourself at least one day off from all work so that you can relax as well. Personally Beds being made, dishes done and put away and kitchen cleaned up is my only daily. Vaccumming, dusting, scrubbing the bathroom, washing floors, errands, stripping the bed, balancing the check book, laundry etc.. Those all get assigned a day of the week. Wedsay and Saturday are laundry days at my house. I take Sunday off.
3. Double batch meals when you can. Things like pot pie can be made two at a time and freeze one, stews and soups double easily. Just freeze one for a meal later in the week or the following week for a stress free evening when you know you'll be too tired to cook. It's Christmas season now and I work retail. So I'll be working a lot of hours. I'm looking at doing a lot of crock pot meals, and plent of double batching and freezing to make my life easier at the end of a long day.
4. Ask your dh to take on a task or two. My husband always does the dinner dishes and helps me put away the laundry.
5. Most importantly, no matter what you decide... be sure that your expectations of yourself are reasonable. Pace yourself and ask for help when you need it. Set goals for yourself that you can reach. It's very easy to set your sights high and become overwhelmed.
Hope this helps.
My rule was never start something you don't want to continue (someone above had a similar rule). I never felt I had to do something because I'm the girl. I do stuff because I'm better at it or have more of an interest in it. So I DO cook, but that's because hubby's idea of supper is opening a can of soup (he was a bachelor for a long time and ate out most of the time). Only once did I try to iron his shirt, and he complained it wasn't up to his standards. Got me off the hook for the rest of our marriage.
Don't try to do it all. Your hubby won't appreciate it if he never had to do it and will just take it for granted. And you will be resentful. Not a good combination.
Yes, we did live together for two years before marriage. We have a good system in place, he takes care of the outside of the house, fixing the inside, and helps with cleaning, dishes, and laundry. He also does all the cooking for our parties/thanksgiving/christmas. I work part time from home and can take care of a lot of household chores and cooking. I am hoping this phase goes away soon ;)
fidgiegirl
11-19-12, 10:14pm
I have been thinking about your post for all of today. I kind of have this, too, but actively work against it. For example, today I was off work and there is quite a bit of housework to do. I prioritized and did some of it, and then sewed. It was hard, but here's what happens - I never sew, because I feel like I'm not "allowed" to do anything fun until the house is looking good - which it never is, so I never do anything fun.
My DH does housework, but in his mind, he does more than me. :( Not so. We do about the same. It's shaken out that we each seem to have preferred tasks and are quite on top of those tasks. I do laundry most of the time, and he vacuums and does the bathroom. We both try to take care of the kitchen, though frankly, I feel like if I really want it clean, I have to do it. We both try to keep up with the never-ending dishes, but half the time he won't put them away, just sets them out on the counter. Drives me batty . . . I digress . . .
His mother's home is PERFECT. I mean, you could literally eat off the floor. And despite having a full-time job all the time he was growing up, that's how it was then, too. My family's home was just about as opposite as you can get from that. It bugs the hell out of me when he brings that up - because that's saying that if he's unsatisfied with the condition of our house, it's my fault because I had the "messy upbringing," or whatever he's trying to mean by it.
I have to tell myself often that this house will never be as clean as his mother's. It is NOT worth it to me to spend my time that way. But that doesn't mean I want it to be a pigsty, either. So it's a push-pull in our house, and I expect it will continue to be.
And yes, we both work full-time outside the home. However, my job is somewhat less demanding than his now, though I work more days, and I sometimes feel his expectations have shifted in response to this (that I should now do more).
And isn't it interesting . . . I had to guard, even in this thread ABOUT division of labor in the marital home, to not say "he helps." He doesn't "help," because that would imply that it is my job by default. Yet I actually typed that, and then had to go back and delete it. Argh.
fidgiegirl
11-19-12, 10:16pm
Funny, we were posting at the same time :)
I think you have to actively work for the phase to go away - actively catch yourself in this way of thinking. Good luck to you!!!!
Rosemary
11-19-12, 10:50pm
re: trying to get a more equitable split in home tasks - one thing that worked for us when we were both employed full-time was working on the cleaning and other chores at the same time, for instance, Saturday morning. We would both tackle the list and work on items we chose . Although I now do all the finances, cooking, laundry, and cleaning as I'm home with DD, we still do this sometimes on the weekends when there are many things needing to be done. DD helps, too. It's a good family activity. This weekend, for instance, I cleaned inside and made dinner while DH put the summer stuff into the shed and installed an ice dam prevention cable on the roof. DD helped by handing him tools and then they put up holiday lights together.
