View Full Version : Need to stand up for myself and not worry about what friends think?
Hi, me again. Sorry if my question/issue seems a bit long.
So I have a couple of friends in my hometown, I get along with their boyfriends and their other friends too. We were discussing on what to do for NYE and since we had dinner every year at someone's place, we decided to do it again. So I emailed the bunch on facebook about it, but a week later, no reply (even though I know they saw the message). So then I was like: oh, not really such a good idea then? And I got one or two people to reply. The conversation wasn't really going smooth and no enthousiasm. So I suggested to do it at my place, even though my parents will be home and I don't have enough room at the table for 12 people. I got a couple of responses, about food and stuff, not really anybody saying they'll come over or not. Still no enthousiasm, nor clarity about the party. If everybody would come, I'd have to ask my parents to leave, because of lack of space, which I think is too rude, especially on NYE. I'd have to cook for 12 people, clean up after 12 people when my exams are coming 2 weeks later, after NYE. So I didn't really feel like doing it anymore, especially since nobody actually was clear about the intention of coming and nobody was enthousiastic or just didn't reply at all.
So this weekend I emailed again, saying I don't really wanna do it anymore since I'd have to ask my parents to leave and lack of space. Still no reply, from nobody. Then a good friend of mine (who I know has my back) replied that another reason I didn't wanna do it anymore is because nobody replied or made any effort in the conversation. So then another friend from the group replied that she thought I cancelled was because the lack of space. So I said, yeah, lack of space and if nobody is answering here or letting me know they'll be here or not... So I made it clear it's kinda the two reasons together.
Now I know they will be talking behind my back about it, one of them does that anyway (but she doesn't know I know). But now I feel like I'm in the wrong here for not doing it at my place. Let me tell you that I have some serious exams coming up, I'd have to cook and clean all day for 2 days to get things ready and clean again, and I 'd have to send my parents out of the house on NYE to cook for 12 people who don't even show a bit of enthousiasm and don't even make the effort of replying.
Now I feel I'm in the wrong and when we meet up to discuss NYE, I know I'll be shy about it and won't be able to defend myself, even though my friend has my back and she would do the same. Any advice on this? Would greatly appreciate it!
iris lily
11-20-12, 10:27am
Well, it's hard when your invitation doesn't seem popular, isn't it? I'm sorry for their behavior.
Your Facebook posts sound a little to me as though you are attempting to participate in a group decision whether or not to come to your house for NYE. That sort of thing is difficult, made more so by the discussion not being in real time/in person. It will always lead to murkiness in outcome, I think. The only way to invite people to your house is to out and out invite them, naming date and time.
I'm guessing that your friends may not have recognized your "discussion" of your NYE plans as a real invitation. Also, they may have been unsure if they wish to attend, and might have been waiting for others in the group to confirm that this is what the group is going to do. And the sad reality is that many may be waiting for another opportunity to present itself, a better party! Again, using Facebook as the consensus builder may not have been the best way to go.
So next time you are with them smile (keep smiling) and say that you withdrew your invitation due to apparent lack of enthusiasm. It seem to you that the wish of the group didn't wish to come to your house on NYE. If you get murmurs of protest, as you probably will, smile (again!) and say you are sorry it couldn't work out, just treat it as a simple fact, not a big deal. And don't volunteer your house again for this same event since it sounds as though you don't want to do it now. You could always say that it's not now possible to have a party at your house.
We do a fair amount of entertaining in this neighborhood. Certainly we have traditional invitations "come to my house for dinner" but we also have a group, kind of like yours, that meets periodically at different houses and for different theme dinners. I'm trying to think back to how those decisions are made. There are two leaders in our group who push the decisions one way or the other. They will find a venue (usually the host offers early on--sometimes one of the leaders points out "it your turn!") and a few dates are discussed, we kick around the dinner theme when the group meets (not all of them are there at any one time) and the leaders pretty much decide. Then, one of the group leaders takes on the job of emailing everyone with specifics: time place, dish to bring.