Actually, citrine, re-reading the thread, the split that you currently have on chores sounds similar to ours, except that I also have all of DD's activities and homework to manage.
I do not try to do my part perfectly. I have adopted my friend's mantra: "Done is better than perfect." I do like to be busy and moving around doing things, though, so I can get a lot done in a day. So I make sure we always have meals planned, groceries available, and meals ready at the appropriate times, but I don't have aspirations to be a gourmet cook. I aim for tasty and healthy. I clean and keep clutter at bay, but the house is not spotless or dustless. I wash, dry, and put away the laundry, but I don't iron except for very rare special occasions.
I had the same situation, btw, when I became a mom. I wanted to be whatever idea I held about what a perfect mom was and what she did and how she worked and how awesome she was etc.
What i rather quickly discovered once I had the baby that I really enjoyed some things (babywearing, breastfeeding, natural infant hygiene), and really hated other things (cooking all of the meals, trying to make home made toys and crafts, doing "games" with DS). I also sucked at being "SAHM." My work is so important to who I am. who the eff was I kidding? LOL
I had all these grand designs about home gardening, possibly running an in-home child care for 2 other chidlren to boot (that I would also conurse . . .i did do that second bit, conursing), cook everything from scratch and they would be all gourmet and fancy and cute like those lunch box bento things that you see on blogs. . .anyway. . .
I now laugh at my own funniness. I know I suck at so many of those things and don't enjoy them, so who, truly was I kidding? Oh yeah, myself. :)
What I discovered is that I am a really good mom -- just not like other moms or other images of moms. And I think those other moms are really cool and sometimes I look at their lives and I'm like "so idyllic." I'm fairly certain they don't look back at mine and say the same. LOL Still, our lives are good.
I foudn that my best games with DS are active ones -- we run and do our parkour and play at the playground and play chase and go rollerskating and go swimming. That's how i "play" best. I'm good at my work, and DS sees me (and DH) so happy and fulfilled in that stuff. It's so nice, so healthy for us. DH does most of the cooking, but I do help out. And DS and I do watch a lot of fun cartoons together (Shaun the sheep is a current favorite), as well as build some things (i suck at lego, though, he tells me). I also do well with libraries and museums with DS. Crafting and arts are well out, so I "outsource" between kindy and creative neighbors and friends. :) Gardening is crap-tastic, but the community garden helps us get all the benefits without my mistakes and stupidity and lack of time to muck it all up. LOL And god help me if I try to keep chickens, poor darlings.
Still, I am my own person and I can be a good and happy mom that does good things for my kid.
I'm also a decent wife, too. I don't do any martha-stewart things. DH does all of the cooking and laundry; I fold laundry, tidy after the kid, and scrub the bathroom and kitchen once a week. I also weed our garden. I guess I do several wifey things. But, end of the day, I'm the breadwinner, so he's the wife-y. ;)
iris lily
11-19-12, 11:36pm
Our first year of marriage was hard, too. I didn't have any vision of perfection on the home front, but I had a new, huge, and exhausting job. I had always been able to chill and regroup completely alone when easing into new jobs, so having DH around was a bit of a strain. But we adjusted.
SteveinMN
11-20-12, 8:32am
In my current marriage, we have been pretty even-handed about dividing up the household chores. A main divisor was who doesn't like to do a particular task. For instance, DW isn't much for power equipment or some of the -- err, critters -- one can encounter while working outside, so I do the "outside stuff". She likes to do laundry and I don't, so she does the laundry. Another divisor was whoever was bothered more by something undone. I'm much more particular about some aspects of home maintenance, so I do those tasks rather than try ask DW to do the job according to my expectations.
Now that I've left work, I've assumed almost all of the household chores. In lieu of working, that -- and economizing -- is a value I can bring to the partnership. DW still does the laundry because she likes it, but I've taken the responsibility for the daily stuff and some of the chores she did during the week. I do all the budgeting/bill paying and run all of the errands unless there's a physical reason I cannot do it.
It's working well for us. It helps that I have the time to do these tasks; it was a different story when we were both working full-time plus.
Yes, we did live together for two years before marriage. We have a good system in place, he takes care of the outside of the house, fixing the inside, and helps with cleaning, dishes, and laundry. He also does all the cooking for our parties/thanksgiving/Christmas. I work part time from home and can take care of a lot of household chores and cooking. I am hoping this phase goes away soon ;)
I think I understand what you mean. The chores do get done, and equitability, but you FEEL like you should be, I don't know, smoother at it? That it should come naturally instead of a rough transition from one thing to another? That you are just playing at it and not really 'owning' the routines?
My advise would be to relax. Do you want to be a stellar cook? It can happen, but slowly. Many here suggested to pick one thing and then 'own' it. I agree. Like with Thanksgiving coming up. Make it easy. Pick just one dish that you are unfamiliar with or want to try, and make the rest of the meal easy, familiar stuff. There are a million tricks to dazzle at a big holiday meal like that, that are so easy that anyone, even stellar cooks, use. ((that's why they are considered stellar cooks))
Another way to ease into the couple mode is to pick/suggest a little home project together. Paint a wall, or a bookcase. Hang a small gallery of family pictures (you can get inexpensive frames at the thrift store), Re-wire a thrift store lamp, anything. Just some small something that you do together to improve your home/apt together. But do it together. Instead of 'he owns the lawn' and 'I own the house' it will be 'we own the lamp'. Know what I mean?
Well, maybe I'm not making any sense.>8)
fidgiegirl
11-20-12, 9:33am
Peggy, I think I get what you are saying. In fact, on a much more huge scale and what you're talking about, the "we" part of our home is ultimately a big part of why we ended up moving! But we wouldn't have had to if we'd been more aware of and mindful of this aspect of both feeling like the space was ours TOGETHER. It's hard for us, maybe moreso for me, because I want the laundry room just so, for example, but then he doesn't feel like he is allowed to do laundry. Not good!
It took me about 35 years to get over "doing it all". Finally I said "enough is enough". DH was fine with it; he said "just tell me what you want done". This is soooooo much better!
Thanks everyone for your insights!
Zoebird--LOL....I have grandiose visions of having my raised garden, growing herbs in the kitchen, sending hubby off to work with gourmet lunches and have amazing meals ready for him when he gets home! Who am I kidding...I burn cookies for god's sake and I cannot even boil an egg correctly!
Fidgiegirl--I can identify, we have a few weeks in the year when nothing has to be done outside and hubby drags his feet in helping with the chores! I have to keep the upstairs perfect while I am working since the studio is there. However, the days when I don't work...I try not to do any chores!
Peggy--We spent 7 weeks renovating the house last year before moving in! I am done with painting and such! Now we are at the point where I am waiting for built in shelves and a kitchen island, but football is getting in the way!
Rosemary
11-20-12, 12:13pm
I have grandiose visions of having my raised garden, growing herbs in the kitchen, sending hubby off to work with gourmet lunches and have amazing meals ready for him when he gets home! Who am I kidding...I burn cookies for god's sake and I cannot even boil an egg correctly!
One thing at a time... once you learn something, it's easy to do it over and over again. Start with the things that impact daily life the most. Learn to cook things you both enjoy and that meet your other goals (e.g. budget, health). Once you learn to boil eggs, you'll never forget. Check the temp on your oven, maybe it runs hot and this could impact many, many things you cook.
When we first got married I could cook but not under time pressure. It's easy to follow recipes, but it takes a lot more time. It takes a lot of learning, but less time once that learning is done, to just be able to take some ingredients and make dinner, which is mostly how I cook now. So in those early years, we are out a lot for dinner, because the time and money trade-off was worth it for us when we were both exhausted after work. By the time DD came along, I was easily able to begin cooking all our meals.
I find that I can maintain the daily things I need to do (child, hubby, and pet care; laundry; cooking; basic cleaning) and ONE other project. In the summer, that is the garden. I can usually increase my gardening by one activity each summer. This year, I focused on landscaping and installed 10 yards of mulch. Because of massive fruit yields I also learned to make jam and canned 4 batches - but this occurred a month before my landscaping efforts. Next year I will be rejuvenating some of the perennial edibles. In the winter I choose an indoor project to focus on and complete. One year it was organizing my grandmother's 90 years of photographs. I dedicated about 2 hours each weekday to it. Last winter it was learning piano. This winter it will be making a family cook/photo book.
I had the same feeling after we got married. We lived together before we got married but there was still a weird subtle shift in perspective after the wedding.
On a more humorous note -- I remember my grandmother calling me up in the early days of our marriage and asking me, "What are you feeding him? Remember, men like a steak!" Our budget at the time was more accommodating of steak-flavored ramen noodles.
While it's true that it's possible to learn new skills and to do things one step at a time, the reality is that sometimes that is just not our personalities.
I will sit here and create marketng strategies and ways to build my business until the cows come home, but that leaves precious little time for learning how to make dolls.
And, when striving to learn how to make dolls step by step, I was bored and frustrated and thinking "when can I get back to something that I enjoy?"
The reality is that not everyone "is" a martha stewart type or a soulemama type or what have you. those women are amazing and they create amazing things for themselves and their families -- but it's not my interest or my skill set.