As I look a this I think: it's best to have a leader. There are 6 core people in our group and another 6 on the fringe. There are usually 10 people at our theme dinners.
Diamond_
11-20-12, 10:31am
Well, it's hard when your invitation doesn't seem popular, isn't it? I'm sorry for their behavior.
Your Facebook posts sound a little to me as though you are attempting to participate in a group decision whether or not to come to your house for NYE. That sort of thing is difficult, made more so by the discussion not being in real time/in person. It will always lead to murkiness in outcome, I think. The only way to invite people to your house is to out and out invite them, naming date and time.
I'm guessing that your friends may not have recognized your "discussion" of your NYE plans as a real invitation. Also, they may have been unsure if they wish to attend, and might have been waiting for others in the group to confirm that this is what the group is going to do. And the sad reality is that many may be waiting for another opportunity to present itself, a better party! Again, using Facebook as the consensus builder may not have been the best way to go.
So next time you are with them smile (keep smiling) and say that you withdrew your invitation due to apparent lack of enthusiasm. It seem to you that the wish of the group was NOT to come to your house on NYE. If you get murmurs of protest, as you probably will, smile (again!) and say you are sorry it couldn't work out. And don't volunteer your house again for this same event since it sounds as though you don't want to do it now. You could always say that it's not now possible to have a party at your house.
We do a fair amount of entertaining in this neighborhood. Certainly we have traditional invitations "come to my house for dinner" but we also have a group, kind of like yous, that meets periodically at different houses and for different theme dinners. I'm trying to think back to how those decisions are made. And really, there are two leaders in our group who push the decisions one way or the other. They will find a venue (usually the host offers early on--sometimes one of the leaders points out "it your turn!") and a few dates are discussed, we kick around the dinner theme when the group meets (not all of them are there at any one time) and the leaders pretty much decide. Then, on the group leaders takes on the job of emailing everyone with specifics: time place, dish to bring.
As I look a this I think: it's best to have a ldear. There are 6 core people in our groups and another 6 on the fringe.
They know the date, the 31th of December. I thought it was what the group wanted since we do it every year at someone else's house. If we go and discuss it, I'll just say that I didn't really feel like cooking and cleaning for 12 people and "kicking" my parents out when nobody even is enthousiastic. There weren't any ideas because now we're looking for alternatives. I just don't feel respected now to be honest.
Geez, do you live in the Pac NW? This is typical behaviour here, it seems. Never can get an RSVP or commitment. I think it's because people like to leave their options open in case something better comes along. Sorry if that stings, but I've BTDT. People just aren't old school proper with etiquette anymore.
Geez, do you live in the Pac NW? This is typical behaviour here, it seems. Never can get an RSVP or commitment. I think it's because people like to leave their options open in case something better comes along. Sorry if that stings, but I've BTDT. People just aren't old school proper with etiquette anymore.
Around here, it's aa phenomenon called "the Seattle Chill." I don't know what it's called in the rest of the PNW. I think it's more a result of a large subculture of introverts who would rather read a book or take a nap than socialize with people they don't know well. Some attribute it to Northern European culture. Now that I'm Scandinavian, I'm going to embrace that explanation. http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/rpg/dwarf.gif http://www.kolobok.us/smiles/artists/just_cuz/JC-hysterical.gif
SteveinMN
11-20-12, 2:27pm
Now that I'm Scandinavian, I'm going to embrace that explanation.
Hmm ... same kind of thing happens here, and Minnesota has a large population of people with Scandinavian ancestry... :idea:
Diamond_, I don't think you should feel badly at all about saying to your friends, "You know, it's been fun to get together every year. I'd like to throw the party, but it would have been a lot of work for me and I have some really important tests coming up at university, and no one seemed very enthusiastic about getting together. So why don't we think of something else to do on NYE -- unless someone would want to volunteer their house?" And see where it goes.