Before I had my son, I got "sucked in" to an idea of what I should be as a real, wholesome, awesome "crunchy" and "natural" mother is. And, a lot of those things were awesome. But a lot of the other things were hobbies and interests that *other women* have that I do not have.
I *love* my work. I love to think about it and to do it and to think about doing it. I also love being a mom. My son doesn't watch his mom garden, but he does watch me interact with clients and help make their lives better. He doesn't watch me bake (gluten free) cakes, but he does watch me execute on business plans, pay the bills, and count our revenue and profit and make budgets and projections for financial planning. He does watch me build my own chicken coup for our own chickens, but he does watch me do parkour and play roller derby and practice yoga and swim.
I'm not a martha stewart/soule-mama mom. I'm just me.
And that's a good mom, too. I'm just different. And that's ok.
So, citrine needs to discover what kind of wife she is. She probably won't be what she sees in her mind as what a wife is (from where-ever that idea comes from), and this doesn't mean that she can't learn to cook or what have you, btu she may not actualyl WANT to. She might just want to learn about 5 basic recipes and repeat (like my husband, who does our cooking). And it's enough. Because there are other things that she does well. And so she'll be a different kind of wife. Maybe not a martha-stewart styled wife, but the right kind of wife for her and her husband.
Zoebird....I am totally with you! I LOVE my work....I love finding knots and trigger points, showing my clients how to stretch, watching them walk out of the room looking as if they lost a million pounds of stress. I love going for my CEU's, love reading and researching, love refinishing furtinure, installing hardwood floors, painting, curb shopping.
However, none of these things put dinner on the table ;)
I think it's important to find the middle spot of "good enough". And being kind to yourself on the days you're not quite up to giving 100% - I think the days we push for 100% when we're not up to the task is what can really wear you down. I think it's neat when a couple can "tag team", using extra energy to cover the other who may not be so energetic that day - but both knowing that there are going to be some days when not everything gets cleaned up and it's soup and sandwiches for dinner.
Fun thread!
My best advice to you, Citrine, find a happy-medium and run with it. I think you'll settle in just fine. :)
If you have been living together all this time before, how did dinner get on the table?
I am a better cook than DH and i'm more adventurous than he is, but I'm too busy to cook these days. That being said, he is doing ok -- thinking a bit outside of his comfort zone and learning a few things. He's very repetitious. He has about 5-6 recipes in his pocket and it's rinse, repeat. I'm happy to just have food these days, so. . . it's good.
I don't think you have to knock yourself out, really. YOu probably already have several simple recipes that both of you like, so just go to those. And, consider him cooking every once in a while to mix it up.
We ate out a LOT! I am trying to cook more at home so we can save money and eat healthier....we gained a lot of weight as well, but I have lost 45 lbs since last year and he has lot 30 lbs.
I also struggled with figuring out what kind of wife/mother I wanted to be. And it had to change as our lifestyle/family size/location changed. When we first got married, we were in grad school and I got totally into the Tightwad gazette approach to things which was fun, but unsustainable when we started working and moved to NYC. Then when the kids came, things changed again. ANd then we moved to China, which has both good and bad aspects, but mostly good. We have regular help, which is awesome. So I do most of my cooking on the weekends. And the house is pretty much clean all the time, so we just need to do the occasional bigger declutter or reorganization. DH does a fair amount around the house, which is also a big help.
Mark Bittman's "How to Cook Everything" is great for building basic cooking skills. I'm using it as the basis for two of my post-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving feast dishes today (roast chicken and roasted brussel sprouts). One of the great things about it is he gives a lot of basic recipes, and then suggests ways to mix up the spices and flavorings to make an interesting variation. Once you master the basic recipe, you then have 10-20 different options to keep it interesting. I think it also encourages you to learn to think outside the box and experiment with your cooking -- I feel much more bold about substituting different spices and such after working with his cookbook.
If you don't mind the egg yolks getting a little grey around the edge (my kids actually DEMAND this), here is my method for boiling eggs:
1. Put eggs in put and fill with cold water to cover about 1/2 an inch above the eggs. Put lid on pot
2. Put on stove, turn on heat and bring to a light boil. Turn off heat and leave pot covered on the stove for 1 hour
3. Rinse eggs with cold water to cool (I usually just cool to the point where I can stand to touch them). Put in a container in the fridge.
I find when I make them this way they turn out great and the shell doesn't stick to the egg.
Good luck figuring it out! I'm sure you'll find a system and approach that works for you in time.
lhamo
DH does the same technique but only 12 minutes on the stove with heat off and covered. Then they are perfect, and sometimes go grey on that edge.
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