There is nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself and your interests. Very few other people in the world will volunteer to do that for you and even they can't always be depended upon to do that. You are on the right track. Studying and doing well on uni tests is important -- it's why you're there. Don't push if people don't seem interested. And -- maybe -- think about a Plan B for New Year's Eve entertainment if the hometown bunch doesn't decide to do anything.
Sometimes, things work out exactly the way they're supposed to.
It would've been a nightmare if everyone had taken you up on your offer to feed everyone, right?
So maybe be glad that the universe or whatever intervened on your behalf....and let it go.
Stand behind your decision, and honestly who the heck cares what they think about you?
Sometimes, things work out exactly the way they're supposed to.
It would've been a nightmare if everyone had taken you up on your offer to feed everyone, right?
So maybe be glad that the universe or whatever intervened on your behalf....and let it go.
Stand behind your decision, and honestly who the heck cares what they think about you?
Yeah, I'd rather go out to a party with some of my real friends who actually replied for that evening than cooking and cleaning for a group of people who can't really be bothered.
Some of us are meeting up this weekend to check on some alternatives and if we can't find any, we'll celebrate new year split up.
Hi there Diamond,
It doesn't sound to me like you did anything wrong. People are often hesitant to commit to plans for NYE until very close to the date, as they're not sure what their options will be or whether they'll even be staying in town... it may have been a little early to be circulating NYE invitations... that said, there's no reason to feel uncomfortable about calling the plan off... you made a suggestion and people didn't respond - that's not necessarrily a big deal in my view... a few nights ago I was out having dinner with some friends and when the check came I asked if anyone wanted to catch a movie - the response was just silence, which I knew meant the guys just wanted to call it a night... so I shouted 'fine, f**k you all!' (in jest of course) and everyone fell around laughing... the point is that I knew they just didn't feel like it and I know they enjoy my company and respect me, so there wasn't any feeling of rejection there... if you're concerned that your friends are talking behind you back, however, there are trust and security issues at work, and that might be worth taking a look at... our friends are the just too important, and any person will only fit a certain number of close friendships into their limited time in this world, so it's important to only invest time and emotion on the people who enrich your life...
I hope you're doing well... and good luck in the exams!
All the best,
Lucas
I have gone through the same things Diamond and I would always take it so very personally! The first year hubby and I did thanksgiving, we invited a whole bunch of people and only 3 showed up....even my mom went to my uncle's house two hours away!
But we still made the food and had fun doing it. It is now three years later and we have 16 people coming which is awesome :) If you want to celebrate at your house, have it with your parents and like lucas said to his friends...f**k them all!
Around here, it's aa phenomenon called "the Seattle Chill." I don't know what it's called in the rest of the PNW. I think it's more a result of a large subculture of introverts who would rather read a book or take a nap than socialize with people they don't know well.
It's the same phenomenon here, we just don't have a hip name for it. >8)
Hmm ... same kind of thing happens here, and Minnesota has a large population of people with Scandinavian ancestry...
I was thinking the same thing Steve.
I'll admit to being bad about communications in this sort of thing. Sometimes I read a facebook message or e-mail and then get distracted and have to do something else, only to forget that I didn't actually reply to the e-mail, I just thought about it.
leslieann
11-21-12, 1:52pm
I gave up the ambiguous sorta kinda invitations. I figured out what I wanted and decided to do it, and then invited people to join me. I'm going to see James Bond at the 7 pm show on Saturday, do you want to come? Like that.
The kind of "invitation" that has "we oughta" or "do you wanna?" ends up all fuzzy and unclear and I don't DO anything. Clarity is all.
And it is okay to change your mind. But those thoughts about what other people are thinking (they don't respect me etc...)? THEY, the thoughts, will make you crazy. People can think whatever they like. That's their right. I don't get to dictate what they think about me or about anything. I also don't have to care.
Happy new year. Figure out what YOU want to do and ask someone to do it with you.
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